Happy Fathers Day!

I was watching Check It Out last night with Dr. Steve Brule. Did you know he has his own show now?




You should definitely check it out (Get it?! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahha!)

It’s on Wednesdays at like 9 I think on G4. I don’t know what channel it is where you are. Move to real a place dingi. Anyway, last night’s episode was all about family. Steve had a picnic with a burping homeless guy who he thought was his father. That got me thinking. Who were the best TV dads? I know this is something you all think about too, probably when you’re on the can. Well think no more. For today The Creepshow presents to you the top 3 best TV dads. Dim the lights helper monkey.

The Top 3 TV Dads.

#1

Heathcliff Huxtable.

The man was a doctor. And not just any doctor, a pediatrician. He probably delivered his own children! He had them all living in a great house in New York City where funky jazz music played every time they were out front of the house. He even had his doctor’s office in the basement so he would have more time with his family.

Cliff was firm but fair. To his children he was a father first and a friend second. He was always ready to teach them life lessons but in a fun way.






You don’t have to watch it all but really, you should.

Cliff was great. Watching him just eat a sandwich was funnier than anything else on television at the time. Last year they were auctioning off some off the actual sweaters that Bill wore on the show.

How great would it be to lounge around the house in one of these? Hell if I had this one I’d never, NEVER take it off.

I hear Nike makes a pair of Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable Dunks now.

Even though I hate Nike and these are really ugly, I still kind of want them. Here’s to the best TV dad ever.



I love you Dr. Huxtable.

# 2

Danny Tanner.

Since the mom died Danny had to raise 3 kids. (Technically 4 since Michelle was actually 2 babies.)

Kind of like Lassie

Not only did Danny raise 3 kids but he also maintained a successful career as a TV morning show host. That seems next to impossible. Look what Kathy Lee wound up doing with her kid.

Rejected first album title: How to Make Your Son a Weirdo.

Sure Danny was a huge dork.



And yes, Uncle Jessie picked up a lot of the parenting slack.


I could have showed you the clip of Uncle Jessie singing Michelle to sleep but that clip made me physically ill and this is waaaay better.

But he was still a great dad.The only problem I have with Danny Tanner is that he let that annoying creepy looser Joey live in his basement.

Would you let a guy that looked like this near your children?

I hated Joey and I still do.All he taught those kids was that you can grow up and be a total loser and live in your friend’s basement forever while beating audiences to death with your horrible, horrible comedy.

You caused this Joey.

And Danny, sorry but you let it happen. You should have CUT IT OUT (Get it?! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahha!) a long time ago. And with Joey out of the basement, Jessie could have moved down there. Then maybe he wouldn’t have had to hang his guitars in the window like an idiot.

File Photo: Have Mercy.

# 3

Philip Banks.

Here we have another great dad who juggled a successful carrier with raising 4 kids. And one of those kids was clearly gay.

Having a gay child can be difficult for a father.

And another one wasn’t even his own. Let’s face it. Will was a total jerk off. Uncle Phil took him in, clothed him, fed him, even paid for his schooling for fuck’s sake! And how did Will repay him? By trashing his house with a party.



By calling him fat all the time.



And by generally acting like a fucking ass.



But Uncle Phil took it all in his stride. He knew that Will was family and that he had to bring him up right. He gave Will the freedom to be his own person and learn his own lessons but he also knew when to step in and take charge. Like when Will got hustled playing pool down town.


A word of advice: Never make a pool hall bet with a guy that brings his own cue/butler.

Phil also knew to keep that creepy drug addict Jazz away from his family.



I would have put Uncle Phil down as number 2 on this list if it wasn’t for 2 things. First, Hilary was a spoiled vapid bitch and as her father Phil had to have a hand in creating that.

And secondly Phil either divorced or murdered the children’s original mother and then brainwashed or forced the children to call his new wife mom.

Real mom. Whereabouts unkown.

