Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0010

I was watching 48 Hour Mysteries the other night. You know, that documentary style show with all the great computer generated fingerprint and siren graphics that takes a 10 minute true crime story and draws it out to an hour?

Yep, that’s the one. So I was watching this episode where this woman didn’t want to be with her husband anymore so she started poisoning him with arsenic.

That's arsenic? Huh, it looks like the stuff they used to cover the track with at my high school. No wonder I was never fast.

Now I know the first thing you’re probably wondering is, Where did she get the arsenic from? Well it turns out that they were both scientists, or they both went to science school together or something. I know at least he was a scientist. At one point there was a big hawk flying outside my window so I may have missed what she did but needless to say she had access to arsenic.

The hawk kind of looked like this but more bird like and less dead rapper like.

Anyway, all this talk of arsenic on the show got me thinking. Does arsenic have any practical purposes? It seems to me that it’s only used to bump people off. Are there any positive aspects of arsenic? Or did scientists just invent it so they could use it to kill people in Miss. Marple/Columbo like scenarios? Maybe scientists didn’t event it. Maybe it grows naturally and someone discovered it? I kind of wonder the same thing about strychnine as well but The Sonics have been drinking that stuff for years and they’re still around to sing about it so it can’t be all that bad.



So tell me oh wise and infinite waster of time. Tell me Magic Internet…

Question 10: What’s the deal with arsenic?

Vrrrrrrwhoooooo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Eaaaore. Eaaaaore. Ring A Ding Ding. Wrrrrrrrr. Ding!

Magic Internet Answer: Even though the matter in which you have phrased your question causes me to feel that you are getting stupider despite our weekly sessions I must admit that this may be your most straightforward and sanest question to date, a question that we can take an altogether scientific approach to. Not that I mind delving into the philosophical now and then but you would be surprised by the number of stoned individuals that interface with me on a daily basis and how quickly their pubescent bra strap fumbling attempts at philosophy can cause me to start pulling out my own circuits.

Why do they call it taking a shit when you leave it, man?

Anyhoo, let us discover exactly what the deal is with arsenic. Arsenic is a chemical compound that can be found in a wide variety of ores. Arsenic was most likely first discovered by early craftspeople but it is unlikely that they knew what it was. That said, arsenic compounds have been around since the days of Ancient Greece and Rome when arsenic sulfide was used by physicians and poisoners.

No, not that kind of Poisoner. Though what he produces could also be considered harmful.

Saint Albert Magnus is often credited with the discovery of arsenic as he was the first to record arsenic in its purest form after heating an arsenic compound together with soap. Over time arsenic has had many practical uses including insecticides, pesticides and wood strengthening. Most of these have been discontinued since the discovery of arsenic’s high toxicity. However arsenic is still used in the alloying of lead and copper and most commonly in batteries.

No, that’s not why your tongue hurt when you licked the battery out of your Alpha Probe.

As I stated before, arsenic in one form or another, has been used as an intentional poison for hundreds of years. It was highly favored for this purpose by the ruling classes of the Middle Ages and the Renaissance, most notably the Borgias. The symptoms of arsenic poisoning were similar to cholera, which was a common cause of death at the time. In the 19th century arsenic was known as inheritance powder because it was often used to speed up the process of acquiring ones inheritance.

No dad, I don’t know why your birthday hooker tasted like bitter almonds.

In ancient Korea an arsenic compound was used in the making of sayak. A poison cocktail used in capital punishment. Hmm, perhaps this could prove as the solution to the lethal injection drug shortage in US prisons. What’s that Johnny? No I don’t think the prisons could just inject the inmates with a syringe full of bleach.

JC: I don’t see why not. It’s cheap and it’s under every sink in North America. See, there it is on the left.

It is amusing that you mention using arsenic in Ms. Marple and Columbo like murder scenarios. Amusing because arsenic was a common poison in murder mystery television shows yet they always failed to show its true effects.

I dare say Miss. Marple would be keeping her gardening gloves on to check for a pulse on that one.

It looks like arsenic to me Bertie. Now if you will beg my pardon I must retire to the powder room for I feel as if I may chug up.

Probably for the best Miss Marple, you do recall what happened earlier when you were walking your dog?

