I've got it all figured out.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Billy, I think it’s time we had a talk about the Berts & the Ernies.

So people want Burt and Ernie to get married.

Now usually I would be against this. Bert and Ernie don’t need a piece of paper from the man to tell them they’re in love. Everyone just has gay wedding fever right now. Apart from the monetary benefits I don’t understand why any gay person would want to get married. Bert and Ernie don’t have to pay rent or taxes. They’re puppets that live on a make believe street for Christ’s sake! And trust me, you don’t want them to be real.

But I think that having Bert and Ernie get married could be an excellent way to explain the concept of same sex couples to children. Because despite wither you think it’s right or wrong, it’s still awkward to explain. Just like telling kids about the birds and the bees or why Aunt Heather paints all those strange pictures of Data and keeps them under her bed.

So what would Bert and Ernie’s wedding be like?

The Bachelor Party:

In traditional weddings the groom has a bachelor or stag party and the bride has a shower or doe party. The Bachelor party is usually wild and crazy and involves booze, cigars, strippers and possibly going to Vegas. The bridal shower is usually very boring and involves wine or tea, little sandwiches, presents and that classical music that signifies rich people in movies. There might be a stripper that comes to the door dressed as a cop or if the bride is Debbie Thompson there might even be this:

So what do Bert and Ernie do with the final days of freedom? Well they can both go see a stripper.

And then things will really start getting crazy.

The Wedding Party:

Since there are 2 grooms, there should be 2 best men. We’ll go with Grover for Ernie.

Someone make sure he takes a bath before the wedding.

And Oscar the Grouch for Bert.

We’ll never get the stink out of him. Just paint a tuxedo on his trash can or something.

The jury is still out on Big Bird’s gender, so he/she/it can give them both away.

Count Von Count and Snuffleupagus will make good ushers. Count can make sure all the guests are there.

One pigeon! Two Pigeons!! Three Pigeons!!! God, Bert has no friends.

And Snuffleupagus is big and will be good at keeping out undesirables.

Someone give this picture to Snuffleupagus.

The Ceremony:

The ceremony will be held in the fake park in the middle of Sesame Street.

Ernie wanted somewhere romantic and Bert wanted somewhere cheap so it’s perfect.

We’ll let Don Music play the wedding march.

On second thought someone see if Rolf is available.

I play a mean piano and I eat my own poop.

 And the ceremony its self will be performed by none other than Guy Smiley.

Guy Smiley is an ordained minister with the Church of Satan, little known fact.

The Reception:

The reception party will also be held on Sesame Street.

These Muppets haven’t left the place in over 40 years. Why start now?

Catering will be provided by Mr. Hooper’s store and skillfully prepared by a master chef.

There’ll be a good band.

Grover will own the dance floor.

No one will do the Birdy dance because it offends Big Bird but you better believe Bert will break out the Pigeon.

And when it’s all over we’ll get Beauregard the Janitor and Bruno the Trash Man to clean up.

Boy, they sure drank a lot of apple martinis.

Tell me about it. For a second I thought Oscar had melted but this trash can is just full of puke.

The Honeymoon:

Nothing too fancy, they’ve been together for 42 years after all, perhaps a trip to France so Ernie can see the world’s largest rubber duckie.

And in the evening they’ll both have something special to wear for each other.

You try explaining lingerie to two 40 year old puppets with the mental capacity of 8 year olds.

Then it's time for the consummation.

The Divorce:

If Bert and Ernie are going to explain how gays can married like everybody else they might as well also explain how gays can get divorced like everybody else. The relationship begins to sour. Pigeon sales are down these days as most people these days view them as filthy winged rats.

Bert turns to drugs.

Why are you still up Bert? What dancing breakfast?

And starts taking it out on Ernie.

R is for retard Ernie. That’s you!

And before you know it, the marriage is over. Ernie moves out and gets into the bear scene.

And Bert meets someone new in rehab.

