Hi, I’m Jerry O’Connell.

But you all know me as the fat kid from Stand By Me.

No not the pie barfing one. The other one.

That’s the one. That chubby bugger is me.

 As the fat kid from Stand By Me Johnny Creepshow has asked me to come on here today and relay an important message to my fellow Americans. It would appear that we’re becoming quite the pants loads.

For those of you with digits to lard laden to click on the link or for those of you that can’t stop picturing the McRib long enough to read the article, allow me to give you the gist of it. This month a study was released highlighting America’s downward spiral into obesity in the past 20 years. In 1991 there was not a single state with an obesity rate over 20%. Now more than two-thirds of our united states are at rates above 25 percent. In a chocolate covered deep fried nutshell America is just getting fatter and fatter.

It no doubt cost several million dollars for a team of scientists to bring you this information.

Even though this team could have told you for minimum wage and a promise not to be scheduled this Saturday.

Now you can point your dialing wand at all sorts of reasons for this unprecedented blimp-out. Big business’ control over the country’s food sources, the lack of nutritional standards in school cafeterias, the existence of fried cola. I’m no dietitian or socio-economical expert; I’m the fat kid from Stand By Me. So I’m not going to get into it. Besides, I’m too busy being amused by the fact that a large percentage of my countrymen now resemble what was once a sideshow attraction.

This is Chauncey Morlan. 100 years ago he was considered so fat that people would pay money just to look at him.

Here’s a collection of pictures taken from the first page of a Google Image search for typical American:

Wow! Don’t go asking Madam Ruby to rub her crystal ball and send you into the future Chauncy. You’ll be out of a job.

Actually that’s not true. You can still be a cop.

But here’s what really worries me about America. If these rates continue to rise, we are in serious danger of becoming uncool. There was a time when America set the standard for cool. Remember these guys?

But how is America going to remain cool when we’re all fat? The fat kid is never cool. That’s one thing a lifetime of appearing in bad movies and sitcoms has taught me. Sure you might get to make out with the occasional hot drunk chick in the end or smirk at Chad the bully when he crashes his hot rod or falls in the mud but cool? No. No way. Vern Tessio was never cool. You don’t even know who that is do you? That was the name of the fat kid from Stand By Me!

See. Not cool.

But worry not my beefy patriots. The unfathomable wealth I obtained from playing coked up cans hound Joe Francis Derrick Jones in Piranha 3D last year has given me a lot of free time. And I decided to spend some of it researching ways in which fat Americans can still be cool.

Become a chef.

In the world of culinary arts fat equals experience. People look at a fat chef and think Hmm, he must know what he’s doing. Look at the size of him. Get yourself some funky glasses and a few tattoos and you could be the next Graham Elliot.

Become a Gangster Rapper.



Some of the coolest guys in the rap business are also the fattest.

There’s Big Pun.

Fat Joe.

Notorious B.I.G.

And let’s not forget Heavy D.

And the best part about being a fat rapper is that you don’t even have to worry about the long term effects of your obesity because you’re probably just going to get shotanyways. So all you need to do is brush up on your rhymes, choose a name that lets people no your fat and hit the buffet.



Become a wrestler.

In the world of professional wrestling there are two types of wrestler. Big oiled up muscle hunks.

And human oddities.

(Try to guess which is which.)

And you don’t even have to be that freaky to be a wrestler. Hell the Earthquake was just a fat guy in a unitard.

All you really need is a gimmick. And it doesn’t even need to be a clever gimmick. Jake the Snake Roberts just had a snake.

Oh and you ladies out there, don’t think you can’t get in on this too. Women in wrestling are becoming more and more popular. Just choose a persona and get to body slamming. Here I’ll even help you out. From the deepest dankest shag carpeted trailer in Florida comes…

TheMiss Real America!

Her finishing move could be to pick up her scrawny, emasculated husband/manger and hit her opponent with him. Or better yet she could use one of her kids.

Become a biker.

Bikers have always been synonymous with cool. Think Sonny Barger or Dennis Hopper in Easy Rider.

And one of the best parts about being a biker is that you’re an outlaw, a social misfit. That’s right, you can be as hairy or as dirty or, yes, even as fat as you like.

Try telling these guys to do the truffle shuffle.

And before McDonald’s insured America that a 1,000 calorie lunch is only a short breathless shuffle in any direction to the nearest corner the only way to truly top up your grease traps was to hit the open road.

You could be sitting in a McDinning room right now. Leaning over a 20 piece nuggets and hoping that the aroma of sweet and sour sauce can overpower the acrid stench of pee wafting from the play room ball pitlong enough for you to choke them down. Or you could be out on the open road, perched atop a Harley.Your old lady wraps her arms around your biker gut and squeezes tight and you belch and re-chew a mouthful of chili and heavenly hot dog meat.

Now that’s America.

Oops, you caught me doing a little research for Stand By Me 2.

Well that’s ok. I’m not ashamed of being known as the fat kid from Stand By Me. At least it keeps people from remembering My Secret Identity.





Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0047

You know what I watched last week? That’s right Arthur!




Even though Liza Minnelli makes me actuallY shudder, I’ve always loved that movie.

See-through patio pants!! Double shudder and a puke swallow!

I even named my first car Dudley after Dudley Moore. I think it befit the regality of the 1984 Chrysler E Class.



Bonus: Ricardo Monte Balm. Double Bonus: That amazing Chrysler Bat Cave set!

One thing I’d forgotten about Arthur having not seen it in a while was how funny John Gielgud was as Hobson the Butler.

