I’m a close personal friend of David Lee Roth.

Someone near and dear to be sent me this link for a celebrity impersonators website called Lookalike. She wanted me to see how funny and shitty some of the impersonators are.
One’s like:

Simon Cowell as a vampire in Dusk Til Dawn

Looks like shit Michael Douglas.

Penis touching Kid Rock with hypnotizing pink nips.

Looks like shit/looks like he’s taking a shit George Burns.

Guess. Come on, just try to guess. Give up? It’s David Lee Roth. Seriously! Ah ha ha ha ha!

One of the things I like about the website is that they seem to have different tiers of impersonators for the same celebrity. Let me show you.

You can get tier 1 Jennifer Aniston.

Or you can get tier 4 Jennifer Garbage Can.

You can get tier 1 Gath Brookes.

Or you can get tier 4 assistant manager at Canadian Tire with a cowboy hat and a guitar Brookes.

Or how how about tier 1 Donald Trump?

Versus tier 2 Donald’s corpse found in a trunk.

There are so many Michael Jackson’s that I don’t even want to look. Tier 8 MJ is probably so bad that he's just the real Fred Durst wearing the Jacket and Glove.

Shamon for the nookie!

Who hires these celebrity impersonators? Does anyone really think that having some assclown that barley looks like someone famous is going to liven up their party?

Ok, maybe having the the 3 for 1 Caddyshack guys might.

But you know what? Maybe you could have some fun hiring celebrity impersonators. For instance you could hire a Tom Cruise lookalike and then take him to Remingtons.

Or better yet, use him to try and get into the Scientology building and find out what’s really going on in there.

I knew it!

Or throw a party and tell everyone that some celebrity is a close personal friend of yours and they’re going to be dropping by. You can even hire fake paparazzi to help sell it to your guests. It might be a good idea to hire two of the same impersonator and keep one hidden. That way if one of your guests smells a rat you can bring out the other one to call the first one a phony and then have them fight. Or fuck it, have them fight any way. Remember when Van Damme fought Van Damme in Double Impact. That was awesome!

This part was awesome too.

Or tell the impersonator beforehand that you want them to come as one of their characters. Then tell your guests you saw your celebrity friend Tom Hanks taking a bunch of pills earlier and now he won’t stop being Forest Gump.

Don’t forget to slip away before the cops and ambulance arrive.

You could try hiring the younger version of a celebrity and still swear they’re the real thing.

What do you mean that can’t be Harrison Ford? Hey Harrison! Show this chowder head the scar on your chin.

Or better yet, try to pass off a dead celebrity.

Well if Janis Joplin is dead then who did you just see walking away with 8 inches of party sub, huh asshole?

Or for the ultimate celebrity impersonator party experience, call up the agency about 2 months in advance and tell them to have one of their Elvis impersonators grow a beard. Then tell all your guests that Elvis is still alive and that he’s hiding out in your basement. Then make a big announcement. Something like:

Everyone thought the king died back in 1977. But as I’ve made privy to a few of you here tonight, I beg to differ. Elvis Priestly is alive and well and has been right here under our noses for the past 34 years, living in my basement. And now, just because it’s Jimmy’s bachelor party, the king, the one and only Elvis Priestly is going to come upstairs and perform for you just one last time!

Then have the impersonator come up stairs and sing Heartbreak Hotel while shaving off his beard with an electric razor. When they see that it really looks like him underneath. It will blow their fucking minds.

This is not a dream people Open your eeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeesssssss!!!!!!

Ladies and gentlemen. Johnny has left the building.



The Last Air Bator.

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I Hate the Olympics.

The Winter Olympics start today. Whoopty –Doo! You know what I think about that?

That about sums it up.

I think I started hating the Olympics back in High School. I didn’t see why these athletes got all this money and support from their government and community to realize there dream. What if your dream was to become an actor or a musician or a porn star? Do you think you’d get time off school to train and government funding?

(Who would put this on their baby?)

I don’t really think that way anymore. I don’t care about the athletes or even the Olympics themselves. It’s more the people that get all into them that I can’t stand.

On the news they’re so excited you’d think Jesus was coming back with Elvis under one arm and Marilyn Munroe under the other. They’ve been talking about how many sleeps it is until the Olympics begins, like it’s Christmas and today they want everyone to wear red. (I never thought I’d get another chance to wear this so soon.)