They eventually learn to be friends again but it’s never like it once was… you know what? Screw that. Don’t get married Bert and Ernie. Just stay the way you are forever.

P.S. Cookie Monster

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0051.

Dear DVD Collection,

Over the years I have watched you grow from a single copy of Detroit Rock City to a vast sprawling library of equally terrible films and television shows. We have become close over this time and many of you I will keep and cherish forever. But for some of you the time has come for us to part ways.

Unopened copy of War of the Worlds...
it’s not your fault. I love your story I just hate Tom Cruise.

Unopened copy of the Brothers Grimm.

There’s a special place in hell for you and you better hope that Jacob and Wilhelm aren’t already there waiting.

Black Cobra 2
You came from a box of DVDs that literally fell off the back of a truck. I will never see Black Cobra 1 or 3 so you should feel proud that I watched you at all.

Don’t think of it as me getting rid of you. Think of it as me releasing you back into the wild. You’ll be with your own kind. On the dusty shelves of Game Shack or Game Centre where you will be handled briefly buy numerous browsers. Maybe some twisted soul will deem you worthy of purchase. Maybe you’ll be sent overseas and used as crude building material for huts in Africa. Most likely you will wind up filling the cracks of a landfill diaper pile. But know this, the sacrifice of you and your brothers allowed me to obtain Beverly Hills 90210 Season 1 Box Set used.

Whenever Dylan appears accompanied by electric guitar, whenever Brandon is awoken with perfect hair by his pants-less sister climbing onto his bed, whenever David Silver finds an opportunity to showcase his proficiency at doing the running man, I will think of you bad DVDs.

Yours truly,

Johnny Creepshow.

Sorry folks. I just had to get that off my chest. But it’s true. Since I’m moving at the end of the month I weeded out some of my more terrible (not in a good way) DVDs and traded them for a 90210 box set. Re-watching the (30something) year old kids from Beverly Hills again is both sad and hilarious. I watched an episode the other night called One Man and a Baby (way to phone it in writers) that was about Brandon briefly dating a girl with a baby and coming to the conclusion that, This baby raising stuff isn’t that hard after all. It had an equally retarded subplot that involved Brenda and Kelly winning skydiving lessons off the radio. They both lust after their instructor who’s played by Paul Satterfield.

A coup for the 90210 casting agents back in 1990 as Paul was surely still riding high on the success of his 1989 film Arena.

I think instructor Paul wound up dressing the two of them in some left over Arena costumes for the final skydiving scene too.

But watching Kelly and Brenda dressed like aerodynamic raisins horning over who was going to be strapped to sexy Paul Satterfield got me thinking. Do you think anyone has ever done it in midair while skydiving? People are always talking about the mile high club and people that skydive have done a whole lot of other stupid crap while in midair.

So why not try bumping uglies? Do you think it’s happened? Do yeah? Do yeah?! Let’s find out.

Question 51: Has anyone had sex while skydiving?

Magic Internet Answer: There is no record of anyone performing sexual intercourse while in freefall. Naked skydiving has gained enough popularity to garner an official club.

But there are no recorded instances of naked skydivers copulating and it is highly unlikely that any have. Even at full altitude skydivers only have 45-60 seconds of free fall time before they must track away and deploy their chutes. Given the amount of time it would take to merely get into position it is doubtful that anyone could perform a sexual act that quickly.

I bet old 2 pumps and a puff Hugh Heffner could manage it. (That’s right I said puff. It comes out in powdered form these days.)

Yes, well even if the aged lothario you speak of could indeed manage engage in sex while in freefall it would be very dangerous as he could run the risk of accidently pulling a handle resulting in a premature chute deployment.

Too easy.

So it would seem that the closest one is going to get to experiencing sexual intercourse while skydiving is to view a rerun of the horrible, horrible television show Manswers.

Oh well. Sorry skyding sexy sax guy...

You’re out of a job.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Ask the Magic internet a Stupid Question No. 0050.

Growing up I was always fascinated by trains but not in the way you think. I wasn’t one of those kids that went around in stripy over-alls and conductor hat talking about how I was going to be a train conductor one day.

