I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 37

You know what one of my favorite commercials is? This Delissio Pizza vampire goth ad:

Ah ha ha ha ha! Isn’t it awesome? I would love to have been a fly on the wall when they came up with that one.

Ad Man 1: You know my daughter Christine has got a boyfriend. He’s one of these Goth types. He looks like a god damn vampire!

Ad Man 2: Oh I know. My son Brian, he listens to that Marylyn Manson. Have you seen this guy?! He looks like he just stepped off the set of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I told him listening to that crap would turn him queer.

Ad Man1: I bet he didn’t like that.

Ad Man 2: Not one bit. He told me to Shut Up! And then he started crying. Kids today, huh? Anyway, back to this pizza thing.
The best part is that the ad only came out like last year! Who’s still doing goth commercials? At least the Kia ad was somewhat in keeping with times. That Delissio commercial is the advertizing equivalent of a Christmas gift from an elderly aunt.

I know you like the Turtles so I knew you’d like it.

Yep, all you teens that are into Vampires right now, expect a bunch of Twilight crap for your 25th birthday. And you know what? You all deserve it because I’m sick of you and all your vampire crap. When I was a kid I was into Dracula. But being into Dracula only ment that sometimes I’d put on a cape and those plastic teeth and run around the house going, Bluh, bluh, bluh! These modern Dracula kids are taking it wayyy to seriously. They’re getting fang tooth caps, they’re biting each other, they’re even wearing perfume that smells like human blood!

I got news for you kids. Vampires aren’t real and you’re not vampires. But if vampires were real, I’d have a few burning questions for them. I kind of get the whole concept of how vampires work. They’re basically dead and have no blood of their own pumping through their veins so they have to suck it out of other people yes? And the whole process of sucking blood seems to have this erotic overtone to it. That makes sense too. Activities that sustain you should feel good. Like eating hot dogs or when you take a big wizz and go, Ahhhhh. Plus making blood sucking sexy will help the vampire lure victims into a false sense of security. Maybe it just seems sexy to the victim and Dracula is just putting on an act so he can get his lunch. Although some people do like to combine eating and sex.

Those people frighten me.

But can Dracula even get a boner? It seems to me that someone who has to suck blood out of people isn’t going to have a lot to waste on growing a chubby. And speaking of extra blood, I’d also like to know if Dracula takes a wiz too. You all know what’s coming next.

Question 37: Can Dracula pop a boner and can he take a leak?

Magic Internet Answer: I cannot believe I am entertaining the notion of answering one of these asinine questions let alone two. However I will answer both only because each one is so stupid that it barely registers as a whole thought to me. So let us get on with it. As I have done many times before when answering your questions I will ignore the obvious flaws and we will pretend that vampires exist. That being said let us examine just how a vampire functions.

Blood goes in here.

A vampire is a demon that posses a human corpse. It feasts on blood to sustain the undead flesh of the host corpse and help to heal injuries to it but the blood does not circulate they way it does in a human. There is however a venom like fluid that flows through their bodies and acts in many ways like blood in a human, lubricant between cells and helping the body move. It is plausible that this fluid could fill and expand cells in the same way that blood does and create an erection and there have been instances in modern vampire folklore of vampires obtaining erections and having intercourse with humans. This may be part of what makes the modern vampire lore so appealing to women. I just wonder if they realize that lusting after a vampire technically makes them necrophiliacs?

Yuck! That makes falling for a 7 foot cat man that lives in the sewer seem downright normal.

A vampire does not eat and can only take in so much blood at a time and every drop is used to sustain the host corpse. Therefore there is no waste. So a vampire does not and cannot as you so eloquently put it, Take a wizz.

So it's yes to popin' a B and no to takin' a pee.

Well there ya go Grandpa Munster. You’ve got an excuse for at least one problem.

Thanks MI!

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