Arize Snuffleupagus. ARRRRIIIIZZZZZEEE!

You know what I read yesterday? I read that Japanese scientists are going to clone a woolly mammoth!

As a staunch supporter of mad science I think this is wonderful news. For those of you that peed your pants during grade 4 history and had to be escorted down to the nurse's office by the hall monitor to be forced into a pair of jogging pants from the lost and found:  a woolly mammoth is a great ancestor of the modern elephant that became extinct about 10,000 years ago. Apparently these Japanese scientists are going to insert mammoth genes into an elephant embryo and then insert that embryo into the uterus of an elephant in hopes that the elephant gives birth to a woolly mammoth! I wonder how the elephant's mate will feel when he sees the baby? Maybe they'll have to go on Maury Povich to sort it all out.

It'll be like this but with a lot more trumpeting.

And for those of you who say that it's impossible to extract usable DNA from a long dead frozen specimen...

WRONG!

These mad scientist have already done it. They successfully cloned a mouse with DNA taken from a mouse that was frozen for 16 years. The mouse chose to freeze its self after watching 11 seconds of the newly released movie It's Pat.

What is it with scientists and mice anyway? They make them run through mazes, they make them wear lipstick, they shave their little mouse heads and attach wires to their brains. Hey remember when they grew a human ear on one?

Yeah, if we ever get invaded by some alien race that evolved from mice, we're in BIG trouble.

Squeak, squeak squeak. TRANSLATION: You're all in big trouble

Now I know a lot of you have questions and concerns regarding this mammoth cloning.  Please allow me to enlighten you.

1) Isn't it morally wrong to clone something?

Maybe. But we're already doing it anyway so what the hell. In fact I hear that Disneyland keeps clones of all the Princesses in a bunker below Space Mountain for when the current ones die of heat exhaustion or get knocked up by Goofy. Apparently that happens a lot.

Rubbers don't fit on my lipstick. Huy-huyuck.

2) Mammoths became extinct for a reason. Shouldn't we leave them that way?

Why? We are always trying to save other species from extinction. We're just taking a little longer with this one. And besides, look at the Dodo Bird. It became extinct over 300 years ago and people still won't shut-up about it. The Dodo has become the poster bird for extinct species. And look it at. It's the dumbest looking bird I've ever seen.

In fact it's so dumb looking that its name has become synonymous with being dumb. The woolly mammoth would be a way cooler looking spokesman and it would be alive. Plus the word mammoth means huge and that's something everyone wants to be.

File Photo: Everyone's goal.

Speaking of that, did you know that Thomas Jefferson was the first to use the word mammoth to describe something big? It's true. He was an avid fan of paleontology and used it to describe a rather large wheel of cheese that he was given. 

3) If we do clone mammoths, will that mess up our echo system?

Maybe. But I doubt it. We would have to clone lots of them. And from what I hear they only eat tundra grass. Do you eat tundra grass? I sure as hell don't. If there is some animal that eats tundra grass, it will just have to learn to eat mammoths. Problem solved.

4) Isn't a woolly mammoth too big to come to full term in an elephant's uterus?

I don't know. What do I look like a mammoligist? If it is too big they could always try putting it in that horrible Kate woman from John & Kate plus 8. Her uterus has got to be the size of a dump truck. I hear TLC is having the Little Couple move in there for season 4.

Hey that reminds me. Did you ever see that show on Fox where all those midgets raced an elephant while pulling a jumbo jet?

5) Are there any practical uses for mammoths?

Given mans natural instinct to exploit every living thing on the planet, this was bound to come up. Many scientists believe that the reason why woolly mammoths had such long tusks was because they used them to push snow out of the way to get at the tundra grass underneath. (Again with the tundra grass!) So we could use them as snow plows.

All we would have to do is put a blue light on its head and teach it trumpet that beeping sound when it backs up. Sure they might gore a few children that throw snow balls at them for ruining their snow days but to appease the parents we'll just clone their kids back to life.

6) What do they taste like?

One of the dominant theories as to why the Woolly Mammoth became extinct is that it was hunted into extinction by early man.

So that means that they must be delicious. I've also read that woolly mammoths had numerous sebaceous glands all over their body that secreted greasy fat into their fur to insulate them better. In other words, expect to see them added to the McDonald's Extra Value Meal menu by 2016.

I could go on and on but the point is that I'm just not seeing a downside to this. Cloning woolly mammoths is the answer to all out problems. We can look at them. We can pet them. We can ride them. We can attach missles to them. And yes, we can even eat them. So I say bring it on mad science. Up with Woolly Mammoths!

