Hi, I’m Jerry O’Connell.

But you all know me as the fat kid from Stand By Me.

No not the pie barfing one. The other one.

That’s the one. That chubby bugger is me.

 As the fat kid from Stand By Me Johnny Creepshow has asked me to come on here today and relay an important message to my fellow Americans. It would appear that we’re becoming quite the pants loads.

For those of you with digits to lard laden to click on the link or for those of you that can’t stop picturing the McRib long enough to read the article, allow me to give you the gist of it. This month a study was released highlighting America’s downward spiral into obesity in the past 20 years. In 1991 there was not a single state with an obesity rate over 20%. Now more than two-thirds of our united states are at rates above 25 percent. In a chocolate covered deep fried nutshell America is just getting fatter and fatter.

It no doubt cost several million dollars for a team of scientists to bring you this information.

Even though this team could have told you for minimum wage and a promise not to be scheduled this Saturday.

Now you can point your dialing wand at all sorts of reasons for this unprecedented blimp-out. Big business’ control over the country’s food sources, the lack of nutritional standards in school cafeterias, the existence of fried cola. I’m no dietitian or socio-economical expert; I’m the fat kid from Stand By Me. So I’m not going to get into it. Besides, I’m too busy being amused by the fact that a large percentage of my countrymen now resemble what was once a sideshow attraction.

This is Chauncey Morlan. 100 years ago he was considered so fat that people would pay money just to look at him.

Here’s a collection of pictures taken from the first page of a Google Image search for typical American:

Wow! Don’t go asking Madam Ruby to rub her crystal ball and send you into the future Chauncy. You’ll be out of a job.

Actually that’s not true. You can still be a cop.

But here’s what really worries me about America. If these rates continue to rise, we are in serious danger of becoming uncool. There was a time when America set the standard for cool. Remember these guys?

But how is America going to remain cool when we’re all fat? The fat kid is never cool. That’s one thing a lifetime of appearing in bad movies and sitcoms has taught me. Sure you might get to make out with the occasional hot drunk chick in the end or smirk at Chad the bully when he crashes his hot rod or falls in the mud but cool? No. No way. Vern Tessio was never cool. You don’t even know who that is do you? That was the name of the fat kid from Stand By Me!

See. Not cool.

But worry not my beefy patriots. The unfathomable wealth I obtained from playing coked up cans hound Joe Francis Derrick Jones in Piranha 3D last year has given me a lot of free time. And I decided to spend some of it researching ways in which fat Americans can still be cool.

Become a chef.

In the world of culinary arts fat equals experience. People look at a fat chef and think Hmm, he must know what he’s doing. Look at the size of him. Get yourself some funky glasses and a few tattoos and you could be the next Graham Elliot.

Become a Gangster Rapper.



Some of the coolest guys in the rap business are also the fattest.

There’s Big Pun.

Fat Joe.

Notorious B.I.G.

And let’s not forget Heavy D.

And the best part about being a fat rapper is that you don’t even have to worry about the long term effects of your obesity because you’re probably just going to get shotanyways. So all you need to do is brush up on your rhymes, choose a name that lets people no your fat and hit the buffet.



Become a wrestler.

In the world of professional wrestling there are two types of wrestler. Big oiled up muscle hunks.

And human oddities.

(Try to guess which is which.)

And you don’t even have to be that freaky to be a wrestler. Hell the Earthquake was just a fat guy in a unitard.

All you really need is a gimmick. And it doesn’t even need to be a clever gimmick. Jake the Snake Roberts just had a snake.

Oh and you ladies out there, don’t think you can’t get in on this too. Women in wrestling are becoming more and more popular. Just choose a persona and get to body slamming. Here I’ll even help you out. From the deepest dankest shag carpeted trailer in Florida comes…

TheMiss Real America!

Her finishing move could be to pick up her scrawny, emasculated husband/manger and hit her opponent with him. Or better yet she could use one of her kids.

Become a biker.

Bikers have always been synonymous with cool. Think Sonny Barger or Dennis Hopper in Easy Rider.

And one of the best parts about being a biker is that you’re an outlaw, a social misfit. That’s right, you can be as hairy or as dirty or, yes, even as fat as you like.

Try telling these guys to do the truffle shuffle.

