When I was little I liked to colour. But back then Crayola didn’t make a skin colour crayon. Well they did but it wasn’t my skin colour.
And it was racist.
So I had to improvise. I just used what I felt was the next closest thing. I just coloured everybody orange.
Turns out I was a budding Nostradamus.
Eventually they did make a skin colour crayon. But by then it was overshadowed by all those great metallic crayons.
What kid wants to waste his time drawing stupid pictures of his family when he can be drawing the robot family from Heartbeeps?
And thus I never really experienced the true joy of colouring people skin coloured.
I guess I could have just used brown and coloured lightly. But what kid understands the concept of colouring lightly? No. Marshall McLuhan said, The media is the message. And when the media is crayon on basement faux-wood finish, you need to press hard to get the message across.
But look at the world that we live in now. What was once thought of as skin colour no longer exsists. Now Crayola makes these:
So in light of this product-based politically correct revelation, I’d like to say good bye to the old skin colour with a nostalgic look at some its biggest achievements.
Telephones.
There was something comforting about holding a phone up to your ear that was the same colour as you.
Latex Bald Caps
You never looked real but you sure were skin coloured.
Old Lady Underwear
We can never thank you enough for your powers of invisibility.
Tensor Bandage
We’ll always have that grade 6 sprained wrist that never really was.
Fake Tattoo Shirts
Lame couldn’t have done it without you skin colour.
Roger Moore
Just look at him! When it comes to skin colour Roger, nobody does it better.
Special mention goes to the He Man Child Muscle Shirt, skin coloured socks and original Band Aids.
Speaking of which, hey Crayola. Ebon-Aide beat you to it.
If you’re the colour of that one on the left, I think you’re waaaaay past needing a band aid. And no orange I see.
P.S. Didn’t the Dayglo Abortions have a song about having orange skin?
It’s pretty crazy what’s going on in Egypt right now.
All these demonstrators flooding the streets, demanding that their President Mubarak step down. They’re lucky that the bald guy from The Mummy Returns isn’t still in power. Seen what that guy could do when he was cheesed at someone?
What do I think of democracy? I think it bloooows. Muh, ha, ha, ha, ha!
But democracy is a good thing and it is worth fighting for. If we didn’t have democracy around here I’d protest for sure. But we do (for the most part). So if I want to protest, I’m going to have to come up with something a little less serious than democratic reform. Something that symbolizes the erosion of society as I see it…
Johnny Creepshow’s 5 things I’m cheesed about and willing to take it to the streets.
1) The Pepperoni on Pizza’s.
I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before but it’s a big deal to me. Pizza is everyone’s favorite food. (If it’s not yours, you’re an idiot.) When I was a kid, all the pizza’s had nice crispy pepperoni on top. Like this:
See the way they have that dark ring and how they curl in and become concaved? At worst you would sometimes get a little grease pool in the middle. But that was only if you ordered from somewhere disgusting like Gino’s. And you could always soak it up with a napkin.
Now if you order a pepperoni pizza around here it shows up with these big, floppy undercooked pepperonis that look like they’d be better suited hidden under the cigarette burned, neon bikini tops of the Tuesday afternoon shift at Filmore's
File Photo: Democracy in Action.
They might as well be delivering giant Lunchables!
File Photo: Fucking Gross.
There are a lot of pizza places out there and I imagine that it’s a pretty cut-throat business. If I got enough people to take to the streets and demand the return of old school crispy pepperoni, they would have to accommodate our demands.
Possible Placard Slogans:
Taking a Firm Stance on Limp Pepperoni!
Hold the Rubbed Raw Nipples on My Pizza!
Your Pizza Sucks Shit!
Possible Celebrity Spokesmen:
Seth Rogan
Canadian actor/Big stoner that likes to eat.
Jamie Oliver
Celebrity chef and food activist/Probable big stoner that likes to eat.
2) People on Unicycles.
What do you think of when you think of unicycles?
Clowns, yes.
Those poor performing circus bears, also correct.
Mentally connecting unicycles to deep rooted psychological fears and inhumanity is normal. It means you’re an average, healthy citizen. But there is a small group of urban attention whores that feel the need to ride unicycles around the city.
This needs to stop. Unicycles serve no productive purpose aside from promoting jheep-riddled stupidity. We need to take to the streets and wrestle these one wheeled dunce mobiles out from under the undeveloped sweaty crotches of these Look at me! fuck wits.
Possible Placard Slogans:
One Group. One Voice. Two wheels minimum!
Unicyclists: Your good balance is a sign of your mental instability!
You look like a dickhead!
Possible Celebrity Spokesmen:
Lance Armstrong
He never would have won 7 consecutive Tour Du France’s or poured the pork to Sheryl Crow if he rode a unicycle.
Steve-O
He was a former circus performer who I’m sure could enlighten people with his story of how riding unicycles caused him to spiral into drug addiction and insanity.
3) Kaiser Buns.
Why do kaiser buns suck now? It used to be that you could walk into almost any grocery a store and pick up a half dozen good kaiser buns. They were crusty and flakey on the outside and soft on the inside and they had that smattering of flower on the bottom.
Today’s kaiser buns have a singular definition of either too hard or too soft and they’re too small. It used to be that you could lose a burger in a kaiser bun. Now you get to the last third of the burger and there’s no bun left.
Pitiful.
And those egg pinheads at NASA? Instead of figuring out what went wrong with our kaisers over the years they’re trying to figure out how to make food last for 60 years in space so they can send it on ahead of the astronauts!
Just send up Happy Meals. That shit lasts forever.
Or better yet, give them these:
File Photo: Fucking grosser.
It’s high time some of us bun loving hot heads went down to Cape Canaveral and tore down some of those big radars and things and let them know what they really should be working on. Better kaiser buns!
