No, I don’t mean heaven dingi. (That’s plural for dingis.). I mean what do you want done with your remains?
Because there sure are a lot of fancy ways to dispose of your corpse these days.
A company called Celestis will load a portion of your remains into a capsule and fire into space. I wonder what they do with the rest?
According to Celestis' website, you can have your ashes shot into orbit, launched onto the moon or just have them take a round trip to space and back. (At least there’s no chance of you burning up on re-entry, hardy-har-har.)
No thanks. I hate space. There’s nothing up there but NASA’s garbage and now dead people’s garbage.
Another option is to sign over your remains to science. Or better yet, sign it over to Gunther von Hagen. The guy that does those plasticized bodies for that Body Worlds exhibit.
No shoes, no shirt, no skin… no problem!
I went and saw the Body Worlds exhibit a few years ago when it came to the Ontario Science Centre, pretty amazing stuff. Even more mind blowing was some of the entries in the guest book at the end of the exhibit. I still recall a few quotes:
Smoke weed everyday niggaz!
Too many gross dead balls.
Yes, someone decided that the best way to describe their feelings about the exhibit was to crudely draw the Puma logo in the guestbook.
Makes you want to tell Gunther to start mixing the plastic right now.
The problem with choosing Body Worlds as your final resting place is that not only will you be forever gawked at unappreciated by the type of dildos that signed that guest book but you never know what sort of pose your body will be put in. I could be doomed to an eternity of playing Steve Vai’s talking guitar in Yankee Rose.
Or my final legacy could be a hand plant tribute to the Bones Brigade.
Sk8 or Die!
Still, it’s better than being put in a fancy, overpriced box and shoved in the ground up at some cemetery where no one wants to visit you. You’re only chance of any entertainment there?
Some Goth couple getting caught making out on you.
This shithead kicking over your tombstone because he thinks your last name sounds Jewish.
Or someone spilling toxic waste on your grave so you can come back as a zombie.
Oops, that’s not a zombie. That’s a Jombie!
Yeah, screw it. I don’t want to do the grave thing either. I think good old Lux Interior from the Cramps had the best idea. God rest his rockin’ bones.
P.S. I almost ruined my Cramps T-Shirt in the wash last night. What ever doesn't kill it makes it stronger.
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Two of the people you just looked at aren’t funny.
Let’s face it. Saturday Night Live sucks. It’s been sucking for a long time and it’s only getting worse. Remember this guy?
Yeah, SNL now has like 7 of him. It’s like an unfunny cancer crossed with a train wreck crossed with… I don’t know... this:
There was a time when it was just the last half hour of SNL that was a garbage dump. You’d turn it off when the musical act came on for the second time. Unless it was someone good.
Then it was the last 45 minutes that sucked ( half the show) and you’d turn it off after Weekend Update. (Even though Weekend Update has sucked since they fired Norm Macdonald.)
Now, I dare you to try and get through the opening sketch. The only reason you sit through it is you’re hoping that the previous SNL cast member they have hosting this week might have a funny monologue. (I’m surprised they haven’t dug up Phil Hartman and thrown his corpse on stage).
And the opening sketch is supposed to be the best they’ve got!!! I won’t even show you a clip of an opening sketch because what would be the point? But just so you do get the point here’s a picture of one.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha… fuck. Goodnight.
A lot of people say that Lorne Michaels is to blame. They say that he gets final word on what sketches air and that he’s out of touch with what’s funny these days.
Maybe but he also produced Kids In The Hall and they’re still funny.
Plus look at what some of the SNL alumni went on to create once they were free of Lorne’s restraints.
Corky Romano anyone?
From not one but two of the producers of the Waterboy… it must be good.
Or how about Deuce Bigalow Male Gigolo?
The whole premise of this movie is that Rob Schneider is too ugly for anyone to want to have sex with him. Is this a documentary?
No... the rot goes deeper then Lorne Michaels. Although I suppose you could blame him if he’s responsible for hiring the writers and the cast members. People said the cast wasn’t as funny as it used to be when Adam Sandler, Chris Rock and Chris Farley were on the show! I bet those same people would cut their junk off and kick it under the fridge to have those guys back now (Farley might be tough to persuade).
Look at today’s SNL cast members.