What with the modern doctor’s keen eye for symptoms and easier testing, one would have to be very foolish to use arsenic as a weapon of murder and think they could get away with it these days. Most arsenic poisoning today comes from contamination of earth and water supplies. Or from ingesting seafood with a high arsenic content.

This Saturday at the Arsenik Café: Oysterfest and convulsion dance off!

And that my good friend Johnny is the deal with arsenic.

Booyaka! Thanks Magic Internet.

If your baby likes Sushi… you’re an asshole! (Japanese excluded.)

On Saturday I went to Sneaky Dee’s.

I needed to sustain my all nacho diet.

(Hey, my funeral hat!)

So I sit down in one of the skeleton booths and order my nachos and a beer.

I’m all set to be entertained by the witty banter of at least 2 decades worth of drunks scrawled all over the table and walls…

when a shrill pitched noise startles me out of my blissful pre-nacho relaxation. It’s the sound of a child. Since when are there children in Sneaky Dee’s? I don’t mean the first year of college, puke after 3 beers children either. This was the screaming, chase me around the bar toddler variety.

(This kind)

(Not this kind)

As I watched him careen past heading for the steep bathroom stairs and a possible outer body experience I thought, Who brings their kids to Sneaky Dee’s? Just take them to McDonald’s or one of those barns of gluttony like Montana’s Cook House or Boston Pizza.

(The place is disgusting but I still love this commercial.)

After my nachos I went over to Soundscapes to look at records.

But when I walk in I’m not greeted by the sound of some new 60s garage comp or Johnny Cash’s latest hits from the grave. Nope, it’s more annoying children.

Now I’m not one of these sullen individuals that hate all children (mostly). In fact there’s quite a few children I like just fine.

But I see what’s going on here and it’s not even the kids’ fault. It’s a special type of child abuse known as Trying to Raise Cool Kids.

It starts with the clothing. It’s one thing to get your kid one of those little duffel coats so he looks like Paddington Bear or even a  Baby's First Fred if you’re an old Mod but this whole punk/rock & roll baby thing is retarded.

Don't these parents know that Sid Vicious died of a heroine overdose, quite possibly murdered his girlfriend and that Johnny Rotten is a cunt?

Then there are all those awful t-shirts.

Ha, ha look at my baby’s offensive shirt. My baby’s so cool and funny! Yeah? You want to see your baby in 30 years? Look into my crystal ball…

This is your baby’s future. If you’re lucky she might also have a jet-pack or something.

Now that little Sid the pimp is all dressed up it’s time to take him out on the town. Where do they take him? Wherever they’re going because they’re selfish pricks. No wait, it’s because they want him to be cool like mommy and daddy

They take him to Yoga.

They take them to the tattoo parlor.

They take them out to the bar with them.

And they take him to rock concerts.

The way things are going the next time I go see GWAR, I’m not only going to be getting sprayed on by Oderus Urungus,

I’ll be getting a face full from Little Pirulin Pee-Pee as well.



Look parents, it doesn’t matter how much you try to transfer what you perceive to be your cool persona onto your children. They’re just going to become the opposite of everything you like when they turn 14 and start hating you. So that means if you’re a punk parent, you’re going to wind up with one of these.

And vice versa, if you’re into hip hop… you’re going to wind up with one of these.

(Possibly with a jet-pack.)

My advice is to let them be kids and enjoy their unconditional love while you can. Then if you leave them alone during their teenage years hopefully they’ll go back to respecting you and liking you and maybe even agreeing that you were cool when you were younger. Unless you were one of these.

Is that Rick or Mr. Dick?

Hello Folks. Rick Astley here.

You may recognize me from my hugely popular internet prank known as Rickrolling.

That’s where you think you’re going to see something cool or important like a naked lady. But instead you see this:



In honor of April Fool’s Day, Johnny Creep Show has asked me to come on here and introduce some of his favorite pranks from 80s movies. Now I can sing and dance in a trench coat like nobodies business but I’m not much of a talker. Being ginger makes me shy.

So without further ado, let’s see some 80s film pranks.

