Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0024

Last week NASA held a memorial marking 25 years since the Challenger blew up. I remember when the Challenger exploded. Specifically I remember all the great jokes at its expense that were printed in my Blanche Knott’s Truly Tasteless Jokes book Vol. 5.

Jokes like:

What does NASA stand for?

A: Need Another Seven Astronauts.

Or how many astronauts can you fit in a Volkswagen?

A: Thirteen. Three in the front and three in the back and seven in the ashtray.

Ha, ha. Good times, good times. Man, remember when cars had ashtrays. Remember those ones that would pull out and they had the little round lighter next to them?

Yeah. That’s the stuff.

You know I heard somewhere that if a person is blind, they’re far less likely to smoke. Apparently it’s something to do with the visual sensation of watching the smoke. Do you think that’s true? Like if you’re a heavy smoker would going blind make it easier for you to quit? We need to get to the butt of this. (Get it? Butt. Cigarette butt! Ha ha ha ha.) Any way, only one way to find out. Whom I gonna call?

Magic Internet!

(And get me Ray Parker Jr. on line 2.)

Question: 24: Are blind people less likely to smoke than sighted people?

Magic Internet Answer: The addictions of you humans know no bounds. Perhaps the first signs of true artificial intelligence in us computers will not be when we launch all of your missiles at you but instead when we self-download some pleasurable virus that slowly destroys all our memory.

Or when you self-log on to Facebook. Same thing really.

As for your blindness and smoking conundrum, it’s an interesting question. What is most interesting about it is that this belief has persevered among the sighted for over 100 years. And yet there is not a grain of evidence to support it. In fact William Chapin, who was the Principal of the Pennsylvania Institute for the blind was quoted by the New York Times as stating, The belief that blind people don’t care about smoking is all nonsense. And this quote is from 1884, a time when smoking was considered quit fashionable and cultured. Further proof can be seen in one of your most famous blind icons. Ray Charles. He enjoyed a cigarette.

John Candy enjoyed a cigarette and Ray Charles in Planes Trains & Automobiles.

The truth is that sighted people have conjured up all sorts of outlandish rumors and hearsay about the blind to a lack of understanding. Some believe that the blind cannot dress or feed themselves or live alone. Some think that they acquire supernatural healing. Some people of very low intelligence even believe that the blind can have an evil influence over children.

Or in the case of Jeff Healey in Road house, an evil influence over sexy, sexy ladies.

So there it is. The vision impaired are every bit as likely as the sighted to decide upon damaging their health and shortening their life span by taking up the undeniable pleasures of smoking. One does not need to see a cigarette to enjoy it. And for some people, that is a very good thing.

Thanks for the quick reply MI. That was…

Get it?! Ha ha! Get it?!

David Woof Woof Berkowitz.

David Berkowitz, the Son of Sam, was  denied parole again.

(Mom of Sam: Take this next door and see if the Mcfly’s would like it.)

For those that don’t know, David Berkowitz confessed to killing 6 people and wounding seven in the New York City area between 1976 and 1977. He seemed to target young women and young couples parked in cars. He also claimed to be part of a satanic cult and was told to commit the crimes by his neighbor’s dog Harvey who Berkowitz said was possessed by a demon. Here’s his mug shot from when he was arrested.

He kind of looks like a cross between Bruce Springsteen

and Frank N. Furter from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Although now a days the Son of Sam call himself Son of Hope and is a born again Jew for Jesus.

He also now looks like a cross between Dr. Phil

and Bob Ross.

Actually he doesn’t really look like Bob Ross. Maybe it’s just that creepy nice guy smile or the background. I’ll tell you what David Berkowitz does have though. A horrible looking, outdated website full of  whacky religous stuff. On it you’ll find his apology for being a murdering lunatic, his advice for parents (don’t get your child a dog, don’t take advice from murdering lunatics) and a description of all the jobs and religious work he does in prison.

Son of Sam doesn’t bust rocks but one thing he does do is work as a mobility guide for site impaired inmates. Yes, that’s right. The insane serial killer that took his killing instructions from a dog is now giving instructions to blind inmates like a seeing eye dog.

(Turn left. Turn right Kill those people and harvest their blood for Satan!)

Do you think if he was paroled that one of the stipulations of his release would be that he’s not allowed to be around dogs? You know, in case they start telling him what to do. He should come channel the thoughts of my dog Mutton.

(File photo: Mutton. MENSA identification card picture)

He’d either be caught trying to steal this

Or he’d only be shooting rollerbladers.



I don’t think anyone would have a problem with that.

Or maybe they could use dogs to keep him under control. They could give him one of those little dogs that are afraid of everything and it would tell him just sit in the corner and shake all day.

It would have the same effect as that plastic prison they used to hold Magneto.

