Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0048.

You know what sucks about buying a house?

The 5th album

Looking for furniture sucks. There’s really only 3 ways you can go about it; cheap, expensive or vintage. If you have even an iota of taste and you want new cheap furniture then your only real option is Ikea. I’m starting to loath Ikea. Sure some of their stuff looks ok and it’s a good deal but any retro Scandinavian penance it has is instantly ruined the first time someone comes over, points at it and says, Ikea, huh? And if you don’t look out you’ll wake up one day feeling like you’re living in the showroom or worse yet the Sims.

That’s right. Look at this. Now look around your room and commence feeling awkward.

The absolute worst part about buying Ikea furniture is having to go to Ikea. No matter what time of year it is there’s always some dumb parents buying stuff for their dumb daughter who’s going away to college. And lots of those asshole couples from Mississauga. I can’t be bothered trying to describe them. Just take a handful of the following words, throw them at the wall and see what sticks.

Track pants cell phone tribal tattoo hot pink Coach Purse cologne at 10 am gum chewing spray tan will this fit in the Civic? no socks Tap Out Fight wear eyebrow ring Pink is the New Black What about this babe? What about this one babe? What do you think of this Babe?

If it wasn’t for the 50 cent hot dogs and that weird pop that tastes like Christmas I would happily pledge never to set foot in Ikea again. But if you want cheap, that’s where you have to go. What other choices do you have? The Brick? Fucking Leons??!!



Vintage furniture shopping is more fun. Especially when you get a deal. I got two 50s Danish teak chairs from a record store the other week for $150! But getting deals on vintage furniture is becoming more and more difficult. Most of the good stuff costs as much as high end new furniture. And like Ikea you need to know when to draw the line. A few good vintage pieces can make a room look modern yet lived in but if you go overboard people might start to think you suffered some kind of nervous breakdown in the 60s.

Oh and if people like this make you uncomfortable.

Then vintage furniture shopping probably isn’t for you.

That just leaves expensive furniture. Expensive furniture is nice. It better be. Shopping for it sucks. All expensive furniture stores seem to be staffed by ex models. They can only speak in a polite whisper but they possess the ability to sum up your net worth in a single scathing glance.

Just browsing, hmm?

Even if you do break down and buy something you’ll never be happy with it. As soon as the card is swiped you’ll be thinking I can’t believe I just paid that much for something I can’t even drive home. And once you get it home you won’t even want to sit on it in case you ruin it. That’s why people have those rooms that no one sits in. I had a friend growing up whose parents had one of those rooms. If we went in there when his parents were out he would vacuum the carpet after to hide the foot prints. He’s probably a serial killer now.

Are you SITTING in my Karl Farbman??!!

I’m telling you, don’t send your kids to karate, don’t send them to skateboard camp. (Yes it exists I’ve seen it.) Send them to furniture making classes. They’ll thank you for it later. That’s what they should be teaching in art school, a useful form of art. I can’t count the number of times I’ve needed something to sit on in a gallery after reading the horseshit some contemporary artist has written to describe 2 blobs and a stroke. But maybe making furniture is too much like hard work. Maybe it’s not creative enough. Maybe the medium is too ridged. You know what would make it more appealing? If you could melt wood. Imagine the amazing furniture designs you could have if you could melt wood like plastic. Why can’t you? When I was younger I thought every material could be turned from a solid into a liquid or gas with enough heat. My theory on wood was that you just had to figure out a way to bypass the combustion point. Maybe you can. I don’t know. But I know someone who does.

Question 48: Can you melt wood?


No furniture rant written by a Torontonian is complete without the Idomo guy.

Magic Internet Answer: It is physically impossible to melt wood. Materials like water, metal, rock and even plastic are simple structures that do not go through large changes when they are heated.

Like hot dogs!

But when wood is heated it decomposes chemically. The chemical bonds that hold it together breakdown causing it to come apart. Also when wood is heated in air it begins to oxidize. One might think this could be prevented by heating wood in a vacuum. In space perhaps? But even heating wood slowly in the vacuum of space would not prevent it from decomposing into carbon charcoal and methanol among other components. Not to mention the facts that long term heat exposure lowers wood’s ignition temperature and it would most certainly burn up when reentering the earth’s atmosphere. Ha, ha. Magic Internet make joke.

