On the third day of Jheepsmas some loser gave to me…

Some of you dudes might be thinking of getting a little something special to wear under the mistletoe this year. Two words… Please don’t.

No woman wants to have her Christmas ruined by having to watch you smuggle your budgie in Santa’s beard. Not to mention the absolute horror show you’ll put on should you actually get aroused in a pair of those. Don’t forget the lessons learned from the infamous BallBra.

Besides, I’ve got something much better to cover yourself with in the bedroom: the Better Marriage Blanket.

better marriage blanket @ Yahoo! Video

That’s right it’s a blanket that neutralizes fart stink!

Much like lingerie, it’s a gift for her as much as a gift for you. Couple it with a pair of good quality ear protectors.

Those who bought the Better Marriage Blanket also bought ...

And she will no longer be awakened and sickened by your noxious, McRib fueled, trumpeting farts. This one’s a no brainer guys. Just look at what you’re getting according to the  Official Better Marriage Blanket Website:

- A real solution to a real problem. (Another solution to this problem might be to not order the Beer and Cheddar soup at Jack Astor’s).

- Odor absorption will last for the life of the blanket. (Think of it as a biological scrapbook of your marital bliss.)

- It doesn’t need frequent washing. Simply refresh the blanket from time to time out in the sun. (Forget Facebook and the Twitter. Think about how much more fulfilling life will be for your special lady friend when she’s meeting up with her friends face to face in a sunny park as they all air out their fart blankets together.)

- A stylish choice of white beige or blue. (Be warned though. No matter what colour you choose they will all end up somewhat beige.)

- A blanket made from the same type of fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons. (This might be a bit of an overkill but it’s better to be safe than sorry. With the way fast food is going these days we may very likely see Gulf War Syndrome like illnesses befalling those that are forced to cohabitate with enthusiasts of the KFC Double Down.)

Face it guys. Despite what your mom or strippers say about you

Sometimes both.

You’re gross and you stink. And unless your wife is a REALLY big James Joyce fan or asked for this last Christmas.



She thinks you stink too. If you want a better marriage for Christmas, this blanket has got you covered. Zing!

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0017

I don’t like this whole thing where you have to say something after someone sneezes. I don’t like saying, bless you because I’m not religious and even if I was religious I don’t think I’d feel the need to bless someone just because they sneezed. I don’t think a regular person can even bless someone. Don’t you need to be a priest or at least have one of those ashtrays on a chain?

The priest tells you that the incense symbolizes your prayers going to heaven but in truth… you all stink.

My point is that now days if you sneeze, it doesn’t mean you’re going to die. This is not the dark ages and we are not all living in fear of the plague.

If this guy sneezes, bless him. Oh and that long nose thing, it’s full of incense… because you all stink.

Then there’s the other word. The word you’re supposed to use if you don’t like saying, bless you. Gazuntite. What does Gazuntite even mean? What if it’s Ojibwe for boner breath and that’s the Indians way of getting back at us for giving them small pox infected blankets? We better get to the bottom of this right away.

Question: 17: What does gazuntite mean?

This is where you would normally read the sound effects of the Magic Internet preparing to answer my question. I have grown tired of typing these dumb sound effects so I am herby discontinuing them. My apologies to anyone who is upset over this decision but if reading those dumb sound effects every week was the only thing that enriched your life then you’re better off dead. Now please enjoy this video of Morgan Freeman sneezing in a 1970s episode of the Electric Company.



Magic Internet Answer: My, my Johnny. You are so dumb that sometimes I wonder how you manage to remember to breathe let alone sneeze. Gazuntite is not an Ojibwe word. (Although boozhoo is, it means greetings.) Gazuntite is actually spelled Gesundheit and it is a German word that means health. When you say gesundheit to a person after they sneeze you are wishing them good health. This phrase was introduced to North America by early German settlers such as the Pennsylvania Dutch. It was widely attested to the English language by 1910 about the same time that large numbers of Yiddish-speaking Ashkenazi Jews immigrated to the United States. Gesundheit is not exactly a blessing but it is used much in the same way. Also, blessing people after they sneeze is not always about superstitiously warding off sickness. Some people believe that the soul can escape through a sneeze and a blessing keeps it inside. Others believe that sneezing is a way of purging the body of evil spirits and a blessing will help to keep them away. During the renaissance period many believed that your heart stopped briefly when you sneezed and a blessing would insure that it restarted.