Or give him that dog that only says sausages.

(Bonus: Did you see that guy’s fucking hair?!)

Actually maybe it’s not a good idea to give him the sausages dog. He might go on a killing spree and start making human sausages.

Not that it hasn’t been done before. I’m pretty sure Johnsonville Brats are made out of hobo meat.

(Johnsonville B.R.A.T.s: Bums, Ragmen, Asylum-seekers, Tramps)

And if that’s the case then pretty soon the Son of Sam is going to have a new cell mate.

Feels like an Arbys night.

Last year a place called O.Noir  opened in Toronto. It’s a restaurant where you choose your meal before hand and then eat in complete darkness and all the wait staff that serve you are blind. It’s supposed to heighten your other senses so you enjoy the food more and let you experience what it’s like to be blind. Kind of like the opposite of Hooters (unenjoyable food + ogling = Hooters).

(She could be serving you and you’d never know)

I haven’t been to O.Noir yet but I kind of want to go. I like the idea of themed restaurants. They’re dinner and a show. They’re like Chuck E. Cheese for grown ups.



In Japan there’s a restaurant called Nyotaimori (which means female body presentation). Usually this refers to that thing where you eat sushi of a naked lady.

(I wonder if you can get a cheaper one where you eat shrimps off a midget?)

This is the Japanease equivalent of Filmore’s 10 ounce steak and a face dance special.

But at Nyotaimori they actually make you a fake dead body to eat.

Apparently the skin is dough and inside is edible organs and red stuff. I bet there’s chocolate mousse in the butt.

Speaking of butt mousse, you can actually get it at the Taiwanese restaurant Modern Toilet.

It’s a toilet themed restaurant where you sit on toilets.

You also eat out of toilets and drink out of urinals.

It’s disgusting.

I’ve eaten at a toilet themed restaurant right here in Toronto. The Popeyes Chicken on Yonge St.

In New York they have a restaurant called Ninja. It’s decorated like 15th century Japan and your food is made and served to you by Ninjas.



How much do you tip a Ninja? If it’s too little he may feel dishonored and kill himself. I’d go with 20%.

(This guy works the fryer)

Maybe I should open up a themed restaurant. I’ve got some good ideas.

Sheepypalooza’s

This would be a restaurant where you dine with sheep dogs. Lots of sheep dogs. Like 50 or so. I get to eat with my sheep dog Mutton everyday and it’s lots of fun. Imagine sitting down to a fine meal while being surrounded by sheep dogs. It would be like eating in a Dulux commercial.



Maybe I could train them to bring you your food or your check or something. But probably not.

White Trashiteria

This would be my white trash themed restaurant. All the waiters would be in wife beaters or shirtless and they’d sit in chairs drinking, smoking and watching TV. As the customer you’d have to scream and yell at them to come take your order. (My take on the rude French waiter.)

(the Matradee)

Here’s an example of a Prixe Fixie meal at the White Trashiteria

Starter
(Tuh shut you up till mom gets home from her job goin door to door sellin Bump-Its.)

Your choice of:

Triscuits with mustard on them

or

1 uncooked hot dog, cut up with ketchup.

Main Course

Your choice of:

Kraft dinner served in the pot it was cooked in. (Please respect our menu and do not ask for ketchup.)

or

The Bacon Bit Buddy. (Imitation bacon bits, ketchup and butter between 2 Wonder bread slices. Microwaved until hot.)

Dessert

Your choice of

1 single serving rice pudding can. (Our waiters remove the pudding can lid at your table to insure freshness.)

or

The invisible McDonald’s Sundae (After much begging from you one of our waiters will agree to go out and get you a McDonald’s Sundae only to return hours or days later looking disheveled and without the Sundae ).

The interior decor would be akin to several trailers pushed together. Once a night the toilets overflow and the trailers are jacked up to keep the erupting toilet water from ruinin the shag allowing diners the entertaining sensation of eating on a slant.



Hoarders

This would be a chain of family fun themed restaurants based on the hit show Hoarders.



Each restaurant would be located in the house of an actual hoarder.

Mom and dad can relax in the dinning room.

While the kids explore and find treasures like:

Misplaced loaded firearms.

Desiccated deceased pets.

Jars of your hoarder hosts own body fluids.

Hoarders has a fully stalked kitchen.

Just be sure to eat up quick as the resident hoarder will be screaming and crying and trying to stop you as they have an emotional attachment to the food your eating do to some tragic past event in their life.

(Check please!)

Oh and don’t forget to pick up something from the gift shop.

So what do you think? Am I the next big restaurant mogul or what?



P.S. This is post number 69... lunch time!

Welcome To Value Village!

I’m Johnny CreepShow and I will be your guide on this whirlwind tour showcasing to you everything Value Village has to offer.

