Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 35

Good news everyone! The LFL is bringing a team to Toronto! For those of you that don’t follow professional sports, the LFL is short for the Lingerie Football League. That’s right, women in lingerie playing tackle football.

You may wonder how this came about. Well I’m going to turn the floor over to someone that best reflects your average LFL fan to give you his views on the evolution of women’s sports.

File Photo: Average LFL fan

First there was mud wrestling.

This evolved in Jell-O/Pudding wrestling.

Like mud wrestling but hey I can eat that!

Then came Foxy Boxing.

This started the trend of technical ability in women’s sport (beyond the bikini top pull down).

Then Beach Volleyball.

Less physical contact but hey there’s more of them and they’re bending over a lot.


But I like physical contact. Like football!!

Except they bend over a lot.

And I don’t like that. It makes me feel funny. Solution?

Tada!

Seriously, who is going to watch LFL? Who is going to sit in a stadium with a bunch of horny men and watch women in lingerie attempt to play full contact football? How creepy would that be? They’ll probably have to employ wank police.

Just put him in the cell with the others and if they start up again turn the hose on them.

And do you think they have cheerleaders? What would they be like?

And if you think that’s bad, wait till some of the fans start wearing replica kits.

Go team!

The only plus side I can see to all this is that some of those creepy strip club devotees might get out in the sun for a day. I wonder if strip clubs feel threatened by the LFL? If they do I’m sure I’ll read all about it on the Filmore’s sign.

Filmore’s is a Toronto gentleman’s club on the edge of bum town. The Filmore’s sign has been a constant source of enjoyment for me over the years. Some of my favorite sign slogans include:

Naked chick and hockey sticks. Go leaf go!


Ten ounce steak and a face dance $10.99.


Schools out. The teachers aren’t working but the students are. At Filmore’s.

Currently I believe it says something about Charlie Sheen. Inviting him in to see some real goddess or something. How does it keep up with current events? Oh, oh, oh! The other week it had something up about some visiting porn start but under that it said FIlmore’s – Home of the original bunga bunga room. What the fuck is a bunga bunga room?! At first I thought maybe it was like that dark room with the trap door in it that Porky tricks all the teens into in Porky’s

But I’m pretty sure there’s no water under Filmore’s. So what the heck is it.

Question No. 35: What is a bunga bunga room?



Magic Internet Answer: The term bunga bunga does have real meaning in some languages. In the Filipino it is slang for something fashionable and in Indonesian it means flower.

Plaid sports coat + lacrosse mask + pompadore = Filipino bunga bunga

However bunga bunga takes on a much more complicated meaning in modern western popular culture. Its origins can be traced back to one Horce De Vere Cole, a British poet and prankster who masterminded the Dreadnaught prank back in 1910. This involved Cole tricking the British Admiralty into believing he was the Prince of Abyssinia and giving Cole and his friends including Virginia Wolf a tour of the HMS Dreadnought.

Dreadnought is also slang for a large unflushable turd.

Fascinating Johnny . In order for Cole and his friends to pull off the hoax they had to dress up as Abyssinian royalty. The Captain of the ship fell for their rather racist attire and gave them a tour. Whenever he pointed out some extraordinary feature the group would shout, bunga bunga. The photograph shown below and an account of the hoax were sent to the Daily Mail and thus bunga bunga entertained into English popular culture.

File Photo: Bunga Bungers

But it took nearly 100 years for the phrase bunga bunga to become popular again. Last year Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi used the phrase to describe sex parties that he had attended with prostitutes. There are several theories as to why Berlusconi called them bunga bunga parties but the most believable one is that it stems from a favorite joke that the Prime Minister liked to tell at parties. Here is a reasonable facsimile of that joke:

Berlusconi and one of his rivals have been captured by an African tribe. They are given one of two choices. Death or bunga bunga. Berlusconi’s rival chooses bunga bunga, believing anything to be better than death. Upon choosing bunga bunga he is immediately set upon by the entire tribe and literally fornicated to death. When it comes Berlusconi’s turn to choose he chooses death, attempting to save himself from the same fate as his rival. Upon hearing the selection a large smile crosses the tribal chief’s face and he yells out, Death it is. Death by bunga bunga.

