The Winter Olympics start today. Whoopty –Doo! You know what I think about that?
That about sums it up.
I think I started hating the Olympics back in High School. I didn’t see why these athletes got all this money and support from their government and community to realize there dream. What if your dream was to become an actor or a musician or a porn star? Do you think you’d get time off school to train and government funding?
(Who would put this on their baby?)
I don’t really think that way anymore. I don’t care about the athletes or even the Olympics themselves. It’s more the people that get all into them that I can’t stand.
On the news they’re so excited you’d think Jesus was coming back with Elvis under one arm and Marilyn Munroe under the other. They’ve been talking about how many sleeps it is until the Olympics begins, like it’s Christmas and today they want everyone to wear red. (I never thought I’d get another chance to wear this so soon.)
There’s nothing worse then seeing a couple holding hands in matching Olympic wear. I saw one the other day and it made my head hurt just looking at them. Thank God the games are being played on the other side of the country because if I had to see that every day for 2 weeks…
Another thing that bothers me about the Winter Olympics is the events. Does anyone really like these sports? Does anyone regularly follow speed skating or luging or skeletoning . Do these sports even exist in a professional sense beyond Olympic qualification? Does anyone care if they do? Nope. Nobody does. Until the Olympics come around and then it’s I want my country to be the best at that weird sport I don’t know anything about and never watch. Wooo Hooo! Go Canada! Go!
Seriously?
So how could the Olympics become more appealing to me? Let’s think.
1) Three words: all nude Olympics.
Weren’t they all nude in the original Olympics in Rome? Well they should do it again. The uniforms the athletes wear are getting tighter and skimpier with every games. Get rid of them all together. The cold will make the athletes go faster and work harder and it would give new meaning to the term double helicopter in ski jumping.
2) More entries like this.
And this.
3) Let trained animals compete.
Did anyone see that show Man Vs Beast on Fox many years ago? It had like 50 midgets playing tug-o-war with an elephant and it had a hot dog eating completion between Japanese hot dog champ Kobayashi and a bear!
I can’t begin to tell you how much I love this.
4) Include more of those hopeless but amusing loser competitors like Eddie the Eagle and The Jamaican Bob Sled Team. Who doesn’t like Cool Runnings?
5) Go a step further and have an all untrained Olympics.
Look at all the great programming reality television has brought us by allowing regular schlubs to showcase their singing and dancing skills. Just take a bunch of morons off the street and say Ok, you’re going to Speed Skate, you’re going to luge and here’s some skis and a rifle you’re in the biathalon. It would be like a live action version of America’s Funniest Home Videos. Yes!
So there you go Olympic committee or Greek Gods or who ever oversees the Olympics 5 great ways to keep future Olympics from sucking. If you need more I’ll be in the tub.
P.S. Have you seen the medals they’re giving out this year?
Who designed these things, an 8 year old that lives near the train tracks?
P.P.S. On the subway platform today I heard someone say Happy Olympics to her friend as they said good bye. Happy Olympics??!! This is bullshit!
I’m Johnny CreepShow and I will be your guide on this whirlwind tour showcasing to you everything Value Village has to offer.
As you step through the (barely functioning) automatic doors, breath in deep.
Snnniiifff. Ahhhhh. Smell that? That’s more than just the smell of questionably washed second hand clothing. You’ll also detect a nostril singeing sweetness. That comes from the big air freshener at the back. Some of those uppity vintage stores try to mask the smell of their clothes with incense. Value Village prefers to over power it with blast after blast of nauseating lavender. You’ll recognize this smell in every Value Village you visit. I like to think of it as their signature scent.
Now let’s hang a left over to the glassware.
Wow! What a selection. A little overwhelming isn’t it? Let me point out a few of the staples.
Vintage Highball Glasses.
You’ll always find these. Don’t let the picture fool you though. What you see up there is a complete set. At Value Village you’ll never find more then 3 of a kind. Not to worry though. You can make it a foursome with this classic boob mug.
Take a gulp from the top or be a gentleman and sip from the nip. Always a big seller.
Ceramics made by kids in grade 10 sculpting are popular too.
There's hundreds of candy dishes.
These remind us of a time when candy was rare and needed to be showcased. Now only old people have them. When the old people die, they end up here.
I’d also like to point out the large selection of discarded corporate award plaques, Valentine’s mugs that once contained flowers and fast food no-spill drink holders from the 90s that have that straw that makes that crinkly noise… but I see I’ve already lost you. You’re drawn to the art section on the far wall. Yes the classic thrift store masterpieces are all there.
The framed Lamborghini poster.
The self- portrait of the (yet to be caught) serial killer.
Plus cross stitching for everyone’s tastes.
Let’s move into the real meat course of your Value Village meal. The real reason you’re here is the clothing!
Sadly the consistent decline in western civilization’s fashion tastes coupled with the rise of Ebay has seen good vintage clothes all but disappear. Still, lets take a peek.
Coats, coats, coats!!!
There’s the really stiff black jean jacket that’s too big for any one and the numerous beige trench coats with too short arms. (No black ones though thanks to guys this.)
Oh and there’s the ratty fur coat for the ladies (or for Jocks to wear to their annual dress up like a pimp for Halloween party).
For some reason they also like to put coveralls with the coats.
I believe it stems from a cover all overabundance do to the drop in popularity of Slipknot with today’s youth.
I can’t for the life of me figure out why they’re no longer popular. Moving on to jeans and slacks.
Emphasis on the word Slack.
There's your Shady Ltd.
There's your Sean John
In fact if a rapper had a top 10 hit the turn of the millennium, then his jeans are on the racks of Value Village. Why pay half price for them at Winners when you can get them slightly leaned back in for only $5.00?
Let's look up above the pants racks and check out the shoes. Yep, nothing but old Goth boots.
