What do we want?! Crispy pepperoni on a good kaiser delivered to a house without Christmas lights by a guy who's not riding a unicycle in bare feet.

It’s pretty crazy what’s going on in Egypt right now.

All these demonstrators flooding the streets, demanding that their President Mubarak step down. They’re lucky that the bald guy from The Mummy Returns isn’t still in power. Seen what that guy could do when he was cheesed at someone?

What do I think of democracy? I think it bloooows. Muh, ha, ha, ha, ha!

But democracy is a good thing and it is worth fighting for. If we didn’t have democracy around here I’d protest for sure. But we do (for the most part). So if I want to protest, I’m going to have to come up with something a little less serious than democratic reform. Something that symbolizes the erosion of society as I see it…

Johnny Creepshow’s 5 things I’m cheesed about and willing to take it to the streets.

1) The Pepperoni on Pizza’s.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before but it’s a big deal to me. Pizza is everyone’s favorite food. (If it’s not yours, you’re an idiot.) When I was a kid, all the pizza’s had nice crispy pepperoni on top. Like this:

See the way they have that dark ring and how they curl in and become concaved? At worst you would sometimes get a little grease pool in the middle. But that was only if you ordered from somewhere disgusting like Gino’s. And you could always soak it up with a napkin.

Now if you order a pepperoni pizza around here it shows up with these big, floppy undercooked pepperonis that look like they’d be better suited hidden under the cigarette burned, neon bikini tops of the Tuesday afternoon shift at Filmore's

File Photo: Democracy in Action.

They might as well be delivering giant Lunchables!

File Photo: Fucking Gross.

There are a lot of pizza places out there and I imagine that it’s a pretty cut-throat business. If I got enough people to take to the streets and demand the return of old school crispy pepperoni, they would have to accommodate our demands.

Possible Placard Slogans:

Taking a Firm Stance on Limp Pepperoni!

Hold the Rubbed Raw Nipples on My Pizza!

Your Pizza Sucks Shit!

Possible Celebrity Spokesmen:

Seth Rogan

Canadian actor/Big stoner that likes to eat.

Jamie Oliver

Celebrity chef and food activist/Probable big stoner that likes to eat.

2) People on Unicycles.

What do you think of when you think of unicycles?

Clowns, yes.

Those poor performing circus bears, also correct.

Mentally connecting unicycles to deep rooted psychological fears and inhumanity is normal. It means you’re an average, healthy citizen. But there is a small group of urban attention whores that feel the need to ride unicycles around the city.

This needs to stop. Unicycles serve no productive purpose aside from promoting jheep-riddled stupidity. We need to take to the streets and wrestle these one wheeled dunce mobiles out from under the undeveloped sweaty crotches of these Look at me! fuck wits.

Possible Placard Slogans:

One Group. One Voice. Two wheels minimum!

Unicyclists: Your good balance is a sign of your mental instability!

You look like a dickhead!

Possible Celebrity Spokesmen:

Lance Armstrong

He never would have won 7 consecutive Tour Du France’s or poured the pork to Sheryl Crow if he rode a unicycle.

Steve-O

He was a former circus performer who I’m sure could enlighten people with his story of how riding unicycles caused him to spiral into drug addiction and insanity.

3) Kaiser Buns.

Why do kaiser buns suck now? It used to be that you could walk into almost any grocery a store and pick up a half dozen good kaiser buns. They were crusty and flakey on the outside and soft on the inside and they had that smattering of flower on the bottom.

Today’s kaiser buns have a singular definition of either too hard or too soft and they’re too small. It used to be that you could lose a burger in a kaiser bun. Now you get to the last third of the burger and there’s no bun left.

Pitiful.

And those egg pinheads at NASA? Instead of figuring out what went wrong with our kaisers over the years they’re trying to figure out how to make food last for 60 years in space so they can send it on ahead of the astronauts!

Just send up Happy Meals. That shit lasts forever.



Or better yet, give them these:

File Photo: Fucking grosser.

It’s high time some of us bun loving hot heads went down to Cape Canaveral and tore down some of those big radars and things and let them know what they really should be working on. Better kaiser buns!

