On the seventh day of Jheepsmas some loser gave to me...

Twas the night before Christmas.

And all through the mall,

Not a female was stirring.

It was was wall to wall balls.

That's right dudes. It's the last shopping day of Christmas. The day when only the truly saddest of the male species done their Santa hats.

Why do so many lame guys go shopping in Santa hats anyway? I think they're the same guys that start sporting shorts in March. Their female equivalent is the Halloween devil horn office girl.

And prepare to rage their way through the mall to obtain some half recalled Christmas wish for their significant other that they're sure to get wrong if it's not already sold out.

What are you talking about?! It's totally an iPhone, look!!

Well what if I told you that you didn't have to go out shopping today? What if I told you that you could sit right there and watch the endless reruns of Family Guy (that you don't want to watch but will) and not spend a penny this Christmas? I know it sounds unbelievable but for a large percentage of you guys out there, it's true. You can give the girl in your life the greatest gift of all this Christmas and it will only take you 5 minutes and you won't loose a cent. Just go into the bathroom. Turn on the light. Pick up your razor. And shave that stupid facial hair you have off!

She doesn't like it. I know she says she does but she doesn't, trust me.

So you with the beard!

Lose it! I know she says it makes you look manly but it bothers her when you kiss and it smells like your lunch. And thanks to guys like you this exists.

Shave it. Shave it now. And don't even think about mentioning Zach Galifianakis or you're shaving it dry.

And you with the mustache!

It's had its day. Every man needs to grow one now and then but Movember is over and it's time to move on. If you really wish to reinvent yourself as a Victorian English cad get a subscription to the Chap and learn to do it whole assed. Thanks to guys like you Urban Outfitters has an entire page of moustache related products.

Mr. Goatee... I'm looking your way.

Come on man. Even you know this is wrong. Do you know why they call it a goatee? Because it makes you look like a goat! Or some sort of goat/man. WOmen don't want to be with a goat/man. Remember Goat Boy? Remember how lame he was?

Shudder.

Yeah that's you. Unless you're a bass player in a speed metal band where a goatee is a requirement, it's time to shave.

And finally we come to you soul patch. 

I see you sitting back there, snapping your fingers. That thing makes you look like you like jazz. There's nothing wrong with liking jazz. Only everyone hates people that like jazz. Don't be the jazz guy. I'm 99.9% sure you're girlfriend doesn't like jazz guys. And if she does, she's going to leave you for an actual jazz guy and then you're going to complain to all your friends that your girlfriend dumped you for a complete douche. One small sweep of the Bic can change all that.

Don't fight it guys. You know it's long overdue. And Just follow the instructions in this slightly homoerotic video that in no way promotes Gillette.

And have a very hairless Christmas.

I hate art students.

This past year I went from working down in the financial district to up near a local art college.

(War of the Worlds meets Screech’s wardrobe)

I don’t mind the change of scenery. Instead of looking at ruddy faced business men with their starch-shirted guts hanging out like a bag of milk,

I now get to look at Lady Ga Ga angled haircuts and guys wearing girls pants.

(I see a lot of this)

Nauseating? Yes, but at least they have an excuse. Cutting your bangs every day and dressing like Pee Wee Herman in Star Wars is just an expression of their artistic individuality. I mean how can you be a great artist if you go around dressed like a bore? Hell, if I was an artist I’d make sure everyone new it. I’d wear this.

Then I saw some of their art.

(Artist’s rendition of typical student art)

Every day I see them lugging their masterpieces to class. I see half-painted fantasy dragons too poor to make it onto the back of a 1970s jean jacket never mind a boogey van.

I see graffiti inspired canvases so uninspired they could have been in a Fresh Prince Video

I see portraits so void of basic artistic skill that they wouldn’t even be displayed in Value Village.

And these are just the students that are trying to go the route of the technically gifted artist. It gets even worse with the conceptual or contemporary art students. A while back I saw a 4’ x 6’ colour painting depicting Beethoven with large stylized black and white ears side by side with Stevie Wonder with large stylized black and white eyes. Just thinking about it even now makes me want to bash my own head with a rock.

I just don’t understand the concept of the art student. I don’t think being a good artist is something you can teach. Breakdancing maybe but art no.



I think being a successful artist is a combination of talent and marketing. Neither of which you’re going to obtain from attending art school. Who’s teaching those classes anyway? I’ll tell you who, failed artists. And their students are going to wind up just like them. They’re essentially paying the school money to prolong their failure.

(You don’t see Keith Haring teaching a bunch of scrawny little hacks the finer points of art and design… and not just because he died of AIDS 20 years ago.)

Look, if you want to be an artist you don’t have to go to school to do it. If you want to be a painter, paint. If you want to be a sculptor, sculpt. If you want to be whatever makes this…

You get the idea. Here I’ll even get you started with a conceptual art project.

Step 1) Go get $240

Step 2) Eat it.

Step 3) Digest.

