I've got it all figured out.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Billy, I think it’s time we had a talk about the Berts & the Ernies.

So people want Burt and Ernie to get married.

Now usually I would be against this. Bert and Ernie don’t need a piece of paper from the man to tell them they’re in love. Everyone just has gay wedding fever right now. Apart from the monetary benefits I don’t understand why any gay person would want to get married. Bert and Ernie don’t have to pay rent or taxes. They’re puppets that live on a make believe street for Christ’s sake! And trust me, you don’t want them to be real.

But I think that having Bert and Ernie get married could be an excellent way to explain the concept of same sex couples to children. Because despite wither you think it’s right or wrong, it’s still awkward to explain. Just like telling kids about the birds and the bees or why Aunt Heather paints all those strange pictures of Data and keeps them under her bed.

So what would Bert and Ernie’s wedding be like?

The Bachelor Party:

In traditional weddings the groom has a bachelor or stag party and the bride has a shower or doe party. The Bachelor party is usually wild and crazy and involves booze, cigars, strippers and possibly going to Vegas. The bridal shower is usually very boring and involves wine or tea, little sandwiches, presents and that classical music that signifies rich people in movies. There might be a stripper that comes to the door dressed as a cop or if the bride is Debbie Thompson there might even be this:

So what do Bert and Ernie do with the final days of freedom? Well they can both go see a stripper.

And then things will really start getting crazy.

The Wedding Party:

Since there are 2 grooms, there should be 2 best men. We’ll go with Grover for Ernie.

Someone make sure he takes a bath before the wedding.

And Oscar the Grouch for Bert.

We’ll never get the stink out of him. Just paint a tuxedo on his trash can or something.

The jury is still out on Big Bird’s gender, so he/she/it can give them both away.

Count Von Count and Snuffleupagus will make good ushers. Count can make sure all the guests are there.

One pigeon! Two Pigeons!! Three Pigeons!!! God, Bert has no friends.

And Snuffleupagus is big and will be good at keeping out undesirables.

Someone give this picture to Snuffleupagus.

The Ceremony:

The ceremony will be held in the fake park in the middle of Sesame Street.

Ernie wanted somewhere romantic and Bert wanted somewhere cheap so it’s perfect.

We’ll let Don Music play the wedding march.

On second thought someone see if Rolf is available.

I play a mean piano and I eat my own poop.

 And the ceremony its self will be performed by none other than Guy Smiley.

Guy Smiley is an ordained minister with the Church of Satan, little known fact.

The Reception:

The reception party will also be held on Sesame Street.

These Muppets haven’t left the place in over 40 years. Why start now?

Catering will be provided by Mr. Hooper’s store and skillfully prepared by a master chef.

There’ll be a good band.

Grover will own the dance floor.

No one will do the Birdy dance because it offends Big Bird but you better believe Bert will break out the Pigeon.

And when it’s all over we’ll get Beauregard the Janitor and Bruno the Trash Man to clean up.

Boy, they sure drank a lot of apple martinis.

Tell me about it. For a second I thought Oscar had melted but this trash can is just full of puke.

The Honeymoon:

Nothing too fancy, they’ve been together for 42 years after all, perhaps a trip to France so Ernie can see the world’s largest rubber duckie.

And in the evening they’ll both have something special to wear for each other.

You try explaining lingerie to two 40 year old puppets with the mental capacity of 8 year olds.

Then it's time for the consummation.

The Divorce:

If Bert and Ernie are going to explain how gays can married like everybody else they might as well also explain how gays can get divorced like everybody else. The relationship begins to sour. Pigeon sales are down these days as most people these days view them as filthy winged rats.

Bert turns to drugs.

Why are you still up Bert? What dancing breakfast?

And starts taking it out on Ernie.

R is for retard Ernie. That’s you!

And before you know it, the marriage is over. Ernie moves out and gets into the bear scene.

And Bert meets someone new in rehab.

They eventually learn to be friends again but it’s never like it once was… you know what? Screw that. Don’t get married Bert and Ernie. Just stay the way you are forever.

P.S. Cookie Monster


Anonymous said...

dont know why you have to be a hater asshole!!

Johnny said...

What exactly am I hating here? Use your words!