I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0006

It’s that time again kids. Dust of your brains and get ready to learn something useless.

Question No. 6: Is it actually lucky if a bird poops on you?

There’s this set of power lines by Broadview station and there’s always like a hundred birds on it and I’m always afraid they’re going to shit on me.

Insert Bird On a Wire/Goldie Hawn’s acting/Mel’s Gibson’s carrier shit joke here.

Now I’ve heard that it’s lucky if a bird shits on you. I for one don’t believe it. It would be lucky if I walked into Value Village Value Village and found one of these babies.

But having a bird shit on you, how can that be lucky? They’re flying around up there and they let loose and it could land on anything or anyone and it lands on me! If anything that’s the opposite of lucky. Does this guy look lucky to you?

Oh wondrous Internet, my all-knowing cybernetic sage. Expose the luck of bird shit for the festering pack of lies that it is. Or blow my mind with proof of its existence.

Wooop. Wooop. Beeeeep. Zip. Zap. Rap. Wrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Buzzzzzzz. Ding!

Magic Internet Answer: Sigh, another excrement question. Remind me to wipe my brow(ser) when we’re done. It’s starting to stink around here. If the luckiness of bird excretions is a myth then the easiest way to prove it would be through the study of statistical data. Unfortunately there are no know statistics covering people that have been shit on by birds and wither or not good fortune closely followed said shitting. Yes, I’m surprised too. That being said there is a substantial number of claims by people visiting casinos that a large win fall closely followed incidents of birds shitting on their cars in the casino parking lot.

File photo: High Roller.

However it is more than likely that just as many, if not more gamblers won money at casinos with no such incidents of shitting. Also casino patrons are known to wear adult diapers in lieu of going to the bathroom so I am going to rule them out of any statistical equation due to their mental dysfunction.

So without tangible statistics to help me with the answer I will have to move on and see what I do have that is tangible. First there is luck. We know luck exists. Human beings experience luck all the time. Be it at sporting events, in the ability of the moronic to avoid death

or the birth of Paris Hilton. However there is no way to measure luck or foretell its occurrence. In fact the definition of luck is, The chance happening of fortunate or adverse events. So perhaps it is the statistical odds of the bird pooping on you that brings about the luck as it is a rare event. But there are variables in that too. As you mentioned earlier you fear walking under those power lines because of all the birds resting on them. So surely the odds of you getting pooped on there are much higher than elsewhere. Much like if you were walking around here.

This brings us the second tangible item, the actual poop. Could there be fortune in the bird poop? That picture above is from a guano island. Guano islands are deserted islands that are hosts to large seabird populations. The birds defecate on the islands so much that the depth of the bird shit can be several meters and actually change the physical shape and size of the islands.

The guano (bird shit) is often harvested from these islands and used as an effective fertilizer or even in the production of gunpowder. But you couldn’t make enough gunpowder from one bird’s droppings to fire a gun made by David Kucer David Kucer so it’s not worth much to you in that aspect.

The Japanese are known to use bird shit as a facial treatment (of course they do). Uguisu no fun (literally bird excrement) is a popular skin softener made from the guanine of nightingales. Although disgusting some high end salons in major American cities offer the treatment under the title of a geisha facial.

Light me up and give me another Saki shit face!

So you could try rubbing it into your skin. Other than that there is no known tangible luck behind a bird pooping on you. I believe it is merely something that people say to feel better about what is really an unfortunate and rather disgusting event.

I knew it! Thanks Magic Internet. And I don’t need the myth of luck to feel better. Next time a bird poops on me I’ll just go home and watch that episode of the Flintstones where Barney takes a shit in that Pelican’s mouth.

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