German, huh? Who’da thunk it? That’s good to know but I still won’t be saying gesundheit or bless you after someone sneezes but I will pray that this never happens to me.



Check Ya later.

Ayatollah no fish bowla!

I read an article today that said Iran is trying to ban pets.

Apparently Iran is banning all ads for pets, pet stores, pet products and anything else to do with pets. I’m assuming that includes things like the opening and closing treasure chest for fish tanks.

And Ferret denim.

And it’s all because of this guy.

Grand Ayatollah Nasser Makarem Shirazi. Kind of makes you think it’s time to resurrect an old favourite from the t-shirt drawer.

First of all, the guy is 86 years old! He’s just jealous of pet owners because he can’t even buy a hamster for fear that it will outlive him.

Yes, Funeral Home? I’d like to order one Ayatollah sized shoe box. Yes, Reebok will be fine.

The Ayatollah also thinks that dogs in particular should be banned because they’re unclean. Well if you’re going to ban dogs for being unclean then you better ban this guy too.

He practically lives in that suit and from what I hear he has B.O. so bad that it offends China. China! Now I’ve never been to China but as many of you will know I’ve been to China Town and let me tell you, if that’s a sample of what it smells like in China then Ahmadinejad must have to trick his shirts into the hamper with a trident and a net. In fact he probably needs that nuclear reactor just to wash his y-fronts.

Iranian File Photo: Spin Cycle.

Oh and Ayatollah. That thing Ahmadinejad said about Iran having no gay people. Yeah you might want to check up on that too.

Look, I’m with you on the banning haircuts thing.

I think we're all getting a little tired of seeing things like this:

And douche bags like this:

And the only time I’ll tolerate a mullet is when it’s atop Van Damme in Hard Target.


van damme owned snake
Uploaded by aucun-honneur. - Watch feature films and entire TV shows.

I’m also happy to see that the approved Iranian haircut catalogue includes quaffs. That means that the Iranian people won’t be deprived of soul-strutting glory that is Wayne Cochran.



But no pets? Commmmeon Iran. Be cool.

A house full of pets is a house full of love.



And sure sometimes living with my dog Mutton is kind of like living with a homeless person.

Yo buddy, I lost my wallet and I'm trying to get enough money for a bus ticket back to Barrie...

But hey, at least I didn’t make her President.

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0004

It’s Wednesday folks and you know what that means?

Happy HumpDay??!!

No you twisted freak. It’s time for another installment of Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question. Let’s dive in head first like a small town teenager up at the quarry after five beers.

Question 4: What’s the worst smell in the world?

I grew up in Burlington downwind from Mary Miles meat processing plant. They slaughtered pigs there and turned them into delicious bacon and sausage. Mmm.

Getting turned on ladies?

If you drove past the place on the days they brought the pigs in the whole area smelled like pig shit. Not a pleasant smell I can tell you.

Like yours doesn’t stink! Oooweeeeeeee!

Then when they turned them into bacon there was this sweet smoky maple smell that was actually pretty good. But then they would burn up or render all the parts they didn’t use and the smell was just god awful. It wasn’t just confined to around Mary Miles either. It would permeate the air and settle on my neighborhood like an invisible hell fog of stink. That’s when, between choking and re-swallowing my own barf I came up with the incredible jingle, Mary Miles smells for miles. (Like how I rhymed miles with miles? Blowhizzle it out your nizzle Snoop Dogg!)

Damn fine meat maker disin’ rhyme Johnny. Chuuch.

Thank you D. O. Double G but let me tell you, if you thought that stink was bad, right across the street from Mary Miles is the Voortman Cookie Factory.

