Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0006

It’s that time again kids. Dust of your brains and get ready to learn something useless.

Question No. 6: Is it actually lucky if a bird poops on you?

There’s this set of power lines by Broadview station and there’s always like a hundred birds on it and I’m always afraid they’re going to shit on me.

Insert Bird On a Wire/Goldie Hawn’s acting/Mel’s Gibson’s carrier shit joke here.

Now I’ve heard that it’s lucky if a bird shits on you. I for one don’t believe it. It would be lucky if I walked into Value Village Value Village and found one of these babies.

But having a bird shit on you, how can that be lucky? They’re flying around up there and they let loose and it could land on anything or anyone and it lands on me! If anything that’s the opposite of lucky. Does this guy look lucky to you?



Oh wondrous Internet, my all-knowing cybernetic sage. Expose the luck of bird shit for the festering pack of lies that it is. Or blow my mind with proof of its existence.

Wooop. Wooop. Beeeeep. Zip. Zap. Rap. Wrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Buzzzzzzz. Ding!

Magic Internet Answer: Sigh, another excrement question. Remind me to wipe my brow(ser) when we’re done. It’s starting to stink around here. If the luckiness of bird excretions is a myth then the easiest way to prove it would be through the study of statistical data. Unfortunately there are no know statistics covering people that have been shit on by birds and wither or not good fortune closely followed said shitting. Yes, I’m surprised too. That being said there is a substantial number of claims by people visiting casinos that a large win fall closely followed incidents of birds shitting on their cars in the casino parking lot.

File photo: High Roller.

However it is more than likely that just as many, if not more gamblers won money at casinos with no such incidents of shitting. Also casino patrons are known to wear adult diapers in lieu of going to the bathroom so I am going to rule them out of any statistical equation due to their mental dysfunction.

So without tangible statistics to help me with the answer I will have to move on and see what I do have that is tangible. First there is luck. We know luck exists. Human beings experience luck all the time. Be it at sporting events, in the ability of the moronic to avoid death



or the birth of Paris Hilton. However there is no way to measure luck or foretell its occurrence. In fact the definition of luck is, The chance happening of fortunate or adverse events. So perhaps it is the statistical odds of the bird pooping on you that brings about the luck as it is a rare event. But there are variables in that too. As you mentioned earlier you fear walking under those power lines because of all the birds resting on them. So surely the odds of you getting pooped on there are much higher than elsewhere. Much like if you were walking around here.

This brings us the second tangible item, the actual poop. Could there be fortune in the bird poop? That picture above is from a guano island. Guano islands are deserted islands that are hosts to large seabird populations. The birds defecate on the islands so much that the depth of the bird shit can be several meters and actually change the physical shape and size of the islands.

The guano (bird shit) is often harvested from these islands and used as an effective fertilizer or even in the production of gunpowder. But you couldn’t make enough gunpowder from one bird’s droppings to fire a gun made by David Kucer David Kucer so it’s not worth much to you in that aspect.

The Japanese are known to use bird shit as a facial treatment (of course they do). Uguisu no fun (literally bird excrement) is a popular skin softener made from the guanine of nightingales. Although disgusting some high end salons in major American cities offer the treatment under the title of a geisha facial.

Light me up and give me another Saki shit face!

So you could try rubbing it into your skin. Other than that there is no known tangible luck behind a bird pooping on you. I believe it is merely something that people say to feel better about what is really an unfortunate and rather disgusting event.

I knew it! Thanks Magic Internet. And I don’t need the myth of luck to feel better. Next time a bird poops on me I’ll just go home and watch that episode of the Flintstones where Barney takes a shit in that Pelican’s mouth.

Garage Sale! 69 Creepshow Ave. Cordless Drill, Weights, Samantha Fox Poster, Scud Mags, Used Coffin and much, much more!

Hot enough for ya?

It’s like 30 degrees Celsius outside! And you know what all this hot weather means? Summer time and garage sale season kicking into gear!

Now I don’t hit the garage sales the way I used to. That’s because for one, I live in the city. Most of the garage sales here are less garage sale and more sweaty crackhead shaking beside a blanket containing a selection of unpawnable/ broken items and DVDs that used to belong to my neighbors.

The cordless drill? Oh yea it works just fine. But you see it can’t be crushed up and injected or smoked so I really have no use for it. Five dollars!!

And secondly, thanks to E-bay and Craigslist garage sales are going the way of  Vallue Village. You just can’t find all the great things you used to.

Things like:

Those gold plastic weights.

The only thing these weights are good for now is weighing down the body of someone you killed or killing your lawn a month after you put them on your curb with a sign saying free. But there was a time when the suburban failed Adonis thought he could actually get money for them. They were often coupled with the chest expander.

Bonus if it was a really hairy guy selling it and there were hairs in the springs

And grip strengtheners.

Bonus if they were the gold executive model that wannabe 80s power suits kept on their desk for intimidation.

