Gooddognohumpbegginsnauseobites

Good evening ladies and germs. Ha, ha, ha. Was that line ever actually funny? Do you think the punk band the Germs ever opened one of their shows with that line?

Someone threw away a perfectly good white girl.

Now that was a funny line!



Oh well, cutting edge 1940s comedy lines and Better Off Dead clips aside, I do have something on my mind today. Dog treats. Have you seen what’s going on with dog treats these days?

Wild Alaskin Salmon?!

Grilled Wild Boar?! (Not fried, no, on. Grilled)

Dog Ice Cream?!

My dog sleeps on the floor, shits on the sidewalk and hasn’t had a bath in at least 2 weeks. It’s essentially like living with a homeless person. Yet I’m supposed feed it the menu equivalent of Jamie Oliver teaming up with Ted Nugent and Ben & Jerry to open up a restaurant in Williamsburg?! It’s madness I tell you. But it’s not like we all didn’t see this coming. Dog food makers have been exploiting dog owners’ own selfish cravings for years. I think it began with the revelation that most dog owners are only slightly smarter than their pets and if you can create a dog food that the owner would kind of like to eat then chances are they will buy it for their pet.

Take Kibbles ‘N Bits for example.



It may be the first dog food to have its own distinctive look. And you know what? It’s just Bits & Bites for dogs.

The name’s pretty much the same and it even looks the same.

Even down to those little orange bullet shaped things that were everyone’s favorite.

Then Alpo came out with its Prime Cuts line of canned dog food.

In Gravy!

Hell even I kind of want to eat that. And look at the can in the background there. It might as well be Chunky Soup.

Fully loaded?!

I wonder how many drunken bachelors have come home and accidently heated up a can of Alpo. Or better yet fed a can of Chunky to their dog the next morning?

YES!

But then things changed. Stupid people started eating worse and worse food. There was no way that the next generation of dumb-people-insta -food could be sold based on its visual appeal. Have you ever seen inside a Michalina’s?

What did you expect from something called Wheels & Cheese?

So how do you sell crap like this to the public? Well you could go the route of the TV Dinner people and push quantity.

Now in your shirt size!

Or you could use those flavor buzz wards we all know so well. Words like cheese and bacon.

The food industry collectively said, Let it be so. And the dog food people, happy that they no longer had to make a can of liquefied horse balls look like prime rib, jumped for joy.

Dogs shouldn’t be eating bacon. People shouldn’t be eating bacon. If we really loved our dogs we would demand treats based on what the dog really likes. Not what we like. Now that’s a good idea.

Presenting: Creepshow’s Gooddognohumpbegginsnauseobites (With distinct flavors that are just for dogs. No humans allowed!)

Flavors like:

Other Dog’s Ass

It may be no bed or roses to you but what dog doesn’t love the heady aroma of another dogs ass? Well now they can enjoy it in the form of a treat. Slip a couple of these in your purse and you’ll have a good boy all day long. (Comes in both male and female flavors for insane homophobes.)

Or try:

Toilet Bowl

How many times have you told your dog to get away from that toilet bowl? Well now you can reward him for doing so with exactly what he wants. Toilet bowl flavored treats.

And roll over for:

Tramp’s Pant Leg

Like Marco Polo returning from the Orient laden with exotic spices your average tramp’s trousers are laden with revolting delicacies the likes have which can only be required by a true gentleman of the road. We’ve done our best to capture these savory treats in a biscuit form that we think your dog will love. (just don’t ask us how, you don’t want to know.)

The Bag the Chinese Food Came In

Pretty self-explanatory treat here. Your dog can enjoy it any time and you don’t have to worry about him ingesting that pesky receipt staple.

Sundried Racoon Guts

Mmm, that leash pullingly good taste of something that once ate garbage and is now long dead. What more could a dog ask for?

You see. Your dog’s true culinary desires range from mildly nauseating to truly revolting. And I suppose no one is going to want market that. Well at least these new modern foody options for dogs claim to be more healthy. If that means our dogs will live longer and happier lives, then I guess I’m for it.

And bonus: No more white dog poop.

Also I kind of like the idea of watching dogs eat ice cream

Smell ya later good dogs.

CSI: Trivial Revulsion Unit.

There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you all. Something very disturbing. A few months ago I found out that someone had been taking shits in my building!

That’ll get you a husband.

And I’m not talking about shits in the toilets of my building. Of course people take shits there. (Except maybe some of the old people. Some of them look and act like they haven’t taken a shit in months.)

3 months 4 days on the left. 8 and 12 on the right.

No I’m talking about some filthy animal defecating in the garbage room and the hallways. (Of the 21st and 22nd floors to be precise.) I did not bear witness to the offensive leavings first hand and for this I am truly thankful. I don’t know if any of you have come across human shit outside of its natural environment.

New pet turd natural habitat aquarium! Self cleaning!

Living in a buzzing metropolis as I do does have its downsides and let me tell you, it is not a pretty sight. It looks all black and sloppy and disgusting and there’s usually some sort of wiping implement next to it. Allow me to demonstrate. If you’re eating chocolate pudding or a hearty beef stew, take a bite….

