I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0029

There was an albino boa constrictor on CP24 this morning. It looked just like that one that Salma Hayak dances with in From Dusk Til Dawn.

I was kind of hoping it would strangle the host Steve Anthony like that snake did to the stripper in Striptease after her original snake dies and they went out and got her another snake and didn’t tell her.

I couldn’t find a video of that but here’s a picture of the best part of Striptease.

Burt Reynolds covered in Vaseline.

What is it with strippers and snakes? Why do guys like to watch a woman dance with a snake? Is it because they think it’s exotic? Or do they imagine the snake is their wiener or something?

Ladies, if you want to attract a man don’t go for the low cut top. Go for this:

Bonus: Check out the photographer’s genius inclusion of the ladder. Get it?!

I haven’t seen that good use of props in a photo shoot since Bachelor Party.

Hey have you ever seen that guy that’s trying to become a snake?

I’d like to see him fight that guy that’s trying to become a cat.

Or I’d like to see them both fight the Giant Gonzales.

In his weird air-brushed muscles nude suit.

Oh wait, he’s dead. Ok, so they’ll have to fight each other. I wonder who would win? They’ve both got weird tattoos and sharp teeth. But cat man has cat plastic surgery and whiskers. But wait! Snake man has a forked tongue!

What’s with snake tongues anyway? Why do they have two end bits? All the other creatures have just one end bit. Some of them are really long.

But still… only one end bit.

Let’s ask the Magic Internet about that.

Question 29: Why do snakes (and some lizards I guess) have two end bits on their tongues?

Magic Internet Answer: What you are referring to Johnny is a forked tongue and what you call end bits are tines. Forked tongues are a form of evolution that has developed in squamate reptiles (snakes and some lizards). You see, a snake uses its tongue to sense chemicals in the atmosphere. It uses this sense in the same way that you humans use your eyes to see. And just as two eyes are better than one, for the snake two tongues (or two tines) are better than one. Having a split tongue allows a snake to sense chemicals in a larger surface area and it allows a snake to sense chemicals in different directions. The information is then processed by the vomeronasal or jacobson’s organ. A snake’s jacobson’s organ is so sensitive that it can differentiate minute quantities of chemical scent on each tine of the snake’s tongue and use that data to inform the snake which direction the scent is coming from. Be it the dangerous scent of a mongoose. Or the delicious scent of a mouse.

Or the dangerous AND delicious scent of Ice Cube.

As for the gentleman you mentioned earlier who is altering his appearance to resemble a snake; I can see no benefit to be gained by his forked tongue. In fact it may hinder his speaking ability.

Maybe Mike the Situation should get a forked tongue. 

He doesn't neeed to speak, he's got his abs and maybe with a forked tongue he would be able to sense sooner that the women he brings home are total skanks and then he wouldn’t have to call them grenades and throw them out because they don’t want to put on Ed Hardy pajamas and have sex with him.

Maybe Johnny. Maybe.

But thanks Magic Internet. Snakes are misunderstood creatures and the more we can learn about them, the more we can right the wrongs of numerous action movies.

van damme owned snake by aucun-honneur

Check Ya Later.

1 comment:

Drewcifer said...

Holy crap! Hard Ticket to Hawaii used to come on Showtime back in my pubescent days. I jacked my yogurt slinger to that movie for months.