I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Rx: Diacetylmorphine 100ml. To be taken orally along with your own butt muck.

It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago and someone lovingly picked out this wonderful gift for me.

Now I’m not a G. G. Allin fan per say (Don’t get me wrong, Suck My Ass It Smells is a pretty catchy tune.). But I am a fan of punk rock so I will welcome this disgusting little man’s record into my collection. If anything it is one less copy that may fall into the hands of some impressionable youth.

Like being covered in shit, huh kid? Boy do I have a record for you.

It also caused me to spend an hour or two learning a little more about Mr. Allin. For instance did you know that his real name is Jesus Christ? It’s true. His deranged father named him that when he was born. His brother couldn’t pronounce it properly and instead called him Gee Gee, hence the name. Isn’t learning fun kids? Also a lot of people believe that G. G. didn’t stay true to his word by not killing himself on Halloween like he promised.

Would this man lie to you?

In actuality he was in hospital or jail every Halloween after he made that statement and then died of a heroin overdose. So there all you jealous types that dare besmirch the good name of G. G. Allin. I also never realized how much time he spent in hospital. I really can’t picture a gutter punk heroin addict that eats his own poo waking up one morning and thinking, Hmm, something doesn’t feel quite right. I mean jail I understand. They make you go there but the hospital? Maybe people called an ambulance for him after he passed out just to get him out of their house/club/gutter.

Hello 1-800-Got-Junk?

But since he did spend so much time in hospital he probably knew a thing or two about medical practice. I mean people in all professions say that nothing beats hands on experience. Most of these so called doctors just read about medical problems in books. They haven’t even had a fraction of sicknesses they diagnose.

Left: Never had diarrhea. Right: Never had a painful erection lasting more than 5 hours.

So that’s why here at the Creepshow I’ve decided to resurrect good ol’ G. G. so he can answer some of your medical questions in a segment I like to call…


Betty Jackson from Dildo, Newfoundland writes:

Dear Dr. Allin,
This morning I was out walking the hills of Dildo when I accidently cut my arm on a rusty fence post nail. The cut isn’t deep but I’m worried it might be infected. What should I do?

Dr. Allin replies:

Rub shit on it fucker!!!

Michael Cartwright from Community Punch Bowl, Alberta asks:

Dear Dr. Allin,
Lately I’ve been having problems with indigestion. I sometimes wake up during the night with heartburn. Usually Pepto-Bismol seems to settle it down but I’m wondering if I should ask my doctor for something more effective. What do you recommend?

Dr. Allin prescribes:

Empty beer bottle. Fill with piss. Drink. Repeat. Die scumbag!

Barry Lincoln from Swastika, Ontario writes:

Dear Dr. Allin,
Winter is not far away here and with it we all know comes cold and flu season. Do you have any tips to help stay healthy and flu free through the holidays?

Dr. Allin suggests:

Shoot heroin into your dick! Arrrrrrrghhh!!!

Uh oh. It looks like the resurrected G. G. Allin is dead again. Yep, another heroin overdose. I’ve got to stop leaving so much of that stuff lying around. (Mixed with vinegar it makes a great silver polish.) Oh well, tune in next week when I resurrect Jack the Ripper to answer your dating tips.

If she touches her hair that means she likes you.

Smell ya later.

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