No, I don’t mean heaven dingi. (That’s plural for dingis.). I mean what do you want done with your remains?
Because there sure are a lot of fancy ways to dispose of your corpse these days.
A company called Celestis will load a portion of your remains into a capsule and fire into space. I wonder what they do with the rest?
According to Celestis' website, you can have your ashes shot into orbit, launched onto the moon or just have them take a round trip to space and back. (At least there’s no chance of you burning up on re-entry, hardy-har-har.)
No thanks. I hate space. There’s nothing up there but NASA’s garbage and now dead people’s garbage.
Another option is to sign over your remains to science. Or better yet, sign it over to Gunther von Hagen. The guy that does those plasticized bodies for that Body Worlds exhibit.
No shoes, no shirt, no skin… no problem!
I went and saw the Body Worlds exhibit a few years ago when it came to the Ontario Science Centre, pretty amazing stuff. Even more mind blowing was some of the entries in the guest book at the end of the exhibit. I still recall a few quotes:
Smoke weed everyday niggaz!
Too many gross dead balls.
Yes, someone decided that the best way to describe their feelings about the exhibit was to crudely draw the Puma logo in the guestbook.
Makes you want to tell Gunther to start mixing the plastic right now.
The problem with choosing Body Worlds as your final resting place is that not only will you be forever gawked at unappreciated by the type of dildos that signed that guest book but you never know what sort of pose your body will be put in. I could be doomed to an eternity of playing Steve Vai’s talking guitar in Yankee Rose.
Or my final legacy could be a hand plant tribute to the Bones Brigade.
Sk8 or Die!
Still, it’s better than being put in a fancy, overpriced box and shoved in the ground up at some cemetery where no one wants to visit you. You’re only chance of any entertainment there?
Some Goth couple getting caught making out on you.
This shithead kicking over your tombstone because he thinks your last name sounds Jewish.
Or someone spilling toxic waste on your grave so you can come back as a zombie.
Oops, that’s not a zombie. That’s a Jombie!
Yeah, screw it. I don’t want to do the grave thing either. I think good old Lux Interior from the Cramps had the best idea. God rest his rockin’ bones.
P.S. I almost ruined my Cramps T-Shirt in the wash last night. What ever doesn't kill it makes it stronger.
Andrew Koenig the actor that portrayed Richard “Boner” Stabone on the hit tv series Growing Pains is missing.
He was last seen in a cream coloured VW Beatle convertible being driven by his good friend Michael Seaver. The two were headed to a local pizza establishment in order to watch one Sheena “Woo Woo” Berkowitz toss pizzas up in the air while listening to Tiffany’s Could’ve Been.
Seriously though, Boner is missing. He was last seen by friends on Valentine’s Day. He was believed to be heading to Vancouver but should have arrived back in California a week ago. Here is a more recent picture.
Despite the long hair that is still most definitely Boner Stabone.
What could have happened to him? Is it just a coincidence that the 2010 Winter Olympics are happening in Vancouver, Boner’s believed destination? I have heard that professional sports teams often use celebrities to entertain or pump up the players before a match. Could a pep talk from the B man himself have inspired the US Olympic men’s hockey team to last night’s 5-3 victory over Canada? I’d say it’s entirely possible.
Friends of Koenig also say that he enjoyed walking in Vancouver’s Stanley Park.
This brings up another possible scenario. A danger that is all too real when dealing with British Columbia’s rugged wilderness.
Bigfoots
No one knows where these mysterious creatures come from. Some say that we are their direct descendants. Others say that UFO’s come down and unload crates of them.
I can’t which is right but I’ll tell you one thing for sure. BC is full of them. Andrew Koenig was known to be an environmental activist. If he was walking in Stanley park his love of nature may have caused him to stray off the established paths and venture deeper into the forest. Bigfoots are known to give off an offensive odor. Boner may have mistaken this for the smell of Ben Seaver’s pungent pal Stinky Sullivan.
(only known picture of Stinky)
With thoughts of relishing one last nuggie on old Stinky’s noggin Boner may very well have been snatched up by a Sasquatch. Whisked away to its cave to regal the reclusive bigfoot community with tails of the dashing Mike Seaver or to see if he can use his television connections to resurrect Harry & the Hendersons.
The final and possibly most plausible explanation for Boner’s disappearance has to do with his father Walter Koenig. Walter is best known for his portrayal of Pavel Chekov in the original Star Trek.
Perhaps Boner ran afoul of some Russian Olympic Athletes that were offended by his father’s atrocious Russian accent. Or worse yet perhaps he ran afoul of some Star Trekkies. I don’t think I have to explain how crazy they can be.
I’d like to end this with a little reminiscing on my favorite Richard “Boner” Stabone episodes from Growing Pains.
1) The one where he goes to the school dance with fish sticks in his pocket.
2) The one where he’s in a school play but can’t remember his lines so he tape records them, puts the tape player in his pocket, presses play and lip syncs his lines.
3) The one where Mike sneaks away (to visit a girlfriend or audition in the city, I can’t remember which) without his parents permission so Boner dresses up as Mike and goes out to shovel the Seaver driveway so they think Mike is still home. Maggie brings him hot chocolate and he drinks it through his white ski mask so as not to give him self away.
