Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0051.

Dear DVD Collection,

Over the years I have watched you grow from a single copy of Detroit Rock City to a vast sprawling library of equally terrible films and television shows. We have become close over this time and many of you I will keep and cherish forever. But for some of you the time has come for us to part ways.

Unopened copy of War of the Worlds...

it’s not your fault. I love your story I just hate Tom Cruise.

Unopened copy of the Brothers Grimm.

There’s a special place in hell for you and you better hope that Jacob and Wilhelm aren’t already there waiting.

Black Cobra 2

You came from a box of DVDs that literally fell off the back of a truck. I will never see Black Cobra 1 or 3 so you should feel proud that I watched you at all.

Don’t think of it as me getting rid of you. Think of it as me releasing you back into the wild. You’ll be with your own kind. On the dusty shelves of Game Shack or Game Centre where you will be handled briefly buy numerous browsers. Maybe some twisted soul will deem you worthy of purchase. Maybe you’ll be sent overseas and used as crude building material for huts in Africa. Most likely you will wind up filling the cracks of a landfill diaper pile. But know this, the sacrifice of you and your brothers allowed me to obtain Beverly Hills 90210 Season 1 Box Set used.

Whenever Dylan appears accompanied by electric guitar, whenever Brandon is awoken with perfect hair by his pants-less sister climbing onto his bed, whenever David Silver finds an opportunity to showcase his proficiency at doing the running man, I will think of you bad DVDs.


Yours truly,


Johnny Creepshow.

Sorry folks. I just had to get that off my chest. But it’s true. Since I’m moving at the end of the month I weeded out some of my more terrible (not in a good way) DVDs and traded them for a 90210 box set. Re-watching the (30something) year old kids from Beverly Hills again is both sad and hilarious. I watched an episode the other night called One Man and a Baby (way to phone it in writers) that was about Brandon briefly dating a girl with a baby and coming to the conclusion that, This baby raising stuff isn’t that hard after all. It had an equally retarded subplot that involved Brenda and Kelly winning skydiving lessons off the radio. They both lust after their instructor who’s played by Paul Satterfield.

A coup for the 90210 casting agents back in 1990 as Paul was surely still riding high on the success of his 1989 film Arena.



I think instructor Paul wound up dressing the two of them in some left over Arena costumes for the final skydiving scene too.

But watching Kelly and Brenda dressed like aerodynamic raisins horning over who was going to be strapped to sexy Paul Satterfield got me thinking. Do you think anyone has ever done it in midair while skydiving? People are always talking about the mile high club and people that skydive have done a whole lot of other stupid crap while in midair.

So why not try bumping uglies? Do you think it’s happened? Do yeah? Do yeah?! Let’s find out.

Question 51: Has anyone had sex while skydiving?



Magic Internet Answer: There is no record of anyone performing sexual intercourse while in freefall. Naked skydiving has gained enough popularity to garner an official club.

But there are no recorded instances of naked skydivers copulating and it is highly unlikely that any have. Even at full altitude skydivers only have 45-60 seconds of free fall time before they must track away and deploy their chutes. Given the amount of time it would take to merely get into position it is doubtful that anyone could perform a sexual act that quickly.

I bet old 2 pumps and a puff Hugh Heffner could manage it. (That’s right I said puff. It comes out in powdered form these days.)

Yes, well even if the aged lothario you speak of could indeed manage engage in sex while in freefall it would be very dangerous as he could run the risk of accidently pulling a handle resulting in a premature chute deployment.

Too easy.

So it would seem that the closest one is going to get to experiencing sexual intercourse while skydiving is to view a rerun of the horrible, horrible television show Manswers.

Oh well. Sorry skyding sexy sax guy...

You’re out of a job.

Ask the Magic internet a Stupid Question No. 0050.

Growing up I was always fascinated by trains but not in the way you think. I wasn’t one of those kids that went around in stripy over-alls and conductor hat talking about how I was going to be a train conductor one day.

Listen Casey Jr. Real train conductors don’t even dress like that. You need to get yourself a short sleeved dress shirt and a clip on tie and a water bottle full of Prince Igor.

I may have had a train set at one point but I was never one of those model railroad enthusiasts.

You know what’s worse than being on a train that’s delayed due to construction? Spending all your free time setting up a tiny plastic work crew to delay a tiny plastic train full of nobody going nowhere.

And speaking of train nerds, I also was never a train spotter.

I think I just spotted a CSXT 4617 pulling three cars of utter loneliness.

I was just a kid that grew up near a set of railway tracks. Despite all those film strips and safety videos they showed us at school most kids played on or near the railroad tracks back then. In fact one of the main reasons we used to walk along the tracks was to look for those explosive signals that the safety films warned us not to touch.

We had no idea these things existed until we saw those films.

I don’t remember ever actually finding any. Those safety films were so out of date that they probably stopped using them before I was born. Either that or the big kids got them first. When you’re a little kid you know that the big kids get everything first.

Screw you big kids! I’ll never get to meet Freddy Krueger or have a Walkman.