In Revenge of the Nerds, the nerds put liquid heat in the Alpha Beta’s jocks. (Hmm, this prank seems to sum up the entire title of the film).



Ha ha, that was a good one. Did you know that the dancer who runs up the wall and does a flip in my video wore a jock? I’m not sure why as he was so hung over during filming that he landed on his head and not his crotch, a little Ricktrivia for you there. Johnny also tells me that the part where Takashi Tosherio says, Oh! Like Salad! was not in the script. Well done Brian Tochi. You are quite the thespian

Nick the Dick from Bachelor Party is up next. I’ll have you know that back in 1987 some of the ladies referred to me as Rick the Dick. Sigh. Anyway here’s the video.

Bachelor Party - "Nick the Dick"

MaddenCowboy
MySpace Video

Ahhhh ha ha ha. Who orders a foot long hot dog at a strip club??!! Mind you, being from England I don’t know what a hot dog or a foot long is.

(You won’t fit a foot long on these.)

Here’s a gory gem. The blood and guts substitute teacher scareing prank from Summer School.



Ewww, gross. My wife Lene Bausenger is in the movie buis so I know a thing or two about special effects but that scene still gets Rick’s stomach rolling. Ha ha.

Now being an entertainer back in the 80s I was surrounded by gay men. I might even be gay myself. But apparently homophobia was as bad as ever back in the 80s and Mahone’s Blue Oyster bar prank from Police Academy makes great use of it. These two troublesome crew-cuted recruits think they’re going to a party. Instead they’re forced to dance all night with burly, mustachioed leather men. An instant classic.



For all you Torontonians out there, I’ll have you know that the outside Blue Oyster Bar scenes were filmed at The Silver Dollar on Spadina. I played the Kool Haus in Toronto last year. Good thing I didn’t ask Mahoney for directions or I’d be singing Together Forever while fox trotting with Freddie Mercury on steroids.

(Yikes!)

I know  Bob Clark's Ghost already posted this one not too long ago but Johnny says it wouldn’t be an 80s prank fest without it, the Pee Wee hooker prank from Porky’s. Think of it as being like my cover of Nat King Cole’s When I Fall In Love… something to be enjoyed over and over in all its manifestations.



Ha ha, wow. That Pee Wee fellow sure wants to get laid. He should have written Whenever You Need Somebody.

I didn’t need somebody for quite awhile after this came out, if you know what I mean. Wink, wink.

Last but not least Johnny has decided to throw us a curve ball. (He tells me that’s a baseball reference. Being English I asked him what baseball was. He started trying to tell me then we both fell asleep.) This next clip may not be from a comedy and may not have actually happened but neither did any of these other scenes when you really think about it and this is still a great prank… for a fat kid. The Barforama prank from Stand By Me.



Oh my, yuck. Johnny says that’s just reminded him of one of his favorite Garbage Pail Kids cards Barfin’ Barbara.

He says he likes how she’s reheating the barf and that he likes to think of her eating the hot barf and then barfing it up again. He also says he likes the idea of her possibly burning the roof of her mouth on her own hot barf. I’m not sure what Garbage Pail Kids are or what Johnny is talking about. In fact he kind of frightens me so I think it’s time to go. So long Creep Show readers.

Oh my one more thing. A bit of shocking late breaking news. It seems that  Pope Benedict the XVI has taken his own life as a result of this pedophilia scandle that’s been going on lately. Wow, didn’t see that coming. Rick Out.

I Hate the Olympics.

The Winter Olympics start today. Whoopty –Doo! You know what I think about that?

That about sums it up.

I think I started hating the Olympics back in High School. I didn’t see why these athletes got all this money and support from their government and community to realize there dream. What if your dream was to become an actor or a musician or a porn star? Do you think you’d get time off school to train and government funding?

(Who would put this on their baby?)

I don’t really think that way anymore. I don’t care about the athletes or even the Olympics themselves. It’s more the people that get all into them that I can’t stand.

On the news they’re so excited you’d think Jesus was coming back with Elvis under one arm and Marilyn Munroe under the other. They’ve been talking about how many sleeps it is until the Olympics begins, like it’s Christmas and today they want everyone to wear red. (I never thought I’d get another chance to wear this so soon.)