Now!

See, it’s disgusting. I pick up my dog’s shit everyday no problem but coming within 10 feet of something like that up there leaves a lasting psychological scar. Who would subject people to that? My original plan was to bring together some of the world’s greatest sleuths to help me identify this butt muck bandit.

The inclusion of toilet paper tells us 2 things. That the shitting was premeditated and that the shitter was left handed.

Err, umm, just one more question Mr. Peterson. Did you have corn for dinner last night?

But it turns out that all of my super sleuths aren’t really sleuths at all. They’re just actors that solve mysteries on TV. And on top of that, most of them are dead. All is not lost though. I’ve read my fare share of Ian Rankin novels and I’ve watched my fare share of First 48 episodes. Detective Johnny Creepshow Shit Investigator will take the case.

Someone get me my mirror shades and my Who tape.

Let’s start by taking a better look at the crime scene. My building is not one of these building where human defecation in common areas is to be expected. I do not live in one of those buildings like in Coming to America.



I’d also like to add that my building has good working plumbing and that each separate dwelling contains (I hope) a toilet. Now if the shitting only took place on one floor and was only confined to the relative privacy of the garbage room we could entertain the theory that the shitter was in a desperate situation and unable to gain access to a toilet. (Lost his keys, first date with a hot girl, roommate masturbating in their shared bathroom etc…). But no, the shitting took place on multiple floors and in the hallway. What does this tell us? It tells us that our suspect is clearly deranged and that the shit is not only a manifestation of the suspect’s mental instability but that it is also a message to others around him. If the shitting was purely a symptom of one’s decent into madness then we would expect it to continue but it seems to have stopped. If we can figure out who these analy authored messages are for. Then we will be one step closer to unmasking our shiter.

Possible message recipients:

Building Management

An obvious choice. Every tenant at one time or another has a complaint about their building landlord/management. But to go the extreme of shitting in your own building? It doesn’t seem right. Besides, the management office is in the other building right across the parking lot. Why not shit there? Or you could even mail it to them like in Pink Flamingos.



The Cleaning Staff.

Another viable target as they will be the ones that have to clean it up. Perfect revenge for one who has been slighted by them. But who would take offence to the cleaning staff? They’re all very nice and they do a good job. That only leaves one other recipient

Neighboring Tenants.

They are the most likely targets. People often become disgruntled by their neighbors. And as the feuding goes on, things can escalate and get a bit of hand.

The Reverse Birmingham - watch more funny videos

Based on all the information available and the lack of further evidence (thankfully) I have narrowed my investigation down to three suspects. They are as follows.

Suspect 1: The lady that lives above me.

I’ve only met her a couple of times but I’m pretty sure this is her.

One time she came down and knocked on my door and told me to leave her stuff alone or she would call the cops on me. It turns out she’s crazy and knocked on all the doors around her because she thought her neighbors were stealing her stuff. Actually she’s probably not responsible for shitting in the hall but I’m going to say she is because I don’t like her and it’s my investigation. (Innocent people get convicted of things they didn’t do all the time.)

Suspect 2: That weird blonde kid.

He’s like this but uglier.

There used to be a bunch of kids that would run around the halls of my building leaving candy wrappers and bits of food on the floor. Mostly they were just kids being kids but the blonde on was creepy. I a have yet to establish a motive for him but he was once witnessed out back peeing on a mop and chasing the other kids with it. He is now a teenager and it’s not hard to envision him escalating from mop peeing to hallway shitting. Also his mom comes out onto their balcony in her underwear all the time. That’s got to mess him up.

Suspect 3: The bum that used to sleep out back.

My main suspect. We had a homeless, druggy guy that used to sleep on a ledge behind our building. He was really annoying because he would leave his old socks and all his weird junky shit back there and sometimes if I was out back in the park with the dog and she barked he would yell at her to shut up. Nobody liked him and various methods were employed to try and get him to leave including threats, police and throwing cold water on him/his stuff. Eventually they put up fencing so he could no longer get at his ledge. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he held a grudge against the tenants of my building. Maybe while he was laying back there pretending to sleep he was secretly listening to the conversations of the people in the dog park and gaining information as to which floors the people he disliked most lived on. Bums are no strangers to public defecation. He may have slipped in behind someone coming in through the front doors and headed upstairs to exact his smelly revenge. Perhaps after his last dump he was spotted in the lobby and deemed it too risky to attempt further shits. Or perhaps he’s biding his time. Knowing that revenge is a dump best served cold and he will strike again when we lease expect it. I never got a decent look at him, so I best keep my eye out for any down and out in my neighborhood with a shifty look in his eye.

I googled the word shifty and all I got was this washed up mess from Crazytown. He is now a suspect too.

Sadly this is a case that has also grown cold and I am left with the sickening thought shared by many a detective on the hunt of a serial killer. I have no chance of catching my man (you know it’s a man) unless he strikes again. And with that being said, let’s hope this forever remains an unsolved mystery.