4) Any episode where Carol and her friends all scream Ewwww Booonnnerrr!!! when he appears.
All kidding aside lets all pray to God (or Jimmy as Boner referred to him once) for the safe return of Andrew Koenig because a world without Boner is a shitter place to be.
Merry Christmas friends, family and selection of weirdos lurking online. In the spirit of the season I have compiled for your viewing pleasure (actually probably more for my own pleasure) a list of what I believe to be the 10 best presents I ever got for Christmas.
1) The Alpha Probe
There must have been a time when I didn’t hate space because I LOVED this thing. Never mind that the Astronauts look more like disco deep sea divers and space travel might have been difficult with all the windows down, the Alpha Probe ruled. It had that cool curly plastic thing that made the figures look like they were floating in space and there was three chunky rubber buttons on the wing that you could press to make sound effects. The only good sound effect was the take-off noise. The other two I think were alarms of some kind. One was probably to tell them to roll up the god damn windows and the other was to alert Punky Brewster to turn on the tv because the Challenger was about to blow up.
Go to 5:11 in for the goods.
2) Gauntlet for My Commodore 64
This game was at the Appleby Mall and I always wanted to play it but even though it was a four player arcade game:
I could never play it because guys like this hogged it all day.
When I got this game for Christmas it was the only thing I wanted and I remember my parents hid it at the back of the tree Red Rider Bee-bee Gun style. I was so happy that the 2 hours it took to load it seemed to fly by. Then it was nothing but this:
“Your Warrior needs food”
3) G. I. Joe Headquarters
I wanted this for my birthday but never got it. Three solid months of successful whining and begging bore results. The G. I. Joe Base had it all.
- A big gun at the front to shoot any Cobras that got too close (or Iraqis as Americans now call them ).
- A Command Center to keep tabs on the two vehicles and one helicopter that the base holds. (What is this G. I. Joe’s Canadian headquarters?)
- A drunk tank for Shipwreck to sleep off his rum ration.
- A garage with a lift so that Rock N Roll can work on his Chevy Nova.
- An open top concept that provides the Joes with lots of fresh air and a good view of any incoming missile attacks.
I know it looks like a total piece of shit now but I loved it and happily spent hours setting my Joes up in it. Later on, after seeing Police Academy, my sister would sneak into my room with a hand made sign that said “The Blue Oyster Bar”. She’d stick it on the base and rearrange all the Joes so they were dancing together. This infuriated me. Who knew I was so homophobic as a child?
I know everyone has seen these but I can’t resist:
4) Handmade Batman Cape
There were these old ladies at the Appleby Mall that made and sold scarves, toques and mitts. I think it was for charity or something. Anyway they also sold handmade superhero capes and I got a batman one for Christmas. I think it was made out of felt. It was blue with navy blue piping around it and the yellow bat symbol on the back. There’s a picture of me standing in front of the Christmas tree wearing it along with my sister’s navy blue tights. What’s that? Yes, that does sound kind of gay. I guess I wasn’t that homophobic as a child after all.
5) My first DVD Player
Ok it wasn’t as cool as that but it was still an awesome gift and it did have something in common with this Terminator one beyond playing DVDs. The first movie I got with it was Detroit Rock City starring Edward Furlong who also played the little creep in Terminator 2.
A lot of people think Detroit Rock City sucked but I like it and I still love the scene with the Guidos.
Try to watch this movie with the Gene Simmons commentary on. Try to. I dare you.
6) The James Bond Lotus Submarine Car
This was the car that James Bond drove in The Spy Who Loved Me. The toy version had a button on the top that you could press to turn it from a car into a submarine (fins popped out and I think the wheels retracted). It also fired little red missiles that I called “Timothy Dinks” because they looked like our pet cat Timothy’s penis.
7) Revenge of the Nerds: Panty Raid Edition DVD
Revenge of the Nerds is tied for first place with Bachelor Party as my ultimate favorite movie. Not only does the Panty Raid edition contain (horribly unwatchable) deleted scenes like when the Nerds go to a fraternity convention in Las Vegas dressed as Africans but it also contains great commentary by Curtis Armstrong aka Booger.
8) Plush ET Doll
I loved ET as kid. After I saw that movie I became obsessed with him. I started a club called the “ET Touch the Stars Club” and I was the president because I wore a pair of jeans with ET on the back pocket (again, I guess I wasn’t that homophobic as a child). The clubs main goals were building traps and putting them out in the woods to catch our own ET, talking about how much we liked ET and boycotting ham (I thought that ham looked just like ET when he was sick and refused to eat it). I also wore this creepy plastic ET finger that glowed when you squeezed a battery pack and looked more like a sex toy:
The plush ET that I got was the same as the one in the picture above. It didn’t really look like ET. More like a cross between ET and a teddy bear. I don’t think it was a licensed ET product. Still, with my summer time ET Touch the Stars Club long since disbanded (they grew tired of never actually catching an ET and craved ham no doubt), my new plush ET became the sole conduit for my ET affection.