Archery sets.

When I was a kid every other garage sale had one of these up for grabs. I got a great one with a huge hunting bow, a quiver full of arrows and a homemade target on wheels for something like $15. I drew pictures of people I didn’t like and taped them to the front of the target. This was a big step up from throwing darts at the nipples of the topless Samantha Fox poster I won at the Appleby Mall fair.

f Samantha Fox could sing half as good as she could grow tits, she’d be top of the charts. – Some old copy of Viz Magazine.

Old Playboy & Penthouse magazines

Look at the article topics. Was anyone really that dedicated to being a scum bag?

It always amazed me how many of these fat truck drivers and bearded bikers were selling their old scud magazines at their garage sales. These men had no shame.

Ohhh, yep. Had a lot of good times masturbating to those… a LOT of gooood times. Hate to see ‘em go. 75 cents each or 3 for $2. 50 cents for the ones missing centerfolds.

Power Wheels

Look at the little girl acting just like her dumb bitch trophy wife mom. Kids, they’re like little people.

I used to see these at garage sales all the time. Rich parents would buy them for their kids not realizing that the rechargeable battery only had like 20 minutes of juice. I don’t know how many times I saw some frazzled dad dragging a Power Wheels back from the park with his shrieking kid under one arm. I was never allowed to get one at the garage sales because my dad had also seen those dads and because the dumb rich parents always wanted too much for it.

10 Cents?! I paid over $800 for that piece of shit!!!

Partially painted D&D miniatures.

Usually being sold by a guy like this.

Who had maybe grown up and found better things to do wit his weekend.

I remember purchasing a few to accentuate my growing army man collection. If the 101st thought the battle of the bulge was tough, wait till they find out Hitler has acquired two Orcs and a giant spider!

Pantyhose dolls.

I’m not really sure what the deal was with these things but there were lots of them at garage sales. Maybe the old women in my neighborhood couldn’t bear to part with their used pantyhose after having to ration them so much during World War II. (Did you know that women used to rub gravy on their legs to make it look like they were wearing nylons back then?) Who knows for sure? I bought a pantyhose doll at a garage sale and it was a little old man with a long grey beard and when you lifted the beard it had a dick and balls under it! I can’t believe those never caught on. Another pantyhose based item you got a lot of was jars full of little asses called Pickled Bums.

Something that I’m sure exists for real at the  Chinese Wal-Mart.

Toys that would be worth a lot now if someone didn’t fuck them all up.

You know what I’m talking about. You pull up to the garage sale in the back of your parents car and you see that AT- AT Walker on the table but when you run out of the car to buy it, it’s all messed up, missing all the parts and full of dirt.

Or the Smash-Up Derby cars that some kid’s anal-retentive mom pain stakingly glued all the pieces together so they don’t smash up any more.

The kid across the street from me’s mom actually did this

Don't forget the Cabbage Patch Doll Naked and covered in pen.

My Cabbage Patch doll was called Ralph Damien until I sent in the name change papers and had it legally changed to Thrash Damien. I always thought that Xavier Roberts signature on the doll’s ass would make a good tattoo for some 80s obsessed girl to get (or a girl that looked like a Cabbage Patch Kid).

And low and behold someone has gone and done it.

Good for you. Good luck explaining that to your grandchildren.

Good for you. Good luck explaining that to your grandchildren.


Well you see kids… there were these dolls… and 15 years later Granny got really drunk and…

you know what, never mind. Why would Granny be showing the kids her ass in the first place?

And finally the box of miscellaneous G.I. Joe parts (For those faint of heart avert your eyes).

Yes those flimsy cardboard mass graves that contained the corpses of so many fallen Joes. Twisted and tortured by some sadistic child until their legs wobbled and their rubber torso bands snapped. The final eulogy engraved in magic marker on their tombstone:

Whole Box $1.

I morn them and curse their tormentors but not without my own feelings of guilt. For the last time I saw my Duke Howzer figure he was sailing over Appleby creek attached to 4 bottle rockets. His body will never be found.

Yo…..

Joe.

Yeah garage sales may not be what they used to be but what is these days? I still get excited on a Saturday morning when I see that sign.

And you can still manage to find something good from time to time.

So come on all you human vultures. Strap your fanny packs on and get hunting.

P.S. A special mention has to go to some of the people that make garage sales great. They are as follows.

The woman who says, Oh you just take it for free, it’s yours. when she sees a kid’s meager handful of change.

The man who says, If you want him, make me an offer. when his dog greets people at his garage sale. He will say this 76 times in one morning.

The kid who snatches toys out of peoples’ hands and screams That's not for sale! then runs into his room with it. He will do this 26 times in one morning.

The crazy couple that show up to an 8am garage sale at 6 am.

The even crazier couple that rope off their garage sale so that no one can visit it until their start time of 9am

Welcome To Value Village!