Step 4) Shit in a jar.

Step 5) Call it Purple Ugg Boots

Ta Da! You’re an artist.

I've got a case of the Jheeps!

I’m sure you’ve all heard the word Schadenfreude before. It’s a German word that describes deriving pleasure from the misfortune of others. Like when someone gets hit in the balls and we all laugh.

But I want to know if there is a word for another feeling I get from time to time.

See I was flipping through the TV guide the other day and I saw that Bravo or some channel was showing a live performance by Fiest. You know, that irritating 1234 ipod woman.

Now my first thought was Wow, people still want to see her? And then I started thinking about that 1234 song and how popular it was. Then I started picturing young hipster couples in their condos or town homes having a romantic evening while listening to Fiest, making out and having sex while listening to 1234.

(the morning after)

Needless to say this gave me a creepy feeling that was something between anger, shame and embarrassment. But I wasn’t angry, ashamed or embarrassed at myself. The image that I had conjured up was so lame that it made me uncomfortable to picture it. That is the feeling I’m talking about. Let me give you a few more examples.

Witnessing someone getting married while dressed as Admiral Ackbar.

Attending a serious Air Guitar contest.



Looking at Donald Trump’s hair.

Watching Corky sing Fight the Power in that episode of Life Goes on.



Watching any episode of Ready or Not.



If you’re not getting the feeling after all that then you are not human. Go power down for the rest of this post.

So is there a word for this feeling? I’ve been looking around and the closest I can find is the term vicarious shame. But that’s two words and I want it to be one. Looks like I’m going to have to make the word myself. Cue the montage.



Whew. Ok the new word is Jheeps. It’s short for the Johnny Creeps. Don’t like it? Too bad! My feeling, my word. I can’t say I’m in love with it either but I can’t think of anything better. Probably because I can’t stop thinking about that Corky video.

So now when you’re sitting around and someone switches the TV to an old SNL rerun and oh god it’s a Chris Kattan sketch.

You can say Change it! That little fucker is so lame he’s giving me the Jheeps!

I was going to post a video of a Chris Kattan sketch but I can’t bear to watch one either. So instead here’s a video of Tom Servo making fun of Chris Kattan. Enjoy.

Yippie Kay Yay Smithsonian!

I read in the news this morning that the suit that O. J. Simpson wore to court on the day he was acquitted is going to be donated to the Smithsonian.

For fuck’s sake, are they serious?! Are we really that hard up for artifacts? This seems like something that should be auctioned off on e-bay and eventually bought for some ridicules sum by a casino.

Golden Palace bought this for $10,000

Or it should be hanging over my head at Planet Hollywood while I eat a shitty $15.00 burger.

I'd much rather eat next to Rambo’s bow then O.J.’s guilt ridden suit.

But come on… the Smithsonian?! This is bullshit!! Hell even the glove would be a better artifact.

Plus it’s dangerous to keep the Juice’s stuff. He’s currently in prison for trying to get some of his memorabilia back at gun point. You know when he gets out he’s going to come looking for that suit. And he’s a murder. If you’re standing around looking at that suit when he shows up, it’s pretty safe to say you’re going to die.

You know, I recently went and saw the King Tut exhibit here at the AGO. I was looking at all the artifacts and I was amazed at how intricate and ornate everything was and how it still looked so good after thousands of years. It made me wonder about what we have here and now that people will be looking at thousands of years from now. (Hopefully not O.J.’s fucking suit!)

Seriously. I know everyone thinks that with today’s technology and data storage capabilities we will be able to paint a great picture of what life is like today for our distant relatives but I beg to differ. People are getting stupider and stupider. (A prime example of this is the new show Your Kid Ate What? That debuted on The Learning Channel. I said THE LEARNING CHANNEL the other night.) If we all don’t do something stupid to erase all this digital information then chances are our distant off-spring will be too dumb to figure out how to retrieve and read it.


Zoolander... "In the Computer!"

Germz!!!
MySpace Video

So that only leaves tangible artifacts for future mankind to discover. What will they be? Glad you asked. I have a list.

Baby Toys

Baby toys are simplistic and designed to be chunky and unbreakable. This is so dumb babies don’t bite off and swallow bits of them (this may have something to do with why we keep getting stupider). They also will never breakdown because manufacturers have insured that no chemicals or microbes will transfer from the toy to a baby.

What will future mankind think of us when they find these?

Depending on how dumb future mankind is they will either think we were a brilliant society or a bunch of drooling mush heads obsessed with all things bright and shiny (not far off actually)

Also, do to the fact that diapers don’t seem to break down either, future mankind will also think we were all very small and prone to shitting our pants.



Those Old Giant Reeboks that Skids Wear

I still see rocker guys walking around in these. They’re those really big ones with the thick tongues that stick out and they’re often in immaculate condition. There’s no way that guys like this can be bothered out bidding some Japanese guy for a dead-stock pair on E-bay.

