Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 52: Return of the Magic Internet!!!

Hey guys. Long time since I tapped at ya. Anyway, I was wondering what you eat for breakfast? If you’re a student you’re probably partial to left over pizza.

Mmm, the Tillsonburg special.

Don’t forget the Parmesan.

And if you’re a baby spending Saturday morning with your weekend dad then you probably get this:

Plus this:

Mixed in this:

And if this is your dad:

Then you’re having this:

Do to my Scottish upbringing I like the good old fry up for breakfast.

The basic fry up consists of eggs, beans bacon and a fried slice. Some people add sausage, fried mushrooms or fried tomatoes. Being Scottish I like to add black pudding and a potato scone to mine. The fry up is so popular that it even comes readymade in can form.

It doesn’t get much better than that.

But sometimes I wonder what people in other countries eat for breakfast. I mean I love trying foreign and exotic food for lunch and dinner but when it comes to breakfast it’s got to be dried blood and oatmeal in a sausage casing fried up with a bunch of other crap. But maybe I’m missing out. Only one way to know for sure...

Question 52: What do people in other countries eat for breakfast?



Magic Internet Answer: Hmm. Your posing of a somewhat interesting and intelligent question almost makes up for ignoring me for the past month. I will assume that you do not want a list of what is consumed post-brief-ritual-huminoid-hibernation in every single country. Even though it would take me nanoseconds to do it, it would take your puny human brain hours to read it. So I have decided to educate you on the breakfast cuisine of countries who’s food you already enjoy consuming later in the day. Let us begin with China.

I just assume everyone in China eats this for every meal. Done.

Actually sweet and sour chicken balls are rarely heard of in China. Most Chinese prefer to eat noodles and dim sum for breakfast. Zongzi is also very popular.Zongi is made from a gluttonous rice mixed with a filling (usually meat or bean paste) wrapped in a bamboo leaf and steamed. There are Zongi stalls all over China selling hot zongi just like hot dog stalls in your country.

Hmmm. I’m picturing this.

In India rice is also a staple at breakfast. Many Indians eat Idly (steamed rice cakes) or pongal (a mildly spiced rice porridge). In northern India samosas are also a common breakfast food.

If I was an Indian teenager I’d wear this t-shirt to bed and then just point at it when my mom tried to wake me up in the morning.

In Mexico breakfast is called el desayuno and the types of foods consumed are more in line with your idea of a traditional breakfast. Eggs are popular, as are standard commercial breakfast cereals. Tortilas are usally served instead of toast though. And Mexican breakfasts tend to be much spicier then their neighbors to the north. A tripe stew called menudo has also become a breakfast staple in Mexico due to it being a folk remedy for a hangover.

Tripe, huh? That’s a cow’s stomach lining isn’t it?

Still sound better than this Menudo

The Italian’s keep breakfast very simple. Breakfast in Italy is usually just coffee or milk and coffee with a pastry or biscotti, or sometimes tramezzino. Tramezzino is a white bread sandwich filled with things like tuna, eggs, mayo, tomato or ham.

Ha, ha, that’s not Italian breakfast. This is Italian breakfast.



And finally I bet you are wondering what they eat for breakfast in Japan. It is after all the land of the rising sun. A Japanese breakfast usually consists of rice, seafood and fermented foods. It may also contain food left over from the night before and raw eggs.

Raw eggs and leftovers? Japanese breakfast is basically Rocky meets Uncle Buck Uncle Buck Well thanks Magic Internet. That was very informative. I feel like I’ve just rolled out of bed with half the world.

Yeah, kinda like you but at least they all made me breakfast.

Hey one more thing. I bet you don’t know what Shooter McGavin eats for breakfast? He eats shit!



Check ya later.

Meatloaf, meatloaf, double beatloaf!

The other night I watched a pretty decent documentary on the Montreal punk scene called MTL PUNK: The First Wave. It was pretty good. You should check it out if you’re into that sort of thing. And during the commercials I also saw this.




Talk about a bonus feature! Here is what we have learned in just 2 minutes:

- There are people out there that can’t cook meatloaf.

Actually that doesn’t surprise me.

- There are people out there that have paid $40 for a meatloaf pan.

- Billy Mays is back from the dead and he’s bald!

And if he’s anything like Jason from Friday the 13th his future reincarnations are only going to get worse.

- This meatloaf pan is so amazing you don’t even need oven mitts!

- There are people out there that make themed meatloafs.

I wonder how that meatloaf recipe book is laid out.

Geographically?

Chinese meatloaf anyone?

Italian?

Or how about a California cheeseburger?

Maybe they’ve got a section for special occasions.

Handy for Halloween.

And Christmas. (Santa says Billy gets the chedder stump end piece this year.)

Birthdays.

Prom night.

And if you’re Polynesian…

Happy Fattening Day son.

I bet there’s something in there that even Randy would like.

How about an inflatable meatloaf Randy?

 

Wow! Whoopy! A Zeppelin!

Annnnnnnnd I'm done.

