5 Parenting tips from The Learning Channel

Last night I watched an episode of Toddlers in Tiaras on TLC.



I know, I know but I can’t help it. TLC is like a shoe box in a stairwell with Dead Baby written in magic marker on it. You have to look! Each time I think there is no lower point for humanity, TLC finds one and makes a show about it. Here is what I learned from Toddlers in Tiaras.

1) If you let a child do anything it wants, it will still be sucking on a pacifier at the age of 4.

Yes, one of the toddlers had a pacifier that she called Ni Ni. If she didn’t have it she would scream and throw a tantrum. The mother shrugged it off and said, She’s a diva. I let her do whatever she wants. It’s easier that way. Now, I’m no Dr. Spock but it seems to me that once they’re walking properly and speaking in complete sentences you’ve got to take away the soother. How ironic would it be for mommy’s little beauty queen to wind up as a 40 year old infantilist still sucking on a dummy?

It would be like she mentally aged in reverse. Suck on that Benjamin Button!

2) Some parents let their kids drink Red Bull

There was one 6 year old girl that started her morning with a can of Red Bull and was on her third before the pageant even started! Her mom said that the girl had trouble getting going in the morning and that she liked to give her daughter Red Bull to keep her energy up. What is she a homicide detective catching a 3 AM stiff or a 40 year old gay hairdresser on a Saturday morning? That’s one of the things we all envy most about little kids. There unlimited energy. No kid needs Red Bull.

3) It’s a lot easier to give your 6 year old a spray tan if you buy your own machine.

All the kids in the pageant had spray tans. Women get spray tans because they think they look sexy.

Women get their pageant daughters spray tans because they have crippling emotional and self image issues and must live vicariously through their children.



One pageant mother bought her own spray tan kit so she could spray her daughter at home. She said it was easier than going to a salon and the daughter liked it too because she could dry off on the backyard trampoline instead of sitting in the salon reading. I’d like to chip in that it’s also good practice for her future profession.

4) You can get your child dentures to hide their unsightly baby teeth.

Yeah, that’s right. I watched a girl get fitted with child partial dentures to give her a big beautiful set of adult teeth in her tiny head. They call them Flippers and it makes all the girls look like a cross between Garry Busey and Fire Marshall Bill.

This:

Plus this:

Equals this:

5) It’s perfectly fine for a 6 year old to grind her ass on stage as long as you call it Hip Hop Dancing

This was probably one of the most disturbing things in the show. (And that’s saying something!) I’m not even going to search for a video of it to post just in case the cops bust down my door and I have to give them that research excuse like Pete Townsend. Basically it was little girls in crop tops and short skirts on stage bumping and grinding like they were Hot Gossip.



They referred to it on the show as Hip Hop Dancing. I think it was just a ploy so that if anyone took offence to it and tried to ban it from the pageants they could just label that person a racist.

Pageant Judge: They’re not trying to be sexy you ignorant fool. They’re just a stunning group of little white 6 year old girls celebrating black culture. Now I’d ask that you kindly leave event room C of the Holiday Inn and take your racist opinions with you. Good day.

Ha, nice try. I don’t recall Sir Mix A Lot having any toddlers in his videos. Right Mix?

Right Johnny. My Anaconda don’t want none unless you got legal age buns hun!

Good Day to you too. Come on Chief Boot Knocker. Let’s go get some buttermilk biscuits.

Why crazy ladies should stick to owning cats.

Have any of you seen the show Extreme Poodles? It’s a documentary/reality type show where lonely/cruel/insane women take this:

And turn it into this:

Yes, that’s a poodle. Yes, that’s a Ninja Turtle. And yes, TLC has a show about it.



It’s kind of like that other show Toddlers & Tiaras but instead of giving off a creepy pedophile vibe, Extreme Poodles gives off more of a sad Humane Society commercial vibe.

Kind of like this but with a pink Mohawk.

The crazy ladies are allowed to dye the poodles beforehand but all the shaving and attachment of dollar store items must take place during the competition. One lady was shaving her dog for so long that it couldn’t stay awake anymore and she had to take it out of the competition. He was probably tired out from all the fun he had during the 7 hour drive to the competition in his crate or the long walks he took all night around the single bed at the Monte Carlo Inn.

