It came from Videoflicks 2: Empty boxes hunger for you.

Happy Halloween boils and ghouls!

Deaderal claw provides severed-ere civile and criminal penalties for the unauthorrorized reaper-duction of copyfrighted materials. Woooo ha ha ha ha!

Sorry Crypt Keeper but I’ve always wanted to say that. A lot of you will no doubt be thinking back to some of your favorite horror movies and hoping to catch one or two on TV tonight.

I said HORROR not horrible.

When I was a kid I wasn’t allowed to watch many horror movies do to a staunch belief in the bogeyman and his ability to eat my bones post bedtime.

A reasonable facsimile of what my bedroom dresser looked like with the lights out.

But on the weekly pilgrimages to Videoflicks I was able to look at the horror movie boxes. This in retrospect was probably worse than actually viewing the terrible movies they once contained. I’m sure my twisted little imagination conjured up monsters and killers far more terrifying. Jason was after all just a big headed bald kid.

So seeing as it’s Halloween I thought I’d share with you some of my most memorable horror movie video boxes that mesmerized/creeped me out all those years ago.

Microwave Massacre – 1983

I’ve still yet to actually see this movie but I love this box. And what’s not to love? Look at that roasting head with all the trimmings. I also like the subtle extra touches like the internal temperature gauge going into the head and the microwave display set to well done. And then there’s that fat guy licking his lips while staring at the head. He just can’t wait to eat that head! But what’s with the towel around his neck? I remember not having a microwave at home when I’d look at this box. I don’t remember if it made me want one more or less.

The Howling – 1981

I could never look at this case for too long. Not because I was afraid of werewolves. (Although I probably was.) It was because of her nails. Look at how cracked and horrible they are. Look at them! Ugh, they still give me the willies. Let’s move on.

Chopping Mall – 1986

First off: Best. Title. Ever. When you grow up in the suburbs the mall becomes a major part of your life. When you’re young, it’s where the toys are and when you’re older it becomes a ketchup and sweet and sour sauce soaked arena in which to perform the feats of strength in hopes that some large haired maiden will pause momentarily from purchasing hundreds of bracelets to agree to Go with you.

What that ment and where you were supposed to go remains forever a mystery.

The shopping bag full of body parts is great but it’s that robot arm that seals the deal. What were those high tech mall scientists thinking?

Mall Security Robot Designer 1: Hey Dan. Why don’t we put little saw blades on their knuckles. You know to deter shoplifters?
Mall Security Robot Designer 2: Rad idea Trevor. Those sticky fingered little shits in the Tape Shack won’t have that problem anymore. Let’s celebrate with a couple of Growers.

Night of the Creeps – 1986

Even with the word Creep in it the title the slogan up top still takes the front seat on this one. My older sister was starting high school when this came out so in my mind this scenario may have been highly plausible. (Although that dead guy is way hunkier than anyone that went to Lord Elgin High School back then.) Oh and those are some pretty strong roses.

The Video Dead – 1987

If you were 11 years old would you want to put this in your VCR? Me either. I don’t want to now either. But that’s because I’ve seen it.

The Comic – 1985

I remember seeing this box once and wondering why the guy he was stabbing had a face made out of wood. Now I realize that it wasn’t wood, the artist just didn’t know how to draw wrinkles. Or anything else for that matter.

And finally on the subject of videos, none of my childhood Halloweens were complete without the annual school viewing of the Halloween Safety Video. Every year they’d assemble us in the library, roll out the video cart and show us this video.

(God, this thing now looks like a horror movie.)

(That hobo clown kid’s dead is wearing a great serial killer costume.)

Even though I was a firm believer that safety ruined all the best costumes I was so pumped for Halloween that seeing this video was to Halloween what the CFRB radio station reporting that Santa’s sleigh had been spotted on radar Christmas Eve.

Have a safe and happy Halloween all!

I was a 9 Year Old Ninja!

From the ages of about 8 to 11 I was well versed of the deadly arts of the ninja.

I had no master and I attended no Dojo. I was introduced to the ways of the ninja by an old friend that I still see today…


Enter the Ninja (1981)



I must have rented this movie about 50 times before getting my own copy. VideoFlix and Bandito Video provided me with many other teachers too.


