Gooddognohumpbegginsnauseobites

Good evening ladies and germs. Ha, ha, ha. Was that line ever actually funny? Do you think the punk band the Germs ever opened one of their shows with that line?

Someone threw away a perfectly good white girl.

Now that was a funny line!



Oh well, cutting edge 1940s comedy lines and Better Off Dead clips aside, I do have something on my mind today. Dog treats. Have you seen what’s going on with dog treats these days?

Wild Alaskin Salmon?!

Grilled Wild Boar?! (Not fried, no, on. Grilled)

Dog Ice Cream?!

My dog sleeps on the floor, shits on the sidewalk and hasn’t had a bath in at least 2 weeks. It’s essentially like living with a homeless person. Yet I’m supposed feed it the menu equivalent of Jamie Oliver teaming up with Ted Nugent and Ben & Jerry to open up a restaurant in Williamsburg?! It’s madness I tell you. But it’s not like we all didn’t see this coming. Dog food makers have been exploiting dog owners’ own selfish cravings for years. I think it began with the revelation that most dog owners are only slightly smarter than their pets and if you can create a dog food that the owner would kind of like to eat then chances are they will buy it for their pet.

Take Kibbles ‘N Bits for example.



It may be the first dog food to have its own distinctive look. And you know what? It’s just Bits & Bites for dogs.

The name’s pretty much the same and it even looks the same.

Even down to those little orange bullet shaped things that were everyone’s favorite.

Then Alpo came out with its Prime Cuts line of canned dog food.

In Gravy!

Hell even I kind of want to eat that. And look at the can in the background there. It might as well be Chunky Soup.

Fully loaded?!

I wonder how many drunken bachelors have come home and accidently heated up a can of Alpo. Or better yet fed a can of Chunky to their dog the next morning?

YES!

But then things changed. Stupid people started eating worse and worse food. There was no way that the next generation of dumb-people-insta -food could be sold based on its visual appeal. Have you ever seen inside a Michalina’s?

What did you expect from something called Wheels & Cheese?

So how do you sell crap like this to the public? Well you could go the route of the TV Dinner people and push quantity.

Now in your shirt size!

Or you could use those flavor buzz wards we all know so well. Words like cheese and bacon.

The food industry collectively said, Let it be so. And the dog food people, happy that they no longer had to make a can of liquefied horse balls look like prime rib, jumped for joy.

Dogs shouldn’t be eating bacon. People shouldn’t be eating bacon. If we really loved our dogs we would demand treats based on what the dog really likes. Not what we like. Now that’s a good idea.

Presenting: Creepshow’s Gooddognohumpbegginsnauseobites (With distinct flavors that are just for dogs. No humans allowed!)

Flavors like:

Other Dog’s Ass

It may be no bed or roses to you but what dog doesn’t love the heady aroma of another dogs ass? Well now they can enjoy it in the form of a treat. Slip a couple of these in your purse and you’ll have a good boy all day long. (Comes in both male and female flavors for insane homophobes.)

Or try:

Toilet Bowl

How many times have you told your dog to get away from that toilet bowl? Well now you can reward him for doing so with exactly what he wants. Toilet bowl flavored treats.

And roll over for:

Tramp’s Pant Leg

Like Marco Polo returning from the Orient laden with exotic spices your average tramp’s trousers are laden with revolting delicacies the likes have which can only be required by a true gentleman of the road. We’ve done our best to capture these savory treats in a biscuit form that we think your dog will love. (just don’t ask us how, you don’t want to know.)

The Bag the Chinese Food Came In

Pretty self-explanatory treat here. Your dog can enjoy it any time and you don’t have to worry about him ingesting that pesky receipt staple.

Sundried Racoon Guts

Mmm, that leash pullingly good taste of something that once ate garbage and is now long dead. What more could a dog ask for?

You see. Your dog’s true culinary desires range from mildly nauseating to truly revolting. And I suppose no one is going to want market that. Well at least these new modern foody options for dogs claim to be more healthy. If that means our dogs will live longer and happier lives, then I guess I’m for it.

And bonus: No more white dog poop.

Also I kind of like the idea of watching dogs eat ice cream

Smell ya later good dogs.

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0017

I don’t like this whole thing where you have to say something after someone sneezes. I don’t like saying, bless you because I’m not religious and even if I was religious I don’t think I’d feel the need to bless someone just because they sneezed. I don’t think a regular person can even bless someone. Don’t you need to be a priest or at least have one of those ashtrays on a chain?

The priest tells you that the incense symbolizes your prayers going to heaven but in truth… you all stink.

My point is that now days if you sneeze, it doesn’t mean you’re going to die. This is not the dark ages and we are not all living in fear of the plague.