Fred Armison
What an unfunny four eyed sack of shit this guy is. Oh and Fred… the Rock does a better Obama impersonation then you. That’s right the Rock. The wrestler. The Rock, Fred.
Verdict: Not Funny.
Abbey Elliot
I don’t even know who this person is. Apparently she’s Chris Elliot’s daughter so I guess she could be funny. Maybe that’s why she’s never on the show. Chris was an SNL cast member once too and you never saw him either.
Verdict: Go tell your dad to make more episodes of Get A Life.
Will Forte
I don’t know who this guy is either and apparently he’s been on the show for 8 seasons! He looks like a Sears underwear model.
The Fortes... three generations.
Verdict: Not Funny.
Bill Hader
Even though Bill makes me uncomfortable if I look at him for too long he is actually funny. Except when he’s on Saturday Night Live. Superbad was a funny movie. And he was hilarious in the opening of Pineapple Express.
But SNL is a strange scientific formula that makes everything suck. A perfect suck if you will.
Verdict: Quit SNL and go see what Seth Rogan is up to.
Darrell Hammond
The only reason he’s still on the show is so he can play all those old Washington guys in SNL’s political sketches. And those sketches suck. He was funny when he played Sean Connery in those Celebrity Jeopardy sketches but Will Farrell isn’t on the show to play Alex Trebek so that’s not going to happen anymore.
Verdict: No longer funny.
Seth Myers
This is the guy that does the news.
Verdict: Not funny.
Bobby Moynihan
I’m not sure why SNL hired this pants load. Maybe they’re grooming him to be their next funny fat guy. Well he’s not funny enough or fat enough. Try giving him McGriddles dipped in heroin because right now he’s comedy antidote.
Nasim Pedrad
More like Notinanyseens Pedrad. Apparently she’s Iranian and she used to be on Gilmore girls. Wow, she sounds hilarious.
Verdict: Missing in Action.
Andy Samberg
Yes, I know he wrote Dick in a Box but all that did was pump a bellows full of air into the lungs of the bloated dead carcass that is SNL. And think of all the poor girls out there that have now been subjected to their boyfriends actually giving them a dick in a box.
Yes this is for sale.
Plus he gives off a distinctive jackass vibe.
Verdict: Kind of funny… begrudgingly
Jenny Slate
She’s only been on SNL for a year and honestly I can’t tell her apart from the rest of those zeros.
Verdict: Not Funny
Jason Sudeikis
He looks like he might be useful if SNL ever needed someone to play Jim in a sketch about The Office (an actual funny show). He also was an SNL writer before he became a cast member. So make sure to knee him in the balls twice when you see him.
Clip supplied by actual funny movie.
Verdict: Not Funny.
Kenan Thompson
Some people don’t like Kenan but I actually think he’s pretty funny. I loved that commercial he did for Fuquay Satin’s Urban Champagne. (I’d show it to you if fucking Hulu worked in Canada!) Still, as SNL’s token black guy Kenan has some big shoes to fill. Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock and Tracy Morgan were all funnier than him. Hell, even Tim Meadows would give Kenana a run for his money.
Maybe Kenan could get better if he had a little competition. There are thousands of good black comedians that are funnier than the majority of SNL’s current cast. Maybe SNL could have two black comedians on the show. Just a thought.
Verdict: Funny… for now.
Kristin Wiig
I saved the worst for last. This woman is so unfunny she sends me into a rage! The fact that her Gilly character seems to be the most popular on the show is the embodiment of how low Saturday Night Live has sunk. She’s the female Chris Kattan. I haven’t seen so many of the same bad one dimensional characters since Scarlet Johansson played herself in everything she’s ever been in. And why does she always have that stupid look on her face?
Verdict: The Opposite of Funny… and fix your face!
Wow. That was draining. Now I know how James Ellroy felt after he wrote My Dark Places. Look, I could go on and on about how much SNL sucks a cement donkey dong bit let me leave you with this... an open letter to Dave Chapelle, Zach Galifianakis, David Cross, Bob Odenkirk, Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim and every other actually funny comedian out there...
Dear Funny People,
Please create a late night Saturday show. Be Tommy Kirk and blow Old SNLer's brain out. It doesn't even have to be live. You don' t even have to be on it. Just pick some young comedians to do it and sign off on their sketches. Help us funny comedians... you're our only hope.