I do remember finding flattened pennies though.

Those stories your parents told you about a penny on the tracks derailing a train… lies, all vicious lies.

Sometimes we’d find flattened animals too. And sometimes we’d find just weird piles of foul smelling goo on the tracks that seemed to come from the passing trains. Some of the kids said that it came from the train’s toilet and that the trains just dumped all the pee and poo on the tracks while they were in transit. I probably believed them even though it was more likely some toxic chemical that leaked out of one of the tanker cars that would turn anyone that touched it into one giant melanoma in 10 years time.

Rocky, I want you to stay away from that Spicoli boy. He’s a bad influence on you. And what’s that on your face? Have you been playing by the railway tracks again?!

Oh well, it doesn’t matter if it’s true or not. At least the train toilet legend kept us from touching whatever it was. But recently I read something that might prove that it is true. A woman in India was on a train when she gave birth in the toilet and the baby slipped down through the toilet chute.html onto the tracks. Seeing as the Magic Internet has already given weight to Joe Dirt’s space peanut theory, I figure it’s high time we learned more about the lavatorial secretes of trains.

Question 50: Do passenger trains dump their toilet waste on the tracks while in transit?



Magic Internet Answer: There are 3 standard types of toilets in use on trains today. In most modern carriages and trains running in more wealthy and densely populated areas a chemical retention tank is used. This is similar to the types of toilets used on commercial airliners. The human waste is stored in tanks and removed at terminal stations or during long stop-overs.

Hey are you guys gonna eat that?

The major problem with chemical toilets is that they limit a carriage’s in-service time. The railway company must pull the carriage out of service to remove the waste regularly or run the risk of the toilet retention tank filling up and the toilet overflowing.

Uh oh. I ate too much.

A solution to this is the second type of toilet in use on trains, a composting toilet. This type of toilet uses bacterial actions to break down human waste before releasing it onto the tracks byway of a chlorine sanitizing tank. It still leaves waste on the tracks but is much more hygienic.

Caddyshack File Photo: World’s largest chlorine sanitizing tank.

The third and final type of train toilet is found on older carriages and trains in use in more rural parts of Europe and Asia. It is known as a hopper toilet and it disposes of waste directly onto the tracks through a drop chute or simple hole in the floor.

So to answer your question, yes some trains do still dump human waste directly onto the tracks. Most modern rail companies however are turning away from using carriages with hopper toilets do to the environmental impact of leaving untreated human waste on the ground and in some areas there are regulations forbidding it. They are still widely used in other parts of the world such as India where railway regulations are far more lax.

Thanks Magic Internet. Your scatological knowledge is vast as always. I wonder it old Doc Brown ever took a dump right into his train’s Mr. Fission to get himself back in time? If he didn’t, I bet his creepy kid did.



Smell Ya Later people.

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0049.

I’ve only got basic cable right now. I got tired of all the crap that was on TV and how expensive it is. Sometimes I miss going past 28. Like when I realize that 2 of my channels are French and another one is the Sun News channel.

It’s like Fox News but everyone is uglier and more boring.

I usually just end up watching Simpson’s reruns. I saw one the other night with Cletus in it.



Cletus found a pair of scissors or something and said, Hey Brandine! I found somethin what to finally cut that umbilical cord with. And then it cuts to this:

Ahahahahahaha! Yes I know the Simpson’s kind of sucks now and we all wish Lisa was dead but sometimes they can still make the magic happen. And that scene got me wondering too. Do you think you could raise a baby with the umbilical cord still attached? You might have to keep it in a bucket full of embryonic fluid or something but could the mother still just eat stuff and the baby would get fed? Time to produce some magic of my own. Magic of the internet variety.

Question 49: Can a mother not cut the umbilical cord and feed and raise her born baby with it?

Umbilical Charger - watch more funny videos

Magic Internet Answer: You are lucky that computers do not have a gag reflex because that question is so stupid that it would surely cause me to purge abandoned Hotmail accounts all over you. You obviously have little to no knowledge about the process of human birth. The umbilical cord is attached to the placenta. The placenta may remain attached to the mother for several minutes but it will eventually detach. Therefore there is no way that the child could remain attached to the mother for any great length of time.

Hospital Dumpster Diner. Today’s Special: Free range Haggis.

Did you not learn any of this in school?

Well, they tried to show us a video once in grade 9 health class but the teacher left the room while we were watching it and one kid went up to the VCR and started fast forwarding and rewinding it over and over so we just saw the baby shloping in and out. Since then I have avoided witnessing anything like that because I think it’s gross. Right P. Diddy?

Mmhmm. It ruins the sexy.

Caveman say, Oooohhhh!

Recent research from Canadian scientists has uncovered that early humans interbred with neanderthals.

I’m pretty sure this is how it went down.

So what this means is that many people today are walking around with a little bit of caveman DNA in them. A little bit?! It’s got to be more than a little bit. Sometimes I’m surprised there aren’t balls of hairy knuckle skin blowing around the streets like tumbleweed. But at least this explains a lot.

