I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

President’s Choice presents: Memories of Little Johnny.

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever eaten?

The reason I ask is because this weekend I had  black pudding for breakfast.

Most people wouldn’t eat this for any meal never mind breakfast but I like it. Also at the grocery store this weekend, I saw these.

For all I know jerky nuggets could taste just fine. Maybe they’re not much different from regular jerky, which I don’t mind at all but there’s something about that picture on the bag and the fact that they’re in nugget form that just makes me shudder. Yes, I’ll gladly eat a type of sausage made by cooking blood or dried blood with a filler until it is thick enough to congeal when cooled but dried poultry makes me heave.

I think it has to do with my upbringing. When I was a kid I ate all kinds of gross things due to a mixture of curiosity, coercion, low gag reflex and Scottish parents. Things like…


No one should be eating liver. It’s essentially the body’s toxic waste dump. But because some relatives were forced to eat it during war time, I was forced to eat it during dinner time. All I can say is thank god for ketchup and thank god Silence of the Lambs didn’t come out until 1991 or my parents would never have gotten me to eat that shit.

Me on liver night.


Hey, if we’re going to eat the liver why don’t we eat these wee jobbies on the sides too? At least they had the good sense to bake it into a pie. Most things can be tolerated in pie form.

I said most things.

I still didn’t like eating the kidney pieces though. The only way my dad could get me to eat them was to tell me that kidney was what cowboys ate. I can’t believe I fell for that. You know what dad? Cowboys also never bathed and slept with prostitutes.

I hates manure but I loves prostitutes and kidney. Yee Haw!


Actually we usually didn’t even have Spam. We had a cheaper Canadian version called Klik. No fancy imported meats for little Johnny.

Guess it could have been worse. We could have had Mayfair’s Spiced Beef Loaf (for visitors) or Spork or even Poreef.

Potato Chip Sandwichs

I’m not sure if this was something that was passed down to me as a kid or if it was something I came up with on my own. I remember stealing croutons from the salad bar at Wendy’s to put in my burger so it made a crunching noise when I ate it like the burgers did on the Flintstones. The potato chip sandwich may have evolved from there. This is something that although gross, I still enjoy eating. My favorite is a ketchup chip sandwich with ketchup on it. Once I even made a sandwich out of simulated bacon bits and heated it up in the microwave. It did not taste good.

Oh the culinary possibilities.

Dog Food

Not all animal bi-products/snacks were forced upon me by my parents. When I was little I spent a lot of time with the neighborhood dogs. And when in Rome…

I don’t remember much about how the kibble tasted. I do remember that although the Kibbles N Bits looked better, they didn’t taste as good because they were really soft and chewy and they would get stuck in my teeth.

For the 3 other people that remember Whacky Packages.

Also when my mom would catch me and try to stop me, the dogs would often growl at her and chase her away. Where were they when she was force feeding me liver? Come on you Bumpus Hounds, the back door’s open!

I don’t know who made this… but it’s really fucking weird. Smell you later.

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