Usually Voortman smelled great and was a welcome scent to catch on a breeze but every once in a while it would combine with that Mary Miles rendering smell to create what I consider to be the worst thing I’ve ever smelt. Like a deadburningpigshitstrawberryvanillawaffer.

It was worse than the indoor dump.

It was worse than summer time dead raccoon.

It was worse than Brut cologne.

It was even worse than subway hobo balls.

In fact I can think of only two smells that even come close. The first is the combined smell of Mr. Sub and Cinnabon in Union Station.

Imagine one of these.

After it’s been wedged under Frank Stallone’s armpit for about a month.

Getting turned on ladies?

The second is Chinatown.

But I don’t think Chinatown really counts. Chinatown is more of a mobile experience. Let me explain. As you walk through Chinatown you pass the fruit and vegetable stands with all the squished/going bad fruit and vegetables lying on the ground below them and you think, ugh that kind of smells.

Just when you’re getting used to that you pass the weird medicinal herb bins and you’re thinking oh my god that smells worse.

By this time you’re breathing through your mouth but somehow you can almost taste the so called fresh fish.

Now you’re running and doing a crazy legs dance around live crabs that are escaping from baskets and scuttling into the gutter.

Then you’re hurdling dead pigs that a man is tossing from the back of an unmarked cube truck onto the sidewalk.

And you’re final leap is a swan dive into a wall of garbage because the Toronto garbage men are on strike again.

So you see Chinatown is less of a singular bad smell and more of terrifying haunted barrel ride for your olfactory. But is there something worse. Tell me oh wise and magic internet is there one stench to rule them all? What IS the worst smell in the world?

Beeeep Burrrrp Zerbert (that sound that R2 D2 makes when he calls C3PO an asshole). Click. Click. Ding!

Magic Internet Answer: A fine question Johnny and I enjoyed your list of the various odors that you abhor. I find it interesting that you mentioned Brut Cologne and Frank Stallone in the same question. I will have you know that not only do they rhyme but Frank’s brother Sylvester Stallone pulled a Brut Cologne trailer at the beginning of Over the Top. Here it is.

And here is another Over the Top Trailer.



But let’s get down to answering your question. What is the worst smell in the world? is a very subjective question. To begin with it is highly implausible that every odor existing on this planet has been recorded. But let us begin by looking at some of the chemical odors that have been documented. Sulpher compounds are widely regarded to omit a very unpleasant odor akin to rotting eggs. This smell is even added to certain gases in order to warn people of leaks. Sulpher compounds are also behind a stench that is considered to be in the top running for worst in the world. The smell of the blossoming Putrescine Amorphophallus Titanium plant.

Also known as the Corpse Flower, this plant blossoms once every several years and the odor it gives off (used to attract bees for pollination) has been described as smelling like a combination of rotting fish and garbage or a rotting elephant carcass. That being said there is a group of chemicals that is said to be worse. Isonitriles are described as giving off the Godzilla of smells.

Those that have smelt them are at a loss to say what they smell like beyond that it is awful and that it lingers in your brain like a trauma. This is a good segue to what I believe to be truly the worst and most traumatizing odor for human being; The smell of a dead and rotting human being.

You see the human sense of smell goes beyond the mere analysis of chemical compounds breathed in. The human perception of smell consists not only of the perception of the odors themselves but of the experiences and emotions associated with these sensations. Some people may perceive a so called nice smell to be terrible because they associate it with a traumatic event and others may perceive a terrible smell with less abhorrence because they experience it on a regular basis. That being said we know that a rotting human corpse gives off a foul odor on a chemical level due to the release of chemicals such as putrescine but it’s the effect that the odor has on the average human that truly makes it the worst smell in the world. There is the trauma of being in close vicinity to a human body, there is the natural instinct to stay away from dead bodies in order not to contract diseases and there is the emotional turmoil of confronting one’s own mortality. When one factors in all of these variables one can only come to one conclusion. To the average human being the worst smell in the world is the smell of another dead or dying human being.

Hmmm, Gross. Thanks Magic internet. You’re probably right. It probably is a dead guy. Either that or Frank Stallone.