I've got it all figured out.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Please welcome Musclemag’s next Beef-Pump Flex-Off contestant… Hot Buttered Johnny.

Muscly guys are sad, retarded, hilarious.

Now I’m not against exercise. I love walking my dog and riding my bike and even hitting the weights can be fun sometimes.

But seriously guys. You really think this looks good?

I don’t think there are many women out there thinking Mmm, I wish my guy’s thighs looked like the back of the Elephant man’s head. And you don’t want to meet the women who do.

Did I leave the faucet running and forget to take the garbage out? Oh hey Snooki!

And having big muscles isn’t going to help you out in the long run. Let my man Carl break it down for you.

But there’s no point in trying to stop you. Guys that are into being muscly are REALLY into being muscly. Take Musclemag for example.

Can you believe that this exists and that it’s not a joke? Grown men have actually picked up that magazine, read the headline Grow your guns and said, Yes, this is for me. They also seem to enjoy pictures of guys making faces like this.



Can you imagine being the photographer for this?

Alaine Begre: Ah oui, bon smile at the back, veeeery sexy. Now you in the front, make a face like you have diarrhea in reverse.

Try Staring at that picture for 30 seconds without laughing. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

But forget the magazines. They also have online forums. Yes, message boards where all the profile pictures are bathroom mirror self shots. I think they serve the dual purpose of letting other members on the forum know how ripped they are and making sure that members are actually ripped and not some pencil neck who is just faking being ripped so they can be a forum member. And who wouldn’t want to be a member? When you’re done blasting whatever muscle group you’ve chosen to blast today you can sit back, cool down and tell a bunch of other meat heads about it. Or you can get a consoling I feel for you Brah after confessing your tragic tale of having to piss and shit with a boner during your first date with an asian girl.

But best of all are the body building competitions. Anyone can grow muscles and flex them while silently screaming but it takes a true artist to take it to the next level.

A striking representation of mankind’s struggle with the ever expanding presence of technology in the modern world. (Or he just really likes Terminator 3.)

How they haven’t turned this into TLC show or at least a bad action movie I just don’t know. I’d like to choreograph one of these flex offs. I have a great idea for it too. I’d have to train my muscly guy to flex all of his muscles independently and at different times. Kind of like how a drummer can keep different independent rhythms with both hands and feet. Can you imagine how freaky that would look? I’d send him out in a Speedo to the tune of Popcorn.

Yeah, I’m full of good ideas, right Carl?

Twist those dirty bags!

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