One hilarious spectator had a great idea for keeping the dogs awake. He kept squeaking a squeaker toy in the audience while they dogs were being groomed. Then all the dogs would turn their heads and the groomers would mess up the haircuts. All the ladies got pissed and started complaining so security went looking for him. I wonder if they tased him?

See how YOU like it.

The most bizarre part of the show though was when the crazy ladies would unveil their masterpieces. This involved sort of a cross between a fashion show, a beauty pageant and a diorama competition.

The crazy ladies got dressed up with their dogs and put on a little show where they announced the dog. Some of them danced around and some of them had weird display tables and backgrounds.

Like this:

And this:

And, good god, this:

The worst one was a poodle that was dyed and shaved to look like a buffalo and then they shaved a 3D Indian face into the side of it (you can see a few flashes of it in the video). The crazy ladies came out dressed as Indians and I think they said something about it evoking the native spirit. I’m not really sure because the TV was shaking do to all the buried natives in North America spinning in their graves.

If this ground’s a rockin’, TLC’s a mockin’.

Yep, to sum it up TLC’s Extreme Poodles is pretty crazy. How crazy? Well… crazier then Denim Huggies.

I wonder if Depends makes tuxedo ones for my wedding day?

But still not as crazy as what Japan do with poodles.

Feels like an Arbys night.

Last year a place called O.Noir  opened in Toronto. It’s a restaurant where you choose your meal before hand and then eat in complete darkness and all the wait staff that serve you are blind. It’s supposed to heighten your other senses so you enjoy the food more and let you experience what it’s like to be blind. Kind of like the opposite of Hooters (unenjoyable food + ogling = Hooters).

(She could be serving you and you’d never know)

I haven’t been to O.Noir yet but I kind of want to go. I like the idea of themed restaurants. They’re dinner and a show. They’re like Chuck E. Cheese for grown ups.



In Japan there’s a restaurant called Nyotaimori (which means female body presentation). Usually this refers to that thing where you eat sushi of a naked lady.

(I wonder if you can get a cheaper one where you eat shrimps off a midget?)

This is the Japanease equivalent of Filmore’s 10 ounce steak and a face dance special.

But at Nyotaimori they actually make you a fake dead body to eat.

Apparently the skin is dough and inside is edible organs and red stuff. I bet there’s chocolate mousse in the butt.

Speaking of butt mousse, you can actually get it at the Taiwanese restaurant Modern Toilet.

It’s a toilet themed restaurant where you sit on toilets.

You also eat out of toilets and drink out of urinals.

It’s disgusting.

I’ve eaten at a toilet themed restaurant right here in Toronto. The Popeyes Chicken on Yonge St.

In New York they have a restaurant called Ninja. It’s decorated like 15th century Japan and your food is made and served to you by Ninjas.



How much do you tip a Ninja? If it’s too little he may feel dishonored and kill himself. I’d go with 20%.

(This guy works the fryer)

Maybe I should open up a themed restaurant. I’ve got some good ideas.

Sheepypalooza’s

This would be a restaurant where you dine with sheep dogs. Lots of sheep dogs. Like 50 or so. I get to eat with my sheep dog Mutton everyday and it’s lots of fun. Imagine sitting down to a fine meal while being surrounded by sheep dogs. It would be like eating in a Dulux commercial.



Maybe I could train them to bring you your food or your check or something. But probably not.

White Trashiteria

This would be my white trash themed restaurant. All the waiters would be in wife beaters or shirtless and they’d sit in chairs drinking, smoking and watching TV. As the customer you’d have to scream and yell at them to come take your order. (My take on the rude French waiter.)

(the Matradee)

Here’s an example of a Prixe Fixie meal at the White Trashiteria

Starter
(Tuh shut you up till mom gets home from her job goin door to door sellin Bump-Its.)

Your choice of:

Triscuits with mustard on them

or

1 uncooked hot dog, cut up with ketchup.

Main Course

Your choice of:

Kraft dinner served in the pot it was cooked in. (Please respect our menu and do not ask for ketchup.)

or

The Bacon Bit Buddy. (Imitation bacon bits, ketchup and butter between 2 Wonder bread slices. Microwaved until hot.)

