I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0014

It’s been a while since I’ve gotten a black eye.

It’s probably because I look like this:

And I walk around carrying this:

But I do get bruised from time to time and one thing I’ve never bothered to do is to try and put meat on it. You know, that old timey comic/TV/movie thing where the boxer/housewife gets a black eye and then puts a steak on it?

Yeah that. I’ve never tried that. First of all it’s gross. I don’t like handling raw meat never mind putting it on my face. Secondly, who just has steaks lying around all the time? I buy steaks maybe once a month. And if I buy a steak I’m going to eat it! I don’t have a fridge full of steaks to throw away. Who am I, Uncle Ricoh?

I’ve only ever seen someone put a steak on their eye in real life once. It was this guy I knoew that found out that his girlfriend was cheating on him. When he confronted her about it she broke up with him and moved out. Later on he got drunk and tried to pick a fight with her new boyfriend at a bar. The new boyfriend beat him up and gave him a black eye. He never said if the steak helped his eye or not. He just said that he was drunk and that he couldn’t wait to eat the steak later. He also said, Never let your girlfriend convince you to throw out your bed when you move in together.

But do you think it helps? Do you think raw steak has some sort of healing properties? There’s only one way to find out.

Question 14: Does putting raw steak on a bruise help it heal?

Whoop. Whoop. Whoop. Whoop. Zip. Bop. Wrrrrrrrrrrrr. Sizzle. Ding!

Magic Internet Answer: No, Johnny. Applying a raw steak to bruised skin will in no way help it to heal more rapidly. IN fact it could make the injury much worse. Raw meat can be covered in harmful bacteria. Introducing all that bacteria to an open wound or a mucus membrane (i.e. your eye) could cause a serious infection.

File Photo: Gross Serious Infection

What someone has probably experienced when they claim to have had positive results from applying raw beef to an injury is the cold temperature of the meat helping to bring down the swelling. However reduction in inflammation can also be obtained with the use of an ice pack or even a frozen steak wrapped in plastic. The results will most likely be better than those obtained by raw meat.

Thanks Magic Internet. Now to thank you for your loyal answer to this stupid question and for potentially saving me from a barf inducing gross eye, I’d like to present you with this machine crafted high resolution plastic statue of Uncle Rico in his famous Steak Throw pose.

Thank you Johnny. I fear I may tear up here and short circuit. Time to power down. Good nighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

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