The stars have aligned. The date is 90210.

A day like today comes along only once a century.



And even though I can drink you under the table while kicking your ass and bench pressing your girlfriend as she holds my coat, I do admit I’ve watched my fair share of Beverly Hills 90210 over the years. I wanted to do a little reminiscing about my favorite episodes but as you regular readers might remember I came close to madness trying to find a clip of the episode where Steve Sanders gets addicted to weed in college and cries at the foot of his bed. So instead I’d like to celebrate this special day by taking a look back at some of the main characters. Happy 90210 day!

Brandon Walsh

Brandon was such a goody two shoes dipshit. I mean what kind of high school kid has a car named after Walter Mondale? Playing that character is probably what drove Jason Priestly to drink. And look at him now, he looks like a crazy hobo!

Favorite Brandon Episodes: Well that’s hard to say because he was in practically every episode. I guess the one where he gets wasted and crashes his car. Or the one where he finishes school and him and Steve decide to start their own newspaper. It’s just the two of them sitting in a big empty office space with Brandon going, I’ll be in charge of news and Steve going, I’ll be in charge of sports. It was like watching a couple of 5 year olds play newspaper. And as usual I can find no trace of it online so heres a montage of Brandon trying to look sexy with all the girls he humped.



Brenda Walsh

Brenda was one big walking talking Jheeps factory. She was always doing something stupid and just generally being uncomfortably lame. The best thing about her was all the stories about Shannen Doherty being a colossal bitch on the set and her infamous wonky eye.

I don’t care enough to look up what she’s doing now but if they decide to remake Goonies she could play Sloth.

And here’s an added little fact. Brandon Walsh was the name of the older brother in Goonies, Tada!

Favorite Episodes: Like I said, I couldn’t stand Brenda, so none. Maybe the ones where Dylan was really mean to her. If you want to talk about her Jheepyist episodes, that’s easy. All the ones where she was in France and pretended to be a French girl while smoking and wearing a beret. Or this:



Dylan McKay

Dylan was awesome. He lived on his own, he surfed he brooded, he drank and took drugs, he called Brandon Minnesota and when they show him in the intro the electric guitar kicks in so you know he’s a bad ass. Hey remember when Luke Perry quit 90210 to pursue a film a carrier and all he got was that bit part in Buffy the Vampire Slayer where he hung a hot dog out of his pants? That was also Paul Rubens first movie after he got caught hanging his hot dog out of his pants in a porno theatre.

Good times.

Favorite Episodes: Any of the ones where Dylan waves his gun around.



Kelly Taylor

Kelly started off as a bitch and a slut and then it turned out she wasn’t really a slut and not as bitchy but she was still a bitch sometimes. And she looked like a beaver. That’s about all I have to say about her.

Favorite Episodes: I liked the ones where she used to fight with Valerie Malone.



Oh and Kelly actually was a huge slut.



Donna Martin

Donna was weird looking and dumb. I think the show wrote her character that way because Tori Spelling was weird looking and dumb but daddy said she had to be on the show. I guess she did have that sweet best friend quality in her character. She was basically a younger version of Rose from The Golden Girls.



Favorite Episodes: Any of the ones where a horned up David Silver tries to get Donna to have sex with him but she keeps saying no because she wants to stay a virgin until she’s married. Oh and all the one’s where Ray Pruit beat her up.



Steve Sanders

Yes! Now we’re talking. This albino mulleted cretin was by far my favorite character on the show. He was always saying or doing something stupid. And it was even funnier when he was serious and cried. Steve Sanders rocked. And if you don’t believe me check out his locker sticker for proof.

Favorite Episodes: Well of course there’s the addicted to weed episode. Also any episode where he reminds Kelly that they had sex and she gets that disgusted look on her face. Any episode where he gets drunk and or cries and of course the episode where he has to wear a dress.



David Silver.

Fuck he was so lame. With that slicked-back mushroom cut and those giant multi-coloured R&B suits he used to wear. David Silver could give you the Jheeps just by walking into a room.

Favorite Episodes: Those ones where he got addicted to drugs and started getting all moody and wearing a beret and any episode where he rapped and danced.



Andrea Zuckerman

I used to call her Andrea Yuckerman.

Favorite Episodes: Any ones she wasn’t in.