Listen Casey Jr. Real train conductors don’t even dress like that. You need to get yourself a short sleeved dress shirt and a clip on tie and a water bottle full of Prince Igor.

I may have had a train set at one point but I was never one of those model railroad enthusiasts.

You know what’s worse than being on a train that’s delayed due to construction? Spending all your free time setting up a tiny plastic work crew to delay a tiny plastic train full of nobody going nowhere.

And speaking of train nerds, I also was never a train spotter.

I think I just spotted a CSXT 4617 pulling three cars of utter loneliness.

I was just a kid that grew up near a set of railway tracks. Despite all those film strips and safety videos they showed us at school most kids played on or near the railroad tracks back then. In fact one of the main reasons we used to walk along the tracks was to look for those explosive signals that the safety films warned us not to touch.

We had no idea these things existed until we saw those films.

I don’t remember ever actually finding any. Those safety films were so out of date that they probably stopped using them before I was born. Either that or the big kids got them first. When you’re a little kid you know that the big kids get everything first.

Screw you big kids! I’ll never get to meet Freddy Krueger or have a Walkman.

I do remember finding flattened pennies though.

Those stories your parents told you about a penny on the tracks derailing a train… lies, all vicious lies.

Sometimes we’d find flattened animals too. And sometimes we’d find just weird piles of foul smelling goo on the tracks that seemed to come from the passing trains. Some of the kids said that it came from the train’s toilet and that the trains just dumped all the pee and poo on the tracks while they were in transit. I probably believed them even though it was more likely some toxic chemical that leaked out of one of the tanker cars that would turn anyone that touched it into one giant melanoma in 10 years time.

Rocky, I want you to stay away from that Spicoli boy. He’s a bad influence on you. And what’s that on your face? Have you been playing by the railway tracks again?!

Oh well, it doesn’t matter if it’s true or not. At least the train toilet legend kept us from touching whatever it was. But recently I read something that might prove that it is true. A woman in India was on a train when she gave birth in the toilet and the baby slipped down through the toilet chute.html onto the tracks. Seeing as the Magic Internet has already given weight to Joe Dirt’s space peanut theory, I figure it’s high time we learned more about the lavatorial secretes of trains.

Question 50: Do passenger trains dump their toilet waste on the tracks while in transit?

Magic Internet Answer: There are 3 standard types of toilets in use on trains today. In most modern carriages and trains running in more wealthy and densely populated areas a chemical retention tank is used. This is similar to the types of toilets used on commercial airliners. The human waste is stored in tanks and removed at terminal stations or during long stop-overs.

Hey are you guys gonna eat that?

The major problem with chemical toilets is that they limit a carriage’s in-service time. The railway company must pull the carriage out of service to remove the waste regularly or run the risk of the toilet retention tank filling up and the toilet overflowing.
Uh oh. I ate too much.

A solution to this is the second type of toilet in use on trains, a composting toilet. This type of toilet uses bacterial actions to break down human waste before releasing it onto the tracks byway of a chlorine sanitizing tank. It still leaves waste on the tracks but is much more hygienic.

Caddyshack File Photo: World’s largest chlorine sanitizing tank.

The third and final type of train toilet is found on older carriages and trains in use in more rural parts of Europe and Asia. It is known as a hopper toilet and it disposes of waste directly onto the tracks through a drop chute or simple hole in the floor.

So to answer your question, yes some trains do still dump human waste directly onto the tracks. Most modern rail companies however are turning away from using carriages with hopper toilets do to the environmental impact of leaving untreated human waste on the ground and in some areas there are regulations forbidding it. They are still widely used in other parts of the world such as India where railway regulations are far more lax.

Thanks Magic Internet. Your scatological knowledge is vast as always. I wonder it old Doc Brown ever took a dump right into his train’s Mr. Fission to get himself back in time? If he didn’t, I bet his creepy kid did.

Smell Ya Later people.