I've got it all figured out.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

.I want myyyyy wiener back, wiener back, wiener back, wiener back, wiener back… baby.

Have you seen this baby that was born with an extra wiener on his back?
It’s true.

I wonder how the father felt when he heard the news. Proud? Confused? I’m going to go with the later on this one seeing as the baby was immediately rushed to Tianjin Children’s Hospital to have his extra member removed. They should put it in a jar and label it Pete Best.

Ba-dum-dum. Ting!

Thanks Pete, you’re a sport. Apparently this extra wiener thing, although rare, does happen from time to time. There’s even a name for it: Fetus in fetu. Sounds like the name of a death metal album.

Hey, it is!

Oh and the love of God, don’t Google Image search it. Speaking of God, what was he thinking putting a wiener back there? What good is that? At least put it in front where he can keep an eye on it and not have to wear custom made Fruit of the Looms that look like a harness. Yea it’s probably for the best that they had it removed. Apparently the surgeons took 3 hours to take it off. 3 hours?! It doesn’t look like much to me. You’d think they could just freeze it and knock the thing off with a ball peen hammer. At least he’ll have a cool scar to impress all the ladies with. Still, I wonder what the future would bring if he had kept it? If he was born 100 years ago he’d have a promising carrier in the freak show circuit.

Step right up ladies and gentleman and bear witness to the human wonder that is the man with two members. He doesn’t know wither he is coming or going. Sometimes it’s both! Good sirs prepare to marvel with a mix of fear and jealousy. Good ladies, please insure that your fainting cushions are thoroughly fluffed. Only 5 cents. Only 5 cents. 5 will get you 2. Just half a nickel per pickle…

Meh, he’s not so great. I could have 4 wangs under all this for all you know.

But even though some may want to pursue a carrier exploiting their physical appearance freak shows are considered cruel and have no place in modern society.

Unless they involve little people on TLC.

I guess there’s always pornography. Anything goes in that industry. But I don’t even want to think about how that would work and who would want to see that.

We would.
Oh god, no!

Maybe he could star in a feature length Hollywood Blockbuster. Kind of a Tarzan meets Jaws meets the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Here’s a brief plot summary.
  • Boy is born with wiener on back
  • Mean parents don’t want him and throw him into the sea
  • Sharks come but instead of eating him they treat him as one of their own and raise him
  • Boy grows into teenager and swims to Fort Lauderdale for spring break
  • Gratuitous shots of bikini girls partying on the beach
  • Shots of boner breaking the surface of the water and going back and forth to some of that duh dum music
  • Teenage girl/toddler/dog gets attacked in the water
  • Everyone says it must be a shark but gnarled old shark hunting guys says something like No shark did this. These bites are human.
  • No one believes him
  • Gratuitous shots of bikini girls partying on the beach
  • More shots of the boner in the water but this time it’s just some teenage guys playing a joke with a dildo (this adds extra suspense)
  • One of them gets eaten
  • Surgeon on a deep sea fishing vacation tells everyone that he thinks it’s a rare case of fetus-in-fetu-raised-by-sharks syndrome and that all the added testosterone from the extra wang has turned the shark boy into a man eater
  • Some stuff happens
  • Some jokes involving phrases like hump back and back stroke are tossed around
  • Surgeon and old gnarled shark hunter guy team up to hunt down the shark boy and remove his extra wang
  • Old gnarled shark hunter guy gets eaten
  • Surgeon manages to remove the extra wiener (I don’t know how, in a diving suit while he’s sleeping or something)
  • Shark boy returns to normal and is brought onto the boat and covered with a blanket
  • Surgeon tosses the extra wiener over board
  • Under water shot of the wiener swimming away on its own (sequel)
  •  Roll credits (my name in big letters as director)

 What do you think? I think I’ve got the makings of a spine tingling thriller.


Ba-dum-dum. Ting!

 Thanks again Pete.

Well, I’m about all out of crazy for today. If anyone needs me I’ll be in the tub.



Drewcifer said...

Two dicks.

Come again?

Pete Best said...

Ba-dum-dum Ting!