 It explains:

Ultimate Fighting fans.

Putting balls on your truck.

The popularity of Charlie Sheen.

Burger King’s menu for the next several decades.

Those guys that scream, Wooo! all the time when they get drunk.

Hunting lingerie.

 

 

The recording and production of a new Limp Bizkit album.

Beer for dogs.

Fur coats for men.

Female body builders.

Owning a 2,000 sq ft home but still feeling the need to turn your garage into your dream bachelor apartment.

And this guy.

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0048.

You know what sucks about buying a house?

The 5th album

Looking for furniture sucks. There’s really only 3 ways you can go about it; cheap, expensive or vintage. If you have even an iota of taste and you want new cheap furniture then your only real option is Ikea. I’m starting to loath Ikea. Sure some of their stuff looks ok and it’s a good deal but any retro Scandinavian penance it has is instantly ruined the first time someone comes over, points at it and says, Ikea, huh? And if you don’t look out you’ll wake up one day feeling like you’re living in the showroom or worse yet the Sims.

That’s right. Look at this. Now look around your room and commence feeling awkward.

The absolute worst part about buying Ikea furniture is having to go to Ikea. No matter what time of year it is there’s always some dumb parents buying stuff for their dumb daughter who’s going away to college. And lots of those asshole couples from Mississauga. I can’t be bothered trying to describe them. Just take a handful of the following words, throw them at the wall and see what sticks.

Track pants cell phone tribal tattoo hot pink Coach Purse cologne at 10 am gum chewing spray tan will this fit in the Civic? no socks Tap Out Fight wear eyebrow ring Pink is the New Black What about this babe? What about this one babe? What do you think of this Babe?

If it wasn’t for the 50 cent hot dogs and that weird pop that tastes like Christmas I would happily pledge never to set foot in Ikea again. But if you want cheap, that’s where you have to go. What other choices do you have? The Brick? Fucking Leons??!!



Vintage furniture shopping is more fun. Especially when you get a deal. I got two 50s Danish teak chairs from a record store the other week for $150! But getting deals on vintage furniture is becoming more and more difficult. Most of the good stuff costs as much as high end new furniture. And like Ikea you need to know when to draw the line. A few good vintage pieces can make a room look modern yet lived in but if you go overboard people might start to think you suffered some kind of nervous breakdown in the 60s.

Oh and if people like this make you uncomfortable.

Then vintage furniture shopping probably isn’t for you.

That just leaves expensive furniture. Expensive furniture is nice. It better be. Shopping for it sucks. All expensive furniture stores seem to be staffed by ex models. They can only speak in a polite whisper but they possess the ability to sum up your net worth in a single scathing glance.

Just browsing, hmm?

Even if you do break down and buy something you’ll never be happy with it. As soon as the card is swiped you’ll be thinking I can’t believe I just paid that much for something I can’t even drive home. And once you get it home you won’t even want to sit on it in case you ruin it. That’s why people have those rooms that no one sits in. I had a friend growing up whose parents had one of those rooms. If we went in there when his parents were out he would vacuum the carpet after to hide the foot prints. He’s probably a serial killer now.

Are you SITTING in my Karl Farbman??!!

I’m telling you, don’t send your kids to karate, don’t send them to skateboard camp. (Yes it exists I’ve seen it.) Send them to furniture making classes. They’ll thank you for it later. That’s what they should be teaching in art school, a useful form of art. I can’t count the number of times I’ve needed something to sit on in a gallery after reading the horseshit some contemporary artist has written to describe 2 blobs and a stroke. But maybe making furniture is too much like hard work. Maybe it’s not creative enough. Maybe the medium is too ridged. You know what would make it more appealing? If you could melt wood. Imagine the amazing furniture designs you could have if you could melt wood like plastic. Why can’t you? When I was younger I thought every material could be turned from a solid into a liquid or gas with enough heat. My theory on wood was that you just had to figure out a way to bypass the combustion point. Maybe you can. I don’t know. But I know someone who does.

Question 48: Can you melt wood?


No furniture rant written by a Torontonian is complete without the Idomo guy.

Magic Internet Answer: It is physically impossible to melt wood. Materials like water, metal, rock and even plastic are simple structures that do not go through large changes when they are heated.

Like hot dogs!

But when wood is heated it decomposes chemically. The chemical bonds that hold it together breakdown causing it to come apart. Also when wood is heated in air it begins to oxidize. One might think this could be prevented by heating wood in a vacuum. In space perhaps? But even heating wood slowly in the vacuum of space would not prevent it from decomposing into carbon charcoal and methanol among other components. Not to mention the facts that long term heat exposure lowers wood’s ignition temperature and it would most certainly burn up when reentering the earth’s atmosphere. Ha, ha. Magic Internet make joke.

Well that answers that. You can’t melt wood people. Not even in space. So you steampunks better think twice before loading your wooden R2 D2s into your brass X-Wings.

Ha, double ha. I make the jokes around here.