Well that answers that. You can’t melt wood people. Not even in space. So you steampunks better think twice before loading your wooden R2 D2s into your brass X-Wings.

Ha, double ha. I make the jokes around here.

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0043.

 

Sometimes I wonder about all you folks out there reading my blog. I wonder who you are and why you’re reading.

Maybe some of you are 1940s federal agents that accidently fell into a confiscated time machine in one of the Hoover building’s evidence lockers while trying to sneak a quick belt of hooch. And now you’ve been thrust forward into the modern world where you’re hanging on my every word waiting for me to say something pro-communist.

Maybe some of you are highly stylized vainy ninja turtles. Intrigued by my frequent mention of C.H.U.D.s as you live in the sewer and hoping to learn more in between intense lifting competitions.

And maybe some of you are as equally intrigued by me. You may be sitting their wondering, Who is this slightly demented individual, where does he live and why is he so obsessed with midgets and hot dogs?

Electron Microscopic File Photo: My brain.

I could never hope to answer all your queries. But I can shed some light on a couple. Hot dogs are easily transportable, nostalgic and delicious and as for my domestic situation…

A refrigerator box?

Yeah right. Like I can afford a place downtown.

One of those Jason shacks in the woods complete with mother’s head shrine?

Exterior File Photo: Curb appeal

Interior File Photo: Staging.

No. I see enough of my mother as it is. I’d rather have the head of the mother off the Wonder Years. So I can shout at it as a stress relief.

Your husband Jack was such an asshole and you just stood there in the kitchen and took it! And why aren’t you out on DVD yet??!!

But I did recently purchase a house. It’s a nice little house in the east end of the city. And you know what I learned? I learned that the house paint industry is now run by pedantic fuckwits . Let me give you an example. Let’s say I want to purchase some white paint. The last time I bought white paint it came in maybe 3 varieties. There was gloss white, shell white and at a push some form of ivory white. Do you know what I have to deal with now? Tell ‘em Micro Machines guy.

There’s kitten white, romance white, song porcelain white, pristine porcelain white, white pearl, eloquent ivory, ivory coast, artesian white, natural white, cuddle white, wedding silk, macadamia white, Bavarian crème, manuscript white, pelican white, china white, dry martini white, marshmallow, white mountain, quiet solitude, minimalist white, inspiration white, Swiss coffee white, winterwash, stone white, wentworth white, atmosphere white, silk moon, crisp linen, raindrop white, crystal white, pearl drop white, antique white, Belgium lace, winter’s day, quiet retreat, white wing, drifting snow and (my favorite) white on white.

Excuse me Home Depot while I go eat 5 tins of Alphaghetti and puke all the Ws, Ts and Fs all over your fucking paint swatches. They’re all white and this is bullshit! When I was in school my best friend in art class was a guy by the name of Roy G. Biv. If you knew Roy, he’d always help you out come test time. You know why? I’ll tell you.

Red

Orange

Yellow

Green

Blue

Indigo

Violet

Those are all colours. (Although, if you ask me, even indigo and violet are pushing it.) Yes you can get different tones and hues but I hardly think you need some over paid think tank sitting in their offices, downing scotches ala Don Drapper, trying to reinvent the names of colours so they better reflect someone’s mood/food & beverage choice/wedding day.

Megan, call up Benjamin Moore and inform him that orange and brown mixed together is now Country Store.

Burgandy’s Corrrrdoooooovan, wahaaa-ha-ha-ha.

That aside, I do have a few of my own:

bachelor porcelain

veggi dog

some asshole’s car yellow

Some asshole’s car yellow also comes in a brighter hue called some asshole’s jetski yellow. Hey speaking of yellow, I heard a while back that someone did a study or something that showed there was a greater degree of domestic violence in homes that have yellow kitchens.

Guess what colour paint I spilled in the garage?

I don’t know if it was the yellow colour that angered people or if painting your kitchen yellow is a sign of social instability but I always took it as fact. Do you think it’s true? Do yoooou think it’s true Magic Internet?

Question 43: Do yellow kitchens increase domestic violence?



Magic Internet Answer: There is absolutely correlation between a domicile’s kitchen colour and an increase in domestic violence. And you Johnny are a complete idiot for believing otherwise.

