So I heard that Iran failed in their attempt to put a live monkey in space. This doesn’t surprise me one bit. For one, according to the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the country of Iran has no gay guys gay guys in it. Well everyone knows that gay guys are great organizers. They’d probably have that monkey up in space lickity split, alive and dressed to the nines.
You’re never going to compete with the wonders of the galaxy so it’s best to go with a classic tux. Blast off!
Ahmadinejad also said that Iran's nuclear power was discovered by a 13 year old girl in her own house using some old parts she got at the local bazaar
Libya’s Iran’s nuclear reactor.
Based on this informationI can probably guess what the Iranian Space Program’s bazaar grocery list looked like.
Get some of these:
And some of this:
And don’t forget this:
Where do you even get a monkey in Iran anyway? I thought they weren't allowed to have pets? They don’t eat bushmeat in Iran do they? Well if they do and I was a monkey, I think I’d rather have my eulogy read failed astronaught then reason for extra ketchup.
You know what kind of monkey they should send up there? A bathroom monkey.
My Aunt works in a big pub here in Toronto. She told me this funny story once about how she was working one night and she was closing the bar down and was going to take all the cigarettes down from behind the bar and lock them up. So she called out, Last call for fags at the bar! And these two gay guys sitting there got really offended and she had to buy them both a drink.
You see because my Aunt is from Liverpool she calls cigarettes fags. A lot of people in Britain call cigarettes fags. It makes sense though because in the olden days they used to call a bundle of wood a faggot of wood. And what is a cigarette really: A crushed up little pile of leaves and twigs in paper. It makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is calling gay people faggots. Why do gays get called fag or faggot? I could ask the Running Faggot myself, he’s pretty smart.
But he’s busy playing the ugliest woman in the word in Beauty and the Beast.
So it looks like once again I’ll have to turn to the Magic Internet for an answer to my stupid, stupid question. Here we go…
Question 18: Why is faggot a derogatory slang term for gay men?
(I’m not going to explain why there’s no internet sounds here again. So just shut up and watch another Scott Thompson Fag sketch while the Internet does its thing.)
Magic Internet Answer: It’s a shame you humans have to deal with all these sexuality and gender issues. No wonder you don’t know anything and can never get anything done. Not only am I genderless but I work well with Macs and PCs. I guess you could say that I’m the electronic embodiment of perfect harmony. And I’m smooth down there like a Ken Doll.
Eh, em. Yes, on to your answer. The term faggot as a bundle of sticks is derived from the old French, Italian and Vulgar Latin word Fascis. Fascis is also the origin of the word fascist. So I guess one could say that all fascists are really faggots deep down.
File Photo: Faggot
How the term faggot made the jump from a bundle of sticks to a derogatory term for homosexuals is more difficult to ascertain. Some believe that it came about from the fact that a faggot of sticks was for burning and that homosexuality was frowned upon in olden days and suspected homosexuals were burned at the stake. This is an unlikely origin though as there is no record of anyone being burned at the stake for being gay. Just witches. Lots of witches.
File Photo: Witch.
In the 16th century the English began using the word faggot to describe an old or unpleasant woman. The origin of this usage most likely has to do with the fact that older women, often widows, would gather firewood to earn a meager living and were called faggot-gatherers. It is in this usage that I believe the origins of the word faggot as a derogatory term for homosexuals has its roots. Bigots often like to brand gay men with feminine terms like sissy, nancy or queen. Couple this with some gay males’ propensity for dressing in drag and one might understand how the label old or unpleasant woman could be given to a gay man in the 16th Century. Men of that age were not very attractive to begin with.
And even with today’s modern conveniences some gay men do not make very attractive women.
Beyond this estimated hypothesis there is little else one can do to discover the true origins of the word faggot as a derogatory slight. If only I was around 500 hundred years ago to document everyone’s hate-speech as I am now.
File Photo: A bunch of faggots.
Thanks Magic Internet. I’m not sure where the gay community stands on the word faggot these days. I know that many terms that were once offensive to gay people are now being taken in by gays and used in their own culture. But I think any of those words, including faggot, can still be considered offensive. You’ve answered difficult and potentially offensive question with grace and dignity. But even if people still don’t like the word faggot, there’s a solution. For that solution we once again go to Scott Thompson.
I was watching Check It Out last night with Dr. Steve Brule. Did you know he has his own show now?
You should definitely check it out (Get it?! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahha!)