There’s nothing worse then seeing a couple holding hands in matching Olympic wear. I saw one the other day and it made my head hurt just looking at them. Thank God the games are being played on the other side of the country because if I had to see that every day for 2 weeks…



Another thing that bothers me about the Winter Olympics is the events. Does anyone really like these sports? Does anyone regularly follow speed skating or luging or skeletoning . Do these sports even exist in a professional sense beyond Olympic qualification? Does anyone care if they do? Nope. Nobody does. Until the Olympics come around and then it’s I want my country to be the best at that weird sport I don’t know anything about and never watch. Wooo Hooo! Go Canada! Go!

Seriously?

So how could the Olympics become more appealing to me? Let’s think.

1) Three words: all nude Olympics.



Weren’t they all nude in the original Olympics in Rome? Well they should do it again. The uniforms the athletes wear are getting tighter and skimpier with every games. Get rid of them all together. The cold will make the athletes go faster and work harder and it would give new meaning to the term double helicopter in ski jumping.

2) More entries like this.



And this.



3) Let trained animals compete.

Did anyone see that show Man Vs Beast on Fox many years ago? It had like 50 midgets playing tug-o-war with an elephant and it had a hot dog eating completion between Japanese hot dog champ Kobayashi and a bear!

I can’t begin to tell you how much I love this.

4) Include more of those hopeless but amusing loser competitors like Eddie the Eagle and The Jamaican Bob Sled Team. Who doesn’t like Cool Runnings?



5) Go a step further and have an all untrained Olympics.



Look at all the great programming reality television has brought us by allowing regular schlubs to showcase their singing and dancing skills. Just take a bunch of morons off the street and say Ok, you’re going to Speed Skate, you’re going to luge and here’s some skis and a rifle you’re in the biathalon. It would be like a live action version of America’s Funniest Home Videos. Yes!

So there you go Olympic committee or Greek Gods or who ever oversees the Olympics 5 great ways to keep future Olympics from sucking. If you need more I’ll be in the tub.

P.S. Have you seen the medals they’re giving out this year?

Who designed these things, an 8 year old that lives near the train tracks?

P.P.S. On the subway platform today I heard someone say Happy Olympics to her friend as they said good bye. Happy Olympics??!! This is bullshit!

Happy Necro-Birthday Dead Elvis!

If Elvis Priestly was still alive he would be 75 years old today. Do you think he would have let himself age the natural Johnny Cashesque way?

Or the plastic surgery and skin peal Tom Jonesesque way?

It seems to me that Elvis was too big a fan of gimmicks and the latest fads to let himself grow old grace(land)fully . Remember when he got into Karate?

It kind of makes me wish he had made it to the mid-eighties ninja movie phase. He would have made a great edition to Enter the Ninja (best ninja move ever).







Yeah, sadly, I think if Elvis was still around today we’d be looking at a botoxed, spray-tanned, hair plug pompadoured Elvis still shaking his hip replaced pelvis on a stage in Las Vegas somewhere.

Never mind that. What kind of effect would a still alive Elvis have on the Las Vegas economy? Aren’t there thousands of people making millions of dollars in that city do to the fact that he’s dead? I mean who wants to see an Elvis impersonator if the real deal is still alive and doing 2 shows a night at the Bellagio?

That’s another thing. Why do so many Elvis impersonators choose to impersonate Elvis at his worst?

I like the young cool Elvis of the 50s and 60s. Not the bloated bedazzled pill box in a jump suit.

Cool Elvis.

Then there are all those people that think he isn’t dead. Well if he isn’t you’ve got about 15-20 years tops to find him. Then he’ll be dead for sure. There are many theories as to what he’s been doing the past few decades. My favorite is that he grew a beard and is one of the members of Z Z Top (or as my mother likes to call them Zed Zed Top).

Come on. He’s dead! Get over it. You should be happy for him. I read a recent quote from Noel Gallagher that said:

"The only reason people revere John Lennon is because he's not around to be shit"

I agree and the same goes for Elvis. Elvis will live on forever in his music and in the weirdos that worship him. For more on that here’s Mojo Nixon. Happy Birthday Big E.