Oh yeah Magic Internet. Well I have something to say to you...

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0039.

You know what I’ve been thinking about lately? Burials at sea.  Last week when I heard that Osama Bin Laden was buried at sea it reminded me that I used to have a big fascination with this practice. It all started after I saw  James Bond's funeral in You Only Live Twice.

How fucking cool is that?! He even had a fully functioning office on a submarine! Complete with hat rack! After I saw that movie I’d take this plastic toy mummy into the bath with me and pretend it was Bond faking his own death.

I’m pretty sure it was this one out of the 1970 Secret’s of the Mummy’s Tomb G.I. Joe play set.

Bond would solemnly slide of the edge of the tub into his watery grave somewhere down around my junk only to be stealthily retrieved by my Actionman SAS Frogman that I got from John Menzies in Scotland.

 

Exhibit A: Actionman SAS Frogman.

 

Exhibit B: John Menzies

Saddly, unlike agent 007, both are no longer with us. I guess Bond got a burial at sea because he was supposed to have been in the Royal Navy. But it’s not a bad gig when you think about it. They just stick you in the ocean and then the fish eat you, very environmentally friendly. And maybe when Richard Branson gets his Virgin deep sea tours thing going,

 

It looks like a cross between an old Fischer Price toy and a Lindt chocolate bar

your skeleton can wave at everyone like one of those fish tank ornaments.

What are the rules for being buried at sea? Are there any? I thought the ocean was like no man’s land where you can gamble, shoot fireworks, and put Freon in your car’s AC. Do you have to contact anyone? It seems kind of weird just going out there and dumping a body without telling anyone. Magic Internet. Up periscope!

Question 39: Are there any laws for burials at sea?

Magic Internet Answer: There are a number of laws keeping an individual from merely dumping a human body in the ocean. Human remains present a sanitation and public health risk so most countries have strict laws governing their transportation. The body will have to be properly embalmed or at least in a sealed casket and a copy of a death certificate must travel with the body.

 

Or you could go the cheaper and more hilarious route of just purchasing a pair of sunglasses.

Once you are sea bound there are further laws governing the disposal of human remains at sea. And keep in mind that when you are in international waters you are to obey the laws of your vessel’s home country. In Canada, burial at sea is covered under the Environmental Protection Act and a permit must be applied for at least 8 weeks in advance. 

8 weeks! I’d hate to be in that line up.

Most funeral homes that deal with burials at sea apply for the permit yearly in advance so that they do not have to wait 8 weeks before burial. A fee of $2500 must also be paid to the Receiver General for the permit. The body will also require a medical certificate stating that it is free of any disease that may become waterborne and a notification of the intent to bury at sea must be made in a local news paper.

Don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll be allowed to Twitter it soon.

Sup Bros! I’m dead. LOL

The deceased must also be identified with a permanent identification tag that includes the phone number of the funeral home in case the body resurfaces or is dragged up by fishing vessels.

Hey, this one’s wearing Grandad’s wedding ring!

For this reason also the burial must be in at least 200 meters of water and be at least 3 nautical miles from land. It is also recommended that the coffin be made of wood or steel and be of a sufficient size to hold the body plus at least 90 kilograms of additional weight to hold down the body.

Finally! A use for my old gold weights.

It is also recommended that you drill at least 12 holes at least 2 centimeters in diameter to allow for quick flooding of the casket and to allow gases to escape during decomposition. Then all that is left is to say some words of good bye and commit the body to its watery grave.

Not exactly how I picture my funeral ,

but thanks Magic Internet.

Herpe Valentine’s Day!

It’s St. Valentine’s Day and love is in the air!

Over at the Playboy Mansion that love filled air is giving everyone some type of legionnaires disease. They’re saying that it might have been caused by a fog machine but we all know the real cause.

And speaking of diseases I have good news for all you people with herpes out there. You no longer have to spend Valentine’s Day crying lonesome tears into your Hungry Man Fried Chicken Dinner whose freezer burned box you earlier used to sooth your raw and blistered genitals.

Herpes herpes boburpes banana fanna fo ferpes me my mo merpes. Herpes!

Camelot Introductions now offers a dating service that connects people with herpes with other people with herpes.