Possible Placard Slogans:

World War Bun: Return of the Kaiser!

I want to Believe. (with a kaiser bun in place of the UFO)

Or we all just wear these.

Possible celebrity Spokesmen:

The Kaiser Chiefs

They’re a popular band and if their name is anything to be believed, they must be some sort of expert on the subject at hand.

Weird Al Yankovic

If only so he could perform his Rye or the Kaiser song while we protest.

4) People that still have their Christmas lights up.

Maybe it’s still a little early for me to start seething about this one but don’t worry. Come April when they’re still up, my rage will be justified. For the love of the new born baby Jesus who’s miracle birth you seem to need to celebrate by covering your house in illuminations TAKE DOWN YOUR GOD DAMN CHRISTMAS LIGHTS ALREADY!!!!

Come April,that’s gonna be me on your house and its coming down the chimney.

Ok, maybe you’ve been busy. Maybe you’ve been out there working hard to pay off those great gifts you got the kids for Christmas.

Or maybe you slipped on the rotted remnants of last year’s jack o lantern and threw your back out.

Maybe you even suffered some sort of scaring psychological tragedy one Christmas many years ago that causes you to live every day like it’s Christmas.

Or you just died alone on Christmas and no one has discovered your body yet.

Ok if you’re insane or dead, my bad, carry on. But otherwise, there’s no excuse. Even if you don’t take them down you don’t have to fucking turn them on every night. Take them down or me and my mob of angry axe handle wielding cromags will take them down for you.

Possible Placard Slogans:

Take back the light!

String them down or we’ll string you up.

Christmas was 4 months ago.

Possible Celebrity Spokesmen:

Clark Griswold

Clark loves Christmas but he’s a traditional guy. There’s no way he’d leave his lights up and on after the holidays are over.

Moth Man

Moths are attracted to lights. Maybe if the inconsiderate home owners knew that their Christmas lights could attract a terrifying half man half moth that foretells disasters they might be inclined to turn them off.

5) Pedicure Salons.

These revolting dungeons with their window displayed podiatry horror shows are springing up faster than the mushrooms between their customer’s toes.

It’s getting to the point where I’m reluctant to glance in a shop window for fear of seeing yet another row of haggard looking women ankle deep in those fungus filled troughs while little Asian ladies crouch below them and go to work shaving layers of dermatological hell off their feet with a cheese greater.

I don’t like seeing anyone’s feet. I don’t even really like my own feet. We need to take to the streets on this. If we can’t stop them from opening more pedicure salons we can at least keep them from opening them on streets with restaurants or at the very least make them put up a curtain. Because you know what they’re gonna put in those places next?

Fish pedicures.

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Possible Placard Slogans:

Marching for a pediCURE!

No Fungus among Us!

Fish are eating your Feet! AAAHHHHHHHH!

Possible Celebrity Spokesmen:

Ariel the Little Mermaid

She doesn’t have feet and she doesn’t want to eat anyone else’s feet either.

Mr. Heavy Foot from Kids in the Hall.

We don’t know why his feet are so heavy and thankfully he’s not willing to go into a pedicure salon and show us why they’re so heavy.

Hey dad! Pass the Unnnnnngha Bunnnnga.

The other day I was walking along Dundas past the police station when I overheard a conversation between two students. I’m not going to hazard a guess at what they were students of. I feel I’ve already sullied what I believe to be their academic ambition enough in a previous post. It was actually less of a conversation and more of a statement by the male student to his female counterpart. This is a direct quote:

I realized something the other day and it made me feel like the smartest man alive. I realized that if you take the first letters in cop and porn and switch them it spells pop corn.

I’ll give you all a few minutes to let that sink in and find something to punch or break or to just generally morn the future of the human race. If you need me I’ll be listening to Pop Corn by Hot Buttered.



All done? Good. Now it’s safe to say that this young gentleman’s revelation is, for lack of a better word, stupid. Why he chose to share it with the young lady I do not know. Perhaps he was trying to woo her. Since the rise of Facebook and the Twitter, the courting rituals of today’s young people are a complete mystery to me. I think it involves a lot of emoticons and the exchanging of pictures of one another’s junk.