If this guy sneezes, bless him. Oh and that long nose thing, it’s full of incense… because you all stink.

Then there’s the other word. The word you’re supposed to use if you don’t like saying, bless you. Gazuntite. What does Gazuntite even mean? What if it’s Ojibwe for boner breath and that’s the Indians way of getting back at us for giving them small pox infected blankets? We better get to the bottom of this right away.

Question: 17: What does gazuntite mean?

This is where you would normally read the sound effects of the Magic Internet preparing to answer my question. I have grown tired of typing these dumb sound effects so I am herby discontinuing them. My apologies to anyone who is upset over this decision but if reading those dumb sound effects every week was the only thing that enriched your life then you’re better off dead. Now please enjoy this video of Morgan Freeman sneezing in a 1970s episode of the Electric Company.



Magic Internet Answer: My, my Johnny. You are so dumb that sometimes I wonder how you manage to remember to breathe let alone sneeze. Gazuntite is not an Ojibwe word. (Although boozhoo is, it means greetings.) Gazuntite is actually spelled Gesundheit and it is a German word that means health. When you say gesundheit to a person after they sneeze you are wishing them good health. This phrase was introduced to North America by early German settlers such as the Pennsylvania Dutch. It was widely attested to the English language by 1910 about the same time that large numbers of Yiddish-speaking Ashkenazi Jews immigrated to the United States. Gesundheit is not exactly a blessing but it is used much in the same way. Also, blessing people after they sneeze is not always about superstitiously warding off sickness. Some people believe that the soul can escape through a sneeze and a blessing keeps it inside. Others believe that sneezing is a way of purging the body of evil spirits and a blessing will help to keep them away. During the renaissance period many believed that your heart stopped briefly when you sneezed and a blessing would insure that it restarted.

German, huh? Who’da thunk it? That’s good to know but I still won’t be saying gesundheit or bless you after someone sneezes but I will pray that this never happens to me.



Check Ya later.

You can land your Sky Striker right here and you don't have to back it out!

You know what I hate? Those stupid home buying shows on TV. Why would anyone want to waste an evening watching some pin head and his foaming at the mouth wife go around and look at houses they might buy? They even have one show where they show them houses they could buy if they were millionaires. What the fuck is that?! I’d rather watch that monkey drink his own pee for an hour.

Remember me? Ooh Ooh good.

I’ll tell you what; if I was a millionaire I wouldn’t be buying some used cookie cutter mansion like they have on that show. I’d want a new mansion, custom built. Like Penn Jillette’s Slammer.

He even has Garry Busey’s drivers licence above the urinal!

I don’t know if I’d want my house to look like a prison from the outside though. Maybe I’d base it on the G. I. Joe Aircraft Carrier. I always wanted that thing and my parents never got it for me. I’d put a fountain out on the flight deck and one of those driveways where you don’t have to back out. All good mansions have those.

It was 71/2 feet long for fuck’s sake!

I don’t think I’d have a butler. I don’t want some dusty old guy skulking around my house. But I do like the idea of having someone take my hat and coat when I come in the door. Maybe I could dig up Alan Napier and have him stuffed and mounted as a coat rack. He was the guy that played Alfred on the old Batman TV series. But I wouldn’t have him dressed in his butler uniform. I’d have him dressed as Batman. It always cracked me up on that show when Bruce Wayne and Batman had to appear somewhere at the same time and Alfred would dress up as Batman. Who in their right mind is going to believe that a 70 year old man with a white pencil mustache and coke bottle glasses in a baggy costume is actually Batman?

Boy Batman sure has lost weight. Maybe it’s all those prune smoothies we saw him drinking at the last Wayne Foundation Party.

I don’t really care what the kitchen looks like. Just as long as it’s not yellow. I heard somewhere that yellow kitchens increase incidents of domestic violence. Something about the colour and setting that makes people angry. Although I would like a fridge that has a special shelf to hold pizza boxes. Oh and one of these too please.



Now that I’ve made you a delicious snack out of garbage, perhaps you’d like to eat it in the dining room? I guess I’d have to have one of those big long mansion tables that all rich people eat at.

Bonus: Guy in the mirror looks like he’s playing keyboards.

It would be nice to have all the condiments and things on RC cars so that you don’t have to get up to fetch them. I would also like some little jumps for them on the table. I’m a fast eater so this would help to amuse me while I wait for everyone else to finish. And at Thanksgiving the gravy boat could jump the centre piece on the back of one of those rev up Evil Kenevil toys.