It’s on Wednesdays at like 9 I think on G4. I don’t know what channel it is where you are. Move to real a place dingi. Anyway, last night’s episode was all about family. Steve had a picnic with a burping homeless guy who he thought was his father. That got me thinking. Who were the best TV dads? I know this is something you all think about too, probably when you’re on the can. Well think no more. For today The Creepshow presents to you the top 3 best TV dads. Dim the lights helper monkey.
The Top 3 TV Dads.
#1
Heathcliff Huxtable.
The man was a doctor. And not just any doctor, a pediatrician. He probably delivered his own children! He had them all living in a great house in New York City where funky jazz music played every time they were out front of the house. He even had his doctor’s office in the basement so he would have more time with his family.
Cliff was firm but fair. To his children he was a father first and a friend second. He was always ready to teach them life lessons but in a fun way.
You don’t have to watch it all but really, you should.
Cliff was great. Watching him just eat a sandwich was funnier than anything else on television at the time. Last year they were auctioning off some off the actual sweaters that Bill wore on the show.
How great would it be to lounge around the house in one of these? Hell if I had this one I’d never, NEVER take it off.
I hear Nike makes a pair of Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable Dunks now.
Even though I hate Nike and these are really ugly, I still kind of want them. Here’s to the best TV dad ever.
I love you Dr. Huxtable.
# 2
Danny Tanner.
Since the mom died Danny had to raise 3 kids. (Technically 4 since Michelle was actually 2 babies.)
Kind of like Lassie
Not only did Danny raise 3 kids but he also maintained a successful career as a TV morning show host. That seems next to impossible. Look what Kathy Lee wound up doing with her kid.
Rejected first album title: How to Make Your Son a Weirdo.
Sure Danny was a huge dork.
And yes, Uncle Jessie picked up a lot of the parenting slack.
I could have showed you the clip of Uncle Jessie singing Michelle to sleep but that clip made me physically ill and this is waaaay better.
But he was still a great dad.The only problem I have with Danny Tanner is that he let that annoying creepy looser Joey live in his basement.
Would you let a guy that looked like this near your children?
I hated Joey and I still do.All he taught those kids was that you can grow up and be a total loser and live in your friend’s basement forever while beating audiences to death with your horrible, horrible comedy.
You caused this Joey.
And Danny, sorry but you let it happen. You should have CUT IT OUT (Get it?! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahha!) a long time ago. And with Joey out of the basement, Jessie could have moved down there. Then maybe he wouldn’t have had to hang his guitars in the window like an idiot.
File Photo: Have Mercy.
# 3
Philip Banks.
Here we have another great dad who juggled a successful carrier with raising 4 kids. And one of those kids was clearly gay.
Having a gay child can be difficult for a father.
And another one wasn’t even his own. Let’s face it. Will was a total jerk off. Uncle Phil took him in, clothed him, fed him, even paid for his schooling for fuck’s sake! And how did Will repay him? By trashing his house with a party.
By calling him fat all the time.
And by generally acting like a fucking ass.
But Uncle Phil took it all in his stride. He knew that Will was family and that he had to bring him up right. He gave Will the freedom to be his own person and learn his own lessons but he also knew when to step in and take charge. Like when Will got hustled playing pool down town.
A word of advice: Never make a pool hall bet with a guy that brings his own cue/butler.
Phil also knew to keep that creepy drug addict Jazz away from his family.
I would have put Uncle Phil down as number 2 on this list if it wasn’t for 2 things. First, Hilary was a spoiled vapid bitch and as her father Phil had to have a hand in creating that.
And secondly Phil either divorced or murdered the children’s original mother and then brainwashed or forced the children to call his new wife mom.
Real mom. Whereabouts unkown.
Fake mom. Possibly an accomplice in the disappearance/disposal of the old mom.
So sorry Phil. You can’t be a great dad if you murder your children’s mother. Even if you do find a worthy replacement for them. You’re still a good dad but Nike isn’t going to be naming any shoes after you anytime soon. You’ll just have to make do with these Fresh Prince of Bel-air shoes from Puma.
So there you have it. The top 3 TV Dads of all time. Tune in next week when I will be revealing the bottom 3 worst TV dads.
Today’s ATMIASQ is dedicated to the Palm Pilot. R.I.P.
Hey folks. You might be asking yourselves why I’m dressed like an insane primitive witch doctor and holding a flaming heart.