There was Revenge of the Ninja.

American Ninja.

Ninja 3: The Domination.

And let us not forget 9 Deaths of the Ninja

Sho Kosugi was at his best in this one. Especially when he tackled a group of midgets dressed like the Blues Brothers.




Special mention must also go to Gymkata.

I never liked Gymkata as a child because I thought it was wrong for true ninjas to use machine guns. As it turns out they weren’t really ninjas at all just a bunch of weirdos from some fake country called Parmistan (or Yukislovia). The hero wasn’t a ninja either. He was Olympic Gold Medal gymnast Kurt Thomas. Still there were some memorable scenes.



Sure these films taught me many of the ninja techniques (and pommel horse techniques) but Enter the Ninja was my master.

Allow me to enlighten you on my typical Saturday as a suburban boy ninja.

I would begin with laying out my ninja gi on my bedroom floor.

(the one my parents brought me back from the China Town in San Francisco)

I added to this a pair of my dads black dress socks. I would tuck in the toes to make them look like tabi boots.

Beside my gi I would lay out my ninja weaponry.

The above picture is similar to what I saw in my head as I laid out my arsenal. In truth it was a sad state of affairs. No matter how many times we visited the Dixie Mall and the Yonge and Dundas flea market my parents refused to allow me to purchase any real ninja weapons. Therefore I was forced to fight and train with fake and homemade ones. I had the usual plastic ninja sword, butterfly knife and rubber throwing stars. Most of these were purchased from Zellers or the IDA drug store around Halloween.

My homemade weapons were a little weirder.

To the 9 year old ninja, the discarded broom stick is the greatest of allies. Wrap some hockey tape around the middle and you have a Bo staff that Donatello would be proud of.

Cut it into pieces and nail an old dog chain to it and you have a sweet pair of Nunchuks.

My favorite though were my homemade sais.

They were made out of a couple of long thick nails that I found up by the railway tracks and the prongs of an old barbeque rotisserie set.

I thought I was a genius when I came up with that. Much like the man that got this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles back piece.

The ancient arts of the ninja were to be performed with the utmost secrecy. For the 9 year old ninja, to be discovered could result in ridicule, grounding, or the ultimate dishonor… confiscation and destruction of the homemade weapons.

I would don my gi minus the hood and await the parental departure to Leon’s or Mr. Grocer. I’d pass the time thumbing through my well read copies of the TMNT Official Martial Arts Training Manuals.

Trying to tell time by looking in our cats eyes, an ancient ninja technique.

Or Practice My Ninja Kuji (all copied from Enter the Ninja).



When I sensed (looked out the window) that the parental car had left the driveway. It was time to begin suiting up.

Anyone that is familiar with 80s action movies knows how important the suiting up scene is.


Rambo 2 had one.

Commando maybe had the best one.




And Enter the Ninja had one too.


Basically I would put on all my ninja junk while humming some kind of dramatic music.

Dunh dunh duuunnhh dunnnhhh du dunh dunh duuunnnhh duunnnhhh.

Finally it was time to fight ninjas. Hundreds of ninjas.

I would fight wave after wave of imaginary ninjas all around my house. Up the stairs. Down the stairs. Sometimes the battles would spill out onto the back deck, down to the yard and back through the patio doors. (God, my neighbors must have thought I was fucking retarded). I would do this until one of four things happened. My parents came home, I hurt myself (this happened often), I broke something in the house (this also happened often) or I just became too exhausted to swing my broom stick anymore.

Then it was off the kitchen to eat a can of Beefaroni

Kampai!!!!

Welcome To Value Village!

I’m Johnny CreepShow and I will be your guide on this whirlwind tour showcasing to you everything Value Village has to offer.

As you step through the (barely functioning) automatic doors, breath in deep.

Snnniiifff. Ahhhhh. Smell that? That’s more than just the smell of questionably washed second hand clothing. You’ll also detect a nostril singeing sweetness. That comes from the big air freshener at the back. Some of those uppity vintage stores try to mask the smell of their clothes with incense. Value Village prefers to over power it with blast after blast of nauseating lavender. You’ll recognize this smell in every Value Village you visit. I like to think of it as their signature scent.

Now let’s hang a left over to the glassware.

Wow! What a selection. A little overwhelming isn’t it? Let me point out a few of the staples.