After dinner I usually watch TV. I don’t need anything too fancy. Sure I’d have the big HD flat screen and surround sound and all that but I don’t want one of those home theatre rooms with the movie style seating and everything. I don’t really like sitting in movie theatres. I’ll just sit on the couch. I’d have a bean bag chair too but not for me. It would be for people that I don’t really like to sit in. Because bean bag chairs suck.

It kind of looks like a boob because it is a boob. Now take a seat Mrs. Bernell and let’s talk about how much of a bitch you were when I was in grade 4.

I’d like to have a game room. Maybe with like a pool table and a dart board in it. Oh and one of those creepy armwresling arcade guys.

I particularly like this one do to the addition of plastic broads.

Maybe I could have someone famous over to play pool like Brett Baxtor Clark. Yeah I could have Brett over to play pool and then leave the remaining balls on the pool table to remember what a great time we had. Then some reporter could come over to interview me and sink the balls and I’d scream, You ruined my Nick the Dick memento! Then lock him in a closet at gunpoint like Phil Spector did to that guy that ruined his Minnesota Fats pool balls.

Bonus: The judge at Phil’s trial totally looks like Bruce Willis!

Let’s talk toilets. Once again I’m not fussy. As long as it holds pee and poo and gets rid of it when I flush I’m happy. One thing I don’t want is one of those cushioned toilet seats. They’re gross.

Shudder.

The bathtub though has to be good. I want a big bath tub. I’m sick of all these tiny bathtubs made for puny creeps. I want a bathtub made for a man. So big that you can practically swim in it. Like that one Francis had in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.

Maybe more of a bathtub made for a man-child than a man.

Upstairs is the master bedroom. And yes I’d have stairs. No elevator, escalator of fireman’s pole. Who the fuck wants to slide down a fireman’s pole on a Monday morning? Maybe I’d have a dog gondola for Mutton because she doesn’t like the going up and down stairs sometimes.

File Photo: Crazy person’s dog.

Now a bedroom should be just for going to bed. So I would like a bedroom that’s just all bed. Just a wall to wall mattress with a bunch of blankets. Sort of like a human nest. Instead of night stands I’d have recessed shelves in the wall. That way I could roll around all night and not worry about falling out of bed. It would definitely have to be one custom made giant mattress though. I don’t want a bunch of different mattresses all pushed together. That would give off a creepy swingers party vibe.

Hey Johnny, I like what you’ve done with the bedroom. Me too. So do I.

I’d need a big back yard for Mutton too. With a big pond for her to swim in. And while we’re at it why don’t we put a jet ski in the pond. In case I ever have douche bags over.

Oh and since Mutton’s a sheep dog I should get some sheep back there . Except then I’d have to feed them and take care of them. I know. I’ll just higher a bunch of midgets to come over once a week dressed up as sheep and she can chase them around for a couple of hours.

And there you go. That would be my house. And I can guarantee it won’t be featured on any of those stupid house hunting shows. Maybe Weird Homes. Now there was a good show about houses. Remember the episode where they showed that crazy guy that built a castle out of old embalming fluid bottles?

Ha. Ha. Ha. He was mentally deranged.

Well I better go. I’ve got to fish a dead midget out of the pond and gas up the jet ski. Criss Angel’s coming over.

Yes he spells his name C-R-I-S-S.

He wants to try one of my magic hot dogs.

Check Ya Later.



Hey dad! Pass the Unnnnnngha Bunnnnga.

The other day I was walking along Dundas past the police station when I overheard a conversation between two students. I’m not going to hazard a guess at what they were students of. I feel I’ve already sullied what I believe to be their academic ambition enough in a previous post. It was actually less of a conversation and more of a statement by the male student to his female counterpart. This is a direct quote:

I realized something the other day and it made me feel like the smartest man alive. I realized that if you take the first letters in cop and porn and switch them it spells pop corn.

I’ll give you all a few minutes to let that sink in and find something to punch or break or to just generally morn the future of the human race. If you need me I’ll be listening to Pop Corn by Hot Buttered.



All done? Good. Now it’s safe to say that this young gentleman’s revelation is, for lack of a better word, stupid. Why he chose to share it with the young lady I do not know. Perhaps he was trying to woo her. Since the rise of Facebook and the Twitter, the courting rituals of today’s young people are a complete mystery to me. I think it involves a lot of emoticons and the exchanging of pictures of one another’s junk.

But people say stupid things all the time. I do it, you do it, we all do it and young people seem to do it a lot. Let me give you another great example. I was at a show about a month ago and there was this teenage guy with his girlfriend standing behind me and he was telling her about some new ska band that he liked. She’d never heard of ska before and asked him what it was. Here is how he replied, another direct quote:

It’s like a mixture of No Doubt and jazz.

Yep. That’s what he said. He said this:

Plus this:

Equals this:

Now I’ll give you a few minutes to take in that dynamic piece of musical intellect. If you need me I’ll be watching this Prince Buster video.