There’s nothing worse then seeing a couple holding hands in matching Olympic wear. I saw one the other day and it made my head hurt just looking at them. Thank God the games are being played on the other side of the country because if I had to see that every day for 2 weeks…



Another thing that bothers me about the Winter Olympics is the events. Does anyone really like these sports? Does anyone regularly follow speed skating or luging or skeletoning . Do these sports even exist in a professional sense beyond Olympic qualification? Does anyone care if they do? Nope. Nobody does. Until the Olympics come around and then it’s I want my country to be the best at that weird sport I don’t know anything about and never watch. Wooo Hooo! Go Canada! Go!

Seriously?

So how could the Olympics become more appealing to me? Let’s think.

1) Three words: all nude Olympics.



Weren’t they all nude in the original Olympics in Rome? Well they should do it again. The uniforms the athletes wear are getting tighter and skimpier with every games. Get rid of them all together. The cold will make the athletes go faster and work harder and it would give new meaning to the term double helicopter in ski jumping.

2) More entries like this.



And this.



3) Let trained animals compete.

Did anyone see that show Man Vs Beast on Fox many years ago? It had like 50 midgets playing tug-o-war with an elephant and it had a hot dog eating completion between Japanese hot dog champ Kobayashi and a bear!

I can’t begin to tell you how much I love this.

4) Include more of those hopeless but amusing loser competitors like Eddie the Eagle and The Jamaican Bob Sled Team. Who doesn’t like Cool Runnings?



5) Go a step further and have an all untrained Olympics.



Look at all the great programming reality television has brought us by allowing regular schlubs to showcase their singing and dancing skills. Just take a bunch of morons off the street and say Ok, you’re going to Speed Skate, you’re going to luge and here’s some skis and a rifle you’re in the biathalon. It would be like a live action version of America’s Funniest Home Videos. Yes!

So there you go Olympic committee or Greek Gods or who ever oversees the Olympics 5 great ways to keep future Olympics from sucking. If you need more I’ll be in the tub.

P.S. Have you seen the medals they’re giving out this year?

Who designed these things, an 8 year old that lives near the train tracks?

P.P.S. On the subway platform today I heard someone say Happy Olympics to her friend as they said good bye. Happy Olympics??!! This is bullshit!

Computers: Weird Science

Weird Science was on TV yesterday.

Safe to say that I watched it. When the Geek starts preaching, I have to take a pew.

Weird Science is a classic example of what people believed computers were capable of in the 80s. With the help of movies and television people thought that all you needed was enough geeky computer know-how and you could make a Commodore 64 do anything (this theory still exists today but it only pertains to the latest Apple product).

(Am I the only one that thinks having a giant iphone that isn’t even a phone is retarded?)

The whole magical computer thing was something that happened over and over in the 80s.

Revenge of the Nerds did it:

Electric Dreams did it:

And don’t even get me started on Automan:

It’s hilarious to see how computers have developed in television and movies over the past three decades. The 1980s computers were no better then a modern day calculator yet people believed they were capable of absolutely anything. All you had to do was mention the word hologram and people believed you could create anything out of thin fucking air.

In the 90s computers suddenly became important to everyone. That’s when it lost its wonder and became boring. We all had to sit through those dramatic 90s movies and TV shows with the suspenseful computer scenes.

I could also say something about the movie You’ve Got Mail but just thinking about it makes me throw up in my mouth a bit.

In the new millennium we went back to thinking computers were amazing again but being a bit more grounded about it. That’s because the technology finally came along that made the average computer capable of doing amazing things. Of course that technology is completely lost on all the people that thought computers were magic in the 80s. Now you have to sit around listening to parents say things like I barely know how to turn the thing on and my 5 year old son is uploading his own videos to Youtube Hahahahahahaha (x 5 other adults). 

Yep the 2000s have seen the movie computer become the tool of kids and teens, pretty much the same people that used it in the 80s. But today’s weird scientists are less science and more weird.

P.S. When I was a kid I watched that episode of Automan where he goes undercover as a stripper. After seeing that I decided that I wanted to be a stripper. I went into my room, dressed up as Zorro, came back downstairs and striped seductively to my underwear in front of my mom and my sister.