CSI: Trivial Revulsion Unit.

There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you all. Something very disturbing. A few months ago I found out that someone had been taking shits in my building!

That’ll get you a husband.

And I’m not talking about shits in the toilets of my building. Of course people take shits there. (Except maybe some of the old people. Some of them look and act like they haven’t taken a shit in months.)

3 months 4 days on the left. 8 and 12 on the right.

No I’m talking about some filthy animal defecating in the garbage room and the hallways. (Of the 21st and 22nd floors to be precise.) I did not bear witness to the offensive leavings first hand and for this I am truly thankful. I don’t know if any of you have come across human shit outside of its natural environment.

New pet turd natural habitat aquarium! Self cleaning!

Living in a buzzing metropolis as I do does have its downsides and let me tell you, it is not a pretty sight. It looks all black and sloppy and disgusting and there’s usually some sort of wiping implement next to it. Allow me to demonstrate. If you’re eating chocolate pudding or a hearty beef stew, take a bite….

Now!

See, it’s disgusting. I pick up my dog’s shit everyday no problem but coming within 10 feet of something like that up there leaves a lasting psychological scar. Who would subject people to that? My original plan was to bring together some of the world’s greatest sleuths to help me identify this butt muck bandit.

The inclusion of toilet paper tells us 2 things. That the shitting was premeditated and that the shitter was left handed.

Err, umm, just one more question Mr. Peterson. Did you have corn for dinner last night?

But it turns out that all of my super sleuths aren’t really sleuths at all. They’re just actors that solve mysteries on TV. And on top of that, most of them are dead. All is not lost though. I’ve read my fare share of Ian Rankin novels and I’ve watched my fare share of First 48 episodes. Detective Johnny Creepshow Shit Investigator will take the case.

Someone get me my mirror shades and my Who tape.

Let’s start by taking a better look at the crime scene. My building is not one of these building where human defecation in common areas is to be expected. I do not live in one of those buildings like in Coming to America.



I’d also like to add that my building has good working plumbing and that each separate dwelling contains (I hope) a toilet. Now if the shitting only took place on one floor and was only confined to the relative privacy of the garbage room we could entertain the theory that the shitter was in a desperate situation and unable to gain access to a toilet. (Lost his keys, first date with a hot girl, roommate masturbating in their shared bathroom etc…). But no, the shitting took place on multiple floors and in the hallway. What does this tell us? It tells us that our suspect is clearly deranged and that the shit is not only a manifestation of the suspect’s mental instability but that it is also a message to others around him. If the shitting was purely a symptom of one’s decent into madness then we would expect it to continue but it seems to have stopped. If we can figure out who these analy authored messages are for. Then we will be one step closer to unmasking our shiter.

Possible message recipients:

Building Management

An obvious choice. Every tenant at one time or another has a complaint about their building landlord/management. But to go the extreme of shitting in your own building? It doesn’t seem right. Besides, the management office is in the other building right across the parking lot. Why not shit there? Or you could even mail it to them like in Pink Flamingos.



The Cleaning Staff.

Another viable target as they will be the ones that have to clean it up. Perfect revenge for one who has been slighted by them. But who would take offence to the cleaning staff? They’re all very nice and they do a good job. That only leaves one other recipient

Neighboring Tenants.

They are the most likely targets. People often become disgruntled by their neighbors. And as the feuding goes on, things can escalate and get a bit of hand.

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Based on all the information available and the lack of further evidence (thankfully) I have narrowed my investigation down to three suspects. They are as follows.

Suspect 1: The lady that lives above me.

I’ve only met her a couple of times but I’m pretty sure this is her.

One time she came down and knocked on my door and told me to leave her stuff alone or she would call the cops on me. It turns out she’s crazy and knocked on all the doors around her because she thought her neighbors were stealing her stuff. Actually she’s probably not responsible for shitting in the hall but I’m going to say she is because I don’t like her and it’s my investigation. (Innocent people get convicted of things they didn’t do all the time.)

Suspect 2: That weird blonde kid.

He’s like this but uglier.

There used to be a bunch of kids that would run around the halls of my building leaving candy wrappers and bits of food on the floor. Mostly they were just kids being kids but the blonde on was creepy. I a have yet to establish a motive for him but he was once witnessed out back peeing on a mop and chasing the other kids with it. He is now a teenager and it’s not hard to envision him escalating from mop peeing to hallway shitting. Also his mom comes out onto their balcony in her underwear all the time. That’s got to mess him up.

Suspect 3: The bum that used to sleep out back.

My main suspect. We had a homeless, druggy guy that used to sleep on a ledge behind our building. He was really annoying because he would leave his old socks and all his weird junky shit back there and sometimes if I was out back in the park with the dog and she barked he would yell at her to shut up. Nobody liked him and various methods were employed to try and get him to leave including threats, police and throwing cold water on him/his stuff. Eventually they put up fencing so he could no longer get at his ledge. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he held a grudge against the tenants of my building. Maybe while he was laying back there pretending to sleep he was secretly listening to the conversations of the people in the dog park and gaining information as to which floors the people he disliked most lived on. Bums are no strangers to public defecation. He may have slipped in behind someone coming in through the front doors and headed upstairs to exact his smelly revenge. Perhaps after his last dump he was spotted in the lobby and deemed it too risky to attempt further shits. Or perhaps he’s biding his time. Knowing that revenge is a dump best served cold and he will strike again when we lease expect it. I never got a decent look at him, so I best keep my eye out for any down and out in my neighborhood with a shifty look in his eye.

