I've got it all figured out.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011


Good evening ladies and germs. Ha, ha, ha. Was that line ever actually funny? Do you think the punk band the Germs ever opened one of their shows with that line?

Someone threw away a perfectly good white girl.

Now that was a funny line!

Oh well, cutting edge 1940s comedy lines and Better Off Dead clips aside, I do have something on my mind today. Dog treats. Have you seen what’s going on with dog treats these days?

Wild Alaskin Salmon?!

Grilled Wild Boar?! (Not fried, no, on. Grilled)

Dog Ice Cream?!

My dog sleeps on the floor, shits on the sidewalk and hasn’t had a bath in at least 2 weeks. It’s essentially like living with a homeless person. Yet I’m supposed feed it the menu equivalent of Jamie Oliver teaming up with Ted Nugent and Ben & Jerry to open up a restaurant in Williamsburg?! It’s madness I tell you. But it’s not like we all didn’t see this coming. Dog food makers have been exploiting dog owners’ own selfish cravings for years. I think it began with the revelation that most dog owners are only slightly smarter than their pets and if you can create a dog food that the owner would kind of like to eat then chances are they will buy it for their pet.

Take Kibbles ‘N Bits for example.

It may be the first dog food to have its own distinctive look. And you know what? It’s just Bits & Bites for dogs.

The name’s pretty much the same and it even looks the same.

Even down to those little orange bullet shaped things that were everyone’s favorite.

Then Alpo came out with its Prime Cuts line of canned dog food.

In Gravy!

Hell even I kind of want to eat that. And look at the can in the background there. It might as well be Chunky Soup.

Fully loaded?!

I wonder how many drunken bachelors have come home and accidently heated up a can of Alpo. Or better yet fed a can of Chunky to their dog the next morning?


But then things changed. Stupid people started eating worse and worse food. There was no way that the next generation of dumb-people-insta -food could be sold based on its visual appeal. Have you ever seen inside a Michalina’s?

What did you expect from something called Wheels & Cheese?

So how do you sell crap like this to the public? Well you could go the route of the TV Dinner people and push quantity.

Now in your shirt size!

Or you could use those flavor buzz wards we all know so well. Words like cheese and bacon.

The food industry collectively said, Let it be so. And the dog food people, happy that they no longer had to make a can of liquefied horse balls look like prime rib, jumped for joy.

Dogs shouldn’t be eating bacon. People shouldn’t be eating bacon. If we really loved our dogs we would demand treats based on what the dog really likes. Not what we like. Now that’s a good idea.

Presenting: Creepshow’s Gooddognohumpbegginsnauseobites (With distinct flavors that are just for dogs. No humans allowed!)

Flavors like:

Other Dog’s Ass

It may be no bed or roses to you but what dog doesn’t love the heady aroma of another dogs ass? Well now they can enjoy it in the form of a treat. Slip a couple of these in your purse and you’ll have a good boy all day long. (Comes in both male and female flavors for insane homophobes.)

Or try:

Toilet Bowl

How many times have you told your dog to get away from that toilet bowl? Well now you can reward him for doing so with exactly what he wants. Toilet bowl flavored treats.

And roll over for:

Tramp’s Pant Leg

Like Marco Polo returning from the Orient laden with exotic spices your average tramp’s trousers are laden with revolting delicacies the likes have which can only be required by a true gentleman of the road. We’ve done our best to capture these savory treats in a biscuit form that we think your dog will love. (just don’t ask us how, you don’t want to know.)

The Bag the Chinese Food Came In

Pretty self-explanatory treat here. Your dog can enjoy it any time and you don’t have to worry about him ingesting that pesky receipt staple.

Sundried Racoon Guts

Mmm, that leash pullingly good taste of something that once ate garbage and is now long dead. What more could a dog ask for?

You see. Your dog’s true culinary desires range from mildly nauseating to truly revolting. And I suppose no one is going to want market that. Well at least these new modern foody options for dogs claim to be more healthy. If that means our dogs will live longer and happier lives, then I guess I’m for it.

And bonus: No more white dog poop.

Also I kind of like the idea of watching dogs eat ice cream

Smell ya later good dogs.

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