I've got it all figured out.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

I understand the lemon for a head but why is his meat pants on backwards?

Have any of you ever been to Bulgaria? Maybe you’re there right now.

My new bicycle route to work takes me past this Bulgarian deli every day. I’ve never seen a Bulgarian deli. I kind of want to go in and see what it’s like but I’m also kind of afraid. This is how I imagine my trip to the Bulgarian deli will take place.

Location: Bulgarian Deli, Toronto, Near future…

(A handsome man enters.)

Bulgarian Deli Owner (eyeing him suspiciously): You are not Bulgarian! I know Bulgarian. What do you want little man?

Me: I just moved to the neighborhood and I thought I’d come check out your deli. Hey, what kind of cheese is that?

Bulgarian Deli Owner: You know nothing of our customs! Your presence here is an insult! I should take this cheese and SMASH you!

(The handsome man flees to the sound of boisterous laughter.)
Maybe I’m getting carried away but maybe not. I don’t know. I don’t really know anything about Bulgaria, that’s the problem. But not to worry, I’ve been researching the country extensively. Let me share with you what I have learned.

5 Facts about Bulgaria:

1) Due to its location in south-eastern Europe, Bulgaria is part of the Balkan Peninsula and Bulgarians can also be referred to as Balkans. Hmm, sounds kind of like Vulcans. I wonder if they have an affinity for Star Trek?

God, let’s hope not.

Still it might not hurt to wear a Vulcan hoodie.

But I better leave my mohawk and ghetto blaster at home.

2) Bulgaria is in contact with aliens. Leading Bulgarian astrophysicist Latchezer Filipov claims that aliens are living among us.

I’m pretty sure this is him.

He claims to have contacted aliens and posed 30 questions to them regarding world problems and he says that the aliens have answered back in the form of crop circles.

Hey! These aliens are alright.

3) Bulgaria is famous for its yogurt.

Lactobacillus Bulgaricus is a bacterium that can only be found in Bulgarian air. It’s what gives Bulgarian yogurt its unique flavor. Swedish yogurt on the other hand is made by taking milk and having Jocelyn Wildenstein stare at it for an hour or two.

4) In Bulgaria yes means no.


Calm down there drunken date rape guys. What I mean is that in Bulgaria they nod their heads for no and they shake their heads for yes. Here I’ll let them explain it to you.

See, totally backwards!

We’re still big over there.

5) The Bulgarian town of Varna has a donkey running for mayor.

Now I know you all think that’s crazy but it isn’t really. Bulgaria has only allowed multi-party elections for a little over 20 years and even here in Toronto we have a pig for a mayor.

Or possibly some form of space slug, you be the judge.

Hell, in Rabbit Hash Kentucky they have a pig and a donkey running for mayor.

So there you have it, a crash course on Bulgaria. Armed with this knowledge I’m confident that I won’t be mocked or beaten with cheese. Which is great because I can’t wait to make a matching Bulgarian Happy Shepherd Boys that look like Kris Kross.

Smell Ya Later.

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