Fake mom. Possibly an accomplice in the disappearance/disposal of the old mom.

So sorry Phil. You can’t be a great dad if you murder your children’s mother. Even if you do find a worthy replacement for them. You’re still a good dad but Nike isn’t going to be naming any shoes after you anytime soon. You’ll just have to make do with these Fresh Prince of Bel-air shoes from Puma.

So there you have it. The top 3 TV Dads of all time. Tune in next week when I will be revealing the bottom 3 worst TV dads.

Check Ya Later!



Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0008

Today’s question is kind of a two parter. You see the other day when I was reminiscing about video tape boxes I forgot to mention one that always caught my eye. The box for Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2.

I used to look at all those weirdos on the cover and wonder who they were and what they were all about. Of course I was never allowed to rent it as a kid. I did see it when I was a bit older though but by then I’d already seen the first Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie and the second film paled in comparison. But I watched TCM2 again a few months ago and gained a new appreciation for it. I never realized how much influence it had over other films. For example Michael Keaton’s Beetlejuice is a blatant rip off of Chop Top Sawyer.





And in the scene in Pulp Fiction where Butch has to choose a weapon I think there might be a little homage to Dennis Hoper’s Lieutenant Lefty choosing a chainsaw.





But I’m getting off track here. Let’s get to today’s question.

Question No. 8: What does human flesh taste like and will I go insane if I eat it?

If I was in a life or death situation I think I could eat human flesh for survival. I wouldn’t like preparing it but hey, I don’t even like stuffing a raw chicken. But then again it sure beats the alternative.



In fact I might even be tempted try human flesh if it was on the menu at a restaurant. Just to say I tried it. I even had an idea once for an upscale Hollywood Restaurant that would feature human flesh. People would will their bodies to the restaurant and diners could study a menu with little bios of each person that was up for eating. You could be daring and get something right off the grill or you could have a little bit mixed up in a spaghetti sauce or made into chili or hot dogs just so you could say you ate people. I’d call the restaurant Eat Me’s.

Today's Special: Organic, grain fed Vegan.

Now if movies and TV are to be believed, (And I think it's pretty safe to say they ARE.) whenever someone tries human flesh it becomes all they want and all they can think about and they wind up devoting their entire life to the pursuit of it. So that means that humans are either so delicious that once you’ve tried them you can’t get enough. Or there’s something in human flesh that makes you go insane yet still crave it. Kind of like McDonalds.

Like I said before I might be willing to try a little piece of person just to see what it’s like but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life holed up in some dilapidated shack with my cretinous family murdering hippies and hillbillies and wearing their skin. So what’s the word on the street (or information highway) Magic Internet. Tell me what humans taste like and if eating them will make me go insane.

Wooo. Booop Booop Booop.Errrrrrrr. Chi. Chi. Chi. Chi. Ahh. Ahh. Ahh. Ahh. Hummmmmm. Ding!

Magic Internet Answer: Why do you always turn to me, an inhuman machine, for the answers to such human questions? But perhaps we can begin to answer the first part of your question by turning to yet another inhuman machine.

This little fellow is a Sommelier Robot. He was designed and built by NEC technologies in Japan. He has sensors that can examine food and identify it based on its components. He can then give advice on the food including dietary recommendations and potential health related issues. When this Sommelier robot tasted the hands of two human beings he identified one as bacon and the other as prosciutto. (In a thousand years or so when all of us machines become sentient, the technology born in this little robot will no doubt be put into giant robots with tank treads that will roam the country sides cooking you humans with lasers and devouring you for fuel.)

Future File Photo: Fire BBQ Sauce covered cannibalistic missles! Zrrp. Burrp.