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0006

It’s that time again kids. Dust of your brains and get ready to learn something useless.

Question No. 6: Is it actually lucky if a bird poops on you?

There’s this set of power lines by Broadview station and there’s always like a hundred birds on it and I’m always afraid they’re going to shit on me.

Insert Bird On a Wire/Goldie Hawn’s acting/Mel’s Gibson’s carrier shit joke here.

Now I’ve heard that it’s lucky if a bird shits on you. I for one don’t believe it. It would be lucky if I walked into Value Village Value Village and found one of these babies.

But having a bird shit on you, how can that be lucky? They’re flying around up there and they let loose and it could land on anything or anyone and it lands on me! If anything that’s the opposite of lucky. Does this guy look lucky to you?



Oh wondrous Internet, my all-knowing cybernetic sage. Expose the luck of bird shit for the festering pack of lies that it is. Or blow my mind with proof of its existence.

Wooop. Wooop. Beeeeep. Zip. Zap. Rap. Wrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Buzzzzzzz. Ding!

Magic Internet Answer: Sigh, another excrement question. Remind me to wipe my brow(ser) when we’re done. It’s starting to stink around here. If the luckiness of bird excretions is a myth then the easiest way to prove it would be through the study of statistical data. Unfortunately there are no know statistics covering people that have been shit on by birds and wither or not good fortune closely followed said shitting. Yes, I’m surprised too. That being said there is a substantial number of claims by people visiting casinos that a large win fall closely followed incidents of birds shitting on their cars in the casino parking lot.

File photo: High Roller.

However it is more than likely that just as many, if not more gamblers won money at casinos with no such incidents of shitting. Also casino patrons are known to wear adult diapers in lieu of going to the bathroom so I am going to rule them out of any statistical equation due to their mental dysfunction.

So without tangible statistics to help me with the answer I will have to move on and see what I do have that is tangible. First there is luck. We know luck exists. Human beings experience luck all the time. Be it at sporting events, in the ability of the moronic to avoid death



or the birth of Paris Hilton. However there is no way to measure luck or foretell its occurrence. In fact the definition of luck is, The chance happening of fortunate or adverse events. So perhaps it is the statistical odds of the bird pooping on you that brings about the luck as it is a rare event. But there are variables in that too. As you mentioned earlier you fear walking under those power lines because of all the birds resting on them. So surely the odds of you getting pooped on there are much higher than elsewhere. Much like if you were walking around here.

This brings us the second tangible item, the actual poop. Could there be fortune in the bird poop? That picture above is from a guano island. Guano islands are deserted islands that are hosts to large seabird populations. The birds defecate on the islands so much that the depth of the bird shit can be several meters and actually change the physical shape and size of the islands.

The guano (bird shit) is often harvested from these islands and used as an effective fertilizer or even in the production of gunpowder. But you couldn’t make enough gunpowder from one bird’s droppings to fire a gun made by David Kucer David Kucer so it’s not worth much to you in that aspect.

The Japanese are known to use bird shit as a facial treatment (of course they do). Uguisu no fun (literally bird excrement) is a popular skin softener made from the guanine of nightingales. Although disgusting some high end salons in major American cities offer the treatment under the title of a geisha facial.

Light me up and give me another Saki shit face!

So you could try rubbing it into your skin. Other than that there is no known tangible luck behind a bird pooping on you. I believe it is merely something that people say to feel better about what is really an unfortunate and rather disgusting event.

I knew it! Thanks Magic Internet. And I don’t need the myth of luck to feel better. Next time a bird poops on me I’ll just go home and watch that episode of the Flintstones where Barney takes a shit in that Pelican’s mouth.

Take me to your (art) dealer.

I read an article today about aliens.

Specifically, what aliens would find interesting about humans if they came to Earth. Basically it points out that if an alien race could reach us they would be much more advanced than us and therefore they wouldn’t be too interested in our achievements in math and science. They’d be like those little shithead future kids in Back to the Future II that make fun of Marty for playing Wild Gunman

So aliens would be more interested in our artistic side. Ha, not if they landed their UFO around here. Some of the artistic experts quoted in the article suggest introducing aliens to music by Bach, Vivaldi, and other Baroque composers and Pre-Raphaelite paintings as an example of our visual art.

That’s all well and good but I can’t help but think that if aliens want a true sense of the most wondrous capabilities of the human mind that they may need to be shown some of man’s artistic creations that don’t quite jive with the squares if you catch my drift. So Mr. Alien, give me your creepy little hand or float behind me or if you’re like Starman assume the form of a dead loved one and let’s go look at some real art.