Look for the greese in the buckles. That tells you the previous owner worked at McDonalds.
Heading over to to the shirts now... Woah, watch out for the lady with two shopping carts full of half the store (Does she only come here once a year or something?). She's buisy looking for her kids who are smashing toys against the floor in the back left corner. Anyway shirts...
Check it out, dragon shirts! All the colours of the rainbow.
White-trash love these shirts. It’s like, I got this party animal Hawaiian shirt thing going but the dragons also suggest I might know Kung-fu. Get your dragon shirt while you can as soon they will be replaced entirely with TapOut fight wear .
And you just can’t leave Value Village without one of these.
They’ve got thousands of them. What better souvenir of your thrift store visit then a t-shirt from a movie with a scene in a thrift store!
If that scene wasn’t shot in a real thrift store then that is one of the most authentic recreations of a thrift store electronics section I have ever seen.
We will not be visiting the electronic section today. It is a sad and lonely place. The only reason to go there is if you’re looking to steal 45 centre pieces for your record player.
That reminds me: better check out the records before we go. At every Value Village you will find the following two records.
Glass Houses by Billy Joel
And Can’t Slow Down by Lionel Richie.
Track 8 is Hello. Remember the video for this when that blind girl makes that horrible bust of Lionel?
Apparently Lionel hated that head so much that he smashed it after the video was complete.
Special mention for repeat performances in the Value Village record section go to:
Whip Cream And Other Delights by Herb Alpert’s Tijuana Brass
And The Very Best of Mrs. Mills
Thus concludes your shopping tour of Value Village. Bring your purchases to the front and don’t forget to check out the glass display case at the counter for a look at some of their more high end items such as the non-working Goofy phone,
the Adventures of Bayou Billy Nintendo game system cartridge,
and the Jesus Is My Coach ornament
Thank you and come again.
P.S. I know the tour did not delve into the womens attire. I regret that that area remains a mystery to me. Although I have noticed that there is a lingerie section. The reason why is probably best not known.
Drink her in fellas. Oh those dark lifeless eyes, that pallid almost photshopesque complexion and that wide mannish jaw. She kind of reminds me of a cross between Will Ferrel when he played Janet Reno…
and one of those murder victim facial recreations built around the dead person’s skull.
I can sum her up in two words…
Boner Antidote.
Shouldn’t sex dolls be just a little bit sexy? I mean fare enough, there are some guys out there that will fuck a pumpkin with a hole in it but you’d be hard pushed to get them to cough up $7,000 for it. Hell you could get a sexier looking car for seven grand. But wait, it’s not all about the looks. Roxxy interacts with you. She talks. She answers questions. She becomes your lover AND your friend.
Amazing! She’s quite the ventriloquist too. I didn’t see her mouth move once. (Apparently her voice comes from a loudspeaker located under her wig, shudder). Those Aussies didn’t seem too keen. Then again in Australia they’d have to hire a bounty hunter and drive across the wastelands to get their hands on a decent model.
Based on real events in Australia
Never mind the voice. She also comes with 5 different personalities. The creepy inventor Douglas Hines mentioned one of them in the video, Wicked Wendy the skank personality (lovely). A CNN article I read also mentions Frigid Farrah, which I assume is Wendy’s opposite. I think I’ve got the other three figured out:
- Angry Annie (She has a big red afro, acne scars and sounds like Rosie O’Donnel trapped in a burlap sac.)
- Flatulent Francine (You have to pay an extra $1,000 for the second loudspeaker and the built in garbage disposal.)
- Sindy Stripper (She smells like cigarettes and hand sanitizer. She consistently and persistently demands cocaine. Put something sharp in her hand if you want her to try and stab you in your sleep.)
Douglas Hines says that he came up with the idea after loosing a friend in the 9/11 attacks.
"I had a friend who passed away in 9/11. I promised myself I would create a program to store his personality, and that became the foundation for Roxxxy True Companion."
Wow! Just when you thought it couldn’t get any creepier. How do you go from trying to preserve the memory of a dear lost friend to this?
On Hines’ True Companion website he says that the death of his friend was just the jumping off point for his idea and that eventually he turned it into Roxxxy to capitalize on the massive sex doll market. Is there really a massive market for sex dolls? I don’t think I know anyone that has or has ever owned a sex doll. You’ve got to think that once you decide to purchase something like this, you really are descending into new realms of sad social depravity.
1) Unless you can go pick this thing up, someone is going to have to deliver it to your home. How awkward would that be? Oh it’s just my new fridge. Yea, my new fridge from True Companions. Even if you can go pick it up imagine getting pulled over with that thing stuffed in your trunk! You’d be a cop-shop legend for years to come.
2) This thing is the size of an adult human. You can’t just put it in a bedside drawer or throw a blanket over it. You’re either going to have to hide it good, explain to your friends that you have sex with a rubber woman, or never have friends over again (and yes, I’m being nice and assuming you have friends).
3) One day you might meet an actual woman. What do you do? Do you throw Roxxxy away? That’s a pretty big risk. What if things don’t work out with the real woman? You could always tell the new woman about Roxxxy. She’s seen past all your other obvious flaws (the ones that lead you to buy a $7,000 sex doll) I’m sure she’ll get a real kick out of this one. Can you imagine being a woman dating a new guy and you open up a hall closet and that thing falls out at your feet! Or walking in on him having sex with it!! Or hearing a noise in the basement late at night and tip toeing downstairs to see him washing it out in the laundry room sink!!!! Aahhhhhhhhhh!!!!! You wouldn’t know whether to laugh or cry but whichever it is you’d be doing it while getting the fuck out of there.
Oh, that reminds me. For all you desperate ladies out there True Companions is designing a male version that it is calling Rocky. Let’s hope it looks better then the real deal.