Nat

Nat was a nice enough guy but he had no personality. He was on the show forever but you never really got to see him do anything other than work at the Peach Pit. Why couldn’t Nat have gotten drunk or taken drugs or something? All he ever did was have a heart attack. And what the fuck was with the Peach Pit After Dark? Nat suddenly realized he had a big empty warehouse going spare behind his dinner in Beverly Hills? What a bunch of Bullshit!

Favorite Episodes: I don’t know. The one where he flips a burger? Or how about the one where he gives one of the kids a free slice of pie? Who cares?! And the worst thing is he’s even on the new 90210 doing the exact same thing.



Well I hope you’ve enjoyed reminiscing about that bunch of losers with me.

Nice bomb Faisal. I’ve seen more dangerous shit confiscated by a grade school principal. Now do the Truffle Shuffle!

So I see they caught that guy that tried to blow up Time Square.

I use the word tried in the loosest sense. He didn’t even have the kind of fertilizer that blows up. It seems to me that any idiot could figure out what kind of fertilizer blows up in about 10 seconds worth of Google clicks. I’m not going to try it though because I don’t want Canada’s version of the FBI knocking down my door tonight.

(File photo: CSIS)

Maybe that’s why he didn’t Google it. He thought if he did someone would be monitoring his Google from the FBI’s Google monitoring station and then they’d use their top secrete live version of Google Earth to find him.

(Hey chief, we’ve got someone else picking up fertilizer here!)

You would think they could have told him what kind of fertilizer to use at one of those terrorist training camps he went to. What the hell are they teaching over there anyway?



You know what? They probably don’t have fertilizer over there. That’s why there’s so much desert. Even if he did have the right kind I still don’t think his crummy bomb would have worked. One of the other key components he used was firecrackers! Maybe I’m wrong but a bomb that contains fire crackers doesn’t sound like much of a bomb. I like fireworks though. My favorite firework was always the Burning School House.

I used to make my teacher with a firecracker body and matches for hair. Then I’d make her hanging out the window. Once I even made her out of a bottle rocket and she shot off into the creek. Take that Mrs. Bernell you bitch! I wonder what kind of firecrackers the terrorist guy used?



The news is saying that his car bomb was like a Rube Goldberg device. Named after Reuben Lucius Goldberg, a cartoonist and inventor that came up with wacky complex machines that performed simple tasks.

Not to be confused with Dr. Goldfoot the creator of the Bikini Machine.

I’m not sure what my favorite Rube Goldberg device from movies is. I want to say the breakfast maker from Pee Wee’s big adventure.



But Goonies gate opening machine forces Chunk to do the Truffle Shuffle.

I've changed this to a link because it keeps starting up on its own. Click below to watch... balls.

The Truffle Shuffle Gate.

Maybe they should force Faisal Shahzad to do the Truffle Shuffle for everyone in Time Square as part of his punishment. Except I don’t think he has much of a gut. Instead I say he should be suplexed to death in time square by Hulk Hogan as part of NYC’s Rockin’ New Year Show.

Hulk Hogan: Should I suplex him again broootherssss?!

Crowd: USA! USA! USA!

Hulk Hogan: I’ll take that as a yes Hulkamaniacs! *SUPLEX *SUPLEX *SUPLEX*

Oh well, thanks for not blowing up New York. I had a pretty good time hanging out with you last year and I’d like to see you again sometime. Wink.

And as for you Faisal, in honor of your lame bomb that failed to do anything more then stink up your cheap Craigslist SUV, here’s video after video of fat kids doing the Truffle Shuffle. USA! USA! USA!

Captain Lou Albano RIP 1933 – 2009

Captain Lou, Captain Lou Albannnnooooo!
Louis Vincent Albano will be remembered as a great wrestler, a great manager, friend of Cyndi Lauper, catalyst of the Rockin Wrestlin era and as one of the less sought after WWF Wrestling figures of the 80’s. I’m sure right now he’s up in heaven showing Jesus how to put elastics in his beard and managing a tag team of Ravaging Rick Rude (RIP 1958-1999) and The Junkyard Dog (RIP 1952-1998).

Captian Lou in the Goonies R Good Enough video:

Captian Lou with Cyndi Lauper on Piper's Pit:

P.S. A kid I went to school with went to one of the WWF Super Slams back in the 80's and he said there was an older lady there that was in love with all the wrestlers. As they came out this kid said that the lady had them all spit in an empty Coke bottle and when it was about half full she drank it! I'm not sure if I believe him but it's a pretty weird story for a kid to make up.