Let’s start with music. Music is amazing because it can evoke feelings with mere sounds. But do aliens even have music? Wait of course they do. There’s GWAR and Alien Ant Farm to prove that, Duh. So you aliens probably don’t like classical music at all. You’re probably more into music that’s heavy and or awful. In that case I have one word for you, Jackyl.

This evokes feelings of stop and why and turn it off with mere sounds.

Ha ha ha… he’s playing a chainsaw. Boy, if you thought you were superior to humans before, I can’t imagine what you think now. But that’s nothing. Let’s move on to visual art.

Our galleries are full of great paintings and sculptures but any artist will tell you that visual art can be seen all around us and in everyday life. Most notably on people’s arms, legs and sadly even faces. Yes, Mr. Alien I’m talking about tattoos. Not only are they artistically appealing but they also convey a message to us about the person that wears them. Let me show you some examples:

Here the artist is trying to convey that the recipient is drunk and that the artist is an asshole.

Here the artist lets us know that the recipient isn’t drunk and thinks she’s better than everyone because of it.

And finally this one tells us that the recipient really, really like you guys… and weed.

But visual art doesn’t need to be static. There are moving pictures that are moving pictures, get it? No, don’t reach for your probe it was just a play on words! I’m talking about film. People here on Earth like to talk about movies like Citizen Kane and the God Father being cinematic masterpieces to seem smart. But when they go home, just like you and me, they French’s mustard up some Triscuits and throw in a movie like Zapped starring Scott Baio. It’s a movie about a kid who acquires telekinetic powers and uses them to help him and his friends get laid or something. Here’s a clip that reminded me of you.



Also it had a wicked poster.

You’re right Mr. Alien, that is Willie Aames who Played Buddy in Charles in Charge. Fuck you aliens ARE smart.

There’s one more thing I’d like to show you, the art of videogames. Some people think that today’s videogames are a new artistic medium.

The Louvre in two years time.

Others like Roger Ebert  disagree. But then again Roger Ebert liked Dropped Dead Fred so what does he know?

I don’t know about video games being art but they certainly evoke some of the same creativity that artists do, both in the game developers and in the players. For example look what my old friend Limmy likes to do with Grand Theft Auto IV.



Another good example is The Sims. It’s a life simulation game. You could argue that the sheer number of people that play The Sims, with its mundane game play that mimics everyday life, gives the game as much social commentary as any contemporary art piece. This is even more apparent when our smartest human beings (the Japanese) use the style of The Sims to make fun of our dumbest human beings (the cast of Jersey Shore).



Yeah… coughs… ummm… well thanks for coming Mr. Alien here take a t-shirt to remember your trip.

Don’t forget to tell everyone on your planet what you learned. I’m sure you’ll be back to blow us up real soon.

Why crazy ladies should stick to owning cats.

Have any of you seen the show Extreme Poodles? It’s a documentary/reality type show where lonely/cruel/insane women take this:

And turn it into this:

Yes, that’s a poodle. Yes, that’s a Ninja Turtle. And yes, TLC has a show about it.



It’s kind of like that other show Toddlers & Tiaras but instead of giving off a creepy pedophile vibe, Extreme Poodles gives off more of a sad Humane Society commercial vibe.

Kind of like this but with a pink Mohawk.

The crazy ladies are allowed to dye the poodles beforehand but all the shaving and attachment of dollar store items must take place during the competition. One lady was shaving her dog for so long that it couldn’t stay awake anymore and she had to take it out of the competition. He was probably tired out from all the fun he had during the 7 hour drive to the competition in his crate or the long walks he took all night around the single bed at the Monte Carlo Inn.

One hilarious spectator had a great idea for keeping the dogs awake. He kept squeaking a squeaker toy in the audience while they dogs were being groomed. Then all the dogs would turn their heads and the groomers would mess up the haircuts. All the ladies got pissed and started complaining so security went looking for him. I wonder if they tased him?

See how YOU like it.

The most bizarre part of the show though was when the crazy ladies would unveil their masterpieces. This involved sort of a cross between a fashion show, a beauty pageant and a diorama competition.

The crazy ladies got dressed up with their dogs and put on a little show where they announced the dog. Some of them danced around and some of them had weird display tables and backgrounds.

Like this:

And this:

And, good god, this:

The worst one was a poodle that was dyed and shaved to look like a buffalo and then they shaved a 3D Indian face into the side of it (you can see a few flashes of it in the video). The crazy ladies came out dressed as Indians and I think they said something about it evoking the native spirit. I’m not really sure because the TV was shaking do to all the buried natives in North America spinning in their graves.

If this ground’s a rockin’, TLC’s a mockin’.