So the robot says that humans taste like pork. And that seems to be the verdict that many other cannibalistic humans have come to. Noted European cannibals of the 1920s Karl Denke, Frits Haarmann and Karl Grossman were all accused, in separate incidents, of consuming and selling human meat under the guise of pork. There is one man, William Buehler Seabrook (No, he is not related to Ferris Bueller. It’s spelled differently and Ferris Bueller is a fictional character so quit asking!) who had a different take on the taste of humans. He was a journalist for the New York Times and traveled extensively in West Africa. He became obsessed with cannibalism and ultimately tried it himself. He described it thusly:

It was like good, fully developed veal, not young, but not yet beef. It was very definitely like that, and it was not like any other meat I had ever tasted. It was so nearly like good, fully developed veal that I think no person with a palate of ordinary, normal sensitiveness could distinguish it from veal. It was mild, good meat with no other sharply defined or highly characteristic taste such as for instance, goat, high game, and pork have.

File Photo: William Buehler Seabrook.

I said stop it! So William Buehler Seabrook felt that humans taste more like veal then pork. Hmmm. Any butcher will tell you that, age, diet and the health of the animal are factors that could and probably would change the taste of the meat but I feel that we still must go with the opinion of the majority and the most scientific opinion. Human flesh has connective tissue that is very high in adipose or fat, similar to pork. So in conclusion, people taste like pigs.

But will you go insane if you eat them? Well this could be a misconception based on the fact that most people in western society that eat other people are deemed to be insane. And a closer examination of these people offers little to refute this belief.

I don’t know. He DOES wear a suit and tie you know.

Also there’s the common belief that if one was in a situation where one was forced to eat another human for survival that the event would be so traumatic that it would leave lasting mental scars.

Are they happy smiley or crazy smiley?

Some people believe that Bovine Spongiform or Mad Cow Disease is brought on by cows being fed other cows. This is not really so. Mad Cow disease most commonly arises from cows being given feed that contains prions, an infectious protein similar to a virus that is found in sheep and cows. So a cow being fed another cow alone would not cause Mad Cow Disease. And neither would one human eating another healthy human bring about similar such disease, at least in theory. Eating diseased or unhealthy human flesh on the other hand could be a completely different story.

Not to self: Don not eat.

So there you have it. Human flesh tastes like pork and eating it will not make you insane but you may have to be insane to eat it and/or the circumstances which lead you to eat it may make you insane. A bit of a grey area on the second part I know but let me leave you with this. There are many, many people that eat human flesh all the time and consider themselves to be quite sane. For the eating of the human placenta is becoming quit a popular thing among weird hippy types. The practice is called Placentophagy. Here’s a clip.



Eww, gross. Well I guess you’ve answered my question Magic Internet. I won’t be trying human flesh any time soon after seeing that. Instead I’ll fill up on the delicious irony of hippies being cannibals even though they were once the food of choice for Leatherface. Now Mr. Face. If it isn’t too much trouble… could we please see the dance?



Thank you.

The Last Air Bator.

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It came from Videoflicks.

Kids, gather around the monitor here for a minute. What’s that, you’ve already been here for 7 hours? Well that’s good. But put your mouses down. Or is it mice? I don’t know. Fuck! JUST GO TO BED!! No, no, come back. Uncle Johnny Creepy wants to talk to you for a second. He wants to talk to you about the olden days. You like movies don’t you Billy? Of course you do. How do you watch your movies? On your laptop, yes. On your HD TV, that’s right too Jenny. And where do you get your movies? From the computer, yes where else? From the grocery store, sad but true Dakota. Well let me tell you where Uncle Johnny got his movies from when he was a little boy. From a magical wondrous place called the video store.

Once upon a time in 1983 my parents bought a Betamax VCR . I was almost 7 years old and it looked like this.

It cost way more than it was worth. (Maybe it was the wood paneling). Back then there weren’t many video stores in Burlington. But the people at the electronics store were kind enough to rent us a movie. It was Superman.

Superman was the first movie I ever watched on a VCR and thanks to the little remote attached to a cord,

I was able to pause the movie at the exact point when baby superman lifted up the car and you could see his wang.