It is an old joke and we can see how the phrase bunga bunga would enter into it. Bunga bunga when used by Horce De Vere Cole was ment to be a humorous childish form of Africanism. And in the joke it is used in the same way. Perhaps Berlusconi chose to share the word with the public to down play his scandal but regardless of his intentions it became a house hold word in Italy.



Now it has become synonymous with sex parties and orgies. In the world of strip clubs it often refers to a room where many strippers will compete for a V.I.P.’s attention, the winning stripper then engaging in prostitution. This Filmore’s gentleman’s club that you have referred too may have a room where such events take place but it is doubtful that their room is the oldest. If their topical signage is anything to go by it is most likely that they are merely trying to profit from the use of the popular bunga bunga phrase.

Wow! Who knew that Filmore’s sign used such rich historical language? Basically what you’re saying is that Filmore’s is now quoting Virginia Wolfe.

10 Ounce Steak & a Face Dance – The new uncovered novel by Virginia Wolfe

I shall read it cover to cover.

What do we want?! Crispy pepperoni on a good kaiser delivered to a house without Christmas lights by a guy who's not riding a unicycle in bare feet.

It’s pretty crazy what’s going on in Egypt right now.

All these demonstrators flooding the streets, demanding that their President Mubarak step down. They’re lucky that the bald guy from The Mummy Returns isn’t still in power. Seen what that guy could do when he was cheesed at someone?

What do I think of democracy? I think it bloooows. Muh, ha, ha, ha, ha!

But democracy is a good thing and it is worth fighting for. If we didn’t have democracy around here I’d protest for sure. But we do (for the most part). So if I want to protest, I’m going to have to come up with something a little less serious than democratic reform. Something that symbolizes the erosion of society as I see it…

Johnny Creepshow’s 5 things I’m cheesed about and willing to take it to the streets.

1) The Pepperoni on Pizza’s.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before but it’s a big deal to me. Pizza is everyone’s favorite food. (If it’s not yours, you’re an idiot.) When I was a kid, all the pizza’s had nice crispy pepperoni on top. Like this:

See the way they have that dark ring and how they curl in and become concaved? At worst you would sometimes get a little grease pool in the middle. But that was only if you ordered from somewhere disgusting like Gino’s. And you could always soak it up with a napkin.

Now if you order a pepperoni pizza around here it shows up with these big, floppy undercooked pepperonis that look like they’d be better suited hidden under the cigarette burned, neon bikini tops of the Tuesday afternoon shift at Filmore's

File Photo: Democracy in Action.

They might as well be delivering giant Lunchables!

File Photo: Fucking Gross.

There are a lot of pizza places out there and I imagine that it’s a pretty cut-throat business. If I got enough people to take to the streets and demand the return of old school crispy pepperoni, they would have to accommodate our demands.

Possible Placard Slogans:

Taking a Firm Stance on Limp Pepperoni!

Hold the Rubbed Raw Nipples on My Pizza!

Your Pizza Sucks Shit!

Possible Celebrity Spokesmen:

Seth Rogan

Canadian actor/Big stoner that likes to eat.

Jamie Oliver

Celebrity chef and food activist/Probable big stoner that likes to eat.

2) People on Unicycles.

What do you think of when you think of unicycles?

Clowns, yes.

Those poor performing circus bears, also correct.

Mentally connecting unicycles to deep rooted psychological fears and inhumanity is normal. It means you’re an average, healthy citizen. But there is a small group of urban attention whores that feel the need to ride unicycles around the city.

This needs to stop. Unicycles serve no productive purpose aside from promoting jheep-riddled stupidity. We need to take to the streets and wrestle these one wheeled dunce mobiles out from under the undeveloped sweaty crotches of these Look at me! fuck wits.

Possible Placard Slogans:

One Group. One Voice. Two wheels minimum!

Unicyclists: Your good balance is a sign of your mental instability!

You look like a dickhead!

Possible Celebrity Spokesmen:

Lance Armstrong

He never would have won 7 consecutive Tour Du France’s or poured the pork to Sheryl Crow if he rode a unicycle.

