I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0051.

Dear DVD Collection,

Over the years I have watched you grow from a single copy of Detroit Rock City to a vast sprawling library of equally terrible films and television shows. We have become close over this time and many of you I will keep and cherish forever. But for some of you the time has come for us to part ways.

Unopened copy of War of the Worlds...
it’s not your fault. I love your story I just hate Tom Cruise.

Unopened copy of the Brothers Grimm.

There’s a special place in hell for you and you better hope that Jacob and Wilhelm aren’t already there waiting.

Black Cobra 2
You came from a box of DVDs that literally fell off the back of a truck. I will never see Black Cobra 1 or 3 so you should feel proud that I watched you at all.

Don’t think of it as me getting rid of you. Think of it as me releasing you back into the wild. You’ll be with your own kind. On the dusty shelves of Game Shack or Game Centre where you will be handled briefly buy numerous browsers. Maybe some twisted soul will deem you worthy of purchase. Maybe you’ll be sent overseas and used as crude building material for huts in Africa. Most likely you will wind up filling the cracks of a landfill diaper pile. But know this, the sacrifice of you and your brothers allowed me to obtain Beverly Hills 90210 Season 1 Box Set used.

Whenever Dylan appears accompanied by electric guitar, whenever Brandon is awoken with perfect hair by his pants-less sister climbing onto his bed, whenever David Silver finds an opportunity to showcase his proficiency at doing the running man, I will think of you bad DVDs.

Yours truly,

Johnny Creepshow.

Sorry folks. I just had to get that off my chest. But it’s true. Since I’m moving at the end of the month I weeded out some of my more terrible (not in a good way) DVDs and traded them for a 90210 box set. Re-watching the (30something) year old kids from Beverly Hills again is both sad and hilarious. I watched an episode the other night called One Man and a Baby (way to phone it in writers) that was about Brandon briefly dating a girl with a baby and coming to the conclusion that, This baby raising stuff isn’t that hard after all. It had an equally retarded subplot that involved Brenda and Kelly winning skydiving lessons off the radio. They both lust after their instructor who’s played by Paul Satterfield.

A coup for the 90210 casting agents back in 1990 as Paul was surely still riding high on the success of his 1989 film Arena.

I think instructor Paul wound up dressing the two of them in some left over Arena costumes for the final skydiving scene too.

But watching Kelly and Brenda dressed like aerodynamic raisins horning over who was going to be strapped to sexy Paul Satterfield got me thinking. Do you think anyone has ever done it in midair while skydiving? People are always talking about the mile high club and people that skydive have done a whole lot of other stupid crap while in midair.

So why not try bumping uglies? Do you think it’s happened? Do yeah? Do yeah?! Let’s find out.

Question 51: Has anyone had sex while skydiving?

Magic Internet Answer: There is no record of anyone performing sexual intercourse while in freefall. Naked skydiving has gained enough popularity to garner an official club.

But there are no recorded instances of naked skydivers copulating and it is highly unlikely that any have. Even at full altitude skydivers only have 45-60 seconds of free fall time before they must track away and deploy their chutes. Given the amount of time it would take to merely get into position it is doubtful that anyone could perform a sexual act that quickly.

I bet old 2 pumps and a puff Hugh Heffner could manage it. (That’s right I said puff. It comes out in powdered form these days.)

Yes, well even if the aged lothario you speak of could indeed manage engage in sex while in freefall it would be very dangerous as he could run the risk of accidently pulling a handle resulting in a premature chute deployment.

Too easy.

So it would seem that the closest one is going to get to experiencing sexual intercourse while skydiving is to view a rerun of the horrible, horrible television show Manswers.

Oh well. Sorry skyding sexy sax guy...

You’re out of a job.

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