Vintage Highball Glasses.

You’ll always find these. Don’t let the picture fool you though. What you see up there is a complete set. At Value Village you’ll never find more then 3 of a kind. Not to worry though. You can make it a foursome with this classic boob mug.

Take a gulp from the top or be a gentleman and sip from the nip. Always a big seller.

Ceramics made by kids in grade 10 sculpting are popular too.

There's hundreds of candy dishes.

These remind us of a time when candy was rare and needed to be showcased. Now only old people have them. When the old people die, they end up here.

I’d also like to point out the large selection of discarded corporate award plaques, Valentine’s mugs that once contained flowers and fast food no-spill drink holders from the 90s that have that straw that makes that crinkly noise… but I see I’ve already lost you. You’re drawn to the art section on the far wall. Yes the classic thrift store masterpieces are all there.

The framed Lamborghini poster.

The self- portrait of the (yet to be caught) serial killer.

Plus cross stitching for everyone’s tastes.

Let’s move into the real meat course of your Value Village meal. The real reason you’re here is the clothing!

Sadly the consistent decline in western civilization’s fashion tastes coupled with the rise of Ebay has seen good vintage clothes all but disappear. Still, lets take a peek.

Coats, coats, coats!!!

There’s the really stiff black jean jacket that’s too big for any one and the numerous beige trench coats with too short arms. (No black ones though thanks to guys this.)



Oh and there’s the ratty fur coat for the ladies (or for Jocks to wear to their annual dress up like a pimp for Halloween party).

For some reason they also like to put coveralls with the coats.

I believe it stems from a cover all overabundance do to the drop in popularity of Slipknot with today’s youth.

I can’t for the life of me figure out why they’re no longer popular. Moving on to jeans and slacks.

Emphasis on the word Slack.

There's your Shady Ltd.

There's your Sean John

In fact if a rapper had a top 10 hit the turn of the millennium, then his jeans are on the racks of Value Village. Why pay half price for them at Winners when you can get them slightly leaned back in for only $5.00?

Let's look up above the pants racks and check out the shoes. Yep, nothing but old Goth boots.

Look for the greese in the buckles. That tells you the previous owner worked at McDonalds.

Heading over to to the shirts now... Woah, watch out for the lady with two shopping carts full of half the store (Does she only come here once a year or something?). She's buisy looking for her kids who are smashing toys against the floor in the back left corner. Anyway shirts...

Check it out, dragon shirts! All the colours of the rainbow.

White-trash love these shirts. It’s like, I got this party animal Hawaiian shirt thing going but the dragons also suggest I might know Kung-fu. Get your dragon shirt while you can as soon they will be replaced entirely with TapOut fight wear .

What else have we got? Hmmm, lots of shirts by bands no one wants to see.

(Hey, is that Vick Mackey on the left?)

And you just can’t leave Value Village without one of these.

They’ve got thousands of them. What better souvenir of your thrift store visit then a t-shirt from a movie with a scene in a thrift store!

If that scene wasn’t shot in a real thrift store then that is one of the most authentic recreations of a thrift store electronics section I have ever seen.

We will not be visiting the electronic section today. It is a sad and lonely place. The only reason to go there is if you’re looking to steal 45 centre pieces for your record player.

That reminds me: better check out the records before we go. At every Value Village you will find the following two records.

Glass Houses by Billy Joel

And Can’t Slow Down by Lionel Richie.

Track 8 is Hello. Remember the video for this when that blind girl makes that horrible bust of Lionel?





Apparently Lionel hated that head so much that he smashed it after the video was complete.

Special mention for repeat performances in the Value Village record section go to:

Whip Cream And Other Delights by Herb Alpert’s Tijuana Brass

And The Very Best of Mrs. Mills

Thus concludes your shopping tour of Value Village. Bring your purchases to the front and don’t forget to check out the glass display case at the counter for a look at some of their more high end items such as the non-working Goofy phone,

the Adventures of Bayou Billy Nintendo game system cartridge,

and the Jesus Is My Coach ornament

Thank you and come again.

P.S. I know the tour did not delve into the womens attire. I regret that that area remains a mystery to me. Although I have noticed that there is a lingerie section. The reason why is probably best not known.