Steve-O

He was a former circus performer who I’m sure could enlighten people with his story of how riding unicycles caused him to spiral into drug addiction and insanity.

3) Kaiser Buns.

Why do kaiser buns suck now? It used to be that you could walk into almost any grocery a store and pick up a half dozen good kaiser buns. They were crusty and flakey on the outside and soft on the inside and they had that smattering of flower on the bottom.

Today’s kaiser buns have a singular definition of either too hard or too soft and they’re too small. It used to be that you could lose a burger in a kaiser bun. Now you get to the last third of the burger and there’s no bun left.

Pitiful.

And those egg pinheads at NASA? Instead of figuring out what went wrong with our kaisers over the years they’re trying to figure out how to make food last for 60 years in space so they can send it on ahead of the astronauts!

Just send up Happy Meals. That shit lasts forever.



Or better yet, give them these:

File Photo: Fucking grosser.

It’s high time some of us bun loving hot heads went down to Cape Canaveral and tore down some of those big radars and things and let them know what they really should be working on. Better kaiser buns!

Possible Placard Slogans:

World War Bun: Return of the Kaiser!

I want to Believe. (with a kaiser bun in place of the UFO)

Or we all just wear these.

Possible celebrity Spokesmen:

The Kaiser Chiefs

They’re a popular band and if their name is anything to be believed, they must be some sort of expert on the subject at hand.

Weird Al Yankovic

If only so he could perform his Rye or the Kaiser song while we protest.

4) People that still have their Christmas lights up.

Maybe it’s still a little early for me to start seething about this one but don’t worry. Come April when they’re still up, my rage will be justified. For the love of the new born baby Jesus who’s miracle birth you seem to need to celebrate by covering your house in illuminations TAKE DOWN YOUR GOD DAMN CHRISTMAS LIGHTS ALREADY!!!!

Come April,that’s gonna be me on your house and its coming down the chimney.

Ok, maybe you’ve been busy. Maybe you’ve been out there working hard to pay off those great gifts you got the kids for Christmas.

Or maybe you slipped on the rotted remnants of last year’s jack o lantern and threw your back out.

Maybe you even suffered some sort of scaring psychological tragedy one Christmas many years ago that causes you to live every day like it’s Christmas.

Or you just died alone on Christmas and no one has discovered your body yet.

Ok if you’re insane or dead, my bad, carry on. But otherwise, there’s no excuse. Even if you don’t take them down you don’t have to fucking turn them on every night. Take them down or me and my mob of angry axe handle wielding cromags will take them down for you.

Possible Placard Slogans:

Take back the light!

String them down or we’ll string you up.

Christmas was 4 months ago.

Possible Celebrity Spokesmen:

Clark Griswold

Clark loves Christmas but he’s a traditional guy. There’s no way he’d leave his lights up and on after the holidays are over.

Moth Man

Moths are attracted to lights. Maybe if the inconsiderate home owners knew that their Christmas lights could attract a terrifying half man half moth that foretells disasters they might be inclined to turn them off.

5) Pedicure Salons.

These revolting dungeons with their window displayed podiatry horror shows are springing up faster than the mushrooms between their customer’s toes.

It’s getting to the point where I’m reluctant to glance in a shop window for fear of seeing yet another row of haggard looking women ankle deep in those fungus filled troughs while little Asian ladies crouch below them and go to work shaving layers of dermatological hell off their feet with a cheese greater.

I don’t like seeing anyone’s feet. I don’t even really like my own feet. We need to take to the streets on this. If we can’t stop them from opening more pedicure salons we can at least keep them from opening them on streets with restaurants or at the very least make them put up a curtain. Because you know what they’re gonna put in those places next?

Fish pedicures.

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Possible Placard Slogans:

Marching for a pediCURE!

No Fungus among Us!

Fish are eating your Feet! AAAHHHHHHHH!

Possible Celebrity Spokesmen:

Ariel the Little Mermaid

She doesn’t have feet and she doesn’t want to eat anyone else’s feet either.

Mr. Heavy Foot from Kids in the Hall.

We don’t know why his feet are so heavy and thankfully he’s not willing to go into a pedicure salon and show us why they’re so heavy.

