I've got it all figured out.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0023.

It's been fucking freezing here lately. I know us Canadians aren't supposed to complain about the cold and that I should really be out there in a pair of cargo shorts like one of those walking, talking Molson Canadian beer commercial assholes.

You call this cold?! I grew up in... (Insert name of shitty town north of you here).

But it's been -20C the last few days! Thankfully it's warmer in the city today. (If you call -4C warm). I think I might have even seen a little steam coming off a hobo.

But now instead of worrying about this:

Why can't a guy take a nude stroll over to Starlight Video to rent Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid without freezing to death?

I now have to worry abut these:

That's right, icicles. The silent killers. You're always hearing stories about them coming loose when the weather warms up and falling on unsuspecting pedestrians. They feel a drip, look up and Shtook! Right in the eye!

Like this but cold instead of hot.

When I was a kid I always thought that an icicle would make the perfect murder weapon because it would just melt inside the victim, leaving detectives scratching their heads at the bloody pool of water beside the body. (This is why you should never let your kids read Judy Blume books.) It seems only fitting  that the icy dagger at the heart of my fiendish adolescent plotting should break free from the eaves of Penthouse Dry Cleaners and pierce my adult heart.

Like this but ice instead of wood.

It would appear that there is no way to avoid my imminent, frosty demise. Or is there? I  remember reading about a guy called Vlad Tepes or as he was better known, Vlad the Impaler. I think he was the inspiration for Dracula. (And probably a dildo.) Anyway he liked to impale people on big sticks and watch them slowly die. If I remember right, he got so good at this that he could impale someone right down the middle but miss all their vital organs so they wouldn't die right away. If this is true than maybe I could utilize Vlad's art of impalement to save my own vital organs from a falling icicle by quickly shifting my body so as to let the frozen spear pass through it with minimal damage. But is it true? Was Vlad the Impaler even real? And could he really perform a full body piercing? It's Magic Internet Time.

Question 21: What was the deal with Vlad the Impaler?

Magic Internet Answer: Vlad the Impaler or Vlad III, Prince of Wallachia was a three time Voivode of Wallachia ruling from 1456 to 1462. Wallachia is a historical and geographical part of Romania that is now known as Southern Romania. The term Voivode translates roughly to Prince, Duke, or Count. It originates from a Slavic term that denoted the principal commander of a military force.

Not to be confused with Voivod, the principal commanders of sub-par Canadian thrash metal.

Vlad was also known by his sir name Dracula which meant son of the dragon.  This was a reference to his father who had joined the Order of the Dragons. It is believed but not undoubtedly proven that Bram Stoker's Count Dracula was based on Vlad Dracula.

And by the looks of him, so was Sasha Baron Cohen's Borat. I like!

Vlad was renowned most for his resistance of the Ottoman Empire and for the cruel punishments he imposed on his enemies including impalement. Impalement was a form of torture and execution that was used all over the world and all through out history. There are records of a form or impalement that was designed to prolong suffering in the victim. It involved a blunt stake being forced up through the perineum. (Or what modern dudes refer to as the taint.)

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The stake had to be blunt so that it could push aside the internal organs instead of piercing them. The stake would eventually protrude through the upper sternum and rest under the chin. This would prevent the victim from sliding down the stake when it was hoisted aloft.

Hey, this impaler cheated and gave him a little seat. Woo look, doggies!

Vlad the Impaler hoisted many victims aloft of stakes. Thousands in fact. He would line the roads leading to his kingdom with them as a way to ward off approaching enemies. He also liked to arrange them in geometric patterns and he even created a virtual forest of impaled victims. According to these ancient woodblock prints he also liked to eat amongst his implements.

It's still nicer than Boston Pizza.

But these prints also offer important insight into Vlad's impalement methods. As you can see all of his victims were impaled through either the frontal or dorsal aspect. None are impaled vertically.This means that Vlad did not practice a form of impalement that prolonged the life (and suffering) of his victims. So it would seem that you can not turn to Vlad Tepes for tips on how to lessen the damage a falling icicle will do to your body. I would also like to add that most icicles are fairly sharp and would likely pierce your organs, not push them aside. Furthermore the icicle would have to enter your body from below through the for mentioned taint. So unless you are walking on your hands I think it would be better to try and avoid falling icicles altogether instead of attempting to contort your body into the shape of an ancient torture victim or modern day death metal album cover.

Thanks Magic Internet. I don't know what I was thinking when I came up with this one. But I know what I'm thinking now...

I could really go for a Pogo.

Smell ya later.

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