I've got it all figured out.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Segway to Heaven.

Jimi Heselden, the owner of Segway scooters died yesterday after riding his Segway off of a cliff! Here’s footage of him hours before the crash.

Ok that wasn’t him but I’m guessing he never saw Quadrophenia. Because if he had, he’d know you’re supposed to jump off before it goes over the cliff. Right Jimmy?

My condolences to Jimi Heselden but what a way to go. Not only is it a lock for lamest/most ironic death of the year but it also leaves the Segway Company with a PR nightmare. Let’s just pray that they don’t try to cheapen his funeral with some sort of Segway honor guard.

But they say every cloud has a silver lining. Maybe the silver lining to this tragedy is that they will finally stop manufacturing and selling these stupid, STUPID machines.

This quote from the article says it all,

They use gyroscopes, computers and electric motors to cruise to 12 miles per hour.

12 miles per hour?! You know what else does that? A bicycle! And a bicycle doesn’t need gyroscopes, computers, electronic motors, or a cheque from some shithead for $2,000! That’s right. There are people paying out $2,000 to look like complete assholes. In fact there isn’t a single picture out there of someone riding a Segway where they don’t look like king of the wanks.




 (And if you think that’s gross, you should see him back it into the handicap stall and take a shit.)

They also come in handy for bad, half assed parenting.

Segways even make some of the lamest jobs even lamer.

Thank you for your order sir. Delivery comes with a free glimpse of saddest fucking thing you’ve ever seen.

Mall cops already get 0 respect from teenagers and skater kids. This will only cause them to actively seek HIM out for abuse. Target indeed.

Speaking of skaters, there’s even a handful of dorks into extreme Segway.

I haven’t seen anything that lame since those 80s scooters with the breaks disappeared.

They should get the extreme Segway guys to remake the movie RAD.

And call it SAD

There are only three instances in which the riding of a Segway should be tolerated.

1) Any time a chimp rides one.

Because a chimp Riding anything is awsome.

2) When George Bluth rides one on Arrested Development.

Because he’s so lame he’s awesome.

3) And when Weird Al rides one while singing White & Nerdy live. Because it’s so lame, it’s awesome.

Play me out Al.

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