Yep, to sum it up TLC’s Extreme Poodles is pretty crazy. How crazy? Well… crazier then Denim Huggies.

I wonder if Depends makes tuxedo ones for my wedding day?

But still not as crazy as what Japan do with poodles.

Yippie Kay Yay Smithsonian!

I read in the news this morning that the suit that O. J. Simpson wore to court on the day he was acquitted is going to be donated to the Smithsonian.

For fuck’s sake, are they serious?! Are we really that hard up for artifacts? This seems like something that should be auctioned off on e-bay and eventually bought for some ridicules sum by a casino.

Golden Palace bought this for $10,000

Or it should be hanging over my head at Planet Hollywood while I eat a shitty $15.00 burger.

I'd much rather eat next to Rambo’s bow then O.J.’s guilt ridden suit.

But come on… the Smithsonian?! This is bullshit!! Hell even the glove would be a better artifact.

Plus it’s dangerous to keep the Juice’s stuff. He’s currently in prison for trying to get some of his memorabilia back at gun point. You know when he gets out he’s going to come looking for that suit. And he’s a murder. If you’re standing around looking at that suit when he shows up, it’s pretty safe to say you’re going to die.

You know, I recently went and saw the King Tut exhibit here at the AGO. I was looking at all the artifacts and I was amazed at how intricate and ornate everything was and how it still looked so good after thousands of years. It made me wonder about what we have here and now that people will be looking at thousands of years from now. (Hopefully not O.J.’s fucking suit!)

Seriously. I know everyone thinks that with today’s technology and data storage capabilities we will be able to paint a great picture of what life is like today for our distant relatives but I beg to differ. People are getting stupider and stupider. (A prime example of this is the new show Your Kid Ate What? That debuted on The Learning Channel. I said THE LEARNING CHANNEL the other night.) If we all don’t do something stupid to erase all this digital information then chances are our distant off-spring will be too dumb to figure out how to retrieve and read it.


Zoolander... "In the Computer!"

Germz!!!
MySpace Video

So that only leaves tangible artifacts for future mankind to discover. What will they be? Glad you asked. I have a list.

Baby Toys

Baby toys are simplistic and designed to be chunky and unbreakable. This is so dumb babies don’t bite off and swallow bits of them (this may have something to do with why we keep getting stupider). They also will never breakdown because manufacturers have insured that no chemicals or microbes will transfer from the toy to a baby.

What will future mankind think of us when they find these?

Depending on how dumb future mankind is they will either think we were a brilliant society or a bunch of drooling mush heads obsessed with all things bright and shiny (not far off actually)

Also, do to the fact that diapers don’t seem to break down either, future mankind will also think we were all very small and prone to shitting our pants.



Those Old Giant Reeboks that Skids Wear

I still see rocker guys walking around in these. They’re those really big ones with the thick tongues that stick out and they’re often in immaculate condition. There’s no way that guys like this can be bothered out bidding some Japanese guy for a dead-stock pair on E-bay.

That means that these must be the same ones they bought in like 1984. If they’ve lasted that long there’s no reason they won’t last thousands of years.

What will future mankind think of us when they find these?

That we had very poor taste in athletic footwear and, do to ballpoint pen hieroglyphics found on many pairs, someone or something called ACDC once ruled.


Budweiser & Clamato in a Can

No one is going to drink this, so it’s just going to sit in the fridge for thousands of years.

What will future mankind think of us when they find these?

That we had no taste buds.


The Sherman Sheep dog toy from Tuffy

My dog Mutton has had this for almost 2 years and there isn’t a scratch on it. Meanwhile she’s ripped apart hundreds of other toys. This thing will burry all of mankind one day.

What will future mankind think of us when they find these?

Analysis of deep core samples taken from the sheep will indicate that we lived off a diet that consisted mainly of a cereal like substance dipped in liquefied chicken guts but that we also craved anything bacon or cheese flavored (again, not far off).



Ray Ban Wayfarer Sunglasses

When all these god damn hipsters die there’s going to be mountains of these laying around.

What will future mankind think of us when they find these?

Do to the vast quantities of Wayfarers being unearthed I’m going to assume that future mankind will see them as some sort of building material. Much like what the Doozers used on Fraggle Rock.



There you have it. That’s what people are going to be looking at in the free-floating, bio-domed Smithsonian of the future. I’d also like to mention that the only other reference point that future man kind will have of our generation is the movie Die Hard 2: Die Harder as TBS will still be playing this 3 times a week and twice on Sundays 10,000 years from now. What will future mankind think learn from Die Hard 2?

Nothing… absolutely nothing.