But people say stupid things all the time. I do it, you do it, we all do it and young people seem to do it a lot. Let me give you another great example. I was at a show about a month ago and there was this teenage guy with his girlfriend standing behind me and he was telling her about some new ska band that he liked. She’d never heard of ska before and asked him what it was. Here is how he replied, another direct quote:

It’s like a mixture of No Doubt and jazz.

Yep. That’s what he said. He said this:

Plus this:

Equals this:

Now I’ll give you a few minutes to take in that dynamic piece of musical intellect. If you need me I’ll be watching this Prince Buster video.

Made some time between the death of Miles Davis in 1991 and the release of No Doubt’s third album.

Alright. See, people say stupid shit all the time. Hopefully they think back to it, cringe from the recollection of it, learn a lesson and move on. It’s no big deal. They’re only hurting themselves, right? But what about parents passing their stupid on down to their children. Parents tell their kids stupid things all the time. Sometimes it’s because they’re actually ignorant. Sometimes it’s because they’re trying to hide the ugly truth in order to preserve the innocence of youth a little longer and sometimes it’s just because they’re too lazy to come up with the right answers to the numerous questions their children ask them. The sad thing too is that kids are little sponges that will soak up whatever asinine load of shit their parents tell them. Don’t believe me?

See.

I.

Told.

You.

So.

If that’s not enough then let me give you a first hand experience. In fact let me give two. Both of these gems come from my annual trips to the zoo. The few friends I have with children are all fairly intelligent and I hate going to malls so the zoo seems to be about the only time I’m surround by stupid parents and their kids.

Little boy: (upon seeing a plaster cast that is obviously a hippo skull outside the hippo enclosure): Daddy what’s that?

Dumb Dad: I think it’s a dinosaur skull. They must have found it while they were digging the hippo pit.

The thing I like most about this answer is that it actually takes more thought then coming up with the right answer. Yes, Dumb Dad. It’s a dinosaur skull. And they found it while digging the 8 foot hippo pit. And instead of sending it to a lab or a museum they just left it beside the hippo enclosure for people to manhandle and sit on. Sigh, if only that hippo could aim.

Look close at the beginning and you can see the skull in the background.

This second one comes from the Australasia pavilion.

Dumb Weekend Dad (pointing at the orangutans): Look son. Monkeys!

Little Boy 2: What kind of monkeys are they dad?

Weekend Dad: Uhhhh? Orange monkeys!

First of all who’s never heard of orangutans? They’re in contention with the gorillas and the polar bears for the title of best animal at the zoo! And there’s a plaque right there that says orangutans! Come on Weekend Dad! It’s only 2 days, you’ve got 2 eyes. Put some effort into it.

But what can you do? No one should be able to tell a parent how to raise their kids.

Parents of this kid excepted

The only thing we can do is sit back and laugh at the results.



So I’m going to give all you dumb parents a break. Dumb dad’s; go ice up your nuts for a while. Dumb moms; go watch Sarah Palin’s new reality show. But before you do, plunk your little dunderheads in front of the computer and Uncle Johnny will edumacte them for you.

Uncle Johnny Creepshow’s 5 Fun Facts for Dumb Kids:

1) You know where mustard comes from? Wasps. That’s right. Bees make honey and wasps make mustard. That stuff all over your face when you eat a hot dog? That’s wasp turds.

2) Speaking of turds. Do you know why you poop? I’ll tell you why. It’s because your spine never stops growing. That’s right. Every day you grow about 8-10 inches of new spinal cord. And the old spine at the end turns brown and falls out of your but like a snake shedding its skin. It’s all because we’re descended from dinosaurs.

File Photo: Your great, great Granddad.

3) Pizza didn’t exist before 1969 and was discovered by Michael Caine while filming the Italian Job.