Not the Queen with the dead gay guy. The Queen of England Queen.
This one.
Not this one.
Now I know what you're thinking... Who gives a shit? I didn't give a shit either until someone pointed out that she's probably coming here to beg for money. You see the Queen currently gets 7.9 million pounds from the UK government but that amount has been the same for the past 20 years. Getting 7.9 million pounds to live off of in 2010 would be just fine if the Queen lived in a cardboard box and ate her own boogers (Fergie) but this is the Queen of England we're talking about. She has castles and servants and gold coaches pulled by corgis. She can't survive on 7.9 million pounds (for you Americans that aren't familiar with the British pound, 7.9 million is less then 16 Survivor wins).
File photo: America's Treasurer
The Queen went and asked Mummy and Daddy Britain for money and they said NO. Now she's coming to ask crazy Uncle Colony Canada and I hope we take a big swig of Molson and burp NO right in her face.
The Queen needs to figure out how to make ends meet. The Brits were always going on about how tough they had it during the war. How they had to rub gravy on their legs for stockings and eat animal guts (they'd still be doing both of those things if tanning beds didn't come along). So lets look at what's costing the Queen all this money and what she can do to rectify it.
Repairing her castles.
File photo: Queen's current residence.
The Queen has lots of castles and many of them need repairs. I'm assuming she kicks holes in them after watching England play in the world cup (because they suck). I think what she should do is repair them with Lego. It's all the rage right now.
It's got to be cheaper than antique stone. In fact she could probably get it for free as a good will gesture from Denmark. And it already comes in castle!
Plus Lego lasts forever. My parents still have Lego that I played with when I was a kid. She just needs to make sure that Prince Philip doesn't chew the antennas like my cousin did.
I say, I seem to have ruined another antenna do to this blasted oral fixation of mine. Oh bother!
Quail Eggs
I'm assuming that this is all the Queen eats. quail eggs are waaayyy more expensive then regular eggs.
How many people have even seen a quail never mind see it lay an egg?
Plus, quail eggs are so small that you have to eat 10 times as many. The solution? Stop eating them. They're disgusting anyway.
Instead eat hotdogs. They're way cheaper and they're more delicious.
Replacing Dead Corgis
The Queen loves Corgis. She has hundreds of them. But the Queen is also a busy woman. She has to sit in a room all day and people come in and meet her (old people complain that no one comes to visit them and they wish their life was like the Queen's. That's why they love her so much.) The only time she's allowed out is to stand on her balcony and wave or sit in the back seat of a Rolls Royce and wave while she's being transported to a different castle.
As a result her Corgis are neglected and die. But if she saw how much all these replacement Corgi's were costing her, surely she'd make the effort to take better care of the Corgis she already has. My suggestion? Feed them. You can feed them with one hand while you wave with the other.
Hotdogs are a delicious one-handed food that I'm sure Corgis would love.
Keeping the fact that you killed Lady Di a secret.
Somewhere in the rugged northern part of England there's an army base that is the Uk's Roswell. But instead of alien corpses and bent out of shape anal probes the UK's Roswell contains all the evidence that proves that the Monarchy killed Princess Diana. (for more on this speak to London's cab drivers and more outspoken homosexuals.) I'm sure that the Queen is spending thousands of pounds to employ a crack team of Royal Marines/MI5 to keep all this under wraps. And I don't even know how much those Men In Black Ipod Nanos that erase al their brains every day cost.
If it was cheap the DVD would come with one just so you might watch it again.
There's a simple solution to this. Burn it down. Keeping al this evidence of Di's assassination is the equivalent of some of some pervy school teacher keeping all the text messages of her laisons with her hairless lotharios. Trust me it happensl.
A pack of matches costs 5 cents at Beckers last time I checked (1986).
Just don't send Matt Pepper in to get them. We sent him in there to buy smokes in grade seven and he came out with ladies wine tipped port cigarillos. Send him in there for matches and he'd probably come out with two gummy big feet or one of those rolled up horoscopes.
Thanks Matt... close but no cigarillo.
I just think it's hilarious that a woman that once represented a monarchy that was so powerful that it could basically cut the head off of anyone that looked at them funny is now reduced to begging. She's basically a cross between this.
And this.
Maybe she should call up the only British icon that's more useless then her... Johnny Rotton. He still seems to find ways to make money.