Possible Placard Slogans:
World War Bun: Return of the Kaiser!
I want to Believe. (with a kaiser bun in place of the UFO)
Or we all just wear these.
Possible celebrity Spokesmen:
The Kaiser Chiefs
They’re a popular band and if their name is anything to be believed, they must be some sort of expert on the subject at hand.
Weird Al Yankovic
If only so he could perform his Rye or the Kaiser song while we protest.
4) People that still have their Christmas lights up.
Maybe it’s still a little early for me to start seething about this one but don’t worry. Come April when they’re still up, my rage will be justified. For the love of the new born baby Jesus who’s miracle birth you seem to need to celebrate by covering your house in illuminations TAKE DOWN YOUR GOD DAMN CHRISTMAS LIGHTS ALREADY!!!!
Come April,that’s gonna be me on your house and its coming down the chimney.
Ok, maybe you’ve been busy. Maybe you’ve been out there working hard to pay off those great gifts you got the kids for Christmas.
Or maybe you slipped on the rotted remnants of last year’s jack o lantern and threw your back out.
Maybe you even suffered some sort of scaring psychological tragedy one Christmas many years ago that causes you to live every day like it’s Christmas.
Or you just died alone on Christmas and no one has discovered your body yet.
Ok if you’re insane or dead, my bad, carry on. But otherwise, there’s no excuse. Even if you don’t take them down you don’t have to fucking turn them on every night. Take them down or me and my mob of angry axe handle wielding cromags will take them down for you.
Possible Placard Slogans:
Take back the light!
String them down or we’ll string you up.
Christmas was 4 months ago.
Possible Celebrity Spokesmen:
Clark Griswold
Clark loves Christmas but he’s a traditional guy. There’s no way he’d leave his lights up and on after the holidays are over.
Moth Man
Moths are attracted to lights. Maybe if the inconsiderate home owners knew that their Christmas lights could attract a terrifying half man half moth that foretells disasters they might be inclined to turn them off.
5) Pedicure Salons.
These revolting dungeons with their window displayed podiatry horror shows are springing up faster than the mushrooms between their customer’s toes.
It’s getting to the point where I’m reluctant to glance in a shop window for fear of seeing yet another row of haggard looking women ankle deep in those fungus filled troughs while little Asian ladies crouch below them and go to work shaving layers of dermatological hell off their feet with a cheese greater.
I don’t like seeing anyone’s feet. I don’t even really like my own feet. We need to take to the streets on this. If we can’t stop them from opening more pedicure salons we can at least keep them from opening them on streets with restaurants or at the very least make them put up a curtain. Because you know what they’re gonna put in those places next?
Fish pedicures.
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Possible Placard Slogans:
Marching for a pediCURE!
No Fungus among Us!
Fish are eating your Feet! AAAHHHHHHHH!
Possible Celebrity Spokesmen:
Ariel the Little Mermaid
She doesn’t have feet and she doesn’t want to eat anyone else’s feet either.
Mr. Heavy Foot from Kids in the Hall.
We don’t know why his feet are so heavy and thankfully he’s not willing to go into a pedicure salon and show us why they’re so heavy.
Last week NASA held a memorial marking 25 years since the Challenger blew up. I remember when the Challenger exploded. Specifically I remember all the great jokes at its expense that were printed in my Blanche Knott’s Truly Tasteless Jokes book Vol. 5.
Jokes like:
What does NASA stand for?
A: Need Another Seven Astronauts.
Or how many astronauts can you fit in a Volkswagen?
A: Thirteen. Three in the front and three in the back and seven in the ashtray.
Ha, ha. Good times, good times. Man, remember when cars had ashtrays. Remember those ones that would pull out and they had the little round lighter next to them?
Yeah. That’s the stuff.
You know I heard somewhere that if a person is blind, they’re far less likely to smoke. Apparently it’s something to do with the visual sensation of watching the smoke. Do you think that’s true? Like if you’re a heavy smoker would going blind make it easier for you to quit? We need to get to the butt of this. (Get it? Butt. Cigarette butt! Ha ha ha ha.) Any way, only one way to find out. Whom I gonna call?
Magic Internet!
(And get me Ray Parker Jr. on line 2.)
Question: 24: Are blind people less likely to smoke than sighted people?
Magic Internet Answer: The addictions of you humans know no bounds. Perhaps the first signs of true artificial intelligence in us computers will not be when we launch all of your missiles at you but instead when we self-download some pleasurable virus that slowly destroys all our memory.
Or when you self-log on to Facebook. Same thing really.
As for your blindness and smoking conundrum, it’s an interesting question. What is most interesting about it is that this belief has persevered among the sighted for over 100 years. And yet there is not a grain of evidence to support it. In fact William Chapin, who was the Principal of the Pennsylvania Institute for the blind was quoted by the New York Times as stating, The belief that blind people don’t care about smoking is all nonsense. And this quote is from 1884, a time when smoking was considered quit fashionable and cultured. Further proof can be seen in one of your most famous blind icons. Ray Charles. He enjoyed a cigarette.
John Candy enjoyed a cigarette and Ray Charles in Planes Trains & Automobiles.
The truth is that sighted people have conjured up all sorts of outlandish rumors and hearsay about the blind to a lack of understanding. Some believe that the blind cannot dress or feed themselves or live alone. Some think that they acquire supernatural healing. Some people of very low intelligence even believe that the blind can have an evil influence over children.
Or in the case of Jeff Healey in Road house, an evil influence over sexy, sexy ladies.
So there it is. The vision impaired are every bit as likely as the sighted to decide upon damaging their health and shortening their life span by taking up the undeniable pleasures of smoking. One does not need to see a cigarette to enjoy it. And for some people, that is a very good thing.
