I’m a close personal friend of David Lee Roth.

Someone near and dear to be sent me this link for a celebrity impersonators website called Lookalike. She wanted me to see how funny and shitty some of the impersonators are.
One’s like:

Simon Cowell as a vampire in Dusk Til Dawn

Looks like shit Michael Douglas.

Penis touching Kid Rock with hypnotizing pink nips.

Looks like shit/looks like he’s taking a shit George Burns.

Guess. Come on, just try to guess. Give up? It’s David Lee Roth. Seriously! Ah ha ha ha ha!

One of the things I like about the website is that they seem to have different tiers of impersonators for the same celebrity. Let me show you.

You can get tier 1 Jennifer Aniston.

Or you can get tier 4 Jennifer Garbage Can.

You can get tier 1 Gath Brookes.

Or you can get tier 4 assistant manager at Canadian Tire with a cowboy hat and a guitar Brookes.

Or how how about tier 1 Donald Trump?

Versus tier 2 Donald’s corpse found in a trunk.

There are so many Michael Jackson’s that I don’t even want to look. Tier 8 MJ is probably so bad that he's just the real Fred Durst wearing the Jacket and Glove.

Shamon for the nookie!

Who hires these celebrity impersonators? Does anyone really think that having some assclown that barley looks like someone famous is going to liven up their party?

Ok, maybe having the the 3 for 1 Caddyshack guys might.

But you know what? Maybe you could have some fun hiring celebrity impersonators. For instance you could hire a Tom Cruise lookalike and then take him to Remingtons.

Or better yet, use him to try and get into the Scientology building and find out what’s really going on in there.

I knew it!

Or throw a party and tell everyone that some celebrity is a close personal friend of yours and they’re going to be dropping by. You can even hire fake paparazzi to help sell it to your guests. It might be a good idea to hire two of the same impersonator and keep one hidden. That way if one of your guests smells a rat you can bring out the other one to call the first one a phony and then have them fight. Or fuck it, have them fight any way. Remember when Van Damme fought Van Damme in Double Impact. That was awesome!

This part was awesome too.

Or tell the impersonator beforehand that you want them to come as one of their characters. Then tell your guests you saw your celebrity friend Tom Hanks taking a bunch of pills earlier and now he won’t stop being Forest Gump.

Don’t forget to slip away before the cops and ambulance arrive.

You could try hiring the younger version of a celebrity and still swear they’re the real thing.

What do you mean that can’t be Harrison Ford? Hey Harrison! Show this chowder head the scar on your chin.

Or better yet, try to pass off a dead celebrity.

Well if Janis Joplin is dead then who did you just see walking away with 8 inches of party sub, huh asshole?

Or for the ultimate celebrity impersonator party experience, call up the agency about 2 months in advance and tell them to have one of their Elvis impersonators grow a beard. Then tell all your guests that Elvis is still alive and that he’s hiding out in your basement. Then make a big announcement. Something like:

Everyone thought the king died back in 1977. But as I’ve made privy to a few of you here tonight, I beg to differ. Elvis Priestly is alive and well and has been right here under our noses for the past 34 years, living in my basement. And now, just because it’s Jimmy’s bachelor party, the king, the one and only Elvis Priestly is going to come upstairs and perform for you just one last time!

Then have the impersonator come up stairs and sing Heartbreak Hotel while shaving off his beard with an electric razor. When they see that it really looks like him underneath. It will blow their fucking minds.

This is not a dream people Open your eeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeesssssss!!!!!!

Ladies and gentlemen. Johnny has left the building.



Je Ne Sais Pas, Van Damme.

Last night I was watching this video of Dolph Lundgren. Have you seen it? It’s amazing.



Unfamiliar with Dolph’s work? Allow me to freshen your memory. He played He Man in Masters of the Universe.

For those of you who think he looks kind of gay as He Man, let’s look at some of the other people that have dressed up as He Man.

By comparison I’d say Dolph looks pretty bad ass.

He also played Andrew Scott in Universal Soldier.

That’s right. Alongside none other than splits performing, super bad ass Jean Claude Van Damme.

This got me thinking about Van Damme and some of his films. Why is it that in many of the movies Van Damme made they felt they had to explain his Belgian accent?

For example in Lionheart he played a deserter of the French Foreign Legion. If you thought Dolph Lundgren looked gay as He Man, check this out.




I think they also filmed Gerardo’s Rico Suave at the same location.



In Death Warrant Van Damme plays a (French) Canadian policeman that goes under cover in a prison. It’s kind of like Shawshank Redemption but with all the intelligent and uplifting parts replaced by kicking.

I’ve seen that guy with the fu Manchu get his ass kicked in at least 10 different movies.

Hard Target has Jean Claude taking on the roll of a New Orleans drifter (from the French quarter) who, while trying to help a woman find out what happened to her father, stumbles on a group of bad guys that hunt hobos for sport. This may be the most complicated Van Damme plot yet.

Man, did you cheer while watching that? I did.

You see what I mean about how they keep explaining his accent? What does it matter? Does anyone watching these movies care? And why didn’t they ever do it with Arnold Schwarzenegger? His accent is even crazier. James Cameron never felt the need to explain to us why our robot enemies of the future decided to give their time traveling cybernetic killing machine a thick Austrian accent. In fact the closest anyone came to making any sort of statement regarding Arnie’s language barrier was the makers of Hercules In New York. In the original release they just gave up and dubbed his voice completely. I wonder why?



Maybe producers thought Americans couldn’t accept the concept of one of their heroes having a French sounding accent.

Maybe if they had ignored it and cast Van Damme as an American in all his films he’d be a governor now too. Maybe I need to stop thinking about bad movies for a while.

Oh well. At least you got to watch some awesome videos with me. Have a good weekend yall.