I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0031

Knut the polar bear died on Saturday. So sad.

5 December 2006 – 19 March 2011 R.I.P.

They say that his death was due to significant changes in his brain. Some said he was schizophrenic and that he craved all the fame and attention that he received earlier in life.

He was on the cover of German Vanity Fair after all.

But I don’t think that’s what killed him. Lack of fame and attention isn’t fatal. This picture is proof of that.

But it’s scary to think that bears can be schizophrenic. Schizo people are scary enough but bears?! Thinking about that makes me want to brush up on my bear attack survival skills.

One survival tip not mentioned in that helpful and informative video is if you’re being chased by a bear, try to run down hill. Bears back legs are shorter than their front legs so they can’t run as fast down hills. But the bear will still probably catch you. Most bears can run about 60 kilometers an hour and a schizo bear has the added power of being mental.

File Photo: Schitzo bear washing you down with Pepsi.

I wonder how fast bigfoots can run? I bet they’re pretty fast. I’m going to find out.

Question 31: How fast can bigfoots run?

Magic Internet Answer: The simple answer to this highly stupid question is that bigfoots cannot run at all as they do not exist. There is no credible documented evidence that states otherwise. But for the sake of your pitiful blog I will give you an answer based on the questionable evidence that some claim is real. The most common and well documented bigfoot evidence is photographs and castings of their footprints.

If these are to be believed we can estimate the average size of a bigfoot as being 8 feet tall and that they possess a measured stride of 3 to 4 feet. There is also possible evidence of a mid-tarsal break. This coupled with the strength of the animal would suggest that a bigfoot could run at a speed of 55 to 65 kilometers an hour. Which is about the same average speed as a bear.

They also both like fish!

Cool Magic Internet but there’s one theory you didn’t review when you came up with your answer. The theory that bigfoots are alien built robots like the one the Six Million Dollar Man faught.

Now who’s stupid?


Anonymous said...

Hey we're big knut fans. Sasha has a steif Knut bear and a book. Peace out knut. Gone too soon homie!

Drewcifer said...

A bear walks into a bar, roars, and proceeds to devour a woman sitting at the end.

The bear then belly's up to the bar and says, "Hey buddy! Gimme a beer!"

The bartender says, "Hell no, I'm not serving you. You're on drugs!"

The bear says, "I am not! What gives you that idea?"

The bartender says, "That's a bar bitch you ate."