I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0012

I was watching This Is England ‘86 last week.

It’s a British miniseries by Shane Meadows that’s a spin off from his movie This Is England. It’s not quite as good as the film. It’s got some of the same characters but they all look terrible. Woody is sporting the worst Mod haircut since Paul Weller found a pudding bowl and a pair of scissors.

Ithought he looked much better as a skinhead.

Smell has found a way to make herself even more creepy and unappealing.

File Photo: Boner Antidote.

And everyone’s favorite little baby skin Shaun…

He grows up into a sullen, zitty faced teen that doesn’t dress sharp and yells at his mum all the time.

Still, it’s a good watch. But anyway, what does this have to do with today’s Magic Internet Question? Well, there was a scene in the show where Gadget (the fat one with the sweat band) shags a right old hound and she leaves him with a big hickey on his neck. And that got me thinking. In fact it caused me to remember a rather frightening event I witnessed as a youth. I was about 13 or 14 and I was at a party being thrown by a rather dumb neighbor girl who will remain nameless. At the party I saw a girl with her head right up under her boy friend’s shirt. She stayed like that for what seemed like hours. When she finally emerged, she lifted his shirt to show everyone that she had spelled out the boy’s own name on his chest in hickeys! Big letters too! And if you’re shaking your head saying it can’t be done, I’m telling you it can and here is proof. This guy got someone to suck Jesus onto his belly!

This is what people resort to when they can’t have sex before marriage.

So what’s the deal with hickeys? They seem to be a sad, disgusting, regrettable part of youth throughout history. But for how long? Come on Magic Internet. Put your googles on and tell me.

Question 12: What is the origin of the hickey?

Buzzzzz. Nee. Neer. Nee. Neer. Grzzzzz. Oi. Oi. Oi. Vrrrrrrrzzzzz. Ziiiiiip. Ding!

Magic Internet Answer: The question you have posed to me today is quite a paradox, Johnny. That is, it is stupid yet difficult. Let’s start by analyzing exactly what a hickey is. A hickey is a temporary bruise or mark on the skin caused by suction or biting. It can also be accompanied by red speckles. These speckles are known as petechiae. Petechiae are small purpuric eruptions caused by the hemorrhage of capillary blood vessels near the surface of the skin.

It is impossible to say when the first hickey was given or received. Hickies are synonymous with kissing and kissing dates back to primitive times when a mother would chew food and pass it to her infant’s mouth to eat. Over time man has evolved to the point where machines now pre-chew baby food and kissing has become an intimate display of affection for adults. Hickies however are shunned by most adults. They are usually looked upon as the accessories of adolescent ignoramuses’.

Or as warning signs that the marked individual is a super huge slut.

We can however look at when the term hickey came into use. The origin of the word is American and came into use some were around 1905 to 1910. It was originally used as a phrase to describe an unknown object. Over time this phrase evolved into doohickey, which is still used today. For example, this doohickey here is used for peeling hotdogs.

Factory Floor Animation 2: Hot Dog Peeler from JoelOtron on Vimeo.

By the 1950s Americans were using the term hicky or hickies to refer to facial blemishes. Evidence of this can be seen in this ad for Fleischmann’s Yeast.

It is easy to see how the term hickey could make the jump from describing a pimple to describing a love bite. Young women of the 1950s were expected to be pure of virtue and if a 50s girl was asked about a mark on her neck by her stern pipe smoking father she would most definitely try to explain it away as a hickey or skin blemish. It also explains why so many 50s girls wore these.

But it doesn’t in anyway explain this.

At least women of the 50s had a flattering method of concealment for hickies. Men had to make do with the stifling turtle neck or appropriately named dickie. But then again dickies are not just for the gents.

You may have noticed that I also used the term love bite. Although hickey is a known phrase in the United Kingdom, love bite is the more commonly used term over there. Local English rock band Judas Priest even wrote a song about love bites.

Bonus: Double guitar!

But if you want a song about hickies. You won’t find one in the UK. You will have to turn to American hip hop singer Little Shawn.

And with that, there is nothing more to say about hickeys.

After seeing that I feel bad for thinking little Shaun from This Is England ’86 was lame. Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to head out to Party Barn. Pick up one of these.

One of these.

And one of these.

And dress up for Halloween as a chain smoking hickey covered skinhead! And what do the kids get when they knock on my door? Either a Bad Manners single.

Or a Non-Racist Black Skinhead Panthro.

Check ya later.

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