Made some time between the death of Miles Davis in 1991 and the release of No Doubt’s third album.

Alright. See, people say stupid shit all the time. Hopefully they think back to it, cringe from the recollection of it, learn a lesson and move on. It’s no big deal. They’re only hurting themselves, right? But what about parents passing their stupid on down to their children. Parents tell their kids stupid things all the time. Sometimes it’s because they’re actually ignorant. Sometimes it’s because they’re trying to hide the ugly truth in order to preserve the innocence of youth a little longer and sometimes it’s just because they’re too lazy to come up with the right answers to the numerous questions their children ask them. The sad thing too is that kids are little sponges that will soak up whatever asinine load of shit their parents tell them. Don’t believe me?

See.

I.

Told.

You.

So.

If that’s not enough then let me give you a first hand experience. In fact let me give two. Both of these gems come from my annual trips to the zoo. The few friends I have with children are all fairly intelligent and I hate going to malls so the zoo seems to be about the only time I’m surround by stupid parents and their kids.

Little boy: (upon seeing a plaster cast that is obviously a hippo skull outside the hippo enclosure): Daddy what’s that?

Dumb Dad: I think it’s a dinosaur skull. They must have found it while they were digging the hippo pit.

The thing I like most about this answer is that it actually takes more thought then coming up with the right answer. Yes, Dumb Dad. It’s a dinosaur skull. And they found it while digging the 8 foot hippo pit. And instead of sending it to a lab or a museum they just left it beside the hippo enclosure for people to manhandle and sit on. Sigh, if only that hippo could aim.

Look close at the beginning and you can see the skull in the background.

This second one comes from the Australasia pavilion.

Dumb Weekend Dad (pointing at the orangutans): Look son. Monkeys!

Little Boy 2: What kind of monkeys are they dad?

Weekend Dad: Uhhhh? Orange monkeys!

First of all who’s never heard of orangutans? They’re in contention with the gorillas and the polar bears for the title of best animal at the zoo! And there’s a plaque right there that says orangutans! Come on Weekend Dad! It’s only 2 days, you’ve got 2 eyes. Put some effort into it.

But what can you do? No one should be able to tell a parent how to raise their kids.

Parents of this kid excepted

The only thing we can do is sit back and laugh at the results.



So I’m going to give all you dumb parents a break. Dumb dad’s; go ice up your nuts for a while. Dumb moms; go watch Sarah Palin’s new reality show. But before you do, plunk your little dunderheads in front of the computer and Uncle Johnny will edumacte them for you.

Uncle Johnny Creepshow’s 5 Fun Facts for Dumb Kids:

1) You know where mustard comes from? Wasps. That’s right. Bees make honey and wasps make mustard. That stuff all over your face when you eat a hot dog? That’s wasp turds.

2) Speaking of turds. Do you know why you poop? I’ll tell you why. It’s because your spine never stops growing. That’s right. Every day you grow about 8-10 inches of new spinal cord. And the old spine at the end turns brown and falls out of your but like a snake shedding its skin. It’s all because we’re descended from dinosaurs.

File Photo: Your great, great Granddad.

3) Pizza didn’t exist before 1969 and was discovered by Michael Caine while filming the Italian Job.

Most of the film involved driving and Michael Caine couldn’t drive at the time (you’ll notice you never see him drive a car in the film). So when they filmed the driving scenes Caine would watch the action from on e of the many Italian sidewalk cafes while having a nice meal and a few bottles of wine. During one scene one of the Minis lost control and went careening into Caine’s table just as he was tucking into a spaghetti Bolognese and garlic bread. When the dust settled there was Michael Cain’s garlic bread, flattened like a pancake and covered in tomato sauce and cheese. He was so furious about his ruined lunch that he forced the stunt driver to eat it. And that’s how we got pizza.

Thanks Michael.

4) While we’re on the subject of fast food, you know Arby’s famous curly fries?

They are made right on the Arby’s cattle farms by feeding the cows potatoes and then extracting the partially digested potato mush from one of the cow’s four stomachs via a special faucet in its side.

That’s why the fries are curly and it’s also why they taste like burps.

5) And you know those miniature bats they sometimes give out at baseball games?

When baseball was first played the bats were actually that size. And they weren’t swung by people. They were swung by puppets. It’s true. Baseball was invented by puppeteers as a way to relax between Punch and Judy shows. Hence the term slugger (or slug her).

Yes, I’m afraid America’s favorite pass time is just an overly complicated and drawn out metaphor for spousal abuse.

There you go kids, don’t forget to tell your friends. Now get off my rug before you dent the shag.