I’m a close personal friend of David Lee Roth.

Someone near and dear to be sent me this link for a celebrity impersonators website called Lookalike. She wanted me to see how funny and shitty some of the impersonators are.
One’s like:

Simon Cowell as a vampire in Dusk Til Dawn

Looks like shit Michael Douglas.

Penis touching Kid Rock with hypnotizing pink nips.

Looks like shit/looks like he’s taking a shit George Burns.

Guess. Come on, just try to guess. Give up? It’s David Lee Roth. Seriously! Ah ha ha ha ha!

One of the things I like about the website is that they seem to have different tiers of impersonators for the same celebrity. Let me show you.

You can get tier 1 Jennifer Aniston.

Or you can get tier 4 Jennifer Garbage Can.

You can get tier 1 Gath Brookes.

Or you can get tier 4 assistant manager at Canadian Tire with a cowboy hat and a guitar Brookes.

Or how how about tier 1 Donald Trump?

Versus tier 2 Donald’s corpse found in a trunk.

There are so many Michael Jackson’s that I don’t even want to look. Tier 8 MJ is probably so bad that he's just the real Fred Durst wearing the Jacket and Glove.

Shamon for the nookie!

Who hires these celebrity impersonators? Does anyone really think that having some assclown that barley looks like someone famous is going to liven up their party?

Ok, maybe having the the 3 for 1 Caddyshack guys might.

But you know what? Maybe you could have some fun hiring celebrity impersonators. For instance you could hire a Tom Cruise lookalike and then take him to Remingtons.

Or better yet, use him to try and get into the Scientology building and find out what’s really going on in there.

I knew it!

Or throw a party and tell everyone that some celebrity is a close personal friend of yours and they’re going to be dropping by. You can even hire fake paparazzi to help sell it to your guests. It might be a good idea to hire two of the same impersonator and keep one hidden. That way if one of your guests smells a rat you can bring out the other one to call the first one a phony and then have them fight. Or fuck it, have them fight any way. Remember when Van Damme fought Van Damme in Double Impact. That was awesome!

This part was awesome too.

Or tell the impersonator beforehand that you want them to come as one of their characters. Then tell your guests you saw your celebrity friend Tom Hanks taking a bunch of pills earlier and now he won’t stop being Forest Gump.

Don’t forget to slip away before the cops and ambulance arrive.

You could try hiring the younger version of a celebrity and still swear they’re the real thing.

What do you mean that can’t be Harrison Ford? Hey Harrison! Show this chowder head the scar on your chin.

Or better yet, try to pass off a dead celebrity.

Well if Janis Joplin is dead then who did you just see walking away with 8 inches of party sub, huh asshole?

Or for the ultimate celebrity impersonator party experience, call up the agency about 2 months in advance and tell them to have one of their Elvis impersonators grow a beard. Then tell all your guests that Elvis is still alive and that he’s hiding out in your basement. Then make a big announcement. Something like:

Everyone thought the king died back in 1977. But as I’ve made privy to a few of you here tonight, I beg to differ. Elvis Priestly is alive and well and has been right here under our noses for the past 34 years, living in my basement. And now, just because it’s Jimmy’s bachelor party, the king, the one and only Elvis Priestly is going to come upstairs and perform for you just one last time!

Then have the impersonator come up stairs and sing Heartbreak Hotel while shaving off his beard with an electric razor. When they see that it really looks like him underneath. It will blow their fucking minds.

This is not a dream people Open your eeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeesssssss!!!!!!

Ladies and gentlemen. Johnny has left the building.



Happy State Sponsered Irish Racism Day!

I don’t understand St. Patrick’s Day. Why are so many people that aren’t even Irish celebrating the Irish? And why are they doing it by reinforcing every ridiculous Irish stereotype?

I don’t seem to recall anyone doing anything to celebrate the Chinese back on February 14th. Come on. Why weren’t you all out driving your cars badly and trying to Kung-Fu fight each other?



You didn’t even have to dress up. All your clothes are made In China anyway. But nooooo. All you did for Chinese New Year was go to the Mandarin and eat your own fat fucking weight in crab legs during their Kung Hei Fat Choi buffet special. So what makes the Irish so special?

Here in Toronto we already had a parade last Sunday. Why? I don’t know.

(This is bullshit!)

Now everyone is gearing up for the big today. And with the weather being so nice it’s sure to reach drunk-con 5. I’m staying as far away from downtown as possible. I saw posters everywhere advertising a big St. Patrick’s Day Party at Tattoo Rock Parlor (I guess the bar name Worst Place In the World was already taken).

(I like how it’s sponsored by Jaggermeister. Bragora!)

And look who’s going to be there the Mahones!

Mahone Guy # 1: Hey Mahone Guy # 4, we’re having our promo shots done today. Are you going to wear your Ramones t-shirt?

Mahone Guy # 4: Hell yeah! It’s Punk Rock!

Mahone Guy # 1: Ok. But wear the one with the Ramones crest up to the side because I’m wearing the one with the Ramones crest in the middle, ok?

These guys are the poorest representation of Irish culture since these guys.

(tracks 1-10 are Jump Around)

You know who else is going to be there?

This guy:

And this guy

And probably these two shit heads:

Yep, definitely staying away.

Now don’t get me wrong. There are some things I like about St. Patrick’s day.

I kind of like that old guy that dies his beard green every year.

One year there was a squeegee punk down on Queen St. that spray painted himself green on St. Patrick’s Day. He was green for like two months after that I used to see him laying around down there all the time. It was great. Sadly I’m most certain he is now dead.

