I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0045.

Ever since I posted that clip of drunk Superman last week I can’t stop thinking about him. I was never really a rabid Superman fan growing up but we did share our moments. The first movie I ever watched on our Betamax was Superman and when iron on t-shirt shops were all the rage I remember getting a Superman t-shirt made at Oakville Place. Actually it was a sweatshirt. I demanded a sweatshirt because it had long sleeves and Superman’s costume had long sleeves. Yes my parents probably had to shell out an extra 10 bucks but not for their son’s love of Superman. No it was because their son was a pedantic little shit when it came to costume details. Oh well, I was just a kid. What’s this guy’s excuse?

Faster than a locomotive but not as fast as the A43 bus apparently.

I was never really into the Superman comics, although there was this big book at the Burlington Public Library that had a collection of some of the older ones that I used to look at. I remember one had a barber trying to cut Superman’s hair and breaking his scissors.

Yep, that’s the one.

I always liked things like that. The whole idea of extraordinary individuals faced with absurd yet ordinary situations. I mean who knew Superman’s hair even grew? How does he cut it anyway? And what about his whole romantic involvement with Lois Lane? In the movies he always had that infatuated awkwardness thing going on around her when he was Clark Kent. And it wasn’t just an act because he even used his x-ray vision to check out her panties as Superman.

Insert Fortress of Solitude wankadex joke here.

Could they even have a sexual relationship? What if Superman got caught up in the heat of the moment and his super loins jack hammered poor Lois into hamburger? And speaking of hamburger, does Superman eat? And if so does he shit? And if so does he have to shit in a special toilet that can handle it? Or maybe he flies out into space to drops tights. Or maybe his shit is so deadly that he has to throw it into the sun the way he did with all those nukes in Superman IV.

That’s what I want to know. Oh wise and powerful Magic Internet, suspend disbelief momentarily and shed some light on the gastrointestinal secrets of Superman.

Question 45: Does Superman take shits?

Stupid videos

Magic Internet Answer: Sigh, such a stupid question. But I shall entertain it only because it will be a welcome distraction from the repetitiveness of having to look up Megan Fox taking a shit. Many different comic book writers and artists have taken up the character of Superman and put their own spin on his life and history. So when it comes to the subject of Superman’s digestive system there has been a lot of speculation with no concrete facts. Most Superman enthusiasts will agree that Superman obtains most if not all of his energy from absorbing the rays of the sun. It is said that he doesn’t need to eat but does so out of habit. Although he is an extraterrestrial he had a fairly normal upbringing on a farm for 18 years where he would have enjoyed home cooking and many of the other joys of farm life.

Wow. Imagine how fast Superman could Hambone!

Collecting energy from the sun might suggest that Superman shares some characteristics with earth’s plant life but his body is most definitely of an anthropomorphic make up. So it must contain a stomach and a digestive track. And even a plant cannot live on sunlight alone. So for those who say that Superman only eats out of a force of habit, from a scientific perspective they are wrong. But what becomes of the food that Superman eats. Many enthusiasts say that Superman absorbs 100% of the food that he ingests leaving no waste. But again from a scientific perspective this seems impossible. So if it is known that Superman eats. Then yes, he shits. Where does he shit? Well if I am to suspend disbelief as you suggested then I am free to come up with my own hypothesis. Superheroes are very image driven and it is often the upkeep of this image that keeps the majority of uneducated lesser beings (i.e. humans) from becoming frightened or agitated with them and turning on them. Therefore it would not be good for Superman to have civilians see him shitting. Not to mention the damage that it would do. His Fortress of Solitude in the Arctic seems an ideal place for defecation. The name its self suggests privacy. In fact I’m sure many Superman fans have even coined the phrase when referring to their own toilets.

Unnhh, do you know what happens when you keep reversing time and eating the same Double Down? Unnnggghhh, sadly I do.

Any byproducts of Superman also contain superhuman properties and could pose a risk to mankind if they fell into the wrong hands. Like when Lex Luthor stole a strand of Superman’s hair from a museum display where it was holding up a 1000 pound ball and used it to create Nuclear Man.

All the old Superman hair from the movie is also on display at a museum.

It looks like it could threaten mankind with 25 year old head lice.

I would say that the easiest way for Superman to neutralize the threat posed by his own leavings would be to freeze them with his super cold breath and throw them into space. Perhaps directly into the sun as you suggested.

Ahhhhh. Pizza Hutt Buffett. I better get over to the Weather Network now and let them no it’s gonna be a hot one tomorrow.

I knew it! I’m so smart. And here’s something I bet you didn’t know about Superman. He’s actually Canadian!

Truth, justice and the American way my ass!

Oh and you know who else is Canadian? Broadway Joe!

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