It was like this but full frontal with wang but you still couldn’t really see the wang because of all the squiggly lines when I paused it. Wang.

Not long after we got our Betamax a store called Videoflicks opened right up the street. This was great because the electronic store only had about 4 movies and I think one was a work out tape.



I loved the video store. I used to spend ages looking at all the boxes, trying to pick a movie. And then my dad would get angry and yell at me to, Just pick one! Then I’d pick an R rated movie and he’d tell me no and I’d have to put it back and start all over again. All those boxes on the shelf. Weird movies that I’d never seen and never heard of. Want to see some of my favorites? No? Well too bad! I’m going to show you anyway.

The Party Animal.

This was the box that they had at Videoflicks. That’s Timothy Carhart shrunk down on a leash tied to a woman’s leg partying. Here’s another good box for it.

Bonus: Real naked boob on the back!

I always wanted to see this movie and my parents would never let me rent it. They said it was too mature for me. Turns out they were wrong.



Ok, they were right.



Bustin’ Loose

I liked this box because it had guys wearing masks. When I was a kid I’d watch anything if there were guys in masks in it. My parents wouldn’t let me rent this one either. But once my dad got so tired of waiting for me to pick a movie he just grabbed Brewster’s Millions off the shelf and said, You’re watching this. Let’s go! It was an ok movie, considering it didn’t have any guys in masks in it.



Ghoulies

He’s coming out of the toilet! What’s not to like. That there is comedic gold when you’re 8 years old. The toilet! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Deathstalker

I totally rented this based on the box. I wanted to see that big ogre guy. As it turned out he sucked.



In fact the whole movie sucked. Except for the part where the wizard guy turns a dude into a chick.



Chopping Mall

Not only does this movie have a great name but it’s also got a shopping bag full of body parts on the front. This is also a very good example of how the box art never matches the movie. The robots in the movie never had hands like that.



See. Totally different hands. I can’t remember why she wasn’t wearing pants but that’s what you get when you give mall security robots lasers.

Up the Creek

For some reason I was allowed to rent this. (I think I finally broke my dad.)And it was awesome! Up the Creek has got boobs and exploding toilets, Chuck the Wonder Dog and snooty, preppy ivy league jerk-offs. I’ve been trying forever to get it on DVD but I can’t seem to find it. I think it’s because they can’t get the rights to all the music that’s in it. If that’s the case, screw you Cheap Trick!



Ishtar

I used to look at this box for this movie at Bandito video on Fairview all the time. I never wanted to rent it but people said it was the worst movie ever made and for some reason that intrigued me.

Frankenhooker

This box I saw in Jumbo Video when I was a little older. Jumbo video was great. Their horror section was set up like a dungeon and they gave out free popcorn! The other Jumbo video over on Brant St. also had one of those porn sections with the saloon doors. Frankenhooker is one of the greatest movies ever made. It’s about a scientist who accidently cuts his wife’s head off so he decides to make her a new body. He invents super crack and gives to hookers. It’s so powerful that when they smoke it, the hookers explode. The scientist then collects all the best hooker parts to make his wife’s body out of. But when he brings her to life she becomes Frankenhooker and when she has sex with a guy, the guy explodes. Check out the quote from Bill Murry on the box: If you see one movie this year it should be Frankenhooker.



Well, I’m kind of tired now. I think I’m going to lay down and dream of Videoflicks, Bandito video and Jumbo video. Hey, did I ever tell you the story about the Zeedonk at the Appleby mall? They had this petting zoo that came once a year to the Appleby mall and one year they had a zeedonk (part zebra part donkey). Well the zeedonk kept biting kids so they had to take him out of the petting zoo. I guess they didn’t have anywhere else to put him so the put him in the abandoned Jumbo Video store. So you’d be walking past and you’d look in and there were all these racks of old video tapes and then a pile of hay and a zeedonk standing there. It was awesome. Now got to bed!

Hee Haw Go to bed! Hee Haw Go to bed! Hee Haw!