St. Patrick’s Day also means that the award winning Leprechaun films will be in heavy rotation on television. And there’s nothing wrong with that.


EMBED-Leprechaun Rap - Watch more free videos

It also gives me an excuse to pull out my Pogues records. God Bless Shane McGowan.

And here’s a St. Patrick’s Day video no one can deny enjoying:

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Case of the Mondays Numero Uno: Hipsters.

Welcome to the first (and probably last) installment of Case of the Mondays.

Today’s topic suggested by “Anonymous“ was chosen by default as it was the only topic suggested (Gee guys, nice effort). So without further ado…



HIPSTERS

What can I say about hipsters that hasn’t already been complained by just about everybody? Well first off I should address the Toronto hipsters of Queen St W. These people aren’t even real hipsters. I’ve been to Williamsburg and I’ve seen the genuine articles. It’s kind of like seeing an animal in the wild versus an animal at the zoo. They seem more comfortable and more confident in their own New York environment. The real New York hipsters have a sassy drag queen quality to Toronto’s forced to dress like a woman by my cellmate look.







Is that making any sense? Maybe I’m being too abstract. Maybe I should try another approach. Let’s say that NY Hipsters are hippies. Not a far stretch really (Self-righteous? Check. Freeloading? Check. High all the time? That’s a check). The one thing the NY Hipsters have going for them is that they’re the genuine article. They were at Woodstock, if you catch my drift. That makes the Toronto hipsters just Deadheads or even worse Phisheads! And that’s just sad.

But where did hipsters come from? They’re a fairly new phenomenon as far as pop culture goes. I’m no expert but I do have a theory. I believe that hipsters evolved out of Vice Magazine.

Now I know that Vice has been on a steady decline ever since they moved to New York but in its hey day Vice was like a bible for the young and cool. Their Dos section told girls that if they wanted to give guys “instant boners” all they had to do was pair slim jeans with heels. Meanwhile they were telling guys to drop the metro-sexual tan and faux-hawk, get some tats, grow a beard and pick up a Pabst. There was one article in particular that was a breakdown of what the ultimate Do guy and girl were like. It essentially described (one evolution) of the hipster to a tee. I wish I could find that article online to post it but I do remember that Vice made dolls based on it that they sold in their store.

One can argue that Vice didn’t create hipsters so much as just reported on what they saw on the streets. Even if they didn’t it can’t be denied that Vice had a hand at selling hipsterdom to the masses. That appears to be their final gift to the world before they faded away into unimportance. And maybe Vice had good intentions. I mean girls in tight jeans and heels do look good. Some guys look good with a beard. Pabst Blue ribbon isn’t that bad for a cheap beer. I’m more of a Lucky Lager guy myself but that might have less to do with it being a good beer and more to do with that scene with Brad Pitt in Kalifornia.







By the way have you seen Brad Pitt’s beard lately?

It’s like he’s trying to make himself ugly. Like some kind of experiment.



A lot of people begin things with good intentions. Dr. Oppenheimer, Dr. Frankenstein, and Tom Arnold’s dad are just a few that come to mind. And like these men of science, Vice were forced to watch their creation grow into a twisted monster.



The jeans became skinnier and more garish.

Pssst. Did you know guys wear these?!



The tattoos became more plentiful and meaningless

And the facial hair… have seen what’s going on with that?!

But worst of all is the scarves. Those FUCKING scarves!

It’s all enough to make you want to clean the chunks of Tom Arnold off your pitch fork and round up the townsfolk.







And that’s all I have to say about that.

Ok. We'll try this one more time. Leave your topic ideas for next week's Case of the Mondays in the comments section below. Capiche?

The Powder Blue Suit.

Who decided that the powder blue suit would be a good idea?

I’m convinced that this is a garment that was designed by Hollywood as an easy go-to costume for any nerd, geek, loser or retarded character. I don’t think it was ever worn by actual people I’ll show you what I mean.



Nerd



Takashi (the Japanease guy taking pictures of women’s crotches while saying “hair pie”) is sporting one.



Geek



Yes I know it’s a Parisian Night Suit and not quite the same but it’s still powder blue God Damn it!



Loser

Oh and just because I love it here’s the toilet scene from Dumb & Dumber too.

Retarded

For those that don’t know, this is Don Cherry. He’s a Canadian hockey commentator. I’m pretty sure he’s retarded. He’s also responsible for this:







So was there ever a time that the powder blue suit was fashionable? It must have been some brief four day period in the mid-seventies. After that it immediately became a symbol of the socially avoided.

Some time in 90s the powder blue suit didn’t so much evolve as take on new responsibilities. It became the hilarious great idea for dumb high school jocks to wear to prom:

I actually overheard a bunch of guys at my high school talking about how they were all going to dress like this and then show up in a rented U-Haul van. Way to test the Prom’s status as guaranteed action night guys (What am I saying? I’m sure girls just love it when you treat one of the most important nights of their life as a joke.)

You had to go there didn’t you buddy. She looks reeaall happy. I wonder why your face is now blurred out?



So I guess anyone that wears the powder blue suit as hip comedic irony is kind of an asshole and therefore can be included in the socially avoided category. Huh. I guess the power of the powder blue suit hasn’t changed at all. And in the immortal words of Forest Gump (Didn’t he wear a powder blue suit?):

“That’s all I’ve got to say about that.”

No it was kind of beige. Well I’m sure he would have worn one if that drugged up hippy bitch Jenny had married him in the 70s instead going off and getting disco AIDS and then coming crawling back to him. God I hated her.