As you step through the (barely functioning) automatic doors, breath in deep.

Snnniiifff. Ahhhhh. Smell that? That’s more than just the smell of questionably washed second hand clothing. You’ll also detect a nostril singeing sweetness. That comes from the big air freshener at the back. Some of those uppity vintage stores try to mask the smell of their clothes with incense. Value Village prefers to over power it with blast after blast of nauseating lavender. You’ll recognize this smell in every Value Village you visit. I like to think of it as their signature scent.

Now let’s hang a left over to the glassware.

Wow! What a selection. A little overwhelming isn’t it? Let me point out a few of the staples.

Vintage Highball Glasses.

You’ll always find these. Don’t let the picture fool you though. What you see up there is a complete set. At Value Village you’ll never find more then 3 of a kind. Not to worry though. You can make it a foursome with this classic boob mug.

Take a gulp from the top or be a gentleman and sip from the nip. Always a big seller.

Ceramics made by kids in grade 10 sculpting are popular too.

There's hundreds of candy dishes.

These remind us of a time when candy was rare and needed to be showcased. Now only old people have them. When the old people die, they end up here.

I’d also like to point out the large selection of discarded corporate award plaques, Valentine’s mugs that once contained flowers and fast food no-spill drink holders from the 90s that have that straw that makes that crinkly noise… but I see I’ve already lost you. You’re drawn to the art section on the far wall. Yes the classic thrift store masterpieces are all there.

The framed Lamborghini poster.

The self- portrait of the (yet to be caught) serial killer.

Plus cross stitching for everyone’s tastes.

Let’s move into the real meat course of your Value Village meal. The real reason you’re here is the clothing!

Sadly the consistent decline in western civilization’s fashion tastes coupled with the rise of Ebay has seen good vintage clothes all but disappear. Still, lets take a peek.

Coats, coats, coats!!!

There’s the really stiff black jean jacket that’s too big for any one and the numerous beige trench coats with too short arms. (No black ones though thanks to guys this.)



Oh and there’s the ratty fur coat for the ladies (or for Jocks to wear to their annual dress up like a pimp for Halloween party).

For some reason they also like to put coveralls with the coats.

I believe it stems from a cover all overabundance do to the drop in popularity of Slipknot with today’s youth.

I can’t for the life of me figure out why they’re no longer popular. Moving on to jeans and slacks.

Emphasis on the word Slack.

There's your Shady Ltd.

There's your Sean John

In fact if a rapper had a top 10 hit the turn of the millennium, then his jeans are on the racks of Value Village. Why pay half price for them at Winners when you can get them slightly leaned back in for only $5.00?

Let's look up above the pants racks and check out the shoes. Yep, nothing but old Goth boots.

Look for the greese in the buckles. That tells you the previous owner worked at McDonalds.

Heading over to to the shirts now... Woah, watch out for the lady with two shopping carts full of half the store (Does she only come here once a year or something?). She's buisy looking for her kids who are smashing toys against the floor in the back left corner. Anyway shirts...

Check it out, dragon shirts! All the colours of the rainbow.

White-trash love these shirts. It’s like, I got this party animal Hawaiian shirt thing going but the dragons also suggest I might know Kung-fu. Get your dragon shirt while you can as soon they will be replaced entirely with TapOut fight wear .

What else have we got? Hmmm, lots of shirts by bands no one wants to see.

(Hey, is that Vick Mackey on the left?)

And you just can’t leave Value Village without one of these.

They’ve got thousands of them. What better souvenir of your thrift store visit then a t-shirt from a movie with a scene in a thrift store!

If that scene wasn’t shot in a real thrift store then that is one of the most authentic recreations of a thrift store electronics section I have ever seen.

We will not be visiting the electronic section today. It is a sad and lonely place. The only reason to go there is if you’re looking to steal 45 centre pieces for your record player.

That reminds me: better check out the records before we go. At every Value Village you will find the following two records.

Glass Houses by Billy Joel

And Can’t Slow Down by Lionel Richie.

Track 8 is Hello. Remember the video for this when that blind girl makes that horrible bust of Lionel?





Apparently Lionel hated that head so much that he smashed it after the video was complete.

Special mention for repeat performances in the Value Village record section go to:

Whip Cream And Other Delights by Herb Alpert’s Tijuana Brass

And The Very Best of Mrs. Mills

Thus concludes your shopping tour of Value Village. Bring your purchases to the front and don’t forget to check out the glass display case at the counter for a look at some of their more high end items such as the non-working Goofy phone,

the Adventures of Bayou Billy Nintendo game system cartridge,

and the Jesus Is My Coach ornament

Thank you and come again.

P.S. I know the tour did not delve into the womens attire. I regret that that area remains a mystery to me. Although I have noticed that there is a lingerie section. The reason why is probably best not known.