Dessert

Your choice of

1 single serving rice pudding can. (Our waiters remove the pudding can lid at your table to insure freshness.)

or

The invisible McDonald’s Sundae (After much begging from you one of our waiters will agree to go out and get you a McDonald’s Sundae only to return hours or days later looking disheveled and without the Sundae ).

The interior decor would be akin to several trailers pushed together. Once a night the toilets overflow and the trailers are jacked up to keep the erupting toilet water from ruinin the shag allowing diners the entertaining sensation of eating on a slant.



Hoarders

This would be a chain of family fun themed restaurants based on the hit show Hoarders.



Each restaurant would be located in the house of an actual hoarder.

Mom and dad can relax in the dinning room.

While the kids explore and find treasures like:

Misplaced loaded firearms.

Desiccated deceased pets.

Jars of your hoarder hosts own body fluids.

Hoarders has a fully stalked kitchen.

Just be sure to eat up quick as the resident hoarder will be screaming and crying and trying to stop you as they have an emotional attachment to the food your eating do to some tragic past event in their life.

(Check please!)

Oh and don’t forget to pick up something from the gift shop.

So what do you think? Am I the next big restaurant mogul or what?



P.S. This is post number 69... lunch time!

The Littlepeople Channel

A while back I wrote about how CGI was putting stuntmen, ugly actors and midgets out of work. Well scratch the last one. Midgets are making money hand over stubby fist.

(shudder)

It’s all thanks to The Learning Channel. I don’t know what’s going on with that station but their head of programming must be a midget obsessed freak because they just keep churning out midget shows. Did you know they now have five different shows about Little People!! What the tiny fuck??!!

First there’s Little People Big World.

This one is the mother ship. LPBW started it all. This is the one with the midget parents that have one midget son, two regular sons and a regular daughter. They live on a hobby farm and sell pumpkins or something (sounds like something Gnomes would do). I used to watch this show. My favorite episode is when they travel to the Little People Convention and you get to see them all dancing. It would have been even better if the floor opened up and this guy started throwing shapes.



I stopped watching because I always thought the dad was kind of an asshole. Turns out I was right. He was arrested for DUI.

Oh and also I was jealous that the regular brother got to wear all these cool Dwarf shirts with impunity.

Then there’s The Little Couple.

(Who would get this on DVD?!)

I’ve only seen this show a couple times. From what I can tell they’re basically your typical annoying upper-middle class couple except they’re both freaky small (under 4 feet). If I remember right they’re planning to move from New York to somewhere down south and buy a house. This is sure to be a hit with all the calf brained TLC viewers because it takes so many shows that they already watch (wedding shows, travel shows, home buying shows, home renovation shows) and make them more entertaining by adding midgets. Now you get to ooh and ahh over someone putting a marble counter top in their kitchen and then you get the added novelty that it’s being installed 3 feet off the ground. Plus little things are always cuter then big things. Who ever came up with this concept is a TV mastermind.

Next there’s Our Little Life.



This seems to be about a midget couple that have a regular size baby. All I can say after watching that clip is that the mother seems like a total bitch and I liked this concept better when it was called Honey I Blew Up the Kid.



There’s also Dwarf Adoption Story.

I saw this one last week. It’s about a Dwarf couple that travel to Albania to adopt another dwarf child. The mother dwarf already has a dwarf child from a previous relationship (with a huge black guy, they showed a picture)but I guess they want another. They try to make a big deal out of how Albania is so non-dwarf friendly . Yeah, neither is anywhere else last time I checked. Except maybe Kunming, China.



From what I saw of Albania on the show, it didn’t seem much different then North America. A little more run down maybe and every man under 50 seemed to smoke and have a crew cut.

(typical Albanian)

And last but not least we have The Little Chocolatiers .

A show about midgets that run a chocolate shop.Seriously? The Little Chocolatiers! This is about as close as you’re going to get to watching real live Oompa Loompas.



So what is it with all these midget shows? Are they for all those out of work midgets laid off by George Lucas that are just sitting around watching TV all day? I’m surprised they didn’t have a live broadcast of Ping Ping’s funeral.

(1988-2010 RIP)

All I know is that they’re taking the spotlight away from what real midget talent we have left. Like Weng Weng.



P.S. Do all these little guys have double names or what?