That means that these must be the same ones they bought in like 1984. If they’ve lasted that long there’s no reason they won’t last thousands of years.

What will future mankind think of us when they find these?

That we had very poor taste in athletic footwear and, do to ballpoint pen hieroglyphics found on many pairs, someone or something called ACDC once ruled.


Budweiser & Clamato in a Can

No one is going to drink this, so it’s just going to sit in the fridge for thousands of years.

What will future mankind think of us when they find these?

That we had no taste buds.


The Sherman Sheep dog toy from Tuffy

My dog Mutton has had this for almost 2 years and there isn’t a scratch on it. Meanwhile she’s ripped apart hundreds of other toys. This thing will burry all of mankind one day.

What will future mankind think of us when they find these?

Analysis of deep core samples taken from the sheep will indicate that we lived off a diet that consisted mainly of a cereal like substance dipped in liquefied chicken guts but that we also craved anything bacon or cheese flavored (again, not far off).



Ray Ban Wayfarer Sunglasses

When all these god damn hipsters die there’s going to be mountains of these laying around.

What will future mankind think of us when they find these?

Do to the vast quantities of Wayfarers being unearthed I’m going to assume that future mankind will see them as some sort of building material. Much like what the Doozers used on Fraggle Rock.



There you have it. That’s what people are going to be looking at in the free-floating, bio-domed Smithsonian of the future. I’d also like to mention that the only other reference point that future man kind will have of our generation is the movie Die Hard 2: Die Harder as TBS will still be playing this 3 times a week and twice on Sundays 10,000 years from now. What will future mankind think learn from Die Hard 2?

Nothing… absolutely nothing.

Case of the Mondays Numero Uno: Hipsters.

Welcome to the first (and probably last) installment of Case of the Mondays.

Today’s topic suggested by “Anonymous“ was chosen by default as it was the only topic suggested (Gee guys, nice effort). So without further ado…



HIPSTERS

What can I say about hipsters that hasn’t already been complained by just about everybody? Well first off I should address the Toronto hipsters of Queen St W. These people aren’t even real hipsters. I’ve been to Williamsburg and I’ve seen the genuine articles. It’s kind of like seeing an animal in the wild versus an animal at the zoo. They seem more comfortable and more confident in their own New York environment. The real New York hipsters have a sassy drag queen quality to Toronto’s forced to dress like a woman by my cellmate look.







Is that making any sense? Maybe I’m being too abstract. Maybe I should try another approach. Let’s say that NY Hipsters are hippies. Not a far stretch really (Self-righteous? Check. Freeloading? Check. High all the time? That’s a check). The one thing the NY Hipsters have going for them is that they’re the genuine article. They were at Woodstock, if you catch my drift. That makes the Toronto hipsters just Deadheads or even worse Phisheads! And that’s just sad.

But where did hipsters come from? They’re a fairly new phenomenon as far as pop culture goes. I’m no expert but I do have a theory. I believe that hipsters evolved out of Vice Magazine.

Now I know that Vice has been on a steady decline ever since they moved to New York but in its hey day Vice was like a bible for the young and cool. Their Dos section told girls that if they wanted to give guys “instant boners” all they had to do was pair slim jeans with heels. Meanwhile they were telling guys to drop the metro-sexual tan and faux-hawk, get some tats, grow a beard and pick up a Pabst. There was one article in particular that was a breakdown of what the ultimate Do guy and girl were like. It essentially described (one evolution) of the hipster to a tee. I wish I could find that article online to post it but I do remember that Vice made dolls based on it that they sold in their store.

One can argue that Vice didn’t create hipsters so much as just reported on what they saw on the streets. Even if they didn’t it can’t be denied that Vice had a hand at selling hipsterdom to the masses. That appears to be their final gift to the world before they faded away into unimportance. And maybe Vice had good intentions. I mean girls in tight jeans and heels do look good. Some guys look good with a beard. Pabst Blue ribbon isn’t that bad for a cheap beer. I’m more of a Lucky Lager guy myself but that might have less to do with it being a good beer and more to do with that scene with Brad Pitt in Kalifornia.







By the way have you seen Brad Pitt’s beard lately?

It’s like he’s trying to make himself ugly. Like some kind of experiment.



A lot of people begin things with good intentions. Dr. Oppenheimer, Dr. Frankenstein, and Tom Arnold’s dad are just a few that come to mind. And like these men of science, Vice were forced to watch their creation grow into a twisted monster.



The jeans became skinnier and more garish.

Pssst. Did you know guys wear these?!



The tattoos became more plentiful and meaningless

And the facial hair… have seen what’s going on with that?!

But worst of all is the scarves. Those FUCKING scarves!

It’s all enough to make you want to clean the chunks of Tom Arnold off your pitch fork and round up the townsfolk.







And that’s all I have to say about that.

Ok. We'll try this one more time. Leave your topic ideas for next week's Case of the Mondays in the comments section below. Capiche?