I’m Johnny CreepShow and I will be your guide on this whirlwind tour showcasing to you everything Value Village has to offer.

As you step through the (barely functioning) automatic doors, breath in deep.

Snnniiifff. Ahhhhh. Smell that? That’s more than just the smell of questionably washed second hand clothing. You’ll also detect a nostril singeing sweetness. That comes from the big air freshener at the back. Some of those uppity vintage stores try to mask the smell of their clothes with incense. Value Village prefers to over power it with blast after blast of nauseating lavender. You’ll recognize this smell in every Value Village you visit. I like to think of it as their signature scent.

Now let’s hang a left over to the glassware.

Wow! What a selection. A little overwhelming isn’t it? Let me point out a few of the staples.

Vintage Highball Glasses.

You’ll always find these. Don’t let the picture fool you though. What you see up there is a complete set. At Value Village you’ll never find more then 3 of a kind. Not to worry though. You can make it a foursome with this classic boob mug.

Take a gulp from the top or be a gentleman and sip from the nip. Always a big seller.

Ceramics made by kids in grade 10 sculpting are popular too.

There's hundreds of candy dishes.

These remind us of a time when candy was rare and needed to be showcased. Now only old people have them. When the old people die, they end up here.

I’d also like to point out the large selection of discarded corporate award plaques, Valentine’s mugs that once contained flowers and fast food no-spill drink holders from the 90s that have that straw that makes that crinkly noise… but I see I’ve already lost you. You’re drawn to the art section on the far wall. Yes the classic thrift store masterpieces are all there.

The framed Lamborghini poster.

The self- portrait of the (yet to be caught) serial killer.

Plus cross stitching for everyone’s tastes.

Let’s move into the real meat course of your Value Village meal. The real reason you’re here is the clothing!

Sadly the consistent decline in western civilization’s fashion tastes coupled with the rise of Ebay has seen good vintage clothes all but disappear. Still, lets take a peek.

Coats, coats, coats!!!

There’s the really stiff black jean jacket that’s too big for any one and the numerous beige trench coats with too short arms. (No black ones though thanks to guys this.)



Oh and there’s the ratty fur coat for the ladies (or for Jocks to wear to their annual dress up like a pimp for Halloween party).

For some reason they also like to put coveralls with the coats.

I believe it stems from a cover all overabundance do to the drop in popularity of Slipknot with today’s youth.

I can’t for the life of me figure out why they’re no longer popular. Moving on to jeans and slacks.

Emphasis on the word Slack.

There's your Shady Ltd.

There's your Sean John

In fact if a rapper had a top 10 hit the turn of the millennium, then his jeans are on the racks of Value Village. Why pay half price for them at Winners when you can get them slightly leaned back in for only $5.00?

Let's look up above the pants racks and check out the shoes. Yep, nothing but old Goth boots.

Look for the greese in the buckles. That tells you the previous owner worked at McDonalds.

Heading over to to the shirts now... Woah, watch out for the lady with two shopping carts full of half the store (Does she only come here once a year or something?). She's buisy looking for her kids who are smashing toys against the floor in the back left corner. Anyway shirts...

Check it out, dragon shirts! All the colours of the rainbow.

White-trash love these shirts. It’s like, I got this party animal Hawaiian shirt thing going but the dragons also suggest I might know Kung-fu. Get your dragon shirt while you can as soon they will be replaced entirely with TapOut fight wear .

What else have we got? Hmmm, lots of shirts by bands no one wants to see.

(Hey, is that Vick Mackey on the left?)

And you just can’t leave Value Village without one of these.

They’ve got thousands of them. What better souvenir of your thrift store visit then a t-shirt from a movie with a scene in a thrift store!

If that scene wasn’t shot in a real thrift store then that is one of the most authentic recreations of a thrift store electronics section I have ever seen.

We will not be visiting the electronic section today. It is a sad and lonely place. The only reason to go there is if you’re looking to steal 45 centre pieces for your record player.

That reminds me: better check out the records before we go. At every Value Village you will find the following two records.

Glass Houses by Billy Joel

And Can’t Slow Down by Lionel Richie.

Track 8 is Hello. Remember the video for this when that blind girl makes that horrible bust of Lionel?





Apparently Lionel hated that head so much that he smashed it after the video was complete.

Special mention for repeat performances in the Value Village record section go to:

Whip Cream And Other Delights by Herb Alpert’s Tijuana Brass

And The Very Best of Mrs. Mills

Thus concludes your shopping tour of Value Village. Bring your purchases to the front and don’t forget to check out the glass display case at the counter for a look at some of their more high end items such as the non-working Goofy phone,

the Adventures of Bayou Billy Nintendo game system cartridge,

and the Jesus Is My Coach ornament

Thank you and come again.

P.S. I know the tour did not delve into the womens attire. I regret that that area remains a mystery to me. Although I have noticed that there is a lingerie section. The reason why is probably best not known.