I've got it all figured out.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Happy Fathers Day!

I was watching Check It Out last night with Dr. Steve Brule. Did you know he has his own show now?

You should definitely check it out (Get it?! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahha!)

It’s on Wednesdays at like 9 I think on G4. I don’t know what channel it is where you are. Move to real a place dingi. Anyway, last night’s episode was all about family. Steve had a picnic with a burping homeless guy who he thought was his father. That got me thinking. Who were the best TV dads? I know this is something you all think about too, probably when you’re on the can. Well think no more. For today The Creepshow presents to you the top 3 best TV dads. Dim the lights helper monkey.

The Top 3 TV Dads.


Heathcliff Huxtable.

The man was a doctor. And not just any doctor, a pediatrician. He probably delivered his own children! He had them all living in a great house in New York City where funky jazz music played every time they were out front of the house. He even had his doctor’s office in the basement so he would have more time with his family.

Cliff was firm but fair. To his children he was a father first and a friend second. He was always ready to teach them life lessons but in a fun way.

You don’t have to watch it all but really, you should.

Cliff was great. Watching him just eat a sandwich was funnier than anything else on television at the time. Last year they were auctioning off some off the actual sweaters that Bill wore on the show.

How great would it be to lounge around the house in one of these? Hell if I had this one I’d never, NEVER take it off.

I hear Nike makes a pair of Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable Dunks now.

Even though I hate Nike and these are really ugly, I still kind of want them. Here’s to the best TV dad ever.

I love you Dr. Huxtable.

# 2

Danny Tanner.

Since the mom died Danny had to raise 3 kids. (Technically 4 since Michelle was actually 2 babies.)

Kind of like Lassie

Not only did Danny raise 3 kids but he also maintained a successful career as a TV morning show host. That seems next to impossible. Look what Kathy Lee wound up doing with her kid.

Rejected first album title: How to Make Your Son a Weirdo.

Sure Danny was a huge dork.

And yes, Uncle Jessie picked up a lot of the parenting slack.

I could have showed you the clip of Uncle Jessie singing Michelle to sleep but that clip made me physically ill and this is waaaay better.

But he was still a great dad.The only problem I have with Danny Tanner is that he let that annoying creepy looser Joey live in his basement.

Would you let a guy that looked like this near your children?

I hated Joey and I still do.All he taught those kids was that you can grow up and be a total loser and live in your friend’s basement forever while beating audiences to death with your horrible, horrible comedy.

You caused this Joey.

And Danny, sorry but you let it happen. You should have CUT IT OUT (Get it?! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahha!) a long time ago. And with Joey out of the basement, Jessie could have moved down there. Then maybe he wouldn’t have had to hang his guitars in the window like an idiot.

File Photo: Have Mercy.

# 3

Philip Banks.

Here we have another great dad who juggled a successful carrier with raising 4 kids. And one of those kids was clearly gay.

Having a gay child can be difficult for a father.

And another one wasn’t even his own. Let’s face it. Will was a total jerk off. Uncle Phil took him in, clothed him, fed him, even paid for his schooling for fuck’s sake! And how did Will repay him? By trashing his house with a party.

By calling him fat all the time.

And by generally acting like a fucking ass.

But Uncle Phil took it all in his stride. He knew that Will was family and that he had to bring him up right. He gave Will the freedom to be his own person and learn his own lessons but he also knew when to step in and take charge. Like when Will got hustled playing pool down town.

A word of advice: Never make a pool hall bet with a guy that brings his own cue/butler.

Phil also knew to keep that creepy drug addict Jazz away from his family.

I would have put Uncle Phil down as number 2 on this list if it wasn’t for 2 things. First, Hilary was a spoiled vapid bitch and as her father Phil had to have a hand in creating that.

And secondly Phil either divorced or murdered the children’s original mother and then brainwashed or forced the children to call his new wife mom.

Real mom. Whereabouts unkown.

Fake mom. Possibly an accomplice in the disappearance/disposal of the old mom.

So sorry Phil. You can’t be a great dad if you murder your children’s mother. Even if you do find a worthy replacement for them. You’re still a good dad but Nike isn’t going to be naming any shoes after you anytime soon. You’ll just have to make do with these Fresh Prince of Bel-air shoes from Puma.

So there you have it. The top 3 TV Dads of all time. Tune in next week when I will be revealing the bottom 3 worst TV dads.

Check Ya Later!

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