Most of the film involved driving and Michael Caine couldn’t drive at the time (you’ll notice you never see him drive a car in the film). So when they filmed the driving scenes Caine would watch the action from on e of the many Italian sidewalk cafes while having a nice meal and a few bottles of wine. During one scene one of the Minis lost control and went careening into Caine’s table just as he was tucking into a spaghetti Bolognese and garlic bread. When the dust settled there was Michael Cain’s garlic bread, flattened like a pancake and covered in tomato sauce and cheese. He was so furious about his ruined lunch that he forced the stunt driver to eat it. And that’s how we got pizza.

Thanks Michael.

4) While we’re on the subject of fast food, you know Arby’s famous curly fries?

They are made right on the Arby’s cattle farms by feeding the cows potatoes and then extracting the partially digested potato mush from one of the cow’s four stomachs via a special faucet in its side.

That’s why the fries are curly and it’s also why they taste like burps.

5) And you know those miniature bats they sometimes give out at baseball games?

When baseball was first played the bats were actually that size. And they weren’t swung by people. They were swung by puppets. It’s true. Baseball was invented by puppeteers as a way to relax between Punch and Judy shows. Hence the term slugger (or slug her).

Yes, I’m afraid America’s favorite pass time is just an overly complicated and drawn out metaphor for spousal abuse.

There you go kids, don’t forget to tell your friends. Now get off my rug before you dent the shag.



Ashes to ashes, dust to stuffed crust.

I read an article yesterday that said pizza places in Naples, Italy may be using coffin wood to bake their pizzas. And not new coffin wood either. Ueeewwwsed coffin wood. Mwooooooh Ha ha ha ha ha!

An Italian daily newspaper called Il Giornale said,

A gang might have set up a market for (dug up) coffins sold to hard-hearted owners of bakeries and pizzerias looking to save money on wood

That has to be one the dumbest idea since the Ball Bra. First of all wouldn’t it be a lot easier, less incriminating and more super-naturally friendly to just illegally chop down some trees and sell that wood to pizza store owners? Is there some sort of tree/wood shortage in Naples that I don’t know about? It’s a possibility. A quick photo search of Naples just turned out lots of pictures of garbage.

I suppose they could use garbage to bake their pizzas but unfortunately that would infringe on Domino’s Pizza’s international copyright laws.

So instead Naples probably exports their garbage to be used as toppings in these pizzas

But alright let’s say it is worth digging up coffins just to sell the wood. Would it still be any good? Doesn’t it get all dirty and rotten under the ground with the worms crawling in and the worms crawling out and all that? I know every movie I see where zombies comes back to life, they just bust out of those things like tissue paper.



Yet zombies don’t seem all that solid themselves .



And what about all that toxic varnish and paint and satin? People aren’t exactly getting buried in pine boxes anymore.

Oh well, I cooked a hotdog over a citronella candle once and I’m fine.

If I was the owner of one of these coffin cooking pizzerias I would embrace it for the hype. I’d be the one offering up the real tombstone pizzas. Fuck, my oven would be made out of tombstones!

I don’t know if I could offer 100% real cheese like that guy up there (that sounds expensive) but I would guarantee that all my pizzas would be cooked on an authentic stolen tombstone heated by real coffins (and possibly dead bodies). If things went well I could start selling them in vending machines too.

(Pizzas cooked with dead people couldn’t taste worse then this)

I’m sure I could heat the vending machines with pet coffins or midget coffins or something. (Do midgets have smaller tombstones? Do they get a cut rate plot because they take up less space? I’ll have to have my secretary look into that.)

For the take out orders I could serve them in a coffin shaped box.

(Party Size)

And for my commercials I could have a medium or a gypsy or whatever you call them come in and resurrect Bret Hart so his Ghost could recreate those Crack the Cardboard commercials for Pizza Pizza. Picture this but with Bret more see-through and dead looking.



Wait I just realized it was Owen Hart not Bret Hart that died.

Hmmm. That kind of puts a damper on my promotion. That’s ok. I have an even better idea. Win a free funeral right in my pizzeria! My expert chefs (hobos and or the coffin stealers) will cremate your loved one right in our tombstone oven. Then everyone can enjoy a post funeral personal pizza cooked by their dearly departed.

(Before)

(After)

Mmmmm, now that’s good Grandpa.