In fact Joseph Marcell’s Geoffrey the butler on Fresh Prince of Bel Air is just a rip off of Arthur’s Hobson.

Nope, Geoffrey it’s true. But I’ll tell you one thing I do think is a lie. Will Smith being from the ghetto. Aren’t people from the streets supposed to look like scary bad asses that you wouldn’t fuck with?

Does this fit that picture?

Fuck, even Weird Al looks tougher.

Now some tough ghetto rap dudes did wear some weird shit back in the day. Something tells me that if you messed with Grand Master Flash and the Furious Five you’d be in for the biggest purple gloved, gold ladies trench coated, yellow leather fringed, Bud Light cycling, pith helmeted, yellow vinyl y-fronted, white cowboy booted ass kicking of your life that would leave you bloodied and laying on a pile of their expensive furs.

And to tell you the truth Will can look pretty tough sometimes.

In a gay guy dreaming about 50 Cent kind of way.

So what say you Magic Internet? Is Will Smith really from the streets? Or was that just made up to sell him to us honkies like Sinbad?

What up dog! I was in the math club and the marching band.

Question 47: Is Will Smith actually from the ghetto?

Princess and the Homeboy- G-Dog - watch more funny videos

Magic Internet Answer: In order to ascertain wither or not William Smith lived or was raised in the ghetto we must define exactly what this term means. The ghetto is a section of a city occupied by a group do to social, economical or legal pressure or an overpopulated urban area often associated with a certain ethnic or racial population. Mr. Smith was born in West Philadelphia but was raised in German town. Germantown is an area in the North West of Philadelphia about 8 miles from the city centre.

Oops, wrong rapper sign.

Germantown is a predominantly black neighborhood and is a considered to be a somewhat impoverished area with about 25% of its population earning an income below the poverty line. That being said Mr. Smith’s parents both had good jobs. His father Willard was a refrigeration engineer and his mother a school administrator. William Smith may have lived in a somewhat impoverished area but he did not come from an impoverished family. That being said, due to its social-economical characteristics and it’s close proximity to the 8th worst drug corner in America (52nd St. and Market St.) I think we can say that yes, Will Smith does indeed come from the ghetto.

Mmmmmhmmmmmm!

Well I stand corrected. Good for you Will. You went from the ghetto to Hollywood. You’re the real life Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Never mind my E-Class. I bet you drive around in Chrysler Lebaron you lucky son of a bitch!

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0046.

How do you feel about cops? I know this guy that hates cops. But the funny thing is he has no real reason to. He thinks they’re all corrupt and abuse their power and just hassle people instead of doing their job. But as far as I can tell he’s never been arrested or even really been hassled by the police. Now I can understand hating cops if you’re a criminal or some sort of reprobate. I mean there you are doing your thing, you know breaking into someone’s house or hiding in the waste vault of a women's toilet and next thing you know these guys show up with guns and badges and they man handle you and call you a scum bag and take you away to jail. That probably sucks.

See I bet that guy with the glasses hates that cop.

I can even understand not liking cops if you get hassled by them a lot.

Something tells me he has this problem from time to time.

Even growing up in Burlington I had my brushes with the law. Back then it all stemmed from boredom. Dumb kids are bored enough to do something stupid one night and they get caught. Or bored cops decide to see what these dumb kids are up to even though they’re doing nothing wrong. Here in the city it’s a bit more complicated than that. There’s a lot more crime and a lot more criminals and there’s a lot of different neighborhoods that each have their own problems and views on how the police handle them. Does racial profiling exist? Of course it does. Are there corrupt cops? I’m sure there is. Are there cops that abuse their power? Most definitely. But I think most of the cops out there are honest guys doing their job and earning a paycheck. They’re not zooming around like Vick Mackey stuffing kilos of drug bust cocaine into anonymous duffle bags and blowing the heads off corpses to reuse them in undercover operations.

Hi I’m Corey. I’m here to pick up the body of my dead friend Corey.

Yeeeeah. About that…

I think some regular people don’t like cops because believe that cops get away with a lot because they’re cops. Because they’re part of the club and regular citizens aren’t. Maybe that’s true. Cops do seem to look out for other cops. Do you think a cop has ever given another cop a speeding ticket? And if so what are the repercussions? Does he just pay a fine? Is there further punishment because the cop is on duty? Does it cost him his badge and his gun? I’d kind of like to know that. Let’s put an APB out on the Magic Internet.

Question 46: Has a cop ever issued a speeding ticket to another cop?



Magic Internet Answer: I will happily answer this question because the truth lies in technology. There have been numerous instances in which off-duty officers have been given a citation for speeding or for not obeying traffic laws but I will assume that your question only appeals to officers on duty. Although it has occurred it is very rare for an on duty officer to give another on duty officer a citation. Police officers must work as a unit and must rely on one another in times of distress or great danger. Most police officers will agree that stability in their work environment and good relations with fellow officers far outweighs the justification of upholding the law when it comes to ticketing officers for minor infractions. But that is beginning to change thanks to this:

Short Circuit 3??!! Finally! Steve Guttenburg must be almost out of Citizens on Patrol money. Now there was a good cop.

No you idiot it’s a speeding camera. Today’s speeding cameras are automated and they do not differentiate between citizens and officers of the law. Many police officers are now being caught on camera speeding and receive a ticket in the mail. If the officer wishes to dispute the ticket he must prove that his speeding was in the line of duty and justified. Do you not just love technology Johnny?

Hmm. And I thought those speed cameras were just cash grab machines. Maybe they do serve a further purpose in uniting the police and the community together.