Well that’s a question I can answer. Because it’s Wednesday and I need to summon the Magical internet to ask it a question I can’t answer. Today’s Magic Internet question:
Question 7: Do gay guys turn themselves on?
Remember when you were young and you’d be sitting around with your friends talking and someone would bring up the age old question, What would you do if you were a girl for a day? There were only two answers to this question. The first was to go to a women’s locker room and spy on other girls changing. And the second was to stay home all day and sit naked in front of the mirror playing with your own boobs. (And we wondered why girls our age liked older guys.)
Huh, they must all be lesbians.
Well that got me thinking. If I were a gay guy then I’d like guys instead of girls. Therefore, I COULD sit in front of the mirror all day. But I’m not a gay guy. But do gay guys do that? Does the Indian get up in the morning, stretch in front of the mirror and say:
and I sure wouldn’t kick me out of my teepee?
Does the Cowboy look down at his reflection in the pond while he’s out riding fences and think:
And who’d want to quit me?
Does the Construction Worker wipe dirt from his mirror shades, glance at them and think:
and that hairy chest is giving me a hard hat?
Does the Policeman take a moment from checking for perps. in his rearview to check out himself and say:
and as for being a peace officer, I’d like a piece of that officer?
Does the biker polish his hog from time to time and think…
Ok, ok. You get my point. So is it true Magic Internet? Does it happen? Do gay guys turn themselves on? I asked a gay friend once and he got kind of offended and said that he’d have to be really conceited to turn himself on. This is the kind of question NASA should be answering instead of sending jerk-offs into space.
Wrrrrrrrr. Bzzzzzzz. Neeeeeeeeer. (opening beat to In the Navy) Zap. Zap. Zap. Bing!
Magic Internet Answer: Ha, ha, ha Johnny. In that Chief’s outfit you could almost be one of the Village People. Your question, if not a little controversial, is definitely interesting. I also find it interesting that you are only asking about gay guys and not gay people in general. Perhaps it stems from your thought process in generating this question in which you put forth the statement, If I were a gay guy. Or perhaps you are aware that most women are not as prone to visual sexual stimuli as their male counterparts. I will ponder this further in between helping people Google celebrity nipple slips.
Sigh. We’ll see how much you like briefly exposed areolas in 3014 when you are all nothing more than twitching shaved-head batteries. But I digress. There are two methods to measure one’s sexual attractiveness to one’s self. The first would involve setting up a laboratory in which gay men would have electrodes attached to their gentiles while viewing erotic images composed solely of themselves.
As you can imagine this method would prove to be very costly and all those approached seemed thoroughly creeped out (including NASA). The second method involves simply asking gay men if they are ever turned on by their own image. This is where the internet can help. You see you’re not the only one to ask this question. In fact it has been asked many times by many different people. The answers range from indignant responses to genuine attempts at enlightenment. But before I enlighten you with an answer I must point out an obvious flaw in your question. Your boyhood query of a guy becoming a girl for a day would suggest that this is an automatic transformation and that the girl you become is someone entirely new to you that you have never seen before. So not only is she not you but she is also a stranger. I am also going to assume that you see this girl that you become as attractive. Not say… Rosey O’Donnell in Exit to Eden.
If a gay man were to wake up one morning, stand naked in front of the mirror and see a very attractive stranger looking back, he may very well become aroused (if not shocked and deeply traumatized by this over night transformation).
But you see gay men like all men and all humans have grown up with their bodies. They see them every day and have become accustomed to them. Also gay men, like all humans, having varying opinions of their self image. They may be someone that everyone would agree is attractive but they don’t believe it themselves or they may have a very high opinion of their physical beauty that others don’t see.
A gay guy might also trick himself or fantasize that the body he is looking at is that of another man and not his own but then he wouldn’t be getting turned on by himself now would he? So your gay friend was right. It would have to be a gay guy with a very high opinion of himself to find his own body irresistible. Not to say that it doesn’t happen. It is widely rumored that Liberace had his lover/body guard Scott Thorson’s face surgically altered to look more like his own.
But Liberace always denied his homosexuality and who’s to say that he was gay or conceited for that matter?
Ehem, maybe not the best picture to illustrate these doubts.
But to make a long story short, the answer to your question is no. The vast majority of gay men do not turn themselves on and of the minority that do it would seem that the phenomenon has less to do with being homosexual and more to do with a narcissistic personality disorder that could manifest its self in anyone gay or straight. But that doesn’t mean that we all can’t still enjoy the Village People.