And before McDonald’s insured America that a 1,000 calorie lunch is only a short breathless shuffle in any direction to the nearest corner the only way to truly top up your grease traps was to hit the open road.

You could be sitting in a McDinning room right now. Leaning over a 20 piece nuggets and hoping that the aroma of sweet and sour sauce can overpower the acrid stench of pee wafting from the play room ball pitlong enough for you to choke them down. Or you could be out on the open road, perched atop a Harley.Your old lady wraps her arms around your biker gut and squeezes tight and you belch and re-chew a mouthful of chili and heavenly hot dog meat.

Now that’s America.

Oops, you caught me doing a little research for Stand By Me 2.

Well that’s ok. I’m not ashamed of being known as the fat kid from Stand By Me. At least it keeps people from remembering My Secret Identity.





Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0003

Welcome to our third installment of AMISQ. Want to know what it’s all about? Just click on the phrase below the picture.

I heart donkey Dong.

With that out of the way let’s do as Shirley Ellis says and Get right down to the real nitty gritty.

Question 3: How disabled do you have to be to compete in the Paralympics?

A while back Canada hosted the Winter Olympics. Apart from the Hockey it was a real suckfest. But what I learned is that they hold the Paralympics right after the regular Olympics in the same country. The Paralympics is like the regular Olympics but for athletes with disabilities.

That got me thinking. Just how disabled do you have to be to compete in the Paralympics? Could Ben Johnson just go and cut off his finger and compete?

I’ll have to think of a new celebration but damn it’ll be worth it.

And what about the grossly obese? Isn’t obesity considered a disability now? Can they compete? My money wouldn’t be on them for them for the 100 meter dash but good luck trying to pin them in the wrestling ring.



Unless they have to face this dude.



And what about prosthetics? Have you seen that guy that runs on those blade things?

He was disqualified from competing in the regular Olympics because he was too fast! But prosthetics have to be allowed in the Paralympics otherwise it’s going to be a long race. But to what extent are they allowed? What’s stopping someone with no legs just jamming their torso into a go cart to race? Or better yet one of these.

I’m thinking even I could win in this thing.

Or why not go a step even further. What’s stopping me from removing my brain and putting it in a big robot like Krang?

I could even remove all the brains of the Harlem Globe Trotters and put them in 30 foot robots.

Feed me the rock you j-j-j-j-jive turk-e.

So what say you Magic Internet? I know it’s a lot to jam into one question but Ben’s got his finger poised over the garbage disposal here.

Beep Beeeeeep Boop (sound from the beginning of that stupid Bran van 3000 song) Zrrrrrrrt. Ding!

Magic Internet Answer: Excellent question Johnny, so multifaceted. The Paralympics groups its athletes into one of four distinct categories. They are as follows:

- Amputee: Athletes with a partial or total loss of at least one limb.

- Cerebral Palsy: Athletes with non-progressive brain damage, for example Cerebral Palsy, traumatic brain injury, stroke or similar disabilities affecting muscle control, balance or coordination.

- Intellectual Disability: Athletes with a significant impairment in intellectual functioning and associated limitations in adaptive behavior. The Paralympics primarily serves athletes with physical disabilities, but the disability group Intellectual Disabilaty have been added to some Paralympic Games. This includes only elite athletes with intellectual disabilites, where few qualify.

- Wheelchair: Athletes with spinal cord injuries and other disabilities which require them to compete in a wheelchair.

- Visually Impaired: Athletes with visual impairment ranging from partial vision, sufficient to be judged legally blind, to total blindness.

- Les Autres: Athletes with a physical disability that does not fall strictly under one of the other five categories, such as dwarfism, multiple sclerosis or congenital deformities of the limbs such as that caused by thalidomide. (The name for this category is the French for the others. And before you ask, no, ghosts would not be allowed to compete because they are not human).

There are committees for each one of these groups and there are further committees for each different event. These committees closely examine each individual athlete to determine their specific disability category. They then do their best to gage how much the disability hinders the athlete. Athletes for each event are then grouped or paired with athletes that are considered equally challenged.