P.S. Although I did enjoy the ET movie I’d kind of like to see an alternate Rambo version where ET just hides in the woods picking off the Government Agents one by one saving the man with the keys for last and healing all his orifices shut with his glow finger.
9) Skid Row “Slave to the Grind” shirt
My aunt and uncle sent me a Skid Row t-shirt for Christmas when I was about 14 years old. I never liked Skid Row and I never really liked heavy metal. (Attention metal geeks, please refrain from posting comments saying Skid Row wasn’t heavy metal they were hair metal or other such nonsense. It’s all the same. I don’t care and you’re a loser if you care). Now that I’m older I do have a collection of metal records that I enjoy with a certain mocking appreciation but none of them are Slave to the Grind. No matter how you look at it Skid Row sucks.
Except 18 And Life. That song is awesome and the video is awesome:
I thought this shirt was a pretty shitty gift at the time. Maybe I should have expected it seeing as they sent me a Bon Jovi tape for my Birthday a few months earlier. Over the years I’ve grown to appreciate my Skid Row t-shirt. A white trash dress up party and one Halloween have seen me dawning it as a center piece. Now Slave to the Grind sits folded in my bottom drawer uncertain of its future. Maybe I’ll send it to my nephew when he turns 14. Thus carrying on the unwanted legacy.
10) Castle Grey Skull
I don’t remember much about playing with Castle Grey Skull but I sure do remember getting it for Christmas. That’s because the box was fucking HUGE! Every kid should get a Christmas present that comes in a box as big as them at least once. It really makes for the wow factor regardless of what’s in it. What’s in Castle Grey Skull? Let’s have a look:
Jeez, nice place you’ve got here Skeletor. I’ve seen crack heads and gangster rappers with more furniture. At least you’ve got your trap door throne there. Too bad He Man and every other figure was too ripped to fit through it.
No bathroom I see. No problem there as I hear steroids make you constipated. But what’s with the elevator? Shouldn’t you have a winding staircase so you can blast your calves on your way up to Beastor’s room?
Yes a closer examination reveals why I don’t remember much about playing with Castle Grey Skull. Because it sucked. No wonder Skellator was such a negative jerk. Castle Grey Skull was like a porn star… an alluring exterior with a possible hint of danger but inside… lifeless, dead and empty (except when stuffed with meaty oiled hulks).
There it is folks. For better or worse my 10 most memorable Christmas presents. Everything a boy could dream of on Christmas morn. I hope you all had a great Christmas and Santa brought you something good. It will never be as good as Revenge of the Nerds: Panty Raid Edition or the Alpha Probe but that’s life.
I don’t like space. There’s nothing up there. I don’t know why NASA keeps wasting all this money to send people up there. In all these years of mission after mission all they’ve found is nothing, nothing and more nothing. I think NASA blows up a shuttle now and then just to keep people interested.
That being said Richard Branson is going ahead with his plan for the Virgin Galactic Spaceliner for Tourists.
Yes, Richard Branson. The guy who constantly tried to balloon around the world and ended up like this:
Now wants to take you into space in this:
Look familiar? I thought so too.
Even the plot is the same.
“A faulty computer causes a passenger space shuttle to head straight for the Sun.”
You just know it’s going to blow up.
On the bright side though it’s hardly a Spaceliner as Branson suggests (I don’t think spaceliner is even a word). It only holds 6 people. I expected it to be like one of those cruise ships where fat Middle-Americans can ride around in a floating mall for weeks, going to TGIFriday’s every night for buffet and being mildly inconvenienced every few days by having to disembark onto some third world island (or in this case the moon) to purchase monkeys made out of coconuts and look at a waterfall.
So, six people are going to be flown into the sun in 18 months. Who will they be? Let’s see…
1) Richard Branson (We’ll spare his family. Don’t get me wrong, it will probably be them too but I want to free up the other 5 seats.)
2) William Shatner (They’re christening this thing the Virgin Spaceship Enterprise and this is just the kind of dumb celebrity guest they'd pick to be on it. Plus he also played Buck Merdock in Airplane II so it only seems fitting).
3) P. Diddy (This has his brand of exploitation of wealth written all over it. Plus I can only imagine how being in space will enhance what he refers to as “the sexy”.)
4) Some Skank that P. Diddy is trying to impress with a trip into space.
5) A former astronaut to give the whole thing a little legitimacy (I hope it’s that crazy one that wore a diaper while she drove across America to kill her lover’s other woman).
So there you have it. My picks for who will soon be flying into the sun or crash-landing on the planet of the apes (Apes upon seeing Brandson: “Who’s the new guy?”).
I also like the part in the article where Branson says, “They can float around and become astronauts”. How do you like that NASA? All it takes to become an astronaut is to float around in space for a bit. You don’t need any of those years of training or to be in peak physical and mental condition (crazy diaper lady kind of proved that point too). You suck NASA!
Well I say good luck to you Richard Brandson. Your mission to exploit the only two worthwhile things space has to offer (the view and floating around) is doomed. Your only chance is if crazy diaper lady pulls a Ted Striker and somehow manages to pilot you away from the sun at the last minute like in Airplane II. Then maybe we’ll get to hear from the Jive talking guy again at the trial where everyone sues you.