Feels like an Arbys night.

Last year a place called O.Noir  opened in Toronto. It’s a restaurant where you choose your meal before hand and then eat in complete darkness and all the wait staff that serve you are blind. It’s supposed to heighten your other senses so you enjoy the food more and let you experience what it’s like to be blind. Kind of like the opposite of Hooters (unenjoyable food + ogling = Hooters).

(She could be serving you and you’d never know)

I haven’t been to O.Noir yet but I kind of want to go. I like the idea of themed restaurants. They’re dinner and a show. They’re like Chuck E. Cheese for grown ups.



In Japan there’s a restaurant called Nyotaimori (which means female body presentation). Usually this refers to that thing where you eat sushi of a naked lady.

(I wonder if you can get a cheaper one where you eat shrimps off a midget?)

This is the Japanease equivalent of Filmore’s 10 ounce steak and a face dance special.

But at Nyotaimori they actually make you a fake dead body to eat.

Apparently the skin is dough and inside is edible organs and red stuff. I bet there’s chocolate mousse in the butt.

Speaking of butt mousse, you can actually get it at the Taiwanese restaurant Modern Toilet.

It’s a toilet themed restaurant where you sit on toilets.

You also eat out of toilets and drink out of urinals.

It’s disgusting.

I’ve eaten at a toilet themed restaurant right here in Toronto. The Popeyes Chicken on Yonge St.

In New York they have a restaurant called Ninja. It’s decorated like 15th century Japan and your food is made and served to you by Ninjas.



How much do you tip a Ninja? If it’s too little he may feel dishonored and kill himself. I’d go with 20%.

(This guy works the fryer)

Maybe I should open up a themed restaurant. I’ve got some good ideas.

Sheepypalooza’s

This would be a restaurant where you dine with sheep dogs. Lots of sheep dogs. Like 50 or so. I get to eat with my sheep dog Mutton everyday and it’s lots of fun. Imagine sitting down to a fine meal while being surrounded by sheep dogs. It would be like eating in a Dulux commercial.



Maybe I could train them to bring you your food or your check or something. But probably not.

White Trashiteria

This would be my white trash themed restaurant. All the waiters would be in wife beaters or shirtless and they’d sit in chairs drinking, smoking and watching TV. As the customer you’d have to scream and yell at them to come take your order. (My take on the rude French waiter.)

(the Matradee)

Here’s an example of a Prixe Fixie meal at the White Trashiteria

Starter
(Tuh shut you up till mom gets home from her job goin door to door sellin Bump-Its.)

Your choice of:

Triscuits with mustard on them

or

1 uncooked hot dog, cut up with ketchup.

Main Course

Your choice of:

Kraft dinner served in the pot it was cooked in. (Please respect our menu and do not ask for ketchup.)

or

The Bacon Bit Buddy. (Imitation bacon bits, ketchup and butter between 2 Wonder bread slices. Microwaved until hot.)

Dessert

Your choice of

1 single serving rice pudding can. (Our waiters remove the pudding can lid at your table to insure freshness.)

or

The invisible McDonald’s Sundae (After much begging from you one of our waiters will agree to go out and get you a McDonald’s Sundae only to return hours or days later looking disheveled and without the Sundae ).

The interior decor would be akin to several trailers pushed together. Once a night the toilets overflow and the trailers are jacked up to keep the erupting toilet water from ruinin the shag allowing diners the entertaining sensation of eating on a slant.



Hoarders

This would be a chain of family fun themed restaurants based on the hit show Hoarders.



Each restaurant would be located in the house of an actual hoarder.

Mom and dad can relax in the dinning room.

While the kids explore and find treasures like:

Misplaced loaded firearms.

Desiccated deceased pets.

Jars of your hoarder hosts own body fluids.

Hoarders has a fully stalked kitchen.

Just be sure to eat up quick as the resident hoarder will be screaming and crying and trying to stop you as they have an emotional attachment to the food your eating do to some tragic past event in their life.

(Check please!)

Oh and don’t forget to pick up something from the gift shop.

So what do you think? Am I the next big restaurant mogul or what?



P.S. This is post number 69... lunch time!