You know what sucks about buying a house?
The 5th album
Looking for furniture sucks. There’s really only 3 ways you can go about it; cheap, expensive or vintage. If you have even an iota of taste and you want new cheap furniture then your only real option is Ikea. I’m starting to loath Ikea. Sure some of their stuff looks ok and it’s a good deal but any retro Scandinavian penance it has is instantly ruined the first time someone comes over, points at it and says, Ikea, huh? And if you don’t look out you’ll wake up one day feeling like you’re living in the showroom or worse yet the Sims.
That’s right. Look at this. Now look around your room and commence feeling awkward.
The absolute worst part about buying Ikea furniture is having to go to Ikea. No matter what time of year it is there’s always some dumb parents buying stuff for their dumb daughter who’s going away to college. And lots of those asshole couples from Mississauga. I can’t be bothered trying to describe them. Just take a handful of the following words, throw them at the wall and see what sticks.
Track pants cell phone tribal tattoo hot pink Coach Purse cologne at 10 am gum chewing spray tan will this fit in the Civic? no socks Tap Out Fight wear eyebrow ring Pink is the New Black What about this babe? What about this one babe? What do you think of this Babe?If it wasn’t for the 50 cent hot dogs and that weird pop that tastes like Christmas I would happily pledge never to set foot in Ikea again. But if you want cheap, that’s where you have to go. What other choices do you have? The Brick? Fucking Leons??!!
Vintage furniture shopping is more fun. Especially when you get a deal. I got two 50s Danish teak chairs from a record store the other week for $150! But getting deals on vintage furniture is becoming more and more difficult. Most of the good stuff costs as much as high end new furniture. And like Ikea you need to know when to draw the line. A few good vintage pieces can make a room look modern yet lived in but if you go overboard people might start to think you suffered some kind of nervous breakdown in the 60s.
Oh and if people like this make you uncomfortable.
Then vintage furniture shopping probably isn’t for you.
That just leaves expensive furniture. Expensive furniture is nice. It better be. Shopping for it sucks. All expensive furniture stores seem to be staffed by ex models. They can only speak in a polite whisper but they possess the ability to sum up your net worth in a single scathing glance.
Just browsing, hmm?
Even if you do break down and buy something you’ll never be happy with it. As soon as the card is swiped you’ll be thinking I can’t believe I just paid that much for something I can’t even drive home. And once you get it home you won’t even want to sit on it in case you ruin it. That’s why people have those rooms that no one sits in. I had a friend growing up whose parents had one of those rooms. If we went in there when his parents were out he would vacuum the carpet after to hide the foot prints. He’s probably a serial killer now.
Are you SITTING in my Karl Farbman??!!
I’m telling you, don’t send your kids to karate, don’t send them to skateboard camp. (Yes it exists I’ve seen it.) Send them to furniture making classes. They’ll thank you for it later. That’s what they should be teaching in art school, a useful form of art. I can’t count the number of times I’ve needed something to sit on in a gallery after reading the horseshit some contemporary artist has written to describe 2 blobs and a stroke. But maybe making furniture is too much like hard work. Maybe it’s not creative enough. Maybe the medium is too ridged. You know what would make it more appealing? If you could melt wood. Imagine the amazing furniture designs you could have if you could melt wood like plastic. Why can’t you? When I was younger I thought every material could be turned from a solid into a liquid or gas with enough heat. My theory on wood was that you just had to figure out a way to bypass the combustion point. Maybe you can. I don’t know. But I know someone who does.
Question 48: Can you melt wood?
No furniture rant written by a Torontonian is complete without the Idomo guy.
Magic Internet Answer: It is physically impossible to melt wood. Materials like water, metal, rock and even plastic are simple structures that do not go through large changes when they are heated.
Like hot dogs!
But when wood is heated it decomposes chemically. The chemical bonds that hold it together breakdown causing it to come apart. Also when wood is heated in air it begins to oxidize. One might think this could be prevented by heating wood in a vacuum. In space perhaps? But even heating wood slowly in the vacuum of space would not prevent it from decomposing into carbon charcoal and methanol among other components. Not to mention the facts that long term heat exposure lowers wood’s ignition temperature and it would most certainly burn up when reentering the earth’s atmosphere. Ha, ha. Magic Internet make joke.
Well that answers that. You can’t melt wood people. Not even in space. So you steampunks better think twice before loading your wooden R2 D2s into your brass X-Wings.
Ha, double ha. I make the jokes around here.