Feels like an Arbys night.

Last year a place called O.Noir  opened in Toronto. It’s a restaurant where you choose your meal before hand and then eat in complete darkness and all the wait staff that serve you are blind. It’s supposed to heighten your other senses so you enjoy the food more and let you experience what it’s like to be blind. Kind of like the opposite of Hooters (unenjoyable food + ogling = Hooters).

(She could be serving you and you’d never know)

I haven’t been to O.Noir yet but I kind of want to go. I like the idea of themed restaurants. They’re dinner and a show. They’re like Chuck E. Cheese for grown ups.



In Japan there’s a restaurant called Nyotaimori (which means female body presentation). Usually this refers to that thing where you eat sushi of a naked lady.

(I wonder if you can get a cheaper one where you eat shrimps off a midget?)

This is the Japanease equivalent of Filmore’s 10 ounce steak and a face dance special.

But at Nyotaimori they actually make you a fake dead body to eat.

Apparently the skin is dough and inside is edible organs and red stuff. I bet there’s chocolate mousse in the butt.

Speaking of butt mousse, you can actually get it at the Taiwanese restaurant Modern Toilet.

It’s a toilet themed restaurant where you sit on toilets.

You also eat out of toilets and drink out of urinals.

It’s disgusting.

I’ve eaten at a toilet themed restaurant right here in Toronto. The Popeyes Chicken on Yonge St.

In New York they have a restaurant called Ninja. It’s decorated like 15th century Japan and your food is made and served to you by Ninjas.



How much do you tip a Ninja? If it’s too little he may feel dishonored and kill himself. I’d go with 20%.

(This guy works the fryer)

Maybe I should open up a themed restaurant. I’ve got some good ideas.

Sheepypalooza’s

This would be a restaurant where you dine with sheep dogs. Lots of sheep dogs. Like 50 or so. I get to eat with my sheep dog Mutton everyday and it’s lots of fun. Imagine sitting down to a fine meal while being surrounded by sheep dogs. It would be like eating in a Dulux commercial.



Maybe I could train them to bring you your food or your check or something. But probably not.

White Trashiteria

This would be my white trash themed restaurant. All the waiters would be in wife beaters or shirtless and they’d sit in chairs drinking, smoking and watching TV. As the customer you’d have to scream and yell at them to come take your order. (My take on the rude French waiter.)

(the Matradee)

Here’s an example of a Prixe Fixie meal at the White Trashiteria

Starter
(Tuh shut you up till mom gets home from her job goin door to door sellin Bump-Its.)

Your choice of:

Triscuits with mustard on them

or

1 uncooked hot dog, cut up with ketchup.

Main Course

Your choice of:

Kraft dinner served in the pot it was cooked in. (Please respect our menu and do not ask for ketchup.)

or

The Bacon Bit Buddy. (Imitation bacon bits, ketchup and butter between 2 Wonder bread slices. Microwaved until hot.)

Dessert

Your choice of

1 single serving rice pudding can. (Our waiters remove the pudding can lid at your table to insure freshness.)

or

The invisible McDonald’s Sundae (After much begging from you one of our waiters will agree to go out and get you a McDonald’s Sundae only to return hours or days later looking disheveled and without the Sundae ).

The interior decor would be akin to several trailers pushed together. Once a night the toilets overflow and the trailers are jacked up to keep the erupting toilet water from ruinin the shag allowing diners the entertaining sensation of eating on a slant.



Hoarders

This would be a chain of family fun themed restaurants based on the hit show Hoarders.



Each restaurant would be located in the house of an actual hoarder.

Mom and dad can relax in the dinning room.

While the kids explore and find treasures like:

Misplaced loaded firearms.

Desiccated deceased pets.

Jars of your hoarder hosts own body fluids.

Hoarders has a fully stalked kitchen.

Just be sure to eat up quick as the resident hoarder will be screaming and crying and trying to stop you as they have an emotional attachment to the food your eating do to some tragic past event in their life.

(Check please!)

Oh and don’t forget to pick up something from the gift shop.

So what do you think? Am I the next big restaurant mogul or what?



P.S. This is post number 69... lunch time!

I Hate the Olympics.

The Winter Olympics start today. Whoopty –Doo! You know what I think about that?

That about sums it up.

I think I started hating the Olympics back in High School. I didn’t see why these athletes got all this money and support from their government and community to realize there dream. What if your dream was to become an actor or a musician or a porn star? Do you think you’d get time off school to train and government funding?

(Who would put this on their baby?)

I don’t really think that way anymore. I don’t care about the athletes or even the Olympics themselves. It’s more the people that get all into them that I can’t stand.

On the news they’re so excited you’d think Jesus was coming back with Elvis under one arm and Marilyn Munroe under the other. They’ve been talking about how many sleeps it is until the Olympics begins, like it’s Christmas and today they want everyone to wear red. (I never thought I’d get another chance to wear this so soon.)

There’s nothing worse then seeing a couple holding hands in matching Olympic wear. I saw one the other day and it made my head hurt just looking at them. Thank God the games are being played on the other side of the country because if I had to see that every day for 2 weeks…



Another thing that bothers me about the Winter Olympics is the events. Does anyone really like these sports? Does anyone regularly follow speed skating or luging or skeletoning . Do these sports even exist in a professional sense beyond Olympic qualification? Does anyone care if they do? Nope. Nobody does. Until the Olympics come around and then it’s I want my country to be the best at that weird sport I don’t know anything about and never watch. Wooo Hooo! Go Canada! Go!

Seriously?

So how could the Olympics become more appealing to me? Let’s think.

1) Three words: all nude Olympics.



Weren’t they all nude in the original Olympics in Rome? Well they should do it again. The uniforms the athletes wear are getting tighter and skimpier with every games. Get rid of them all together. The cold will make the athletes go faster and work harder and it would give new meaning to the term double helicopter in ski jumping.

2) More entries like this.



And this.



3) Let trained animals compete.

Did anyone see that show Man Vs Beast on Fox many years ago? It had like 50 midgets playing tug-o-war with an elephant and it had a hot dog eating completion between Japanese hot dog champ Kobayashi and a bear!

I can’t begin to tell you how much I love this.

4) Include more of those hopeless but amusing loser competitors like Eddie the Eagle and The Jamaican Bob Sled Team. Who doesn’t like Cool Runnings?



5) Go a step further and have an all untrained Olympics.



Look at all the great programming reality television has brought us by allowing regular schlubs to showcase their singing and dancing skills. Just take a bunch of morons off the street and say Ok, you’re going to Speed Skate, you’re going to luge and here’s some skis and a rifle you’re in the biathalon. It would be like a live action version of America’s Funniest Home Videos. Yes!

So there you go Olympic committee or Greek Gods or who ever oversees the Olympics 5 great ways to keep future Olympics from sucking. If you need more I’ll be in the tub.

P.S. Have you seen the medals they’re giving out this year?

Who designed these things, an 8 year old that lives near the train tracks?

P.P.S. On the subway platform today I heard someone say Happy Olympics to her friend as they said good bye. Happy Olympics??!! This is bullshit!