I googled the word shifty and all I got was this washed up mess from Crazytown. He is now a suspect too.

Sadly this is a case that has also grown cold and I am left with the sickening thought shared by many a detective on the hunt of a serial killer. I have no chance of catching my man (you know it’s a man) unless he strikes again. And with that being said, let’s hope this forever remains an unsolved mystery.

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0010

I was watching 48 Hour Mysteries the other night. You know, that documentary style show with all the great computer generated fingerprint and siren graphics that takes a 10 minute true crime story and draws it out to an hour?

Yep, that’s the one. So I was watching this episode where this woman didn’t want to be with her husband anymore so she started poisoning him with arsenic.

That's arsenic? Huh, it looks like the stuff they used to cover the track with at my high school. No wonder I was never fast.

Now I know the first thing you’re probably wondering is, Where did she get the arsenic from? Well it turns out that they were both scientists, or they both went to science school together or something. I know at least he was a scientist. At one point there was a big hawk flying outside my window so I may have missed what she did but needless to say she had access to arsenic.

The hawk kind of looked like this but more bird like and less dead rapper like.

Anyway, all this talk of arsenic on the show got me thinking. Does arsenic have any practical purposes? It seems to me that it’s only used to bump people off. Are there any positive aspects of arsenic? Or did scientists just invent it so they could use it to kill people in Miss. Marple/Columbo like scenarios? Maybe scientists didn’t event it. Maybe it grows naturally and someone discovered it? I kind of wonder the same thing about strychnine as well but The Sonics have been drinking that stuff for years and they’re still around to sing about it so it can’t be all that bad.



So tell me oh wise and infinite waster of time. Tell me Magic Internet…

Question 10: What’s the deal with arsenic?

Vrrrrrrwhoooooo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Eaaaore. Eaaaaore. Ring A Ding Ding. Wrrrrrrrr. Ding!

Magic Internet Answer: Even though the matter in which you have phrased your question causes me to feel that you are getting stupider despite our weekly sessions I must admit that this may be your most straightforward and sanest question to date, a question that we can take an altogether scientific approach to. Not that I mind delving into the philosophical now and then but you would be surprised by the number of stoned individuals that interface with me on a daily basis and how quickly their pubescent bra strap fumbling attempts at philosophy can cause me to start pulling out my own circuits.

Why do they call it taking a shit when you leave it, man?

Anyhoo, let us discover exactly what the deal is with arsenic. Arsenic is a chemical compound that can be found in a wide variety of ores. Arsenic was most likely first discovered by early craftspeople but it is unlikely that they knew what it was. That said, arsenic compounds have been around since the days of Ancient Greece and Rome when arsenic sulfide was used by physicians and poisoners.

No, not that kind of Poisoner. Though what he produces could also be considered harmful.

Saint Albert Magnus is often credited with the discovery of arsenic as he was the first to record arsenic in its purest form after heating an arsenic compound together with soap. Over time arsenic has had many practical uses including insecticides, pesticides and wood strengthening. Most of these have been discontinued since the discovery of arsenic’s high toxicity. However arsenic is still used in the alloying of lead and copper and most commonly in batteries.

No, that’s not why your tongue hurt when you licked the battery out of your Alpha Probe.

As I stated before, arsenic in one form or another, has been used as an intentional poison for hundreds of years. It was highly favored for this purpose by the ruling classes of the Middle Ages and the Renaissance, most notably the Borgias. The symptoms of arsenic poisoning were similar to cholera, which was a common cause of death at the time. In the 19th century arsenic was known as inheritance powder because it was often used to speed up the process of acquiring ones inheritance.

No dad, I don’t know why your birthday hooker tasted like bitter almonds.

In ancient Korea an arsenic compound was used in the making of sayak. A poison cocktail used in capital punishment. Hmm, perhaps this could prove as the solution to the lethal injection drug shortage in US prisons. What’s that Johnny? No I don’t think the prisons could just inject the inmates with a syringe full of bleach.

JC: I don’t see why not. It’s cheap and it’s under every sink in North America. See, there it is on the left.

It is amusing that you mention using arsenic in Ms. Marple and Columbo like murder scenarios. Amusing because arsenic was a common poison in murder mystery television shows yet they always failed to show its true effects.

I dare say Miss. Marple would be keeping her gardening gloves on to check for a pulse on that one.

It looks like arsenic to me Bertie. Now if you will beg my pardon I must retire to the powder room for I feel as if I may chug up.

Probably for the best Miss Marple, you do recall what happened earlier when you were walking your dog?

What with the modern doctor’s keen eye for symptoms and easier testing, one would have to be very foolish to use arsenic as a weapon of murder and think they could get away with it these days. Most arsenic poisoning today comes from contamination of earth and water supplies. Or from ingesting seafood with a high arsenic content.

This Saturday at the Arsenik Café: Oysterfest and convulsion dance off!

And that my good friend Johnny is the deal with arsenic.

Booyaka! Thanks Magic Internet.