Hi, I’m Jerry O’Connell.

But you all know me as the fat kid from Stand By Me.

No not the pie barfing one. The other one.

That’s the one. That chubby bugger is me.

 As the fat kid from Stand By Me Johnny Creepshow has asked me to come on here today and relay an important message to my fellow Americans. It would appear that we’re becoming quite the pants loads.

For those of you with digits to lard laden to click on the link or for those of you that can’t stop picturing the McRib long enough to read the article, allow me to give you the gist of it. This month a study was released highlighting America’s downward spiral into obesity in the past 20 years. In 1991 there was not a single state with an obesity rate over 20%. Now more than two-thirds of our united states are at rates above 25 percent. In a chocolate covered deep fried nutshell America is just getting fatter and fatter.

It no doubt cost several million dollars for a team of scientists to bring you this information.

Even though this team could have told you for minimum wage and a promise not to be scheduled this Saturday.

Now you can point your dialing wand at all sorts of reasons for this unprecedented blimp-out. Big business’ control over the country’s food sources, the lack of nutritional standards in school cafeterias, the existence of fried cola. I’m no dietitian or socio-economical expert; I’m the fat kid from Stand By Me. So I’m not going to get into it. Besides, I’m too busy being amused by the fact that a large percentage of my countrymen now resemble what was once a sideshow attraction.

This is Chauncey Morlan. 100 years ago he was considered so fat that people would pay money just to look at him.

Here’s a collection of pictures taken from the first page of a Google Image search for typical American:

Wow! Don’t go asking Madam Ruby to rub her crystal ball and send you into the future Chauncy. You’ll be out of a job.

Actually that’s not true. You can still be a cop.

But here’s what really worries me about America. If these rates continue to rise, we are in serious danger of becoming uncool. There was a time when America set the standard for cool. Remember these guys?

But how is America going to remain cool when we’re all fat? The fat kid is never cool. That’s one thing a lifetime of appearing in bad movies and sitcoms has taught me. Sure you might get to make out with the occasional hot drunk chick in the end or smirk at Chad the bully when he crashes his hot rod or falls in the mud but cool? No. No way. Vern Tessio was never cool. You don’t even know who that is do you? That was the name of the fat kid from Stand By Me!

See. Not cool.

But worry not my beefy patriots. The unfathomable wealth I obtained from playing coked up cans hound Joe Francis Derrick Jones in Piranha 3D last year has given me a lot of free time. And I decided to spend some of it researching ways in which fat Americans can still be cool.

Become a chef.

In the world of culinary arts fat equals experience. People look at a fat chef and think Hmm, he must know what he’s doing. Look at the size of him. Get yourself some funky glasses and a few tattoos and you could be the next Graham Elliot.

Become a Gangster Rapper.



Some of the coolest guys in the rap business are also the fattest.

There’s Big Pun.

Fat Joe.

Notorious B.I.G.

And let’s not forget Heavy D.

And the best part about being a fat rapper is that you don’t even have to worry about the long term effects of your obesity because you’re probably just going to get shotanyways. So all you need to do is brush up on your rhymes, choose a name that lets people no your fat and hit the buffet.



Become a wrestler.

In the world of professional wrestling there are two types of wrestler. Big oiled up muscle hunks.

And human oddities.

(Try to guess which is which.)

And you don’t even have to be that freaky to be a wrestler. Hell the Earthquake was just a fat guy in a unitard.

All you really need is a gimmick. And it doesn’t even need to be a clever gimmick. Jake the Snake Roberts just had a snake.

Oh and you ladies out there, don’t think you can’t get in on this too. Women in wrestling are becoming more and more popular. Just choose a persona and get to body slamming. Here I’ll even help you out. From the deepest dankest shag carpeted trailer in Florida comes…

TheMiss Real America!

Her finishing move could be to pick up her scrawny, emasculated husband/manger and hit her opponent with him. Or better yet she could use one of her kids.

Become a biker.

Bikers have always been synonymous with cool. Think Sonny Barger or Dennis Hopper in Easy Rider.

And one of the best parts about being a biker is that you’re an outlaw, a social misfit. That’s right, you can be as hairy or as dirty or, yes, even as fat as you like.

Try telling these guys to do the truffle shuffle.

And before McDonald’s insured America that a 1,000 calorie lunch is only a short breathless shuffle in any direction to the nearest corner the only way to truly top up your grease traps was to hit the open road.

You could be sitting in a McDinning room right now. Leaning over a 20 piece nuggets and hoping that the aroma of sweet and sour sauce can overpower the acrid stench of pee wafting from the play room ball pitlong enough for you to choke them down. Or you could be out on the open road, perched atop a Harley.Your old lady wraps her arms around your biker gut and squeezes tight and you belch and re-chew a mouthful of chili and heavenly hot dog meat.

Now that’s America.

Oops, you caught me doing a little research for Stand By Me 2.

Well that’s ok. I’m not ashamed of being known as the fat kid from Stand By Me. At least it keeps people from remembering My Secret Identity.