File Photo: Couples with herpes.

Now your nights can be spent discussing your herpes over candlelit dinners. The size and frequency of your outbreaks, the disgusting acts that resulted in your infection and the horrible people that gave them to you.

It doesn’t matter if you have nothing else in common. That’s never stopped true love before.

File Photo: True love/couples with herpes.

So this one goes out to all you heart hurtin’ herpes havein’ heroes hunched over your Hungry Man helpings. Slap on some polysporin and slip into something stain resistant cause you’re back in the game!

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0025

Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. If you’re stuck for something to do, why not take your special lady friend on a suburban teen date? Whisk her away to one of those big food barns like East Side Mario’s, Jack Astor’s or Boston Pizza.

Let her mind drift back to a time when woeful appreciation of her was due to vast inexperience and geographical restraints. Here’s what you do: Put on your finest Eminem formal wear. I suggest a pair of baggy white jeans, an oversized v-neck sweater and a matching white baseball cap. (Make sure the cap’s full back, we’re talking formal wear here). Heavily douse yourself in Joop or Axe Choclate or whatever horrendous smelling shit teens are wearing these days. Borrow your dad’s car. Maybe a quick stop at the mall to pick her up something from La Senza. (They’ve usually got that table in the front with the 3 for 1 panties so you don’t have to wander around in there and get all squirmy.)

Even better. $20 just turned one special day into 10 great nights guys!

When you pick her up try to say something that is at the same time endearing yet offensive. Like, Fuck you look fucking hot! or something about her being tappable. If you need inspiration, Google sexy t-shirt slogans.

At the restaurant, be sure to slump in your chair and check your phone a lot. Oh and if fajitas are on the menu, order them. All that sizzling will get the whole room's attention and you’ll seem important. Ordering fajitas on a date in a fat barn restaurant is the teenage equivilant of snapping your fingers and having a man come out playing a violin.

File Photo: The Steakivarius

And what’s with that sizzle anyway? How come I can never get my fajitas to sizzle like that at home? Maybe it’s because my fajitas consist of only this:

Plus this:

You’ve got to make sure you get the cheese ones because the fajita kit doesn’t come with cheese. They don’t tell you that.

But I think there’s something more to it. I think the restaurants put something in their fajitas at the last minute to make them sizzle and smoke like that. Now I’ve got a few ideas of my own on what it is.

Delicous? Maybe. Correct? Hmmm, not sure. Screw this stupid suburban date idea. I’m asking the Magic Internet.

Question 25: Do restaurants put something in their fajitas to make them sizzle?



Magic Internet Answer: Fajita is an interesting word you know Johnny. In Spanish Faja means belt or girdle. Fajita is a diminutive word meaning little belt. This refers to skirt steak. The specific cut of meat that fajitas were originally made from. Skirt steak is a cut about 18 inches long and about 1 inch thick located just below the heart and lungs, skirting the diaphragm. Right about here.

Gross. Come on MI, less grizzly more sizzly!

Well there is no real singular ingredient that causes fajitas to sizzle. It is simply the end cooking process. Some restaurants however do employ subtle techniques to maximize sizzling before a plate of fajitas is served. One way is to heat a skillet separately and transfer the fajita filling to it just before cooking.

I’d go one more and have it brought out by the Christian Metal band Skillet. Perhaps after transferring it onto that blond guy’s shirt.

Yes, well, some restaurants have also been known to pour some of the fajita marinade or even soy sauce over the skillet just before serving.

Soy Sauce??!!

Chinese Fajitas today’s special at T.G.I. Friday’s Tokyo, where less than 30 pieces of flare brings great shame.

But perhaps the best way to increase the sizzle before serving fajitas is to squeeze fresh lime juice over the filling. Many Mexican dishes are finished in this matter and it is a healthier option than soy sauce.

Lime juice, huh? Whatever you say Magic Internet. Although I still think I’ve got something there with those Pop Rocks. Hey, remember that episode of Mr. Belvedere when Whesley called him a Slimey Limey? I hated that little shit.

Just look at his face! 

The theme song was good though.



Hey, do you think anyone actually joined the fan club and got the Fun Kit?



And if you’re still with me then you know what’s coming next.



Check Ya Later!