So Ben Johnson would have to cut off a lot more than his finger in order to qualify as an Amputee. If Ben were to remove a limb in order to compete his considerable running experience would still be brought in to account and he would be paired with athletes of equal or near equal skill (that may be difficult though as the Paralympics, like the Olympics have strict ant-doping rules. Ha, ha, internet make joke ;)) Oscar Pistorius (the guy that runs on the blades to you) would make a suitable competitor for Ben and I must correct you. Oscars disqualification from competing in the Olympics was over-turned however he missed the qualification time by .70 seconds and did not compete.

Bummer.

As for using a motorized wheel chair, the Paralympics has strict rules governing wheel chairs for different events. In particular Rule 159 Para 5 states: No mechanical gears or levers shall be allowed, that may be used to propel the chair. It would be no stretch of the imagination to assume that putting one’s brain in a giant robot would also be grounds for disqualification.

No cyborgs aaaalloooowwwwed.

Your sub-question regarding the inclusion of obese athletes in the Paralympics is most perplexing. Many courts in both Canada and the United States have recognized obesity as a disability but the issue is still up for debate. It would be up to the Paralympics Committee to determine if an obese individual would qualify. With the Paralympics focus on athletics and fitness it is hard to see them allowing an athlete to compete solely on obesity but if they did I imagine it would be categorized under Les Autres and they would compete against other obese athletes. Which could open the gates for something I’m sure you would find exciting…

an all obese Olympics.



Oh my god, oh my god oh my god. You’ve made my day. Thanks Magic Internet!

Hey, where did it go? Wow, I guess the internet really is magic.

Nice bomb Faisal. I’ve seen more dangerous shit confiscated by a grade school principal. Now do the Truffle Shuffle!

So I see they caught that guy that tried to blow up Time Square.

I use the word tried in the loosest sense. He didn’t even have the kind of fertilizer that blows up. It seems to me that any idiot could figure out what kind of fertilizer blows up in about 10 seconds worth of Google clicks. I’m not going to try it though because I don’t want Canada’s version of the FBI knocking down my door tonight.

(File photo: CSIS)

Maybe that’s why he didn’t Google it. He thought if he did someone would be monitoring his Google from the FBI’s Google monitoring station and then they’d use their top secrete live version of Google Earth to find him.

(Hey chief, we’ve got someone else picking up fertilizer here!)

You would think they could have told him what kind of fertilizer to use at one of those terrorist training camps he went to. What the hell are they teaching over there anyway?



You know what? They probably don’t have fertilizer over there. That’s why there’s so much desert. Even if he did have the right kind I still don’t think his crummy bomb would have worked. One of the other key components he used was firecrackers! Maybe I’m wrong but a bomb that contains fire crackers doesn’t sound like much of a bomb. I like fireworks though. My favorite firework was always the Burning School House.

I used to make my teacher with a firecracker body and matches for hair. Then I’d make her hanging out the window. Once I even made her out of a bottle rocket and she shot off into the creek. Take that Mrs. Bernell you bitch! I wonder what kind of firecrackers the terrorist guy used?



The news is saying that his car bomb was like a Rube Goldberg device. Named after Reuben Lucius Goldberg, a cartoonist and inventor that came up with wacky complex machines that performed simple tasks.

Not to be confused with Dr. Goldfoot the creator of the Bikini Machine.

I’m not sure what my favorite Rube Goldberg device from movies is. I want to say the breakfast maker from Pee Wee’s big adventure.



But Goonies gate opening machine forces Chunk to do the Truffle Shuffle.

I've changed this to a link because it keeps starting up on its own. Click below to watch... balls.

The Truffle Shuffle Gate.

Maybe they should force Faisal Shahzad to do the Truffle Shuffle for everyone in Time Square as part of his punishment. Except I don’t think he has much of a gut. Instead I say he should be suplexed to death in time square by Hulk Hogan as part of NYC’s Rockin’ New Year Show.

Hulk Hogan: Should I suplex him again broootherssss?!

Crowd: USA! USA! USA!

Hulk Hogan: I’ll take that as a yes Hulkamaniacs! *SUPLEX *SUPLEX *SUPLEX*

Oh well, thanks for not blowing up New York. I had a pretty good time hanging out with you last year and I’d like to see you again sometime. Wink.

And as for you Faisal, in honor of your lame bomb that failed to do anything more then stink up your cheap Craigslist SUV, here’s video after video of fat kids doing the Truffle Shuffle. USA! USA! USA!