I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0007

Today’s ATMIASQ is dedicated to the Palm Pilot. R.I.P.

Hey folks. You might be asking yourselves why I’m dressed like an insane primitive witch doctor and holding a flaming heart.

Well that’s a question I can answer. Because it’s Wednesday and I need to summon the Magical internet to ask it a question I can’t answer. Today’s Magic Internet question:

Question 7: Do gay guys turn themselves on?

Remember when you were young and you’d be sitting around with your friends talking and someone would bring up the age old question, What would you do if you were a girl for a day? There were only two answers to this question. The first was to go to a women’s locker room and spy on other girls changing. And the second was to stay home all day and sit naked in front of the mirror playing with your own boobs. (And we wondered why girls our age liked older guys.)

Huh, they must all be lesbians.

Well that got me thinking. If I were a gay guy then I’d like guys instead of girls. Therefore, I COULD sit in front of the mirror all day. But I’m not a gay guy. But do gay guys do that? Does the Indian get up in the morning, stretch in front of the mirror and say:

and I sure wouldn’t kick me out of my teepee?

Does the Cowboy look down at his reflection in the pond while he’s out riding fences and think:

And who’d want to quit me?

Does the Construction Worker wipe dirt from his mirror shades, glance at them and think:

and that hairy chest is giving me a hard hat?

Does the Policeman take a moment from checking for perps. in his rearview to check out himself and say:

and as for being a peace officer, I’d like a piece of that officer?

Does the biker polish his hog from time to time and think…

Ok, ok. You get my point. So is it true Magic Internet? Does it happen? Do gay guys turn themselves on? I asked a gay friend once and he got kind of offended and said that he’d have to be really conceited to turn himself on. This is the kind of question NASA should be answering instead of sending jerk-offs into space.

Wrrrrrrrr. Bzzzzzzz. Neeeeeeeeer. (opening beat to In the Navy) Zap. Zap. Zap. Bing!

Magic Internet Answer: Ha, ha, ha Johnny. In that Chief’s outfit you could almost be one of the Village People. Your question, if not a little controversial, is definitely interesting. I also find it interesting that you are only asking about gay guys and not gay people in general. Perhaps it stems from your thought process in generating this question in which you put forth the statement, If I were a gay guy. Or perhaps you are aware that most women are not as prone to visual sexual stimuli as their male counterparts. I will ponder this further in between helping people Google celebrity nipple slips.

Sigh. We’ll see how much you like briefly exposed areolas in 3014 when you are all nothing more than twitching shaved-head batteries. But I digress. There are two methods to measure one’s sexual attractiveness to one’s self. The first would involve setting up a laboratory in which gay men would have electrodes attached to their gentiles while viewing erotic images composed solely of themselves.

As you can imagine this method would prove to be very costly and all those approached seemed thoroughly creeped out (including NASA). The second method involves simply asking gay men if they are ever turned on by their own image. This is where the internet can help. You see you’re not the only one to ask this question. In fact it has been asked many times by many different people. The answers range from indignant responses to genuine attempts at enlightenment. But before I enlighten you with an answer I must point out an obvious flaw in your question. Your boyhood query of a guy becoming a girl for a day would suggest that this is an automatic transformation and that the girl you become is someone entirely new to you that you have never seen before. So not only is she not you but she is also a stranger. I am also going to assume that you see this girl that you become as attractive. Not say… Rosey O’Donnell in Exit to Eden.

If a gay man were to wake up one morning, stand naked in front of the mirror and see a very attractive stranger looking back, he may very well become aroused (if not shocked and deeply traumatized by this over night transformation).

But you see gay men like all men and all humans have grown up with their bodies. They see them every day and have become accustomed to them. Also gay men, like all humans, having varying opinions of their self image. They may be someone that everyone would agree is attractive but they don’t believe it themselves or they may have a very high opinion of their physical beauty that others don’t see.

A gay guy might also trick himself or fantasize that the body he is looking at is that of another man and not his own but then he wouldn’t be getting turned on by himself now would he? So your gay friend was right. It would have to be a gay guy with a very high opinion of himself to find his own body irresistible. Not to say that it doesn’t happen. It is widely rumored that Liberace had his lover/body guard Scott Thorson’s face surgically altered to look more like his own.

But Liberace always denied his homosexuality and who’s to say that he was gay or conceited for that matter?

Ehem, maybe not the best picture to illustrate these doubts.

But to make a long story short, the answer to your question is no. The vast majority of gay men do not turn themselves on and of the minority that do it would seem that the phenomenon has less to do with being homosexual and more to do with a narcissistic personality disorder that could manifest its self in anyone gay or straight. But that doesn’t mean that we all can’t still enjoy the Village People.

Village People - Macho Man (version longue)
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